Hey, A,
After responding to your last entry earlier tonight, I thought I might write again (about my overnight with S and last night's Tension Convention)...but I think I was being overly ambitious. I ended up pouring a glass of wine and reading a little from the book I'm trying to finish, and now I feel like going to bed early, taking my book and the half-glass that remains up to bed with me. I haven't turned in early in weeks (because I don't have to) and tonight that sounds luxurious.
I will write more tomorrow, but probably not over morning coffee because I am taking my nephew J to the bookstore before accompanying him to a 10:30 doctor's appointment. Depending on the weather (do I even need to qualify that anymore?) I will either write after I get home or after I get in my pool fix.
Hope today went okay. Love, Barb
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Integrity
Dear Amanda,
Okay, so let me just start with Death Sucks. Not the most profound statement I've ever made, but let's start there. It does. It sucks. It sucks when a teacher down the hall, whom you barely know, loses a parent. It sucks when one of your students loses a grandparent. It sucks when one of your children has a friend who loses a grandparent. Responding appropriately, in any of those cases, is challenging. Sometimes guesswork. Sometimes better--or easiest (if you're me)--just avoided. And since the connections to said departed are tenuous enough, not necessarily inappropriate. Moreover, they--deaths of those once, twice, three times removed--are the ones to which we are accustomed.
The death that your husband, and you, and your community, and the brotherhood of fire service (and police, no?) are dealing with is a completely different animal. It's a death people even six times removed feel affected by, and moved to respond to, on some level. Yet here you are, the wife of the chief's successor who has never been here. And since you are the wife of the successor, you are unable to respond in that once, twice, thrice-removed token way, showing respect by standing on the road as the procession passes, or leaving flowers in front of the firehouse. Rather, your are expected to do and be so much more. Without any warning or training or guidance. Meantime, you've rallied, you've fielded some calls, set up a meal schedule, and have been there to support your husband, which includes supporting your son JJ, who was really freaked out by this. So cut yourself, and --not to be disloyal--J some slack. Tell him, I don't know what you want me to do, tell me what I can do for you, or what I'm supposed to do for the chief's wife. I don't know the protocol. And that's where things get even stickier for you. Because you have integrity.
I think you have done what is expected as J's wife in terms of protocol. But as a person who can smell bullsh*t a mile away, you are not able to plop yourself into this woman's yard and pose as her best friend. And because you have faith in grown ups to have the same scent-sitivity as you, you know that the chief's widow would sniff out such a conversation as obligatory rather than sincere.
And maybe you can't say to J, hey, if GOD FORBID you die in the line of duty (knock on wood and anything that resembles it!!!!!) I want to hear from my family and friends, not people who are supposed to blow sunshine up my a*s. But maybe you can say Tell me how I can help you. Because YOU are my priority right now. And I am so so sorry....
Hang in there, A, you'll all be okay.
Love and light, B
Okay, so let me just start with Death Sucks. Not the most profound statement I've ever made, but let's start there. It does. It sucks. It sucks when a teacher down the hall, whom you barely know, loses a parent. It sucks when one of your students loses a grandparent. It sucks when one of your children has a friend who loses a grandparent. Responding appropriately, in any of those cases, is challenging. Sometimes guesswork. Sometimes better--or easiest (if you're me)--just avoided. And since the connections to said departed are tenuous enough, not necessarily inappropriate. Moreover, they--deaths of those once, twice, three times removed--are the ones to which we are accustomed.
The death that your husband, and you, and your community, and the brotherhood of fire service (and police, no?) are dealing with is a completely different animal. It's a death people even six times removed feel affected by, and moved to respond to, on some level. Yet here you are, the wife of the chief's successor who has never been here. And since you are the wife of the successor, you are unable to respond in that once, twice, thrice-removed token way, showing respect by standing on the road as the procession passes, or leaving flowers in front of the firehouse. Rather, your are expected to do and be so much more. Without any warning or training or guidance. Meantime, you've rallied, you've fielded some calls, set up a meal schedule, and have been there to support your husband, which includes supporting your son JJ, who was really freaked out by this. So cut yourself, and --not to be disloyal--J some slack. Tell him, I don't know what you want me to do, tell me what I can do for you, or what I'm supposed to do for the chief's wife. I don't know the protocol. And that's where things get even stickier for you. Because you have integrity.
I think you have done what is expected as J's wife in terms of protocol. But as a person who can smell bullsh*t a mile away, you are not able to plop yourself into this woman's yard and pose as her best friend. And because you have faith in grown ups to have the same scent-sitivity as you, you know that the chief's widow would sniff out such a conversation as obligatory rather than sincere.
And maybe you can't say to J, hey, if GOD FORBID you die in the line of duty (knock on wood and anything that resembles it!!!!!) I want to hear from my family and friends, not people who are supposed to blow sunshine up my a*s. But maybe you can say Tell me how I can help you. Because YOU are my priority right now. And I am so so sorry....
Hang in there, A, you'll all be okay.
Love and light, B
Purging Ugly
Hey there,
How nice to have Sunshine in the house today, in case it rains. I'm so envious of your relationship with S! I hope the two of you are having a memorable day and that last night wasn't as bad as you may have anticipated. I also hope that M is doing well this morning, another weight lifted off her shoulders. Looking eagerly forward to hearing more (no pressure!)
Speaking of your Sunshine, I wonder if my relationship with G would be closer if her mother were my sister, instead of her father being my brother. CC can be very protective, if not outwardly, definitely passively-aggressively. (wow, can you put four adverbs in a row like that?!) Comments like, "Oh, you're going to Cantina for lunch? We don't go there anymore, do we G? Remember what happened on Daddy's birthday?" So then I appear to be (feel like) some sort of idiot for still eating there. Like everything about her, I wish I could explain what I mean, but I can't. Suffice to say, I doubt I will ever have the same kind of Sunshine here, as much as G and I have a good time together. I guess I always wanted to be the cool aunt, (I'm the only aunt) but don't feel I've begun to achieve that yet. Maybe I thought it would bring me closer to my brother (another J!! Let's call him B, it actually relates to an old nickname), who knows.
OK, enough of that. I sat down initially for some therapy and was so delighted to receive even your short post. How thoughtful of you. This blog has become a daily treat for me, to read and have you so close by all the time, and to be able to write whenever I want to. I check in first thing every morning and last thing each night; what an awesome idea this was!! Funny, too, I feel like I talk about you all the time now with K and S. The first time I mentioned you I had to tell K our whole story (as I had to tell you hers) since you haven't met, and suddenly you are a part of every other conversation I have. "Barb said" or "That was Barb's thought on it" or "Guess what Barb told me this morning?" At any rate, the girls call you, "Amanda's new BFF". Which makes me smile and feel so blessed that one of my oldest friends has become new!
So, this morning I grabbed my coffee and my phone (it's still ringing pretty constantly) and came in here to purge some ugliness. I know that what I'm about to write will constitute serious rambling, so I apologize in advance. And I know that you won't judge me for whatever I say here (although anyone else might) and I thank you in advance for that.
I woke up this morning to J kissing me goodbye and saying "You might want to give M (Chief's wife) a call today, or stop by." If I could tell you why that hit me like a slap in the face, I would. But I can't figure out why it set me off and subsequently sent me into a mini-rage against J before he left for work, but here is what I told him: "Did you think I was neglecting her? Because I have thought very carefully about this over the past few days and I decided not to call and visit on purpose. She doesn't like me - " (there is a long story here of a fall-out we had years ago) " - and if it were me, I don't think I would want to be surrounded by people I don't like. I feel like I've let her friends take care of her in the forefront and I have tried to be helpful in the background. Since this isn't really the time for us to have a formal reconciliation, I just thought that I'd keep my distance....blah blah blah." He told me "it's not about you..." at which point I interrupted with "I KNOW it's not about me" and then he said she asked him to say hello to me yesterday. And "Despite your relationship in the past, I think this is an appropriate time to reach out to her, because she's not going to call you, any more than she's going to call anyone else. If nothing more than because you're the Chief's wife, and so is she, and there's some connection there that could be helpful to her right now." Which, by the way, I totally thought about and wanted to do, but kept imagining if this were me, and CC kept coming to see me, (very appropriate, sister-in-laws) how I'd want to shoot her.
Barb, what if I don't want to be the Chief's wife? What if I wish I had made a life for myself and had a career and had to go to work and couldn't do all this right now? What if no one asked me on Monday night, when they elected J the Chief, "Is that ok with you, Mrs. R?" Mrs. Chief's Wife? And why am I feeling like this in the midst of someone else's horrible tragedy? Feeling resentful because there's a role I'm supposed to play now and I don't know fire department protocol and I don't know how not to f this up for J, or how not to engage him in a petty argument when he's already overloaded, how to make all the right calls and visits and be the right person at whatever given moment I'm supposed to be it... and how I don't want to do any of it???
I haven't talked to J since Saturday night, when that first call came in. He has talked to me, at me, at the kids, at his friends. He has dumped his emotions and replayed moments and remembered his friend, all very appropriate and necessary things for him to do. He hasn't done anything wrong; he's taking care of a massive operation here, which I think most people are either awed by or disgusted by, but either way, it's huge. A fire service funeral might as well be the funeral of a president for all the pomp and circumstance, and I'm not exaggerating. That, on top of taking on his new position, taking care of M and her girls, dealing with the press every day, he's simply not here.
Why does that piss me off? Why does that make me even the tiniest bit resentful all of a sudden? Because he comes in at night, sits at the computer and reads all the news stories for the day, has a beer, catches the 10:00 news and goes to bed; maybe he says hello to the boys, maybe he gives me a run-down of the day's events, maybe not. Or maybe, like last night, he sits up with T until after midnight but never once asked the boys how their day was.
Is that unreasonable? Is that selfish of me to think that even in the middle of all of this, he could take five minutes to acknowledge that the rest of the world has continued to move on? I feel totally abandoned here. I feel like I'm supposed to know what to do, but don't; I feel like I'm supposed to support him and understand all of this, but I can't. I feel selfish and insensitive but it's real and I hate myself for feeling it.
I called MC, our therapist, this morning and she'll see me at 5:00 today. I just told her I don't know how to support him and I need help figuring out what my place is in all of this. Why isn't it just like a normal death, like the death of a friend? Why do I have to lose my husband too? Why is this so much more important than Joe Blow off the street? (how's that for insensitivity??) I know the answer, I guess, it's the brotherhood. But I've never gotten the brotherhood and I'm really not getting it right now.
[big sigh] Done. That's all I needed to say. Not! I'm still edgy. I wish I could get in to see MC earlier today, not that she has all the magic answers, but still. I have to return so many more calls today and go see M and the girls; I thought I'd make cookies to bring over, so at least that's some comfort. (like on Grey's Anatomy when Izzy baked 300 muffins after Denny's death, baking is my therapy.) I'm not a minister type; I watch some of these other wives rise to this challenge, cooking and taking care of the family and balancing their own lives with this and I feel so inadequate; why can't I do that? Why can't I be the one at the front of the line, setting the example for everyone else: here's what you do in someone's time of need? I'm sure that would be the answer to "what am I supposed to do?" but I don't know how to do that. I feel paralyzed by it. I'm more than happy to let the others take over and I'm sure they're grateful not to have me hovering around uselessly.
I'm stopping now because I'm starting to be self-deprecating and that's not healthy either. I've got to go take a shower and get this day started, no matter how much I'd rather iron shirts and watch a.m. tv shows in my jams.
Thanks for listening, A
How nice to have Sunshine in the house today, in case it rains. I'm so envious of your relationship with S! I hope the two of you are having a memorable day and that last night wasn't as bad as you may have anticipated. I also hope that M is doing well this morning, another weight lifted off her shoulders. Looking eagerly forward to hearing more (no pressure!)
Speaking of your Sunshine, I wonder if my relationship with G would be closer if her mother were my sister, instead of her father being my brother. CC can be very protective, if not outwardly, definitely passively-aggressively. (wow, can you put four adverbs in a row like that?!) Comments like, "Oh, you're going to Cantina for lunch? We don't go there anymore, do we G? Remember what happened on Daddy's birthday?" So then I appear to be (feel like) some sort of idiot for still eating there. Like everything about her, I wish I could explain what I mean, but I can't. Suffice to say, I doubt I will ever have the same kind of Sunshine here, as much as G and I have a good time together. I guess I always wanted to be the cool aunt, (I'm the only aunt) but don't feel I've begun to achieve that yet. Maybe I thought it would bring me closer to my brother (another J!! Let's call him B, it actually relates to an old nickname), who knows.
OK, enough of that. I sat down initially for some therapy and was so delighted to receive even your short post. How thoughtful of you. This blog has become a daily treat for me, to read and have you so close by all the time, and to be able to write whenever I want to. I check in first thing every morning and last thing each night; what an awesome idea this was!! Funny, too, I feel like I talk about you all the time now with K and S. The first time I mentioned you I had to tell K our whole story (as I had to tell you hers) since you haven't met, and suddenly you are a part of every other conversation I have. "Barb said" or "That was Barb's thought on it" or "Guess what Barb told me this morning?" At any rate, the girls call you, "Amanda's new BFF". Which makes me smile and feel so blessed that one of my oldest friends has become new!
So, this morning I grabbed my coffee and my phone (it's still ringing pretty constantly) and came in here to purge some ugliness. I know that what I'm about to write will constitute serious rambling, so I apologize in advance. And I know that you won't judge me for whatever I say here (although anyone else might) and I thank you in advance for that.
I woke up this morning to J kissing me goodbye and saying "You might want to give M (Chief's wife) a call today, or stop by." If I could tell you why that hit me like a slap in the face, I would. But I can't figure out why it set me off and subsequently sent me into a mini-rage against J before he left for work, but here is what I told him: "Did you think I was neglecting her? Because I have thought very carefully about this over the past few days and I decided not to call and visit on purpose. She doesn't like me - " (there is a long story here of a fall-out we had years ago) " - and if it were me, I don't think I would want to be surrounded by people I don't like. I feel like I've let her friends take care of her in the forefront and I have tried to be helpful in the background. Since this isn't really the time for us to have a formal reconciliation, I just thought that I'd keep my distance....blah blah blah." He told me "it's not about you..." at which point I interrupted with "I KNOW it's not about me" and then he said she asked him to say hello to me yesterday. And "Despite your relationship in the past, I think this is an appropriate time to reach out to her, because she's not going to call you, any more than she's going to call anyone else. If nothing more than because you're the Chief's wife, and so is she, and there's some connection there that could be helpful to her right now." Which, by the way, I totally thought about and wanted to do, but kept imagining if this were me, and CC kept coming to see me, (very appropriate, sister-in-laws) how I'd want to shoot her.
Barb, what if I don't want to be the Chief's wife? What if I wish I had made a life for myself and had a career and had to go to work and couldn't do all this right now? What if no one asked me on Monday night, when they elected J the Chief, "Is that ok with you, Mrs. R?" Mrs. Chief's Wife? And why am I feeling like this in the midst of someone else's horrible tragedy? Feeling resentful because there's a role I'm supposed to play now and I don't know fire department protocol and I don't know how not to f this up for J, or how not to engage him in a petty argument when he's already overloaded, how to make all the right calls and visits and be the right person at whatever given moment I'm supposed to be it... and how I don't want to do any of it???
I haven't talked to J since Saturday night, when that first call came in. He has talked to me, at me, at the kids, at his friends. He has dumped his emotions and replayed moments and remembered his friend, all very appropriate and necessary things for him to do. He hasn't done anything wrong; he's taking care of a massive operation here, which I think most people are either awed by or disgusted by, but either way, it's huge. A fire service funeral might as well be the funeral of a president for all the pomp and circumstance, and I'm not exaggerating. That, on top of taking on his new position, taking care of M and her girls, dealing with the press every day, he's simply not here.
Why does that piss me off? Why does that make me even the tiniest bit resentful all of a sudden? Because he comes in at night, sits at the computer and reads all the news stories for the day, has a beer, catches the 10:00 news and goes to bed; maybe he says hello to the boys, maybe he gives me a run-down of the day's events, maybe not. Or maybe, like last night, he sits up with T until after midnight but never once asked the boys how their day was.
Is that unreasonable? Is that selfish of me to think that even in the middle of all of this, he could take five minutes to acknowledge that the rest of the world has continued to move on? I feel totally abandoned here. I feel like I'm supposed to know what to do, but don't; I feel like I'm supposed to support him and understand all of this, but I can't. I feel selfish and insensitive but it's real and I hate myself for feeling it.
I called MC, our therapist, this morning and she'll see me at 5:00 today. I just told her I don't know how to support him and I need help figuring out what my place is in all of this. Why isn't it just like a normal death, like the death of a friend? Why do I have to lose my husband too? Why is this so much more important than Joe Blow off the street? (how's that for insensitivity??) I know the answer, I guess, it's the brotherhood. But I've never gotten the brotherhood and I'm really not getting it right now.
[big sigh] Done. That's all I needed to say. Not! I'm still edgy. I wish I could get in to see MC earlier today, not that she has all the magic answers, but still. I have to return so many more calls today and go see M and the girls; I thought I'd make cookies to bring over, so at least that's some comfort. (like on Grey's Anatomy when Izzy baked 300 muffins after Denny's death, baking is my therapy.) I'm not a minister type; I watch some of these other wives rise to this challenge, cooking and taking care of the family and balancing their own lives with this and I feel so inadequate; why can't I do that? Why can't I be the one at the front of the line, setting the example for everyone else: here's what you do in someone's time of need? I'm sure that would be the answer to "what am I supposed to do?" but I don't know how to do that. I feel paralyzed by it. I'm more than happy to let the others take over and I'm sure they're grateful not to have me hovering around uselessly.
I'm stopping now because I'm starting to be self-deprecating and that's not healthy either. I've got to go take a shower and get this day started, no matter how much I'd rather iron shirts and watch a.m. tv shows in my jams.
Thanks for listening, A
Sunshine
Good morning, Amanda.
