Dear Barb...Love, Amanda

Barb,

To hear your voice today was such a treat! After a solid week of party planning, partying, finishing school and getting the boys off to Grandma's, I felt like all I could manage was consecutive reruns of CSI while ironing an occasional shirt. What perfect timing that you should catch me in that moment, when I most needed to reconnect with a part of me that's been in hibernation for some time.

Yes, C has definitely become the young woman we hoped she would but could never quite imagine would emerge from the wreckage of her mother. At 24 she has managed to rise above her situation in a way that, at 44, I can only still dream of doing myself. She sometimes astounds me with her maturity (and simultaneously drains me with her drama - good lord, ALL of her friends are gay men and she wonders why she doesn't have a boyfriend???). She is so much more responsible and independent at her age than I ever was. I am proud and I know her Dad feels much relief at finally getting some clear feedback on all that he tried to do for her over the years. Does that make sense? Like we never knew if we were doing the right thing...then one day you wake up and go, "Yeah, I guess we were".

This gives me a tiny little spark of hope with M, as we talked about today. I look at his wacky self sometimes and think I couldn't possibly have f-ed up more than this - what monster have I created? How much longer before I have to pick him up from juvie? Will he bring an automatic weapon to school, and if so, will I be shocked to find that he has an entire arsenal under his bed that I was somehow completely aware of? And yet, there are moments when I catch his profile as he's driving (my car) in the seat next to me and I see that little five year old, funny and weird and quiet and safe...for a second I remember that he's still just a kid. And if I keep doing what I'm doing, maybe, just maybe, I'll sit there at his college graduation too and sigh a bit of relief myself. Hmm...

It's strange to write again - especially typing - how much things have changed. Thank you for this...I'm off to bed after my "date" at the ball game tonight which was quite nice - I'm such a cheap date! Hot dog and a beer and I'm happy as a clam! Love you, A