My Sunshine (there's already enough M's in our cast of characters, my sister being one, so maybe I'll call L's daughter S for Sunshine) is here so I won't have a chance write until later, but I wanted you to have a quick note to wake up to. When I write later I'll respond to your last two entries (I think you and I were blogging the same time the other day)--about your girls' day in Seattle and yesterday's very moving entry.
Have a good day.
B
My Sunshine (there's already enough M's in our cast of characters, my sister being one, so maybe I'll call L's daughter S for Sunshine) is here so I won't have a chance write until later, but I wanted you to have a quick note to wake up to. When I write later I'll respond to your last two entries (I think you and I were blogging the same time the other day)--about your girls' day in Seattle and yesterday's very moving entry.
Have a good day.
B
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
The power of a cupcake
Hey there,
Just home from watching the procession arrive at the funeral home, coming from the airport with Chief's body. That was pretty emotional, and I certainly didn't have to be doing it all day, from boarding the plane to California at 7am, to excorting the body home, to comforting his wife...my poor J, he's had so much to do and feel these past few days, I wonder how he's holding up. He just called to say he's going to the fellowship reception now. He must be exhausted, I can't imagine. I watched him escort Chief's wife from the limo into the funeral home and I just started bawling. Her heartbroken face, the way her body looked so fragile, her arm wrapped tightly around J's, his body bent toward her to keep her standing...I had to go right after that. Poor JJ, he just stood there, not knowing what to say, then finally, "Can we go get a cupcake?" Absolutely, a cupcake. What in the world could make you feel better? So we walked down about 6 blocks to my friend's cupcake cafe and had a treat. How does a 10 year old know just the right thing to do next?
Question: you said in your post "then we're all going over to M's" --- Mom and Dad too??? I assume just L and you, but I wasn't sure. Hard enough with L, but indeed a stress fest if she was going to tell everyone. Hope it goes ok. Write later when you can.
Love
A
Just home from watching the procession arrive at the funeral home, coming from the airport with Chief's body. That was pretty emotional, and I certainly didn't have to be doing it all day, from boarding the plane to California at 7am, to excorting the body home, to comforting his wife...my poor J, he's had so much to do and feel these past few days, I wonder how he's holding up. He just called to say he's going to the fellowship reception now. He must be exhausted, I can't imagine. I watched him escort Chief's wife from the limo into the funeral home and I just started bawling. Her heartbroken face, the way her body looked so fragile, her arm wrapped tightly around J's, his body bent toward her to keep her standing...I had to go right after that. Poor JJ, he just stood there, not knowing what to say, then finally, "Can we go get a cupcake?" Absolutely, a cupcake. What in the world could make you feel better? So we walked down about 6 blocks to my friend's cupcake cafe and had a treat. How does a 10 year old know just the right thing to do next?
Question: you said in your post "then we're all going over to M's" --- Mom and Dad too??? I assume just L and you, but I wasn't sure. Hard enough with L, but indeed a stress fest if she was going to tell everyone. Hope it goes ok. Write later when you can.
Love
A
Tension Convention
Hey, A,
I am headed over to my parents' where I will meet up with L and her children. From there we are all going over M's, who lives just a half mile away. M is planning to tell L everything she told me the other night, although I must admit I've already briefed her. Anyway, at some point when we are swimming, V is bound to come home. That will definitely suck. Fortunately, my Sunshine is planning on sleeping over my house tonight, so I can orchestrate a quick exit if necessary.
Hope all is well with you.
Love, B
I am headed over to my parents' where I will meet up with L and her children. From there we are all going over M's, who lives just a half mile away. M is planning to tell L everything she told me the other night, although I must admit I've already briefed her. Anyway, at some point when we are swimming, V is bound to come home. That will definitely suck. Fortunately, my Sunshine is planning on sleeping over my house tonight, so I can orchestrate a quick exit if necessary.
Hope all is well with you.
Love, B
Good morning B,
I'm so happy I was there to take your call Monday night; this tragedy has been taking over my every thought so I loved the break. Not, mind you, that it was pleasant news...I was telling K and S about it on the way to Seattle and it was interesting to hear each of our takes on the situation. We did all agree on one thing: this is probaby the best thing that's happened to your sister in 20 years, as strange as that sounds. It's the beginning of the end of unhappiness for her, as hard as it will be to get through this stage. Even if counseling works for them and they stay together (miracles happen) they'll have a happier marriage and happier kids. And if she decides to move on without him, with the current lover, another, or none, no doubt in the end it will be better than this. I'm keeping her and the kids in my thoughts and sending white light for them...
I only have a few minutes to write this morning as today is my semi-annual date with my neice for manis/pedis and lunch. Usually we go on July 4th so we can get the stars and stripes on our toes, but I was out of town this year, so we'll forgo the patriotism and maybe try some flowers instead. We always have a great time when we go. (Last summer she was all decked out in her Sunday best when I picked her up. At the restaurant, her chair ended up being right in the sun so I asked her if she was too hot, if she wanted to trade. She looked at me very matter-of-factly, touched the strap on her dress and said, "No, Aunt A, it's a sundress." She kills me!) Today, she picked Mexican for lunch, which I had been looking forward to until we took J out for dinner last night and the kids picked...Mexican. So now I'm already 200 points over my weekly 35 and feel like I have totally blown it. I will do my best to eat light and ignore the bowl of tortilla chips in front of me screaming "eat me!" The good thing is, G eats like a bird, so maybe I can just share the kid's meal with her.
The thing about "dieting" that I hate is that I feel like I obsess more about food when I'm paying attention than I do when I'm not. The writing everything down, the figuring out what to eat when I'm not at home, the food I'm faced with that can't be point-calculated...it's way more effort than I'm used to, even though I think about food all the time no matter what. I read an article saying that people who diet usually do so for a given period of time but then end up gaining weight in the end because of this very thing, which makes perfect sense to me. I know there's a mentality I haven't achieved yet that will change that; I'm working on it.
Yesterday was a very nice day with the girls. We went up to my dermatologist appointment in the city (he was 20, if that, jeez I'm old) where I was diagnosed with absolutely nothing, but given lots of lotions to try. That was frustrating to some extent but somewhat of a relief. By the time we got to the Market, we only had 20 minutes before our lunch reservation so we went there first. It's a very fun, eclectic restaurant tucked back in an alley with no sign on the front; it was wonderful inside but we were bummed with the bad weather because they have a great deck overlooking the sound. After a couple glasses of red wine and the fresh crab Caesar salad (I love Seattle) we spent the next couple of hours wandering the market, buying cheesecake and flowers and enormous chocolate chip cookies for the kids. It was a great little getaway for us all - I know S gets a little trapped in her house with her kids all day. I thought of you during the afternoon, remembering how much you loved the Market and looking forward to your next visit when we can recreate that same kind of day.
I hope you got some sun yesterday (it's raining and dreary here) and that you've got something relaxing planned for today. Look forward to hearing from you later,
Love,
A
I'm so happy I was there to take your call Monday night; this tragedy has been taking over my every thought so I loved the break. Not, mind you, that it was pleasant news...I was telling K and S about it on the way to Seattle and it was interesting to hear each of our takes on the situation. We did all agree on one thing: this is probaby the best thing that's happened to your sister in 20 years, as strange as that sounds. It's the beginning of the end of unhappiness for her, as hard as it will be to get through this stage. Even if counseling works for them and they stay together (miracles happen) they'll have a happier marriage and happier kids. And if she decides to move on without him, with the current lover, another, or none, no doubt in the end it will be better than this. I'm keeping her and the kids in my thoughts and sending white light for them...
I only have a few minutes to write this morning as today is my semi-annual date with my neice for manis/pedis and lunch. Usually we go on July 4th so we can get the stars and stripes on our toes, but I was out of town this year, so we'll forgo the patriotism and maybe try some flowers instead. We always have a great time when we go. (Last summer she was all decked out in her Sunday best when I picked her up. At the restaurant, her chair ended up being right in the sun so I asked her if she was too hot, if she wanted to trade. She looked at me very matter-of-factly, touched the strap on her dress and said, "No, Aunt A, it's a sundress." She kills me!) Today, she picked Mexican for lunch, which I had been looking forward to until we took J out for dinner last night and the kids picked...Mexican. So now I'm already 200 points over my weekly 35 and feel like I have totally blown it. I will do my best to eat light and ignore the bowl of tortilla chips in front of me screaming "eat me!" The good thing is, G eats like a bird, so maybe I can just share the kid's meal with her.
The thing about "dieting" that I hate is that I feel like I obsess more about food when I'm paying attention than I do when I'm not. The writing everything down, the figuring out what to eat when I'm not at home, the food I'm faced with that can't be point-calculated...it's way more effort than I'm used to, even though I think about food all the time no matter what. I read an article saying that people who diet usually do so for a given period of time but then end up gaining weight in the end because of this very thing, which makes perfect sense to me. I know there's a mentality I haven't achieved yet that will change that; I'm working on it.
Yesterday was a very nice day with the girls. We went up to my dermatologist appointment in the city (he was 20, if that, jeez I'm old) where I was diagnosed with absolutely nothing, but given lots of lotions to try. That was frustrating to some extent but somewhat of a relief. By the time we got to the Market, we only had 20 minutes before our lunch reservation so we went there first. It's a very fun, eclectic restaurant tucked back in an alley with no sign on the front; it was wonderful inside but we were bummed with the bad weather because they have a great deck overlooking the sound. After a couple glasses of red wine and the fresh crab Caesar salad (I love Seattle) we spent the next couple of hours wandering the market, buying cheesecake and flowers and enormous chocolate chip cookies for the kids. It was a great little getaway for us all - I know S gets a little trapped in her house with her kids all day. I thought of you during the afternoon, remembering how much you loved the Market and looking forward to your next visit when we can recreate that same kind of day.
I hope you got some sun yesterday (it's raining and dreary here) and that you've got something relaxing planned for today. Look forward to hearing from you later,
Love,
A
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Breakfast of Shame
Dear Amanda,
Here I am, coffee to my right, hard boiled egg and meat roll up (deli ham rolled up with a slice of cheese, mustard and a pickle spear) to my left, trying to forget that last night , after we hung up the phone, I had a Skinny Cow fudgsicle (only 10 carbs, but not on the acceptable list). Then, when I was done, I counted out 28 Goldfish, 10 potato chips and ate them too. I had way too much to process without the comfort of carbs...But I am so glad you were home and able to talk so that I could throw all that on you and resist carbs for that hour we talked!
Clearly I had no idea that my sister has been carrying all that around with her, and I'm glad she felt she could dump it on me. Unfortunately, dumping it on me is only the first baby step. She still woke up to V and their issues this morning. I imagine this will go on for a while: the sorting out, the counseling, the figuring out if it's salvageable and ultimately (since we agree that it's not) the dissolution of 24 years together. And the damage control.
I told her that counseling is particularly important for her so that she can sort things out and --if they do split up and she ends up in another relationship--she can perhaps not make the same mistakes if she learns from this marriage and what went wrong, if she can learn about herself and why she's made certain choices. Well, this sent her into a crying jag because she said she wants to be able to talk to her kids about their relationships, wants for her kids to be able to come to her as they grow up and date, and right now she feels completely incapable of counseling them in healthy relationships. I felt so bad. 24 years in this marriage with their dad and she can't talk to them about healthy relationships....
I'll keep you posted, but am not sure there will be much to report for a while besides awkwardness. I'm uncomfortable around V to begin with because I dislike him and his controlling nature, the negative energy that surrounds him. No, that he exudes. (L calls it miasma. In fact, she calls him Miasma.) Imagine now when I see him I will be thinking he knows that I know the extent of their dysfunction, the unwitting witness. Knowing V he'll be doing a little chest puffing, still unable and unwilling to take any responsibility for the detritus that is their marriage.
Thank God the sun is shining today. I really need to check out for a while. Sit by the pool with my book and escape into someone else's world. I think I'm even going to bring a big wine spritzer with me. Today I need to be sedated more than I need to be virtuous.
I hope you have a good day, that your meal planning for the chief's family goes well and that you continue to work through this tragedy okay. Thank you so much for taking the time--in the middle of all of it--to listen to me go on and on about my sister's situation. I really needed a friend last night; I'm glad it was you.
Hope to hear from you later. Lots of love, Barb
Here I am, coffee to my right, hard boiled egg and meat roll up (deli ham rolled up with a slice of cheese, mustard and a pickle spear) to my left, trying to forget that last night , after we hung up the phone, I had a Skinny Cow fudgsicle (only 10 carbs, but not on the acceptable list). Then, when I was done, I counted out 28 Goldfish, 10 potato chips and ate them too. I had way too much to process without the comfort of carbs...But I am so glad you were home and able to talk so that I could throw all that on you and resist carbs for that hour we talked!
Clearly I had no idea that my sister has been carrying all that around with her, and I'm glad she felt she could dump it on me. Unfortunately, dumping it on me is only the first baby step. She still woke up to V and their issues this morning. I imagine this will go on for a while: the sorting out, the counseling, the figuring out if it's salvageable and ultimately (since we agree that it's not) the dissolution of 24 years together. And the damage control.
I told her that counseling is particularly important for her so that she can sort things out and --if they do split up and she ends up in another relationship--she can perhaps not make the same mistakes if she learns from this marriage and what went wrong, if she can learn about herself and why she's made certain choices. Well, this sent her into a crying jag because she said she wants to be able to talk to her kids about their relationships, wants for her kids to be able to come to her as they grow up and date, and right now she feels completely incapable of counseling them in healthy relationships. I felt so bad. 24 years in this marriage with their dad and she can't talk to them about healthy relationships....
I'll keep you posted, but am not sure there will be much to report for a while besides awkwardness. I'm uncomfortable around V to begin with because I dislike him and his controlling nature, the negative energy that surrounds him. No, that he exudes. (L calls it miasma. In fact, she calls him Miasma.) Imagine now when I see him I will be thinking he knows that I know the extent of their dysfunction, the unwitting witness. Knowing V he'll be doing a little chest puffing, still unable and unwilling to take any responsibility for the detritus that is their marriage.
Thank God the sun is shining today. I really need to check out for a while. Sit by the pool with my book and escape into someone else's world. I think I'm even going to bring a big wine spritzer with me. Today I need to be sedated more than I need to be virtuous.
I hope you have a good day, that your meal planning for the chief's family goes well and that you continue to work through this tragedy okay. Thank you so much for taking the time--in the middle of all of it--to listen to me go on and on about my sister's situation. I really needed a friend last night; I'm glad it was you.
Hope to hear from you later. Lots of love, Barb
Monday, July 28, 2008
Send Cheetos, Please
Okay, Amanda,
I finally called my sister M back (she was phone-stalking me) and she rather awkwardly invited herself over, while clearly on the verge of tears, because she needed to talk to me. She said she'd bring wine. I told her that wasn't necessary. I was wrong. OH. MY. GOD. I can't still wrap my mind around all that she told me. Suffice it to say that there are more layers to the dysfunction of her marriage than I could have guessed.
Let me try to sort this out a little before I try to write about it. I'll make it tomorrow's agenda. Paris can wait.
Love you, Barb
I finally called my sister M back (she was phone-stalking me) and she rather awkwardly invited herself over, while clearly on the verge of tears, because she needed to talk to me. She said she'd bring wine. I told her that wasn't necessary. I was wrong. OH. MY. GOD. I can't still wrap my mind around all that she told me. Suffice it to say that there are more layers to the dysfunction of her marriage than I could have guessed.
Let me try to sort this out a little before I try to write about it. I'll make it tomorrow's agenda. Paris can wait.
Love you, Barb
Heroes Indeed
Hi, A,
I'm glad to hear that fire pit time was what J and you needed it to be, and that this morning is better. I'm sure the next few days will be tough nonetheless. Your stories are heart wrenching and heartwarming both; it sounds to me like there's no shortage of heroism out there about now...
Here it's the same ol' same ol'...morning walks and time by the pool, avoiding my sister M so I don't get ambushed into telling her that she and V and her kids are not welcome this year to glom onto L and J's Newport vacation--while I still am, trying to be a supportive girlfriend to W who was laid off after 32 years and hasn't found a new job yet, and trying my best not to go off the carb wagon. So far so good, but--you're right, it is hard.
I didn't realize what a carb junky I'd become until last night, after the season finale of FN star, when I was watching a new show and saw an M&M. I needed to put myself to bed before I raided my cabinets. I knew that once I started, I'd go crazy and wouldn't be able to stop. Those whole grain Goldfish, half a bag of potato chips, 3 bags of croutons, package of pretzel rods, and cheesy Chex mix that have been taunting me would have found their way in my mouth. And then I would have been in search of a handful of peanut M&Ms for the sweet balance to the salt....Honest to God I have never been like that, but last night I knew there would be no moderation. The Induction Phase is two weeks and I'm almost done with one, so the end is near. Well, at least then I can eat my tuna on light rye instead of wrapped in a romaine leaf. And I would like also to eat some watermelon again sometime soon. I know that I can always say F**k it and go back to counting points--especially since 1 cup of watermelon is only 1 point--but for now I'm going to stick with this for as long as I can.
So your thyroid was overactive, right? Then once they got it in check you felt it contributed to your weight gain?...If that's the case you can feel my pain, because mine shut down completely. After years with Hashimoto's it said, okay, all set. My blood results from last week did come in okay though, so after increasing the dose every 6 weeks for the past 4 months, looks like I get to stay on this one for a little while. I hope I'll start to feel better soon.
I'm glad to hear that fire pit time was what J and you needed it to be, and that this morning is better. I'm sure the next few days will be tough nonetheless. Your stories are heart wrenching and heartwarming both; it sounds to me like there's no shortage of heroism out there about now...
Here it's the same ol' same ol'...morning walks and time by the pool, avoiding my sister M so I don't get ambushed into telling her that she and V and her kids are not welcome this year to glom onto L and J's Newport vacation--while I still am, trying to be a supportive girlfriend to W who was laid off after 32 years and hasn't found a new job yet, and trying my best not to go off the carb wagon. So far so good, but--you're right, it is hard.
I didn't realize what a carb junky I'd become until last night, after the season finale of FN star, when I was watching a new show and saw an M&M. I needed to put myself to bed before I raided my cabinets. I knew that once I started, I'd go crazy and wouldn't be able to stop. Those whole grain Goldfish, half a bag of potato chips, 3 bags of croutons, package of pretzel rods, and cheesy Chex mix that have been taunting me would have found their way in my mouth. And then I would have been in search of a handful of peanut M&Ms for the sweet balance to the salt....Honest to God I have never been like that, but last night I knew there would be no moderation. The Induction Phase is two weeks and I'm almost done with one, so the end is near. Well, at least then I can eat my tuna on light rye instead of wrapped in a romaine leaf. And I would like also to eat some watermelon again sometime soon. I know that I can always say F**k it and go back to counting points--especially since 1 cup of watermelon is only 1 point--but for now I'm going to stick with this for as long as I can.
So your thyroid was overactive, right? Then once they got it in check you felt it contributed to your weight gain?...If that's the case you can feel my pain, because mine shut down completely. After years with Hashimoto's it said, okay, all set. My blood results from last week did come in okay though, so after increasing the dose every 6 weeks for the past 4 months, looks like I get to stay on this one for a little while. I hope I'll start to feel better soon.
Before I head off to make the steak that I've been marinating for a day, which I'll be enjoying with some caprese salad, I want to jot a list of topics I want to get around to writing about before summer comes to a screeching halt: my desire to go to Paris, making plans to visit you (or meet you in Austin?...), my cousin D, my Sunshine, my latest career thoughts. For now I close with
Love and Light, Barb
PS White water rafting was 2000 (my 35th birthday); 2003 was Seattle, Portland, Olive Garden. =)
A Better Morning
Good morning B, and thanks for all the posts over the past couple of days. It was nice to go somewhere and hear a comforting voice here and there. And even with the distance, I feel no less supported by you than anyone standing right here. Thank you.
We did go to S&T's last night, and after about an hour and a half, R&K showed up. Amazing, really, since they were having a romantic getaway night in the city, and I guess T texted them at the hotel something like "fire pit time, J's here". R couldn't stand to not be here and help J get through this, so they just picked up and came home. Some days we have no idea how fortunate we truly are.
The night ended well and J did get a solid night's sleep. He's off to meet the press again first thing this morning and will go all day in various meetings through the last one that begins at 7 this evening and ends...?? At least he got some rest. The guys were really helpful last night, letting him talk and then, eventually, changing the subject for him. then we all engaged in our usual laughing and drinking until he was finally relaxed. He is much better today, emotionally, but was obviously already stressed before he even left the house today.
Before I move on, there were a couple of moments yesterday that I took note of, just because they were touching. At one point while we were visiting with the family, J told them all about the Hot Shot crew that walked the body out of the forest and how they would have treated him with dignity and love, like he was one of their own. All of the girls were crying and then K, the 23 year old, asked "Can we meet them? I just want to say thank you." Wow. Later in the conversation, his youngest daughter (16) asked J, "Why did that other guy live and my dad didn't?" (he was with another firefighter when they got trapped). After a series of technical explanations of the movement of fire and air that left her staring at him blankly, he said "Maybe your dad spent time helping that other guy into his fire shelter before he got into his own." I loved him so much at that moment. Maybe your dad was just a hero.
Today I'll make some more calls and get a dinner chain set up for the family for this week, then I can go back to taking care of my own corner of the world. This is kind of funny though (I'm sure JJ didn't think so). Right when we got home from taking dinner over, JJ and M were out racing their bikes in the street and JJ crashed big time. If you remember, his face was already swollen up from the insect sting earlier in the day, so landing on his face during the wreck didn't help much. He smashed up his lips and chin, hands and one knee; he looked hilarious by the time we got him all bandaged up with the now-even-more-swollen face (of course I went overboard on the number and size of Band-aids, for effect.) T took pictures of him later just to document the badge of honor. That was probably his first big crash, worth remembering. Interestingly, J was so soft and compassionate with him when it happened; normally he adds the admonishment: "If you weren't riding so fast / if you weren't dinkin' around / if you were more careful", but nothing last night. Just love and comfort and then, later, genuinely impressed at the story and the scarring. I love him. When he is in his element, he's a remarkable man; I should think about that a little. I watched him with that family last night and I have never met anyone so eloquent and compassionate in a crisis. In all my life, I could never have handled that half as well as he did. Maybe he can't be lovable and awesome every minute of every day, but at the end of every day, he's still who is he is. Maybe he's just a hero, too.
SO....weight loss. I'm surprised to hear you're trying Atkins. Not because it's a "fad diet" but because it's HARD!!! I have tried it (and South Beach, and the WW Core) and giving up carbs for me is pure torture. I can only go about two days before I suck down a bag of Cheetos. But if it's not that challenging for you, you're right, it's one of the most successful programs out there. I mean, obviously limiting carbs is going to be successful in the long run no matter how you go about doing it, but I think Atkins lays it out really well in an easy-to-follow format so people are more successful longer-term. T's parents did it a few years ago and lost a ton of weight. Unfortunately, they've put it all back on, but I think that's due to their highly dysfunctional marriage, not the diet. They did keep it off for a couple of years, though, and his mom said it definitely got easier the longer she followed it. (I, personally, couldn't hold out long enough for it to get easier. Two days. Cheetos.) So good luck with this. I hope it works for you.
The thyroid thing, you know, I've been dealing with since I was pregnant with JJ - so 11 years? So I feel your pain. Sucks, really. I had those few good years of eating as I pleased and not worrying about my weight only to discover it was because I was sick. So the benefit of being healthy then, was gaining weight? Super. Your doctor is right, you have to be patient; I still struggle with regulating mine from time to time, and it seems it's never really perfect.
I did manage to lose all the baby weight after JJ was born and in the summer of 2003 (your white water rafting summer) it started to creep back up again. In the last five years, I have gained 40lbs, so my ultimate goal on WW this time is 52lbs. This is so hard for me to grasp, having been the standard "10-20lbs over" my whole life. 52 seems an impossible number to me. I used to sit in WW and celebrate the loss of other members - 60, 80, 120 lbs - and think "Good lord, how did they do that? I can't even lose 10!" Well, here I am. 52lbs would put me back at pre-JJ weight, which is my most comfortable place, and I think, a reasonable expectation for my age. Sure, I'd like to get down to that wedding weight, but I'm not going to starve myself to get there. Really, I might even reach the 40lb mark and be happy, I don't know for sure.
So far, WW is really working for me. This is only day 4 but I have managed to stick to it. Even over this crazy weekend, sure, I ate about a box and a half of Hot Tamales around the fire last night, but that was T's fault. Never should have brought them out. And we also did dinner on Friday all together and the entire meal was about 8 points. We grilled shrimp and veggies and made brown rice; my highest point count was the wine (shocker!) When I look at this week's journal, I am still within my 35 flex points, amazingly. I am going to skip weigh in this week because I didn't like the meeting we went to last week. That means I will go about 11 days between 1st and 2nd weigh in; I'm hoping that will be a big loss and keep my encouragement level up. The key, we've decided, is the cardio. Hate it, with a passion, but I know it's the magic ingredient. K and I try to get into the gym at least three times a week, and I have gone without her this week too. I just know the weight drops off twice as fast, so I have to stay with it.
I'm jealous of your tan and your ability to sit in the sun every day (almost anyway). The weather here's been crappy lately but looks a little better today. Unfortunately, I have doctors' appointments today that will take me out of the house all afternoon, so sun time is out. Oh, yeah, and tomorrow I have a dermatologist appointment to discuss the weird sun-allergy-rash-thing on my back that will probably take me out of the sun for the rest of my life. Why do the two things I love most, sun and red wine, have to be the death of me? Wait! Is that a bad thing? She died of sunshine and Shiraz. Not the worst epitaph I could have...
Thanks for all the reading and responding and support these past few days. I look forward to hearing from you later,
Love, A
We did go to S&T's last night, and after about an hour and a half, R&K showed up. Amazing, really, since they were having a romantic getaway night in the city, and I guess T texted them at the hotel something like "fire pit time, J's here". R couldn't stand to not be here and help J get through this, so they just picked up and came home. Some days we have no idea how fortunate we truly are.
The night ended well and J did get a solid night's sleep. He's off to meet the press again first thing this morning and will go all day in various meetings through the last one that begins at 7 this evening and ends...?? At least he got some rest. The guys were really helpful last night, letting him talk and then, eventually, changing the subject for him. then we all engaged in our usual laughing and drinking until he was finally relaxed. He is much better today, emotionally, but was obviously already stressed before he even left the house today.
Before I move on, there were a couple of moments yesterday that I took note of, just because they were touching. At one point while we were visiting with the family, J told them all about the Hot Shot crew that walked the body out of the forest and how they would have treated him with dignity and love, like he was one of their own. All of the girls were crying and then K, the 23 year old, asked "Can we meet them? I just want to say thank you." Wow. Later in the conversation, his youngest daughter (16) asked J, "Why did that other guy live and my dad didn't?" (he was with another firefighter when they got trapped). After a series of technical explanations of the movement of fire and air that left her staring at him blankly, he said "Maybe your dad spent time helping that other guy into his fire shelter before he got into his own." I loved him so much at that moment. Maybe your dad was just a hero.
Today I'll make some more calls and get a dinner chain set up for the family for this week, then I can go back to taking care of my own corner of the world. This is kind of funny though (I'm sure JJ didn't think so). Right when we got home from taking dinner over, JJ and M were out racing their bikes in the street and JJ crashed big time. If you remember, his face was already swollen up from the insect sting earlier in the day, so landing on his face during the wreck didn't help much. He smashed up his lips and chin, hands and one knee; he looked hilarious by the time we got him all bandaged up with the now-even-more-swollen face (of course I went overboard on the number and size of Band-aids, for effect.) T took pictures of him later just to document the badge of honor. That was probably his first big crash, worth remembering. Interestingly, J was so soft and compassionate with him when it happened; normally he adds the admonishment: "If you weren't riding so fast / if you weren't dinkin' around / if you were more careful", but nothing last night. Just love and comfort and then, later, genuinely impressed at the story and the scarring. I love him. When he is in his element, he's a remarkable man; I should think about that a little. I watched him with that family last night and I have never met anyone so eloquent and compassionate in a crisis. In all my life, I could never have handled that half as well as he did. Maybe he can't be lovable and awesome every minute of every day, but at the end of every day, he's still who is he is. Maybe he's just a hero, too.
SO....weight loss. I'm surprised to hear you're trying Atkins. Not because it's a "fad diet" but because it's HARD!!! I have tried it (and South Beach, and the WW Core) and giving up carbs for me is pure torture. I can only go about two days before I suck down a bag of Cheetos. But if it's not that challenging for you, you're right, it's one of the most successful programs out there. I mean, obviously limiting carbs is going to be successful in the long run no matter how you go about doing it, but I think Atkins lays it out really well in an easy-to-follow format so people are more successful longer-term. T's parents did it a few years ago and lost a ton of weight. Unfortunately, they've put it all back on, but I think that's due to their highly dysfunctional marriage, not the diet. They did keep it off for a couple of years, though, and his mom said it definitely got easier the longer she followed it. (I, personally, couldn't hold out long enough for it to get easier. Two days. Cheetos.) So good luck with this. I hope it works for you.
The thyroid thing, you know, I've been dealing with since I was pregnant with JJ - so 11 years? So I feel your pain. Sucks, really. I had those few good years of eating as I pleased and not worrying about my weight only to discover it was because I was sick. So the benefit of being healthy then, was gaining weight? Super. Your doctor is right, you have to be patient; I still struggle with regulating mine from time to time, and it seems it's never really perfect.
I did manage to lose all the baby weight after JJ was born and in the summer of 2003 (your white water rafting summer) it started to creep back up again. In the last five years, I have gained 40lbs, so my ultimate goal on WW this time is 52lbs. This is so hard for me to grasp, having been the standard "10-20lbs over" my whole life. 52 seems an impossible number to me. I used to sit in WW and celebrate the loss of other members - 60, 80, 120 lbs - and think "Good lord, how did they do that? I can't even lose 10!" Well, here I am. 52lbs would put me back at pre-JJ weight, which is my most comfortable place, and I think, a reasonable expectation for my age. Sure, I'd like to get down to that wedding weight, but I'm not going to starve myself to get there. Really, I might even reach the 40lb mark and be happy, I don't know for sure.
So far, WW is really working for me. This is only day 4 but I have managed to stick to it. Even over this crazy weekend, sure, I ate about a box and a half of Hot Tamales around the fire last night, but that was T's fault. Never should have brought them out. And we also did dinner on Friday all together and the entire meal was about 8 points. We grilled shrimp and veggies and made brown rice; my highest point count was the wine (shocker!) When I look at this week's journal, I am still within my 35 flex points, amazingly. I am going to skip weigh in this week because I didn't like the meeting we went to last week. That means I will go about 11 days between 1st and 2nd weigh in; I'm hoping that will be a big loss and keep my encouragement level up. The key, we've decided, is the cardio. Hate it, with a passion, but I know it's the magic ingredient. K and I try to get into the gym at least three times a week, and I have gone without her this week too. I just know the weight drops off twice as fast, so I have to stay with it.
I'm jealous of your tan and your ability to sit in the sun every day (almost anyway). The weather here's been crappy lately but looks a little better today. Unfortunately, I have doctors' appointments today that will take me out of the house all afternoon, so sun time is out. Oh, yeah, and tomorrow I have a dermatologist appointment to discuss the weird sun-allergy-rash-thing on my back that will probably take me out of the sun for the rest of my life. Why do the two things I love most, sun and red wine, have to be the death of me? Wait! Is that a bad thing? She died of sunshine and Shiraz. Not the worst epitaph I could have...
Thanks for all the reading and responding and support these past few days. I look forward to hearing from you later,
Love, A
White Light
Wow. Surreal is right. Thank goodness for the support you have. (Of course at times like these, I wish I were closer so that I could be in that circle of support.) I hope you were able to take a little down time (I'm not sure you can really enjoy yourselves about now) at the fire pit, then get a good night's sleep.
I'll keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers, keeping sending white light your way.
Love, B
I'll keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers, keeping sending white light your way.
Love, B
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Wow...surreal
Hey,
What a long day this has been. I finally found my "job", a little bit, I think, so I've been busy at least. I got a call from one of the Lieutenant's wives and she kind of started the phone-call chain from wife to wife. I ended up on the phone for the next three or four hours, interrupted here and there by R & K stopping by (he read it on the internet) and S&T calling to take care of us, my folks, etc. JJ had a friend over so that helped (apart from the bizarre insect sting he got on his eye that swelled up his entire face) and M took care of the two of them while I cooked dinner for Chief's wife and family. One of the firefighters and his family cooked dinner for us, which just goes to show how what life is like in the fire service.
At any rate, we're going over to S&T's for some firepit time and to let J debrief, drink a beer and get ready for tomorrow. They have been so eager to help today and I haven't been able to let them for fear I fall apart. J and I just came from Chief's house where J was able to (thank God) tell them that the body had been positively identified and brought out of the forest...and (thank God again) that he was identified with a photograph - meaning that the cause of death was probably smoke inhalation instead of burning. If there were any good news today, that was it.
I'm exhausted and I know I have hardly done a thing today, so I can only imagine what they are all going through. I'll write more tomorrow,
Love, A
What a long day this has been. I finally found my "job", a little bit, I think, so I've been busy at least. I got a call from one of the Lieutenant's wives and she kind of started the phone-call chain from wife to wife. I ended up on the phone for the next three or four hours, interrupted here and there by R & K stopping by (he read it on the internet) and S&T calling to take care of us, my folks, etc. JJ had a friend over so that helped (apart from the bizarre insect sting he got on his eye that swelled up his entire face) and M took care of the two of them while I cooked dinner for Chief's wife and family. One of the firefighters and his family cooked dinner for us, which just goes to show how what life is like in the fire service.
At any rate, we're going over to S&T's for some firepit time and to let J debrief, drink a beer and get ready for tomorrow. They have been so eager to help today and I haven't been able to let them for fear I fall apart. J and I just came from Chief's house where J was able to (thank God) tell them that the body had been positively identified and brought out of the forest...and (thank God again) that he was identified with a photograph - meaning that the cause of death was probably smoke inhalation instead of burning. If there were any good news today, that was it.
I'm exhausted and I know I have hardly done a thing today, so I can only imagine what they are all going through. I'll write more tomorrow,
Love, A
Part 3
Hey, A,
It is now raining and has been for hours; I am in the middle of this season's Next Food Network Star marathon before tonight's finale at 10. Perfect. I am experiencing none of the guilt for being in front of the TV as I would if the sun were shining.
So I sign off wishing you well, hoping to hear from you later.
B
It is now raining and has been for hours; I am in the middle of this season's Next Food Network Star marathon before tonight's finale at 10. Perfect. I am experiencing none of the guilt for being in front of the TV as I would if the sun were shining.
So I sign off wishing you well, hoping to hear from you later.
B
Part 2
Get this: it is not raining and I am not by the pool. Wonders never cease.
I got caught up cleaning up in the kitchen and prepping for another couple of days on the Atkins Diet. I know, it's completely uncharacteristic of me to do any kind of "fad" diet, especially as a historically successful Weight-Watcher, but I am beyond frustrated. I can count points (and not forget to add the wine) and my weight won't budge. My endocrinologist told me to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing until they get my thyroid level under control, but I can't sit and watch my weight creep up anymore. Already, over the past few years I've put back on most of what I lost in that late-30s burst of energy, in my I-can-jog-and-white-water-raft phase.
So I'm banging my head against the wall and thinking about what I may be doing to further exacerbate my thyroid's refusal to work and my weight gain when I see a news story on Atkins. (What would I do without NBC? By the way, did you ever read that article on kids and happiness?) A recent study showed that people were most successful--lost the most weight and kept it off longest--on Atkins, vs. low fat or low calorie. I realize that I am a carb queen. I buy light wheat everything, but I can also eat the whole bag of whole grain Goldfish when I'm watching TV--one handful at a time. So I think maybe I am overdoing carbs and/or carb sensitive. Maybe I need to back off the carbs for a while.
I feel better already. I've only been doing it since Wednesday, but already I feel like I've lost some belly bloat. And I feel like I can do this for a while...lose some weight, then ultimately revise what has become a high carb diet. The Atkins website has been great in terms of menu suggestions for snacks and an overview of the whole program. In fact, I think it's a little different than it was years ago when it was the latest greatest diet and I knew people who went on it. Like, didn't tomatoes used to be forbidden? Not anymore. For a couple of weeks I'm going to skip bread and fruit (the Induction Phase), then by Newport I can loosen up a little, enough to have ice cream one night with M and C and not feel like I should be rolled down the cobblestones home.
Interesting that you should be attempting weight loss at the same time...I wonder how you're doing and what your goals are. Is there a certain amount of weight you want to lose? Do you just want your jeans to be more comfortable? Me? For now I would like to get back to the weight I was when I met W...3 years and 30 pounds ago, I felt good the day I met him (of course I did). I was by no means thin then, but I felt good. I want to feel that good again, not simply grateful that I have someone who loves me just the way I am.
Speaking of unconditional love, how is J holding up? Is JJ less anxious? How are you?...Another dose of white light headed your way.
B
I got caught up cleaning up in the kitchen and prepping for another couple of days on the Atkins Diet. I know, it's completely uncharacteristic of me to do any kind of "fad" diet, especially as a historically successful Weight-Watcher, but I am beyond frustrated. I can count points (and not forget to add the wine) and my weight won't budge. My endocrinologist told me to be patient and keep doing what I'm doing until they get my thyroid level under control, but I can't sit and watch my weight creep up anymore. Already, over the past few years I've put back on most of what I lost in that late-30s burst of energy, in my I-can-jog-and-white-water-raft phase.
So I'm banging my head against the wall and thinking about what I may be doing to further exacerbate my thyroid's refusal to work and my weight gain when I see a news story on Atkins. (What would I do without NBC? By the way, did you ever read that article on kids and happiness?) A recent study showed that people were most successful--lost the most weight and kept it off longest--on Atkins, vs. low fat or low calorie. I realize that I am a carb queen. I buy light wheat everything, but I can also eat the whole bag of whole grain Goldfish when I'm watching TV--one handful at a time. So I think maybe I am overdoing carbs and/or carb sensitive. Maybe I need to back off the carbs for a while.
I feel better already. I've only been doing it since Wednesday, but already I feel like I've lost some belly bloat. And I feel like I can do this for a while...lose some weight, then ultimately revise what has become a high carb diet. The Atkins website has been great in terms of menu suggestions for snacks and an overview of the whole program. In fact, I think it's a little different than it was years ago when it was the latest greatest diet and I knew people who went on it. Like, didn't tomatoes used to be forbidden? Not anymore. For a couple of weeks I'm going to skip bread and fruit (the Induction Phase), then by Newport I can loosen up a little, enough to have ice cream one night with M and C and not feel like I should be rolled down the cobblestones home.
Interesting that you should be attempting weight loss at the same time...I wonder how you're doing and what your goals are. Is there a certain amount of weight you want to lose? Do you just want your jeans to be more comfortable? Me? For now I would like to get back to the weight I was when I met W...3 years and 30 pounds ago, I felt good the day I met him (of course I did). I was by no means thin then, but I felt good. I want to feel that good again, not simply grateful that I have someone who loves me just the way I am.
Speaking of unconditional love, how is J holding up? Is JJ less anxious? How are you?...Another dose of white light headed your way.
B
Catching Up Part 1
Good morning again, Amanda.
Sorry I didn't write yesterday, but as I was having my coffee, my cousin D (the one who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in April and who saw miraculous results with her chemo) called. She was calling to chat and invite me over. Apparently, M and V had called Friday night to invite themselves over (yes, they did) when L didn't come through with a happy hour invite for the beach club. Friday night wasn't good for D so she suggested Saturday instead and wanted to include me. D suggested dinner, but I told her there was no need to go to that trouble. Why not apps at 7? She agreed and yay, suddenly I had plans for a Saturday night. After I hung up with D the sun called me to the pool, and there went my day. When I came in from the pool I had to go shopping for mozzarella and tomatoes (I said I'd bring caprese salad) and get ready and didn't have a minute to write. I'll try to make up for it today.
A, that is just horrible about J's chief. (I did not, by the way, for a minute think no big deal!) Ugh. I can't imagine what it's like to have your spouse in the fire service, knowing that what they do for a living is risk their lives. Based on what you wrote, though, I guess you get used to it and at some point no longer live in fear of losing your spouse every time he leaves the house--which I suppose is a good thing...and then something like this happens. Poor JJ! I think your response, which is to be concerned about J and how he'll hold up and get through this, is a perfect response. And I think that is exactly what J is going to need from you, not to get hysterical and tell him he needs to change jobs because you can't handle the stress anymore blah blah, but to support him in the role he needs to play in getting the chief's wife and the brotherhood through the ceremonies and funeral, and then perhaps in stepping into the chief's shoes. White light on its way for J indeed. Oh, and PS: I, like you, would have stayed up too...but if you fell asleep trying, I hope you can forgive yourself...
It wouldn't feel right if I started complaining about my weight right now, so I think I'll get my sunshine fix and will write again later.
Hope to hear from you later. Lots of love and white light to you all, Barb
Sorry I didn't write yesterday, but as I was having my coffee, my cousin D (the one who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer back in April and who saw miraculous results with her chemo) called. She was calling to chat and invite me over. Apparently, M and V had called Friday night to invite themselves over (yes, they did) when L didn't come through with a happy hour invite for the beach club. Friday night wasn't good for D so she suggested Saturday instead and wanted to include me. D suggested dinner, but I told her there was no need to go to that trouble. Why not apps at 7? She agreed and yay, suddenly I had plans for a Saturday night. After I hung up with D the sun called me to the pool, and there went my day. When I came in from the pool I had to go shopping for mozzarella and tomatoes (I said I'd bring caprese salad) and get ready and didn't have a minute to write. I'll try to make up for it today.
A, that is just horrible about J's chief. (I did not, by the way, for a minute think no big deal!) Ugh. I can't imagine what it's like to have your spouse in the fire service, knowing that what they do for a living is risk their lives. Based on what you wrote, though, I guess you get used to it and at some point no longer live in fear of losing your spouse every time he leaves the house--which I suppose is a good thing...and then something like this happens. Poor JJ! I think your response, which is to be concerned about J and how he'll hold up and get through this, is a perfect response. And I think that is exactly what J is going to need from you, not to get hysterical and tell him he needs to change jobs because you can't handle the stress anymore blah blah, but to support him in the role he needs to play in getting the chief's wife and the brotherhood through the ceremonies and funeral, and then perhaps in stepping into the chief's shoes. White light on its way for J indeed. Oh, and PS: I, like you, would have stayed up too...but if you fell asleep trying, I hope you can forgive yourself...
It wouldn't feel right if I started complaining about my weight right now, so I think I'll get my sunshine fix and will write again later.
Hope to hear from you later. Lots of love and white light to you all, Barb
whoa
Wow. That is heavy. I hope that J got in okay last night, that you and JJ and J were all able to sleep. Let me have my coffee and I'll be back. Sorry I didn't write yesterday. (I'll explain.)
Be back soon. Love, Barb
Be back soon. Love, Barb
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Upside down in a heartbeat...
Hey there,
It's 10:45 on Saturday night and I chose to write because I don't know what else I'm supposed to do right now. About an hour ago, in the middle of watching X-Men with the kids, J got a call from his Assistant Chief: their boss, the Chief of the FD, is dead. He was killed in a fire tonight, out on a wildland team. I don't know where, there weren't really any details at the time. Within 10 minutes, J was gone, after a half dozen phone calls, with me following him all over the house saying, stupidly, "Is there something I can do? What do you need me to do?" Finally he just said "I just need to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I need to make sure I get to M (the Chief's wife) before anyone else does." Which meant that he and his AC had to go do that themselves. At night, like in the movies, when the guys from the department show up at the door and there's only one reason in the world they'd be there.
The weird thing is, I don't even know him, really. I don't know his wife or his family well at all, although over the years I've met his four daughters and I know he has a brand-new grandchild. But despite the fact that we aren't all personal friends, I know that he is one of J's mentors, someone to whom he gives undying loyalty. I know that J is in total shock over the sudden death of a friend, but he's also, instantly in "work mode" (and thank God for that) - you know this is pretty much what he does for a living, crisis management. Death and destruction. This is what he does best and he'll do it for the next couple of days until everything settles down and becomes real and then I know he'll be ready to break. But I'm a little scared because he can't really afford to break - he's the man in charge now. He's the one to whom everyone else is looking to find out what to do next. I mean, in a hundred years you don't sit around planning what to do if this happens, it's not like he has any better idea than anyone else over there.
It doesn't help that he and I relapsed a bit today and weren't really communicating with each other all afternoon, up until the call. And it really didn't help, I know, when JJ lost it all over the place because he was so stricken by the terrifying thought that could have been my dad. He put all the pieces together in no time, that his dad could have been on that team, on that fire, this could be happening to him, just as easily. And Mr. Sensitive that he is, he was just really, really scared and didn't want J to go out. I made J sit down and talk to him before he left and as he did, I could hear his voice crack; I knew it was the last thing he needed in terms of maintaining his composure to get the job done, but as a mother, I knew JJ needed it more than anything else at that moment. Now he's up there in bed, unable to go to sleep; he keeps calling downstairs, "Is Dad home yet?" The poor kid, I don't know how to settle him down.
What a weird thing. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, toward his family or anything, I just can't process the information at all. It occurred to me to sit and think the same thoughts as JJ, to sit here and get myself all worked up over the fact that yes, this could have been us. But it wasn't and I have no "job" here, I have nothing to do or say or fix, I can't help anyone (but maybe JJ) and I feel a little useless. I guess I feel like I should have something to do. Like I can't just go to bed, that would be, well, insensitive. Just go to bed, like nothing happened. But what else would I do? That's why I'm sitting here, I guess, because I'd feel guilty, somehow, just checking out for the night. Is that normal, do you think? I really don't care if it is or not, that was rhetorical. But I find this an interesting position to be in. (And I know it's not about me, I hope that's not how this is coming across.)
So I started the day off with a funeral (the father of a good friend) and ended it like this. Wow, some Saturday. Isn't that funny, really? In a sick sort of way? Here I am all feeling sorry for myself with my complicated marriage and my difficult kid and my negative self-esteem and my this, that and the other insurmountable problem, and some woman I don't even know is sitting across the couch from my husband as I write, being told that her husband burned to death. And my good friend B goes to bed tonight, with her 83 year old mother in the next room, knowing it's all done - this long, long week of vigil and goodbyes and truths finally told - without her dad. What in God's name do I have to whine about? What could I possibly face today that even comes close to that? And I don't mean to discount that I've got issues, or even to minimize them, but in perspective, I just want to say to myself, "Are you f#%ing serious?"
Hmmm...maybe this is about me, after all. Maybe I needed a reality check like this?? I haven't hugged J as tight as I did when he left tonight as I have in a long time. I wasn't scared, like JJ, that he was leaving; I was mostly worried for him. I was afraid for him of all that will fall on his shoulders starting now...and what will happen and how he will cope with it. You must be thinking, "his boss died, it's not the end of the world". It's just different in the fire service. Those guys are truly family to each other, and when one of them dies, especially in the line of duty, it's devastating. And then on top of it, there's this whole question about the job itself. It's all about rank and protocol and it's quite likely J will move into that position. Certainly, he is Acting Chief as of an hour ago, but now there's going to have to be this whole big thing to go through to restructure the administration. I just see a month of total chaos ahead for him and I wish, more than anything, that I had made things right with him myself before this happened, so he'd have one less thing to worry about.
Anyway, that's all I had to say, I guess. That and a request to send my J some white light, he's going to need it.
Hope your Saturday was even marginally better than ours...
Love you
A
It's 10:45 on Saturday night and I chose to write because I don't know what else I'm supposed to do right now. About an hour ago, in the middle of watching X-Men with the kids, J got a call from his Assistant Chief: their boss, the Chief of the FD, is dead. He was killed in a fire tonight, out on a wildland team. I don't know where, there weren't really any details at the time. Within 10 minutes, J was gone, after a half dozen phone calls, with me following him all over the house saying, stupidly, "Is there something I can do? What do you need me to do?" Finally he just said "I just need to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I need to make sure I get to M (the Chief's wife) before anyone else does." Which meant that he and his AC had to go do that themselves. At night, like in the movies, when the guys from the department show up at the door and there's only one reason in the world they'd be there.
The weird thing is, I don't even know him, really. I don't know his wife or his family well at all, although over the years I've met his four daughters and I know he has a brand-new grandchild. But despite the fact that we aren't all personal friends, I know that he is one of J's mentors, someone to whom he gives undying loyalty. I know that J is in total shock over the sudden death of a friend, but he's also, instantly in "work mode" (and thank God for that) - you know this is pretty much what he does for a living, crisis management. Death and destruction. This is what he does best and he'll do it for the next couple of days until everything settles down and becomes real and then I know he'll be ready to break. But I'm a little scared because he can't really afford to break - he's the man in charge now. He's the one to whom everyone else is looking to find out what to do next. I mean, in a hundred years you don't sit around planning what to do if this happens, it's not like he has any better idea than anyone else over there.
It doesn't help that he and I relapsed a bit today and weren't really communicating with each other all afternoon, up until the call. And it really didn't help, I know, when JJ lost it all over the place because he was so stricken by the terrifying thought that could have been my dad. He put all the pieces together in no time, that his dad could have been on that team, on that fire, this could be happening to him, just as easily. And Mr. Sensitive that he is, he was just really, really scared and didn't want J to go out. I made J sit down and talk to him before he left and as he did, I could hear his voice crack; I knew it was the last thing he needed in terms of maintaining his composure to get the job done, but as a mother, I knew JJ needed it more than anything else at that moment. Now he's up there in bed, unable to go to sleep; he keeps calling downstairs, "Is Dad home yet?" The poor kid, I don't know how to settle him down.
What a weird thing. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, toward his family or anything, I just can't process the information at all. It occurred to me to sit and think the same thoughts as JJ, to sit here and get myself all worked up over the fact that yes, this could have been us. But it wasn't and I have no "job" here, I have nothing to do or say or fix, I can't help anyone (but maybe JJ) and I feel a little useless. I guess I feel like I should have something to do. Like I can't just go to bed, that would be, well, insensitive. Just go to bed, like nothing happened. But what else would I do? That's why I'm sitting here, I guess, because I'd feel guilty, somehow, just checking out for the night. Is that normal, do you think? I really don't care if it is or not, that was rhetorical. But I find this an interesting position to be in. (And I know it's not about me, I hope that's not how this is coming across.)
So I started the day off with a funeral (the father of a good friend) and ended it like this. Wow, some Saturday. Isn't that funny, really? In a sick sort of way? Here I am all feeling sorry for myself with my complicated marriage and my difficult kid and my negative self-esteem and my this, that and the other insurmountable problem, and some woman I don't even know is sitting across the couch from my husband as I write, being told that her husband burned to death. And my good friend B goes to bed tonight, with her 83 year old mother in the next room, knowing it's all done - this long, long week of vigil and goodbyes and truths finally told - without her dad. What in God's name do I have to whine about? What could I possibly face today that even comes close to that? And I don't mean to discount that I've got issues, or even to minimize them, but in perspective, I just want to say to myself, "Are you f#%ing serious?"
Hmmm...maybe this is about me, after all. Maybe I needed a reality check like this?? I haven't hugged J as tight as I did when he left tonight as I have in a long time. I wasn't scared, like JJ, that he was leaving; I was mostly worried for him. I was afraid for him of all that will fall on his shoulders starting now...and what will happen and how he will cope with it. You must be thinking, "his boss died, it's not the end of the world". It's just different in the fire service. Those guys are truly family to each other, and when one of them dies, especially in the line of duty, it's devastating. And then on top of it, there's this whole question about the job itself. It's all about rank and protocol and it's quite likely J will move into that position. Certainly, he is Acting Chief as of an hour ago, but now there's going to have to be this whole big thing to go through to restructure the administration. I just see a month of total chaos ahead for him and I wish, more than anything, that I had made things right with him myself before this happened, so he'd have one less thing to worry about.
Anyway, that's all I had to say, I guess. That and a request to send my J some white light, he's going to need it.
Hope your Saturday was even marginally better than ours...
Love you
A
Friday, July 25, 2008
Hi, Amanda,
Just in from L's...So glad you wrote, but I'm too tired to respond tonight. Promise to write in the morning.
Love you, B
PS Isn't it you who once said "if your nails look good, everything's okay"?
PPS OMG I think M and V are totally Big E and P
PPPS Lay was right, past tense of lie...but you have screwed up a pronoun or two since my ridiculous admonishing.
Just in from L's...So glad you wrote, but I'm too tired to respond tonight. Promise to write in the morning.
Love you, B
PS Isn't it you who once said "if your nails look good, everything's okay"?
PPS OMG I think M and V are totally Big E and P
PPPS Lay was right, past tense of lie...but you have screwed up a pronoun or two since my ridiculous admonishing.
Look it, Feel it, Be it
Hey B,
How interesting is this. Yesterday you wrote about taking the time to "dress a little nicer on second thought" and consequently spent the rest of your day being showered in good thoughts and words. I loved reading that, because really, when all it takes is a forgotten sweater to make your day (and your self-esteem), does is get any better than that?! But the interesting thing is that K and I went to WW the next morning and imagine what the lesson was: dress better, look better, feel better. Hmmmm....not to mention that I bought the new O magazine (not normal for me, I usually don't like it) and there's an article in there about - wait - looking better = feeling better! Message coming through loud and clear...so I tried it yesterday, hard as it is these days with so little that fits me. But it did feel better.
I am so glad that you at least attempted to talk to M about the kids and her ill-planned vacation. As much as she didn't respond appropriately, you have done what is within your control, within your rights and for you, the right thing. Sadly, she can't/doesn't see the damage...I think of my own mother and father, and of V, and wonder, how much of that comes truly from M and how much comes from V, through her? Maybe because she acquiesces to him to spare conflict, the way I watched my mom do for so many years? Or maybe it has become all her, over the years. All that you have told me about V, though, I keep thinking there's a part of her that would love to agree with you, apologize, ask for help, defy him -- but doesn't know how. Am I totally off base? I've only met her a couple of times and of course, don't know her. And I am definitely not excusing nor condoning her actions, don't get me wrong. Whether she acts of her own volition or feels helpless to act any other way is beside the point. Just thinking out loud. As for L - thank God the two of you are on the same page at least. Imagine if you were the only sensible one around. And you're right, in the end everything happens for a reason. They have you for a reason, now and in the future. And that's not just their blessing, it's yours too. I think every parent in the world is destined to f up his/her kids in some way or another (again, not defending M) so those of us who can provide our kids with surrogate parents (whether we know we do or not) are lucky. I know my kids will be calling T & S sometime in the future to talk about me. On my M's Myspace page, he has a picture of T and him at the beach last spring, and underneath the picture it says "T, basically my hero." A kid with a dad and a step-dad and a doting grandfather....and he picks T for a hero. How much does that say?
Things here are quiet today. K and I worked out this morning then sat for awhile over coffee at Starbucks. We talked about hiding out in our houses and wondered if that is good for us - of course we know it's not. With as much as her husband travels, she was saying how she can spend whole days never leaving the computer, or thumbing through magazines (she's a magazine junkie) or puttering around doing nothing. But purposefully avoiding going out, or making any kind of human contact. I acknowledged feeling the same way - yesterday I never left the house after WW and even turned down an invite to S&T's after dinner. Just couldn't really talk to people, didn't want to. The weird thing is that I was okay going over there to begin with, but then J said something to JJ that set me off and I couldn't imagine having to go sit with friends and pretend I wasn't irked with him. So I just didn't go and I didn't miss it at all. Then this morning K and I agreed that we need to force ourselves to get out and see people (the gym doesn't count). We called S and made dinner plans for tonight; we'll have everyone over here and grill some shrimp. Since we are back on WW, K isn't going to drink, but God knows I'm saving my points. How can I have dinner with T and not drink? It just doesn't work that way. We don't not drink together. Which is fine...I have the points and I'm feeling extremely positive about my second day on the program. I even put on my "fat-but-now-skinny" (did you get that?) jeans, even though they're still tight, just because I am sick of wearing ugly, baggy, dumpy clothes that fail to hide the fact that I am fat, in spite of my self-arguments to the contrary. I know I'm wrong.
Update on J and me...nothing has changed much, other than that we're talking to each other. I guess, if you want to call it talking. I feel so much like we're just going through the motions, I have so little interest in trying. He, on the other hand, went to see MC all by himself, drank a bottle of bourbon with T the other night, telling him that I was going to leave him, and has made tremendous efforts to work through this...without me. I know I must exude indifference, but I can't help it. I just feel exhausted right now. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to explore ways to fix it, I don't want to work on it. I don't want to have sex or go away for the weekend to try to reconnect. I mostly just want to be alone and do my own thing for awhile. Why can't he get dispatched to a fire? This would be a really good time for him to be gone for a week, although I'm sure he (and MC) would disagree. This is probably the time he most needs to be home if we're going to repair anything, I think is what they would both say. Too bad I'm not up for it at the moment.
Wow, that was depressing. What a crappy attitude I have!! He mentioned today that he noticed we have little or no conflict when the kids aren't involved and I laughed, saying "well, I guess that's good in a way, at least we know we'll get along when they're all grown up." Ha ha ha ... will I even be here?
Ok, enough of this. I need to get my mental act together and get ready for company. Tight jeans and all, I can't sink into this pit. Hope you had a good Friday and have a fun weekend planned. (We're going to a funeral - how apropos). Hope to hear from you soon and as always, thanks for listening.
Love
A
How interesting is this. Yesterday you wrote about taking the time to "dress a little nicer on second thought" and consequently spent the rest of your day being showered in good thoughts and words. I loved reading that, because really, when all it takes is a forgotten sweater to make your day (and your self-esteem), does is get any better than that?! But the interesting thing is that K and I went to WW the next morning and imagine what the lesson was: dress better, look better, feel better. Hmmmm....not to mention that I bought the new O magazine (not normal for me, I usually don't like it) and there's an article in there about - wait - looking better = feeling better! Message coming through loud and clear...so I tried it yesterday, hard as it is these days with so little that fits me. But it did feel better.
I am so glad that you at least attempted to talk to M about the kids and her ill-planned vacation. As much as she didn't respond appropriately, you have done what is within your control, within your rights and for you, the right thing. Sadly, she can't/doesn't see the damage...I think of my own mother and father, and of V, and wonder, how much of that comes truly from M and how much comes from V, through her? Maybe because she acquiesces to him to spare conflict, the way I watched my mom do for so many years? Or maybe it has become all her, over the years. All that you have told me about V, though, I keep thinking there's a part of her that would love to agree with you, apologize, ask for help, defy him -- but doesn't know how. Am I totally off base? I've only met her a couple of times and of course, don't know her. And I am definitely not excusing nor condoning her actions, don't get me wrong. Whether she acts of her own volition or feels helpless to act any other way is beside the point. Just thinking out loud. As for L - thank God the two of you are on the same page at least. Imagine if you were the only sensible one around. And you're right, in the end everything happens for a reason. They have you for a reason, now and in the future. And that's not just their blessing, it's yours too. I think every parent in the world is destined to f up his/her kids in some way or another (again, not defending M) so those of us who can provide our kids with surrogate parents (whether we know we do or not) are lucky. I know my kids will be calling T & S sometime in the future to talk about me. On my M's Myspace page, he has a picture of T and him at the beach last spring, and underneath the picture it says "T, basically my hero." A kid with a dad and a step-dad and a doting grandfather....and he picks T for a hero. How much does that say?
Things here are quiet today. K and I worked out this morning then sat for awhile over coffee at Starbucks. We talked about hiding out in our houses and wondered if that is good for us - of course we know it's not. With as much as her husband travels, she was saying how she can spend whole days never leaving the computer, or thumbing through magazines (she's a magazine junkie) or puttering around doing nothing. But purposefully avoiding going out, or making any kind of human contact. I acknowledged feeling the same way - yesterday I never left the house after WW and even turned down an invite to S&T's after dinner. Just couldn't really talk to people, didn't want to. The weird thing is that I was okay going over there to begin with, but then J said something to JJ that set me off and I couldn't imagine having to go sit with friends and pretend I wasn't irked with him. So I just didn't go and I didn't miss it at all. Then this morning K and I agreed that we need to force ourselves to get out and see people (the gym doesn't count). We called S and made dinner plans for tonight; we'll have everyone over here and grill some shrimp. Since we are back on WW, K isn't going to drink, but God knows I'm saving my points. How can I have dinner with T and not drink? It just doesn't work that way. We don't not drink together. Which is fine...I have the points and I'm feeling extremely positive about my second day on the program. I even put on my "fat-but-now-skinny" (did you get that?) jeans, even though they're still tight, just because I am sick of wearing ugly, baggy, dumpy clothes that fail to hide the fact that I am fat, in spite of my self-arguments to the contrary. I know I'm wrong.
Update on J and me...nothing has changed much, other than that we're talking to each other. I guess, if you want to call it talking. I feel so much like we're just going through the motions, I have so little interest in trying. He, on the other hand, went to see MC all by himself, drank a bottle of bourbon with T the other night, telling him that I was going to leave him, and has made tremendous efforts to work through this...without me. I know I must exude indifference, but I can't help it. I just feel exhausted right now. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to explore ways to fix it, I don't want to work on it. I don't want to have sex or go away for the weekend to try to reconnect. I mostly just want to be alone and do my own thing for awhile. Why can't he get dispatched to a fire? This would be a really good time for him to be gone for a week, although I'm sure he (and MC) would disagree. This is probably the time he most needs to be home if we're going to repair anything, I think is what they would both say. Too bad I'm not up for it at the moment.
Wow, that was depressing. What a crappy attitude I have!! He mentioned today that he noticed we have little or no conflict when the kids aren't involved and I laughed, saying "well, I guess that's good in a way, at least we know we'll get along when they're all grown up." Ha ha ha ... will I even be here?
Ok, enough of this. I need to get my mental act together and get ready for company. Tight jeans and all, I can't sink into this pit. Hope you had a good Friday and have a fun weekend planned. (We're going to a funeral - how apropos). Hope to hear from you soon and as always, thanks for listening.
Love
A
Thursday, July 24, 2008
lay lain lie laid
P.S.
I looked up "lay" in the Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions that you gave me years ago, with that particular page tagged. Did I get it right?? :)
I looked up "lay" in the Dictionary of Problem Words and Expressions that you gave me years ago, with that particular page tagged. Did I get it right?? :)
Quick hello
Hey B,
I was doing a bit of hiding out today and didn't make time to sit down and write. K and I got up early and rejoined Weight Watchers (what's that, like the 40th time I've joined in 15 years?) I just can't give up, I guess. I keep telling myself it's a waste of money, it's not the program for me, whatever I can to get out of it, but over the years it has continued to call me back and has shown me success every time I let it. So we went, and I feel much better. I ate well today - I made good choices and practiced my positive self-talk as much as I could. I even lay out in the sun for awhile this afternoon and finished my book, allowing myself the hour or so to relax and feel good.
I also ironed about a thousand shirts, did as many loads of laundry and thought a lot. K and I had a conversation about the fight that J and I had last weekend, and she got me crying in the carwash, but it did feel better to talk a little. I wish I could answer the questions she asked me, but every response seems to be "I don't know" as in "I don't know how I feel" or "I don't know what I want."
I just got sidelined there: J came home from work and dinner's ready. We're heading over to S&T's after dinner so I probably won't get back to this tonight. I'll catch up with you in the morning (with responses to your blogs too :)
Love,
A
I was doing a bit of hiding out today and didn't make time to sit down and write. K and I got up early and rejoined Weight Watchers (what's that, like the 40th time I've joined in 15 years?) I just can't give up, I guess. I keep telling myself it's a waste of money, it's not the program for me, whatever I can to get out of it, but over the years it has continued to call me back and has shown me success every time I let it. So we went, and I feel much better. I ate well today - I made good choices and practiced my positive self-talk as much as I could. I even lay out in the sun for awhile this afternoon and finished my book, allowing myself the hour or so to relax and feel good.
I also ironed about a thousand shirts, did as many loads of laundry and thought a lot. K and I had a conversation about the fight that J and I had last weekend, and she got me crying in the carwash, but it did feel better to talk a little. I wish I could answer the questions she asked me, but every response seems to be "I don't know" as in "I don't know how I feel" or "I don't know what I want."
I just got sidelined there: J came home from work and dinner's ready. We're heading over to S&T's after dinner so I probably won't get back to this tonight. I'll catch up with you in the morning (with responses to your blogs too :)
Love,
A
Desperately Seeking Sun
Hi, Amanda.
Another rainy day here, and--as I am the anti-vampire--it's bumming me out...so I'm headed down to L's tonight for a sleepover with my niece (aka My Sunshine) and nephew C (I can't believe he's 3) and--since the weather forecast for tomorrow is great-- a day at the beach tomorrow.
I wonder how you are doing and hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Barb
Another rainy day here, and--as I am the anti-vampire--it's bumming me out...so I'm headed down to L's tonight for a sleepover with my niece (aka My Sunshine) and nephew C (I can't believe he's 3) and--since the weather forecast for tomorrow is great-- a day at the beach tomorrow.
I wonder how you are doing and hope to hear from you soon.
Love, Barb
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Chakra Colors
My third and final entry for the day...
As I mentioned early, I had to have blood work done today for that thyroid of mine that has decided to stop working (as if it's not hard enough to maintain or lose weight when you're over 40 and drink as many calories as you eat in a day!). I had a couple of errands to run afterward, and the weather was gross, so I took a little more time than I normally would to pick an outfit.
I decided on black capris (pretty standard), a white tank, and a 3/4 sleeve cardigan that I haven't worn in over a year I guess. It's not kiwi, not kelly, but in between--bottle green, I believe it's called. Quite by accident, it happens to be one of the colors in my new Vera Bradley bag. It also looks great with my tan, if I may say so, which, if I may say more, is smokin'. Helps with the self-esteem...hey, I may be fat, but I'm well dressed and tan...
The phlebotomist is a little uncertain about my veins, so calls another in. As they are feeling around for a vein, they start commenting on my sweater. What a great color, looks good on me, matches the bag, oh and the jewelry, and where did I get my tan?...I smile and demure and think I'm glad I took this sweater out of retirement.
I go to the deli counter at my grocery store and just as I'm ordering my ham from the woman who has unwittingly become my deli lady, she interrupts and says, "I love your sweater. Can I tell you? I had to get a dress for a wedding next June and I got a jacket to go with it that's that color and I wasn't sure about it, but now that I see it on you, I'm so glad I got it. It's beautiful. And your jewelry looks good with it." Hmmmm....
Off to get some pork tenderloin, and I pass this mother daughter team, aged probably the same as me and my mom or you and yours. As I'm picking through the tenderloins I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. The mom says, "Excuse me, but my daughter and I were just noticing your sweater. That's so nice. Where did you get it?" Okay. Weird.
Or not. Any normal person would walk away and think, Gee, I should wear this color more often. But I'm not normal. I've been overthinking it. What does it mean that THREE people complimented today? That it's a color I am drawn to and that represents the heart chakra?
My sister L says I need a part time job. lolol. What do you think?....
As I mentioned early, I had to have blood work done today for that thyroid of mine that has decided to stop working (as if it's not hard enough to maintain or lose weight when you're over 40 and drink as many calories as you eat in a day!). I had a couple of errands to run afterward, and the weather was gross, so I took a little more time than I normally would to pick an outfit.
I decided on black capris (pretty standard), a white tank, and a 3/4 sleeve cardigan that I haven't worn in over a year I guess. It's not kiwi, not kelly, but in between--bottle green, I believe it's called. Quite by accident, it happens to be one of the colors in my new Vera Bradley bag. It also looks great with my tan, if I may say so, which, if I may say more, is smokin'. Helps with the self-esteem...hey, I may be fat, but I'm well dressed and tan...
The phlebotomist is a little uncertain about my veins, so calls another in. As they are feeling around for a vein, they start commenting on my sweater. What a great color, looks good on me, matches the bag, oh and the jewelry, and where did I get my tan?...I smile and demure and think I'm glad I took this sweater out of retirement.
I go to the deli counter at my grocery store and just as I'm ordering my ham from the woman who has unwittingly become my deli lady, she interrupts and says, "I love your sweater. Can I tell you? I had to get a dress for a wedding next June and I got a jacket to go with it that's that color and I wasn't sure about it, but now that I see it on you, I'm so glad I got it. It's beautiful. And your jewelry looks good with it." Hmmmm....
Off to get some pork tenderloin, and I pass this mother daughter team, aged probably the same as me and my mom or you and yours. As I'm picking through the tenderloins I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around. The mom says, "Excuse me, but my daughter and I were just noticing your sweater. That's so nice. Where did you get it?" Okay. Weird.
Or not. Any normal person would walk away and think, Gee, I should wear this color more often. But I'm not normal. I've been overthinking it. What does it mean that THREE people complimented today? That it's a color I am drawn to and that represents the heart chakra?
My sister L says I need a part time job. lolol. What do you think?....
Denial
It's me again.
So, per the suggestion of my other sister L, I called M to get it over with, knowing that the longer I waited to speak to her the more my anger would fester and the less able I would be to say anything meaningful or rational. I rehearsed ways to tell her that I deserved my weekend away after spending the previous weekend upset over her children. Which is pretty much what I said. "Oh, they're fine," she said. "But they weren't," I told her, "that weekend. J was upset about camp and A was crying in Poland." She repeated that they're fine, and said they had talked to A on THURSDAY from Mexico. What?!?!? Great. 5 days after her homesickness kicked in. M thinks that was a good parental response? Calling on Thursday exonerates her from any parent demerits?
So clearly that was worthless. She either doesn't get it, or is in denial/guilt/shame and not willing to admit that it wasn't a great idea. As I mentioned to L, maybe everything happens for a reason...maybe some day J and A will be so angry with their parents and will shut down communication with them. I'll be there to pick up the pieces because they can talk to me...
My battle, mostly fought in my head, is over. Now it's L's turn. M and V are notorious for being cheap, and taking care of their own interests first and foremost at their convenience, often at the inconvenience of others. In fact the whole vacation crap is a case in point. The convenience/inconvenience elements need no explaining. The cheap part is two fold. They grabbed a good deal at the all-inclusive, despite the bad timing. They also sent A to Poland for a month because it was cheaper (and easier) than finding camps for her to attend. Okay, but back to L's impending battle.
M and V have on more than one occasion invited themselves places--like L's beach club. Worse, they have invited themselves to L's timeshare in Newport. Beyond that, it's as if they have now assumed they have a standing invite. (They dumped A on L last year, and left her in Newport for days without leaving her any money. Here, L, take my kid. Oh, and could you pay for her, too? Oh, and then can you figure out how she'll get home?) M has been hinting for an invitation lately. Yesterday she went so far as to ask L what week they had the condo this year, and then told L she had taken the second half of that week off. L said nothing. Held her tongue. And M didn't go there. But L and I know it's a matter of time. And L is a sucker. I told her she needs to practice a response if they do have the balls to ask directly if they can come down, or she needs to pass the phone to her husband, who can tell them no. Can you imagine? I wish L could find it in her to say, Hey, here's an idea, M! Why don't you go away with your kids. You, your husband and your kids. Just the 4 of you! Buy your own timeshare!
It creates tension in the whole family. My parents can't really see the big deal for A to be there with her cousins, but they don't get that cousin time is not the point. It's the brazenness of M and V not to plan their own vacations and not to reciprocate. They have never anyone to their ski place in Vermont. Nor have they offered to bring L's daughter on vacation anywhere. Meantime, back to the cheap thing. Newport is expensive. L and J let their kids get ice cream everyday, let them play in the game room, etc. It's their vacation after all. But it shouldn't be their rsponsibility to treat A all week.
All right. I have to stop. It's getting me all worked up and putting me in a bad mood. One final note, though. M asked me today how much she owed me for the fan that I bought for camp for J. Then she proceeded to tell me that she already returned it. Um... Then you know how much you owe me, wouldn't you say? I can't help but think if I said, "don't worry about it," she wouldn't have told me she returned it. She would have kept the money and in the end she would have gotten counseling, companionship services, and 15 bucks out of me.
Unbelievable. I can't believe we're related....
Thanks for letting me dump. Love you, Barb
So, per the suggestion of my other sister L, I called M to get it over with, knowing that the longer I waited to speak to her the more my anger would fester and the less able I would be to say anything meaningful or rational. I rehearsed ways to tell her that I deserved my weekend away after spending the previous weekend upset over her children. Which is pretty much what I said. "Oh, they're fine," she said. "But they weren't," I told her, "that weekend. J was upset about camp and A was crying in Poland." She repeated that they're fine, and said they had talked to A on THURSDAY from Mexico. What?!?!? Great. 5 days after her homesickness kicked in. M thinks that was a good parental response? Calling on Thursday exonerates her from any parent demerits?
So clearly that was worthless. She either doesn't get it, or is in denial/guilt/shame and not willing to admit that it wasn't a great idea. As I mentioned to L, maybe everything happens for a reason...maybe some day J and A will be so angry with their parents and will shut down communication with them. I'll be there to pick up the pieces because they can talk to me...
My battle, mostly fought in my head, is over. Now it's L's turn. M and V are notorious for being cheap, and taking care of their own interests first and foremost at their convenience, often at the inconvenience of others. In fact the whole vacation crap is a case in point. The convenience/inconvenience elements need no explaining. The cheap part is two fold. They grabbed a good deal at the all-inclusive, despite the bad timing. They also sent A to Poland for a month because it was cheaper (and easier) than finding camps for her to attend. Okay, but back to L's impending battle.
M and V have on more than one occasion invited themselves places--like L's beach club. Worse, they have invited themselves to L's timeshare in Newport. Beyond that, it's as if they have now assumed they have a standing invite. (They dumped A on L last year, and left her in Newport for days without leaving her any money. Here, L, take my kid. Oh, and could you pay for her, too? Oh, and then can you figure out how she'll get home?) M has been hinting for an invitation lately. Yesterday she went so far as to ask L what week they had the condo this year, and then told L she had taken the second half of that week off. L said nothing. Held her tongue. And M didn't go there. But L and I know it's a matter of time. And L is a sucker. I told her she needs to practice a response if they do have the balls to ask directly if they can come down, or she needs to pass the phone to her husband, who can tell them no. Can you imagine? I wish L could find it in her to say, Hey, here's an idea, M! Why don't you go away with your kids. You, your husband and your kids. Just the 4 of you! Buy your own timeshare!
It creates tension in the whole family. My parents can't really see the big deal for A to be there with her cousins, but they don't get that cousin time is not the point. It's the brazenness of M and V not to plan their own vacations and not to reciprocate. They have never anyone to their ski place in Vermont. Nor have they offered to bring L's daughter on vacation anywhere. Meantime, back to the cheap thing. Newport is expensive. L and J let their kids get ice cream everyday, let them play in the game room, etc. It's their vacation after all. But it shouldn't be their rsponsibility to treat A all week.
All right. I have to stop. It's getting me all worked up and putting me in a bad mood. One final note, though. M asked me today how much she owed me for the fan that I bought for camp for J. Then she proceeded to tell me that she already returned it. Um... Then you know how much you owe me, wouldn't you say? I can't help but think if I said, "don't worry about it," she wouldn't have told me she returned it. She would have kept the money and in the end she would have gotten counseling, companionship services, and 15 bucks out of me.
Unbelievable. I can't believe we're related....
Thanks for letting me dump. Love you, Barb
More Later
Good morning.
I do intend to write today, to tell you about the weekend, talk a little about things with W, and the anxiety I'm feeling about talking to my sister, M. She is home from Mexico, and I feel it's important that she knows that things were not easy for her kids or me or my parents while she was gone. I don't want, however, to make her feel bad about herself or sound like I am judging her...
Anyway, my schedule is off, as I have to go get my thryoid levels tested this morning, but it is raining, so I'll do my writing when I'm normally by the pool.
Glad you had a good day yesterday. Am curious about how the evening went with J.
Talk to you later. B
I do intend to write today, to tell you about the weekend, talk a little about things with W, and the anxiety I'm feeling about talking to my sister, M. She is home from Mexico, and I feel it's important that she knows that things were not easy for her kids or me or my parents while she was gone. I don't want, however, to make her feel bad about herself or sound like I am judging her...
Anyway, my schedule is off, as I have to go get my thryoid levels tested this morning, but it is raining, so I'll do my writing when I'm normally by the pool.
Glad you had a good day yesterday. Am curious about how the evening went with J.
Talk to you later. B
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Me again...hope you had a nice first day back, getting settled into the usual routines. I wanted to write a quick note this evening to let you know that today was good - better - and that things may be returning to normal sooner rather than later. I made the first move to open the lines of communication with J this morning in an email. This is a very unusual medium for us, one because usually email sets the wrong tone and two, he was at work. I just felt that I couldn't let it sit another minute, or until the end of the day. I composed the letter in Word first, as if I were writing a real letter instead of jotting off an email, then copied it. He responded within a couple of hours with a very heartfelt note, so my day went a little more smoothly than yesterday. He isn't home from work yet, but I'm sure we'll talk this evening and we'll work things out.
Does that change anything I wrote here yesterday? No, not really, funny enough. I will still long to disappear when the kids are grown and I know my hours on the floor of the closet are far from over. I will still wonder if we are truly meant to be together and the challenges with M will continue each day.
Speaking of which: we went to see A (the counselor) this morning. M wasn't resistant until we were waiting in the waiting room, where he started an argument about why he had to be there. We met with her together for about a half an hour, then I left and she spent some time with him alone. Of course their conversation is confidential so I won't discuss it with her, and I chose not to ask him about it. Today, anyway. He went. He talked. That's a hugely positive start. And, we got along well for the remainder of the day. I couldn't ask for more than that, I think.
I should start thinking about dinner...oh, and there's J now, pulling into the driveway. Thanks again for listening and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
A
Does that change anything I wrote here yesterday? No, not really, funny enough. I will still long to disappear when the kids are grown and I know my hours on the floor of the closet are far from over. I will still wonder if we are truly meant to be together and the challenges with M will continue each day.
Speaking of which: we went to see A (the counselor) this morning. M wasn't resistant until we were waiting in the waiting room, where he started an argument about why he had to be there. We met with her together for about a half an hour, then I left and she spent some time with him alone. Of course their conversation is confidential so I won't discuss it with her, and I chose not to ask him about it. Today, anyway. He went. He talked. That's a hugely positive start. And, we got along well for the remainder of the day. I couldn't ask for more than that, I think.
I should start thinking about dinner...oh, and there's J now, pulling into the driveway. Thanks again for listening and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
A
Thanks
Hey B,
Glad to hear you had a great weekend, and thank you for your thoughtful response. Of course today is less frustrating and the panic has passed, as always. I will check out the Today Show link this morning and you're right, it always helps to know that I am not alone.
I am off to take M to his first counseling appointment this morning, which may turn into counseling for both of us if she works out. He doesn't seem too terribly opposed to going, although I can see in his smart little eyes a glimpse of myself at some point, many years ago, thinking "I know so much more about things than this woman could never know about me...I'll just say what she wants to hear and I'll get out of this in no time." No worries...at least he is going without a fight.
I am anxious to hear about YOU and YOUR weekend, B! I dumped out my life on you and would love to hear what's happening on your end.
More later,
Love A
Glad to hear you had a great weekend, and thank you for your thoughtful response. Of course today is less frustrating and the panic has passed, as always. I will check out the Today Show link this morning and you're right, it always helps to know that I am not alone.
I am off to take M to his first counseling appointment this morning, which may turn into counseling for both of us if she works out. He doesn't seem too terribly opposed to going, although I can see in his smart little eyes a glimpse of myself at some point, many years ago, thinking "I know so much more about things than this woman could never know about me...I'll just say what she wants to hear and I'll get out of this in no time." No worries...at least he is going without a fight.
I am anxious to hear about YOU and YOUR weekend, B! I dumped out my life on you and would love to hear what's happening on your end.
More later,
Love A
Back to Reality
Good morning, Amanda.
I'm back from my long weekend (which was great!) in Maine and Boston, going through my slow readjustment and unpacking period, which is likely to last another day or so... That being said, I'm not sure of my intellectual stamina this morning, so I don't know if I'll be able to give your last two entries a proper response, but I'll try.
Clearly, marriage is a difficult venture--and not just for you and J. I think your frustrations and anxieties are normal and common, especially since you have the added layer of blended family. Yours is not a first marriage, but a second, for both you and J, and in that you have the whole "his, hers, ours" component, and as you noted, the disciplining of M has been a huge sticking point in your marriage.
Of course you crave alone time. I live alone and crave alone time! Finding your alone time in the closet is clever. Sensory deprivation. Dreaming of a time when you can recreate yourself once your parenting is over is healthy. Maybe in that fantasizing you will find an idea that will help you now. Perhaps a vacation, sans husband and children, to Austin is a place to start.
Honestly, Amanda. I'm not just blowing sunshine up your arse because you're my friend and I want you to feel better. In fact, The Today Show had a spot a couple of weeks ago with the author of a Newsweek article about having children and happiness. The gist: married people are less happy after children. Raising children is challenging, satisfying, rewarding, yada yada, but couples are not happier once they have children. I sat watching thinking brilliant! and Duh! at the same time. http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792/page/1 Check it out. You might be able to find the video of the interview on NBC as well. The author of the article was joined by a psychologist I believe. It was great. I remember a staggering number--something like not a single person among 13,000 parents said they were happier after children. I know this, I thought. I am childless and see all sorts of dysfunction and misery in the people in my life with children. (Hence the Duh.)
I share this with you because sometimes I think what you need most is to know you are not alone, that what you feel is normal. And I guess you're not likely to hear that if you don't share, with J, or MC, for example. Today you can be one of 13,000 whose emotional well being has not improved since having children....
Hang in there, A, you're doing okay.
Hope to hear from you later. Love, Barb
I'm back from my long weekend (which was great!) in Maine and Boston, going through my slow readjustment and unpacking period, which is likely to last another day or so... That being said, I'm not sure of my intellectual stamina this morning, so I don't know if I'll be able to give your last two entries a proper response, but I'll try.
Clearly, marriage is a difficult venture--and not just for you and J. I think your frustrations and anxieties are normal and common, especially since you have the added layer of blended family. Yours is not a first marriage, but a second, for both you and J, and in that you have the whole "his, hers, ours" component, and as you noted, the disciplining of M has been a huge sticking point in your marriage.
Of course you crave alone time. I live alone and crave alone time! Finding your alone time in the closet is clever. Sensory deprivation. Dreaming of a time when you can recreate yourself once your parenting is over is healthy. Maybe in that fantasizing you will find an idea that will help you now. Perhaps a vacation, sans husband and children, to Austin is a place to start.
Honestly, Amanda. I'm not just blowing sunshine up your arse because you're my friend and I want you to feel better. In fact, The Today Show had a spot a couple of weeks ago with the author of a Newsweek article about having children and happiness. The gist: married people are less happy after children. Raising children is challenging, satisfying, rewarding, yada yada, but couples are not happier once they have children. I sat watching thinking brilliant! and Duh! at the same time. http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792/page/1 Check it out. You might be able to find the video of the interview on NBC as well. The author of the article was joined by a psychologist I believe. It was great. I remember a staggering number--something like not a single person among 13,000 parents said they were happier after children. I know this, I thought. I am childless and see all sorts of dysfunction and misery in the people in my life with children. (Hence the Duh.)
I share this with you because sometimes I think what you need most is to know you are not alone, that what you feel is normal. And I guess you're not likely to hear that if you don't share, with J, or MC, for example. Today you can be one of 13,000 whose emotional well being has not improved since having children....
Hang in there, A, you're doing okay.
Hope to hear from you later. Love, Barb
Monday, July 21, 2008
Out Loud
Good morning A, and welcome back from Maine!
I hope you had a relaxing and enjoyable long weekend with the man. It's nice to get away mid-summer like this. I wonder, is it hard to say goodbye or is it normal, now, to get back to your "regular life"? I have been thinking about you and your relationship with W, this long-distance thing that I imagine can be very difficult yet maybe really freeing and exciting at the same time. You must never get bored with each other. Do you fight? Do you wish it were different/more? When I was in college in Oregon and all of my boyfriends seemed to come from England, I remember writing once in my journal "Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I think that's a load of shit. Distance makes the heart forget." (Wow, profound eh?) Yet, here I am in the 11th year of my marriage, and I could really, really use some distance.
Which would be why I'm sitting down to write this morning, despite the facts that I don't really know what I want to say, or how to start, or even if I'm in the mood to write. I just feel as though I should; I should say this out loud or release it, at least, into the cyberspace between us so that it's not sitting, festering in my head.
What a difficult time we are going through, J and me. Since M moved back into our house in late February, things have changed so much. This isn't to say that it's anything new - things are always changing with us. Actually, what I should say is that things are always staying the same with us. That is our problem. We continue to go to counseling and I think we have great moments of working effectively on issues between us, but for the most part, we are stubborn people who don't communicate well with each other at all. Our patterns reemerge, it seems, no matter how hard we try to change them; no matter how many new ideas MC (our counselor) throws our way, they are all transient. We become very proud of ourselves when one of them is successful - pat each other on the back and tell each other what a great job we are doing, growing together - but in the end, it always comes back to this: I am who I am and he is who he is. I have finally begun to explore the idea that maybe we're just not good for each other. Maybe this just wasn't supposed to work. Should it really be this hard? Should it really be this painful and challenging? Should I really feel like I'm holding on for dear life all the time?
Since M has moved back, the challenges have mostly centered around him and the relationships between the three of us. He is (and always has been) so headstrong. Stubborn and argumentative and angry and bitter and confused and, oh yeah, 15. He and I don't get along any better now than we ever have; we have awesome moments, days even, together, don't get me wrong. He can make me laugh like crazy. I think he's smart and interesting and very, very creative. But he's so volatile that I can't count on any of these things at any given moment. (Is that the 15 part?) One moment, literally, we can be laughing and talking and connecting; within seconds he can be angry, ugly, shut down. And I will sit there, in all honesty, thinking "What in hell did I just say/do? What just happened?" I think I'm pretty intuitive; I'm good at sensing vibes and being able to put a finger on the issue, usually right away. But with M? Rarely. I have to weigh every word out of my mouth for potential damage, which you know is not exactly my forte. I am terrible at thinking before I speak and it's the kiss of death in my relationship with M.
Apart from that though, is the issue of "discipline", for lack of a better word. I seem to be completely ineffective in this realm, for the most part anyway. Again, we have our moments. Simple requests like "can you put your dirty laundry in the hamper?" can become arguments about why I have to control everything that happens in his room. Larger concerns, like "You'll have to get a job and keep your GPA up if you want to be driving this fall" become major conflicts about how we bought C a car, how she didn't have to have a job or get good grades.
Yes, I know that most of this is the fact that he's a teenager and I don't really question the normalcy of the situations. What has become our biggest problem is that I have allowed J to get in the middle of it to such an extent that I now no longer have any credibility; M no longer listens to me. He questions anything and everything I say, where he questions nothing from J. He doesn't argue with, or challenge or confront him. He simply does as he's asked, usually the first time around.
I think the way it has happened is this: in the beginning, J took the lead on discipline because that is in his nature. He's a controller. He also wanted this family to be our family, not a step family, and he thought that he should take the part of father, regardless of biology. I have never necessarily agreed with this, particularly when it comes to C and me. I have always thought that he should be the first contact on issues with her. But I acquiesced to his beliefs about M, mostly because it was easier than arguing with him about it, but also because I quickly learned that it kind of worked for me. If I couldn't get M to do something, I just played the "J card" and voila! It got done. I would defer to J in any situation when M started to act up and he (J) would willingly step in. Now, five months into this new living arrangement, it's all I do. I hardly ever deal with him beyond the first phase of an argument; I almost immediately turn it over to J and watch him work his magic. Then, of course, I lay into M with "why won't you listen to me like that?" when I know the answer perfectly well. Why should he? He knows he doesn't really have to, I guess.
The conflicts between J and me now, today anyway, are about him feeling like he's in the middle of it all and me feeling like I can't do anything right. Everything I read (and I say I, because he won't read self-help resources) suggests that biological parents should deal with their own children, regardless of the family makeup. I have tried to have this conversation with him but he tells me he just can't do that. He has to step in when M is being out of line. And then I defer, again, because it's easier. On occasion, usually after a big blow up, we agree that he will play no part in discipline or decision making with M, that I will handle it all. That always lasts about a week until I just can't take the conflict anymore and ask for help. And to be fair to myself, I think J ends up relieved when I ask because biting his tongue is usually killing him. It also separates us, painfully, from each other. We stop talking about everything else, it seems, when we don't communicate about M.
A couple of nights ago we had a huge blow up about this and this is day 2 of not speaking to each other. There is so much anger and tension between us I can't even think how to break through it, nor do I know if I really even care. I said things in the argument that are hard to take back, like "I'm just done. I don't even care about having a happy marriage anymore and I'm done wasting money on counseling when all we ever do is revert back to the way things have always been. It would be fine if you just moved out." Things like that, things that stick in a person's head even after make-up sex.
And, per usual, he shut down completely. We talked a bit yesterday after the big argument and, again, I said "Let's just leave everything with M up to me. You just back off of him totally. I will take care of everything that happens between us and we'll figure out how to do it together, just M and me. You can stop feeling like you're in the middle and I can stop feeling inadequate." We left it at that (but still not speaking to each other - that part about "why don't you move it" is probably a bit of a roadblock) but I know it's just the beginning of another cycle unless we get some serious help. M and I happened to have a really good day yesterday but no doubt, there's a storm just around the corner and now I have to face it alone.
Did I really mean the things I said about being done with my marriage? Sort of. On some levels. Do I want to f up JJ the way I've f-ed up M with divorce? Absolutely not. I don't ever want to make JJ move from this house (I've never known more of a homebody in my life). I don't want to disrupt his life in any way, to risk having him become the same distant, brooding, depressed stranger called his brother. I don't want to work full time and never be home and worry about financially being able to keep the house and all of that. But the part about being alone? That sounds awesome. The thought of removing this tension from the house, of removing the tension that runs between J, M and me constantly...that sounds wonderful.
Sometimes I daydream about moving away when JJ is gone. I dream about just packing up my car and going to Santa Fe or Minneapolis or Austin and starting a whole new life, just me. God only knows how or why I pick these places - I've never been to any of them - or what I would do upon arriving. If I never have a full time job as long as I'm married, exactly what do I think I'll do ten years from now? But those things don't concern me in my fantasies. I just revel in the possibility of being ALONE. Not married again, not having wild sex with a 20-year old kid, not exploring a lesbian relationship late in life with some southwestern artist in Birkenstocks. Just me, just ALONE. Sometimes it's all I crave and I think I will explode if I don't get it soon. The details of how that is all going to work out are not important right now.
These days, to be honest, B, my alone time is spent on the floor in my closet, where if I close the door and press a sweater up to the crack, I can achieve total darkness and relative silence. I can sit there for a very long time some days. I sit and contemplate whether or not I'm crazy; will my alone time that comes to me in this fantasy future be in an institution? I try medication after medication - for depression, for anxiety, for ADD - nothing fixes it. I go to counseling almost weekly and I have brief periods where I think I'm feeling healthy. But then it seems to close back in on me when I'm not expecting it and I can't breathe again. I become the raging Mom, the awful wife, the distant and unresponsive friend who stands outside her body and wonders "Who is that? I'm here. Can anyone see me? Can anyone else tell that that isn't really me?" But I can't stop her, I can't even slow her down. She goes like a wind-up toy until she's done and only then can I step back in, and only to do damage control.
I can't tell J this. I haven't even really told MC. Some days I want to; some days I want to tell the entire world that I think I'm crazy, really crazy. Not crazy like I'm a mom with three kids in a marriage that is difficult and a step family and a job and I'm overweight and sometimes there are money issues and my parents are alcoholics, the way every woman is crazy sometimes. Not like if I just sit down with a good book and a glass of wine I can calm down and start it all over again tomorrow. But I mean I'm scared sometimes that I won't be able to get up and do it again tomorrow, that I won't be able to turn on the light and leave the closet one day.
Am I normal? Probably. Do you remember the book "Goodbye Without Leaving"? If you remember, I didn't really love it, but I'll tell you, it speaks to me every day. I think every woman feels this way. Every woman wants to know what would have happened had she not...whatever. Every woman is afraid she can't hang on some days. I know this. I have probably convinced myself that I have disorders I don't have. But I also know that I drink too much, I eat too much, I don't take care of my body; I probably over-medicate to some extent. My daydreams of being alone are not occasional, they are constant. (By the way, two things: I have no intention of leaving my kids for any reason at all; the fantasy is definitely in the future. And two, I am not suicidal in any way either.)
There...I said it out loud. I do feel a little lighter but I am still here, still married to J, still not talking to J, still wishing I could hop a plane to the east coast and sit across the table from you, late into the night, reminiscing and reconnecting and feeling alive again. And now it's Monday morning and I have a list of to-dos a mile long, and I have to actually live my real life for now. JJ is, for some reason, glued to Good Morning America (Jennifer Hudson was singing, that explains it), M and C are still asleep...it's overcast and cool, which is kind of a nice change. I am going to leave the comfort of the computer and attack the day with a positive attitude; send me some white light.
I do hope you had a wonderful weekend and can't wait to hear from you upon your return. Love you lots, A
I hope you had a relaxing and enjoyable long weekend with the man. It's nice to get away mid-summer like this. I wonder, is it hard to say goodbye or is it normal, now, to get back to your "regular life"? I have been thinking about you and your relationship with W, this long-distance thing that I imagine can be very difficult yet maybe really freeing and exciting at the same time. You must never get bored with each other. Do you fight? Do you wish it were different/more? When I was in college in Oregon and all of my boyfriends seemed to come from England, I remember writing once in my journal "Some say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but I think that's a load of shit. Distance makes the heart forget." (Wow, profound eh?) Yet, here I am in the 11th year of my marriage, and I could really, really use some distance.
Which would be why I'm sitting down to write this morning, despite the facts that I don't really know what I want to say, or how to start, or even if I'm in the mood to write. I just feel as though I should; I should say this out loud or release it, at least, into the cyberspace between us so that it's not sitting, festering in my head.
What a difficult time we are going through, J and me. Since M moved back into our house in late February, things have changed so much. This isn't to say that it's anything new - things are always changing with us. Actually, what I should say is that things are always staying the same with us. That is our problem. We continue to go to counseling and I think we have great moments of working effectively on issues between us, but for the most part, we are stubborn people who don't communicate well with each other at all. Our patterns reemerge, it seems, no matter how hard we try to change them; no matter how many new ideas MC (our counselor) throws our way, they are all transient. We become very proud of ourselves when one of them is successful - pat each other on the back and tell each other what a great job we are doing, growing together - but in the end, it always comes back to this: I am who I am and he is who he is. I have finally begun to explore the idea that maybe we're just not good for each other. Maybe this just wasn't supposed to work. Should it really be this hard? Should it really be this painful and challenging? Should I really feel like I'm holding on for dear life all the time?
Since M has moved back, the challenges have mostly centered around him and the relationships between the three of us. He is (and always has been) so headstrong. Stubborn and argumentative and angry and bitter and confused and, oh yeah, 15. He and I don't get along any better now than we ever have; we have awesome moments, days even, together, don't get me wrong. He can make me laugh like crazy. I think he's smart and interesting and very, very creative. But he's so volatile that I can't count on any of these things at any given moment. (Is that the 15 part?) One moment, literally, we can be laughing and talking and connecting; within seconds he can be angry, ugly, shut down. And I will sit there, in all honesty, thinking "What in hell did I just say/do? What just happened?" I think I'm pretty intuitive; I'm good at sensing vibes and being able to put a finger on the issue, usually right away. But with M? Rarely. I have to weigh every word out of my mouth for potential damage, which you know is not exactly my forte. I am terrible at thinking before I speak and it's the kiss of death in my relationship with M.
Apart from that though, is the issue of "discipline", for lack of a better word. I seem to be completely ineffective in this realm, for the most part anyway. Again, we have our moments. Simple requests like "can you put your dirty laundry in the hamper?" can become arguments about why I have to control everything that happens in his room. Larger concerns, like "You'll have to get a job and keep your GPA up if you want to be driving this fall" become major conflicts about how we bought C a car, how she didn't have to have a job or get good grades.
Yes, I know that most of this is the fact that he's a teenager and I don't really question the normalcy of the situations. What has become our biggest problem is that I have allowed J to get in the middle of it to such an extent that I now no longer have any credibility; M no longer listens to me. He questions anything and everything I say, where he questions nothing from J. He doesn't argue with, or challenge or confront him. He simply does as he's asked, usually the first time around.
I think the way it has happened is this: in the beginning, J took the lead on discipline because that is in his nature. He's a controller. He also wanted this family to be our family, not a step family, and he thought that he should take the part of father, regardless of biology. I have never necessarily agreed with this, particularly when it comes to C and me. I have always thought that he should be the first contact on issues with her. But I acquiesced to his beliefs about M, mostly because it was easier than arguing with him about it, but also because I quickly learned that it kind of worked for me. If I couldn't get M to do something, I just played the "J card" and voila! It got done. I would defer to J in any situation when M started to act up and he (J) would willingly step in. Now, five months into this new living arrangement, it's all I do. I hardly ever deal with him beyond the first phase of an argument; I almost immediately turn it over to J and watch him work his magic. Then, of course, I lay into M with "why won't you listen to me like that?" when I know the answer perfectly well. Why should he? He knows he doesn't really have to, I guess.
The conflicts between J and me now, today anyway, are about him feeling like he's in the middle of it all and me feeling like I can't do anything right. Everything I read (and I say I, because he won't read self-help resources) suggests that biological parents should deal with their own children, regardless of the family makeup. I have tried to have this conversation with him but he tells me he just can't do that. He has to step in when M is being out of line. And then I defer, again, because it's easier. On occasion, usually after a big blow up, we agree that he will play no part in discipline or decision making with M, that I will handle it all. That always lasts about a week until I just can't take the conflict anymore and ask for help. And to be fair to myself, I think J ends up relieved when I ask because biting his tongue is usually killing him. It also separates us, painfully, from each other. We stop talking about everything else, it seems, when we don't communicate about M.
A couple of nights ago we had a huge blow up about this and this is day 2 of not speaking to each other. There is so much anger and tension between us I can't even think how to break through it, nor do I know if I really even care. I said things in the argument that are hard to take back, like "I'm just done. I don't even care about having a happy marriage anymore and I'm done wasting money on counseling when all we ever do is revert back to the way things have always been. It would be fine if you just moved out." Things like that, things that stick in a person's head even after make-up sex.
And, per usual, he shut down completely. We talked a bit yesterday after the big argument and, again, I said "Let's just leave everything with M up to me. You just back off of him totally. I will take care of everything that happens between us and we'll figure out how to do it together, just M and me. You can stop feeling like you're in the middle and I can stop feeling inadequate." We left it at that (but still not speaking to each other - that part about "why don't you move it" is probably a bit of a roadblock) but I know it's just the beginning of another cycle unless we get some serious help. M and I happened to have a really good day yesterday but no doubt, there's a storm just around the corner and now I have to face it alone.
Did I really mean the things I said about being done with my marriage? Sort of. On some levels. Do I want to f up JJ the way I've f-ed up M with divorce? Absolutely not. I don't ever want to make JJ move from this house (I've never known more of a homebody in my life). I don't want to disrupt his life in any way, to risk having him become the same distant, brooding, depressed stranger called his brother. I don't want to work full time and never be home and worry about financially being able to keep the house and all of that. But the part about being alone? That sounds awesome. The thought of removing this tension from the house, of removing the tension that runs between J, M and me constantly...that sounds wonderful.
Sometimes I daydream about moving away when JJ is gone. I dream about just packing up my car and going to Santa Fe or Minneapolis or Austin and starting a whole new life, just me. God only knows how or why I pick these places - I've never been to any of them - or what I would do upon arriving. If I never have a full time job as long as I'm married, exactly what do I think I'll do ten years from now? But those things don't concern me in my fantasies. I just revel in the possibility of being ALONE. Not married again, not having wild sex with a 20-year old kid, not exploring a lesbian relationship late in life with some southwestern artist in Birkenstocks. Just me, just ALONE. Sometimes it's all I crave and I think I will explode if I don't get it soon. The details of how that is all going to work out are not important right now.
These days, to be honest, B, my alone time is spent on the floor in my closet, where if I close the door and press a sweater up to the crack, I can achieve total darkness and relative silence. I can sit there for a very long time some days. I sit and contemplate whether or not I'm crazy; will my alone time that comes to me in this fantasy future be in an institution? I try medication after medication - for depression, for anxiety, for ADD - nothing fixes it. I go to counseling almost weekly and I have brief periods where I think I'm feeling healthy. But then it seems to close back in on me when I'm not expecting it and I can't breathe again. I become the raging Mom, the awful wife, the distant and unresponsive friend who stands outside her body and wonders "Who is that? I'm here. Can anyone see me? Can anyone else tell that that isn't really me?" But I can't stop her, I can't even slow her down. She goes like a wind-up toy until she's done and only then can I step back in, and only to do damage control.
I can't tell J this. I haven't even really told MC. Some days I want to; some days I want to tell the entire world that I think I'm crazy, really crazy. Not crazy like I'm a mom with three kids in a marriage that is difficult and a step family and a job and I'm overweight and sometimes there are money issues and my parents are alcoholics, the way every woman is crazy sometimes. Not like if I just sit down with a good book and a glass of wine I can calm down and start it all over again tomorrow. But I mean I'm scared sometimes that I won't be able to get up and do it again tomorrow, that I won't be able to turn on the light and leave the closet one day.
Am I normal? Probably. Do you remember the book "Goodbye Without Leaving"? If you remember, I didn't really love it, but I'll tell you, it speaks to me every day. I think every woman feels this way. Every woman wants to know what would have happened had she not...whatever. Every woman is afraid she can't hang on some days. I know this. I have probably convinced myself that I have disorders I don't have. But I also know that I drink too much, I eat too much, I don't take care of my body; I probably over-medicate to some extent. My daydreams of being alone are not occasional, they are constant. (By the way, two things: I have no intention of leaving my kids for any reason at all; the fantasy is definitely in the future. And two, I am not suicidal in any way either.)
There...I said it out loud. I do feel a little lighter but I am still here, still married to J, still not talking to J, still wishing I could hop a plane to the east coast and sit across the table from you, late into the night, reminiscing and reconnecting and feeling alive again. And now it's Monday morning and I have a list of to-dos a mile long, and I have to actually live my real life for now. JJ is, for some reason, glued to Good Morning America (Jennifer Hudson was singing, that explains it), M and C are still asleep...it's overcast and cool, which is kind of a nice change. I am going to leave the comfort of the computer and attack the day with a positive attitude; send me some white light.
I do hope you had a wonderful weekend and can't wait to hear from you upon your return. Love you lots, A
Friday, July 18, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Scribble therapy
You're right - I shouldn't worry about what is publishable and what is crap. In fact, I knew you were right when I bleeped the entry, because I actually saved it in Word, in the event that I wanted to post it anyway. I just felt like I had gone on and on with irrelevent details about the event, when what I really wanted to explore was my reaction to the situation and my ongoing battle with my self-esteem. So, here's the original post (because you're probably dying to hear the guts and gore)
I had a rather interesting experience Monday night, after one such evening of fine wine (really, I picked it up in Paso on vacation) and taco salad. Remember I complained about M's friend who was here for the weekend and couldn't clean up after himself? M hooked up with a couple of other friends, I'll call them A & B, during the day Monday. These guys have all known each other since they were little and they're always going back and forth between BFFs and hating each other. I can't keep up with who is friends with whom on any given day, so I don't even try. Usually, though, CD, the one who stayed the weekend, draws the short end of the stick in any combination of friends. He can be difficult, he has a really serious lying problem, he's a bit of a poser, the boys end up making fun of him a lot but he's one of those kids who keeps coming back for more, instead of running away in tears. It's that whole 'negative attention is better than no attention' thing I guess. At any rate, he's really an ok kid and for the most part, they all get along.
On Monday evening, we all went over to S&T's house and then the teenagers went off on their own. I guess M, A and B decided to do something and wanted to ditch CD, but he kept following them. (Sorry, I forgot I was trying to make this a short story. You don't need a play-by-play.) In the end, the three of them shut themselves into M's room and were trying to keep CD out (half-playing? half being really mean? I don't know). Then they opened the door to find him and he was gone. They called him on his cell phone and I guess through hysterical laughter he guided them into M's bathroom where they found a huge mess of s#@^ and toilet paper all over the place. Evidently he had taken a dump, then shoved a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet, flushed it until it clogged, and left. He thought it was the funniest thing ever, but M was livid.
Coincidentally, I came home just shortly after the discovery and had to figure out what to do. Since J is gone and I had no sounding board, I called S and asked her opinion. Call CD? Call his mom (my very good friend)? Clean it up and forget about it? Make M clean it up - he was mean in the first place so this was essentially his fault? S was actually right on my page. She suggested I call K, CD's mom, and tell her what happened, then see if CD would come back and clean it up. Well then she put T on the phone to give me his opinion, which was completely different. M and his buddies were being jerks and therefore caused CD to act out, even if inappropriately, and M should clean up the mess. I hung up the phone then and got trapped in the mental place I hate, even though I spend a considerable amount of time there: What should I do to be the best parent? I had an opinion about what I thought was the right thing to do, but the minute T presented Option B, I went right into self doubt and started drowning. What will people think of me if I choose Option A? Option B? What will happen if I ask no one and make up my mind on my own?
As it turned out, CD happened to ride up on his bike and I busted him personally. In fact, I got right up in his face and even dropped a couple of F bombs on him. His response was "My dad just texted me it's time to go home" so I told him I'd be happy to call his dad and let him know it would be awhile. I was so mad I was shaking. He went upstairs and started cleaning while I had a talk with the other three boys about being mean, etc. (I wasn't too happy with them either). Then I got on the phone and called K, my friend and neighbor of eleven years, and tried to tell her what had happened without completely ruining our relationship. Of course, she was angry and embarrassed and congratulated me for not punching him when I admitted swearing at him.
When I got off the phone, I found CD sitting in the upstairs hall, the bathroom now an even bigger mess then before, and was able to deduce that he had no idea how to use a plunger or clean a bathroom. I finally made him leave and spent the next 45 minutes cleaning the bathroom, which was fine; at least that way I knew it was clean. M came in and offered to do it for me; he said "Mom, this isn't your fault. I'll do it." This, I thought, was sweet. When the other two boys came in, we talked about what had happened and how their own behavior was inappropriate also, although I felt justified in clearly differentiating between being mean and covering someone's bathroom in feces. I mean, what the hell??? Poor K, she was mortified.
So there's my parenting story of the week...and I thought granola bar wrappers on the floor was bad. Wow. Little did I know.
Analysis of my reaction: I feel like I did the right thing, save for using the F bomb on a 14-year old kid. I feel like it was his responsibility to clean it up, not M's. I am not absolving M of responsibility for being mean and ganging up on one kid with the rest of his friends. To some extent, I feel like that is relatively normal behavior (not right, not ok, but sort of normal) for teenage boys. I don't think they bully him (I'm trying not to be in denial here) because the "monkey in the middle" isn't always him. They rotate their meanness to some extent. And they do like him. So I think I justified my decision by evaluating M's behavior in the most unbiased way I could, and weighing it against CD's behavior. Of course, the next day, T asked me what had happened. When I told him what I had done, he had that condescending, judgemental tone with me and I managed to brush it off and ignore him. (This is a big step for me.) You know what? This is my kid and I think I'm a pretty intelligent parent. I think I made the best and fairest decision possible in the moment, although I could have toned down the anger a little. M stepped up and was willing to take his lumps, and I thought that was good enough.
My next question would typically be: What do you think? Do you think I did the right thing? Because I typically would still need some validation. But interestingly, I don't this time. I feel completely ok, even if K and I will go through rough patch. That's progress, right? However, please feel free to give me your two cents anyway :) Sorry, as usual, that my short story wasn't.
The analysis of my behavior didn't even get where I wanted to go with it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write, I guess. I do still feel good about my decision. CD came over yesterday and apologized to me - it actually sounded very sincere - and I, in return, apologized for cussing and yelling. He said "You don't have to apologize, I deserved it." Yep, I thought, you did. But I didn't say it. My guess is that he's on restriction now for the rest of forever so I won't have to worry about he and M hanging out together for awhile. I need to call K, though, and make sure we're ok. I'm sure we are; those two boys have been through so much together and we have never let it be about us. Oh, how mature we are. Actually, we mostly just laugh at the stuff they do (they were together when they first discovered sexual exploration, the first time they got in trouble with the law, I'm sure there's more to come.) Thank God she was raised in a trailer park so she's completely devoid of pretentions.
Is there a length limit on posts? I had more things to write today but feel like I've already gone on now forever. Actually, I am babysitting B & A, my neice and nephew, for the morning so I think I'll head outside and supervise the bike jumps in the cul-de-sac to avoid sending one of them home with an injury, which might become life-threatening once their mother finishes looking it up on line and imposing unrelated symptoms on them. Oh, did I say that out loud?
Love,
A
I had a rather interesting experience Monday night, after one such evening of fine wine (really, I picked it up in Paso on vacation) and taco salad. Remember I complained about M's friend who was here for the weekend and couldn't clean up after himself? M hooked up with a couple of other friends, I'll call them A & B, during the day Monday. These guys have all known each other since they were little and they're always going back and forth between BFFs and hating each other. I can't keep up with who is friends with whom on any given day, so I don't even try. Usually, though, CD, the one who stayed the weekend, draws the short end of the stick in any combination of friends. He can be difficult, he has a really serious lying problem, he's a bit of a poser, the boys end up making fun of him a lot but he's one of those kids who keeps coming back for more, instead of running away in tears. It's that whole 'negative attention is better than no attention' thing I guess. At any rate, he's really an ok kid and for the most part, they all get along.
On Monday evening, we all went over to S&T's house and then the teenagers went off on their own. I guess M, A and B decided to do something and wanted to ditch CD, but he kept following them. (Sorry, I forgot I was trying to make this a short story. You don't need a play-by-play.) In the end, the three of them shut themselves into M's room and were trying to keep CD out (half-playing? half being really mean? I don't know). Then they opened the door to find him and he was gone. They called him on his cell phone and I guess through hysterical laughter he guided them into M's bathroom where they found a huge mess of s#@^ and toilet paper all over the place. Evidently he had taken a dump, then shoved a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet, flushed it until it clogged, and left. He thought it was the funniest thing ever, but M was livid.
Coincidentally, I came home just shortly after the discovery and had to figure out what to do. Since J is gone and I had no sounding board, I called S and asked her opinion. Call CD? Call his mom (my very good friend)? Clean it up and forget about it? Make M clean it up - he was mean in the first place so this was essentially his fault? S was actually right on my page. She suggested I call K, CD's mom, and tell her what happened, then see if CD would come back and clean it up. Well then she put T on the phone to give me his opinion, which was completely different. M and his buddies were being jerks and therefore caused CD to act out, even if inappropriately, and M should clean up the mess. I hung up the phone then and got trapped in the mental place I hate, even though I spend a considerable amount of time there: What should I do to be the best parent? I had an opinion about what I thought was the right thing to do, but the minute T presented Option B, I went right into self doubt and started drowning. What will people think of me if I choose Option A? Option B? What will happen if I ask no one and make up my mind on my own?
As it turned out, CD happened to ride up on his bike and I busted him personally. In fact, I got right up in his face and even dropped a couple of F bombs on him. His response was "My dad just texted me it's time to go home" so I told him I'd be happy to call his dad and let him know it would be awhile. I was so mad I was shaking. He went upstairs and started cleaning while I had a talk with the other three boys about being mean, etc. (I wasn't too happy with them either). Then I got on the phone and called K, my friend and neighbor of eleven years, and tried to tell her what had happened without completely ruining our relationship. Of course, she was angry and embarrassed and congratulated me for not punching him when I admitted swearing at him.
When I got off the phone, I found CD sitting in the upstairs hall, the bathroom now an even bigger mess then before, and was able to deduce that he had no idea how to use a plunger or clean a bathroom. I finally made him leave and spent the next 45 minutes cleaning the bathroom, which was fine; at least that way I knew it was clean. M came in and offered to do it for me; he said "Mom, this isn't your fault. I'll do it." This, I thought, was sweet. When the other two boys came in, we talked about what had happened and how their own behavior was inappropriate also, although I felt justified in clearly differentiating between being mean and covering someone's bathroom in feces. I mean, what the hell??? Poor K, she was mortified.
So there's my parenting story of the week...and I thought granola bar wrappers on the floor was bad. Wow. Little did I know.
Analysis of my reaction: I feel like I did the right thing, save for using the F bomb on a 14-year old kid. I feel like it was his responsibility to clean it up, not M's. I am not absolving M of responsibility for being mean and ganging up on one kid with the rest of his friends. To some extent, I feel like that is relatively normal behavior (not right, not ok, but sort of normal) for teenage boys. I don't think they bully him (I'm trying not to be in denial here) because the "monkey in the middle" isn't always him. They rotate their meanness to some extent. And they do like him. So I think I justified my decision by evaluating M's behavior in the most unbiased way I could, and weighing it against CD's behavior. Of course, the next day, T asked me what had happened. When I told him what I had done, he had that condescending, judgemental tone with me and I managed to brush it off and ignore him. (This is a big step for me.) You know what? This is my kid and I think I'm a pretty intelligent parent. I think I made the best and fairest decision possible in the moment, although I could have toned down the anger a little. M stepped up and was willing to take his lumps, and I thought that was good enough.
My next question would typically be: What do you think? Do you think I did the right thing? Because I typically would still need some validation. But interestingly, I don't this time. I feel completely ok, even if K and I will go through rough patch. That's progress, right? However, please feel free to give me your two cents anyway :) Sorry, as usual, that my short story wasn't.
The analysis of my behavior didn't even get where I wanted to go with it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write, I guess. I do still feel good about my decision. CD came over yesterday and apologized to me - it actually sounded very sincere - and I, in return, apologized for cussing and yelling. He said "You don't have to apologize, I deserved it." Yep, I thought, you did. But I didn't say it. My guess is that he's on restriction now for the rest of forever so I won't have to worry about he and M hanging out together for awhile. I need to call K, though, and make sure we're ok. I'm sure we are; those two boys have been through so much together and we have never let it be about us. Oh, how mature we are. Actually, we mostly just laugh at the stuff they do (they were together when they first discovered sexual exploration, the first time they got in trouble with the law, I'm sure there's more to come.) Thank God she was raised in a trailer park so she's completely devoid of pretentions.
Is there a length limit on posts? I had more things to write today but feel like I've already gone on now forever. Actually, I am babysitting B & A, my neice and nephew, for the morning so I think I'll head outside and supervise the bike jumps in the cul-de-sac to avoid sending one of them home with an injury, which might become life-threatening once their mother finishes looking it up on line and imposing unrelated symptoms on them. Oh, did I say that out loud?
Love,
A
Quick Hello
Hey, A,
Not much from me today, as I'm a little short on time. After a productive morning--power walk, laundry, car wash and vacuum, getting rid of experiments in my fridge (all by 10:30)--I need to hop in the shower to get ready to meet my friend M for lunch. She is leaving for Italy next week, so this may be the last time we get together this summer.
M and I have become close over the last few years. I teach with her, but more important than sharing a rarely satisfying career, we share a love of food and wine (dining out and cooking in) and travel, an obsession with grammar, an addiction to reading (including a guilty pleasure for "chick lit"), a zest for life. In many ways she is a composite of old friends who now live far away (especially you, DG, and JS).
I'll check in later tonight in hope of reading more from you and/or to share anything potentially interesting from my luncheon.
Have a great day. Love, Barb
Not much from me today, as I'm a little short on time. After a productive morning--power walk, laundry, car wash and vacuum, getting rid of experiments in my fridge (all by 10:30)--I need to hop in the shower to get ready to meet my friend M for lunch. She is leaving for Italy next week, so this may be the last time we get together this summer.
M and I have become close over the last few years. I teach with her, but more important than sharing a rarely satisfying career, we share a love of food and wine (dining out and cooking in) and travel, an obsession with grammar, an addiction to reading (including a guilty pleasure for "chick lit"), a zest for life. In many ways she is a composite of old friends who now live far away (especially you, DG, and JS).
I'll check in later tonight in hope of reading more from you and/or to share anything potentially interesting from my luncheon.
Have a great day. Love, Barb
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Relax
Hey, Amanda.
Relax. Don't think of these posts as published or concentrate on writing only things you deem publishable. Therapy is good. It's the point. Isn't it what all those volumes (still at my parents'...oops) were about? So, pretend it's those Pier 1 journals we passed back and forth and that we are the only ones reading the entries (which may, at this point, be the case)....And, um, since when aren't you and I the queens of play-by-plays? You did read my weepy weekend story, did you not?....A, you are too hard on yourself--in both writing and parenting realms, and it is a goal of mine to help you work on that through these entries....
Anyway, I'm glad J is home safe and sound and that you're out to dinner. As for M's friend? You exercised great restraint as far as I'm concerned. I would have shoved his head in the toilet...or wanted to....
Love you and look forward to reading more from you. B
Relax. Don't think of these posts as published or concentrate on writing only things you deem publishable. Therapy is good. It's the point. Isn't it what all those volumes (still at my parents'...oops) were about? So, pretend it's those Pier 1 journals we passed back and forth and that we are the only ones reading the entries (which may, at this point, be the case)....And, um, since when aren't you and I the queens of play-by-plays? You did read my weepy weekend story, did you not?....A, you are too hard on yourself--in both writing and parenting realms, and it is a goal of mine to help you work on that through these entries....
Anyway, I'm glad J is home safe and sound and that you're out to dinner. As for M's friend? You exercised great restraint as far as I'm concerned. I would have shoved his head in the toilet...or wanted to....
Love you and look forward to reading more from you. B
Sorry, Barb, for not writing sooner. Actually, I did write this morning, but when I finished, I realized that it wasn't worth publishing; it was therapy for me. It was a very long version of a story that can be summed up thus: one of M's friends, (the one, in fact, who can't clean up after himself) decided it would be funny to take a dump in M's bathroom toilet, fill it with toilet paper and flush it until it clogged....then go home. I was fortunate enough to catch him immediately afterwards and I lit into him like my own kids have rarely seen - even dropped a couple of F bombs on him. Then I had to call his mom and that wasn't fun...what the hell was this kid thinking??? I mean, really. In the end, he didn't know how to clean it up (and I'm serious, didn't even know how to work a plunger) so I had to do it (although M offered).
The post was really supposed to be about how I doubted my decision as a parent about how to handle the situation, but ended up being a long-winded play-by-play retelling of the story, which was boring. So I bleeped it and thought I'd get back to it later today. That didn't happen, and now I'm off to dinner with my family (J just got home from eastern Washington) but I wanted to let you know that I haven't abandoned our blog. I doubt I will get back in here tonight, but I will have time in the morning to sit for awhile so I hope to catch up with you then.
Love,
A
The post was really supposed to be about how I doubted my decision as a parent about how to handle the situation, but ended up being a long-winded play-by-play retelling of the story, which was boring. So I bleeped it and thought I'd get back to it later today. That didn't happen, and now I'm off to dinner with my family (J just got home from eastern Washington) but I wanted to let you know that I haven't abandoned our blog. I doubt I will get back in here tonight, but I will have time in the morning to sit for awhile so I hope to catch up with you then.
Love,
A
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Black and White Photos
Dear Amanda,
Good morning. It's a gorgeous day here in Connecticut and I plan to spend some time by the pool. For now I am in that hour between taking my thyroid meds and being able to eat breakfast (did I tell you my thyroid is in shut down?), and in the hour before the pool opens, during which time I have developed the routine of having my coffee and watching the Today Show, while checking our blog and my email. A power walk is also on the ambitious list of things to do in the morning, but it's a crap shoot--based in part on humidity.
I wonder, since you didn't write yesterday, if you had a bad day or just a busy one. I hope you got caught up in something fun and spontaneous with some friends in the neighborhood...and can't wait to hear about it.
My day yesterday was pretty uneventful. I was grateful for mediocre weather (I didn't feel compelled to be outside) and spent most of my day inside. After I went grocery shopping, I went through my junk mail, decluttered my kitchen, and tried on the dress I'm wearing to my friend's wedding this weekend in another effort to assess whether I can do it without Spanks. Obviously, I'd rather not wear them, as they impair my breathing and make me sweat (just the act of getting them on makes me sweat!) but I need to figure out if that's the best fashion decision. Sometimes I feel like they make me more rotund, displacing my lower belly upward, making me more apple than pear. It becomes, therefore, a question of if I prefer looking like a big bratwurst (with Spanks) or a lumpy sausage (without). Of course there's a part of me that knows no one would really know or notice the difference, especially this time around, since I'm going with W. What most of the guests, those who have never met me or him, will notice is that he is black and I am not.
I don't often think of us as a biracial couple anymore, or don't get anxious about how we will be received. Most of the places we go we are now regulars, and are greeted with a familiar nod, or in some cases by name. Furthermore, as W once noted, we don't go to places where people would necessarily have issues. Rather, we go to places where the customers are more likely than not educated and enlightened, cultured. And, in general, I tend not to hang out with racists.
Of course, I have no idea the attitudes of the extended families of the bride and groom, but I do know the bride and groom and some of the other guests--colleagues who are also friends, with whom we'll be seated, two of whom are black. Yay. At least I know I am not asking W to walk into a room as the only African American. As for me, I really could give a crap about what people might think or say under their breath about me. Instead, I like to think about what a handsome couple we are--both attractive, well dressed, and a good physical fit for each other--and then focus on enjoying myself, enjoying the company of this man I love and any friends in our midst. This weekend will be much the same. Only I'll take lots of pictures.
Given the Spanks debate, I am going to go for my walk before lounging by the pool. Hope all is well with you and yours.
Love, Barb
Good morning. It's a gorgeous day here in Connecticut and I plan to spend some time by the pool. For now I am in that hour between taking my thyroid meds and being able to eat breakfast (did I tell you my thyroid is in shut down?), and in the hour before the pool opens, during which time I have developed the routine of having my coffee and watching the Today Show, while checking our blog and my email. A power walk is also on the ambitious list of things to do in the morning, but it's a crap shoot--based in part on humidity.
I wonder, since you didn't write yesterday, if you had a bad day or just a busy one. I hope you got caught up in something fun and spontaneous with some friends in the neighborhood...and can't wait to hear about it.
My day yesterday was pretty uneventful. I was grateful for mediocre weather (I didn't feel compelled to be outside) and spent most of my day inside. After I went grocery shopping, I went through my junk mail, decluttered my kitchen, and tried on the dress I'm wearing to my friend's wedding this weekend in another effort to assess whether I can do it without Spanks. Obviously, I'd rather not wear them, as they impair my breathing and make me sweat (just the act of getting them on makes me sweat!) but I need to figure out if that's the best fashion decision. Sometimes I feel like they make me more rotund, displacing my lower belly upward, making me more apple than pear. It becomes, therefore, a question of if I prefer looking like a big bratwurst (with Spanks) or a lumpy sausage (without). Of course there's a part of me that knows no one would really know or notice the difference, especially this time around, since I'm going with W. What most of the guests, those who have never met me or him, will notice is that he is black and I am not.
I don't often think of us as a biracial couple anymore, or don't get anxious about how we will be received. Most of the places we go we are now regulars, and are greeted with a familiar nod, or in some cases by name. Furthermore, as W once noted, we don't go to places where people would necessarily have issues. Rather, we go to places where the customers are more likely than not educated and enlightened, cultured. And, in general, I tend not to hang out with racists.
Of course, I have no idea the attitudes of the extended families of the bride and groom, but I do know the bride and groom and some of the other guests--colleagues who are also friends, with whom we'll be seated, two of whom are black. Yay. At least I know I am not asking W to walk into a room as the only African American. As for me, I really could give a crap about what people might think or say under their breath about me. Instead, I like to think about what a handsome couple we are--both attractive, well dressed, and a good physical fit for each other--and then focus on enjoying myself, enjoying the company of this man I love and any friends in our midst. This weekend will be much the same. Only I'll take lots of pictures.
Given the Spanks debate, I am going to go for my walk before lounging by the pool. Hope all is well with you and yours.
Love, Barb
Monday, July 14, 2008
Cookies and Milk
Good Morning.
Thanks, Amanda. Your unwavering faith in me as a person is a gift. After reading your entry, I indeed went out to dinner. Over Pinot Grigio and a grilled chicken Caesar salad I tried to read a little more of my book, but found I couldn't because a) my eyes stung from crying all day and 2) I have reached that certain age where I now need reading glasses in addition to the glasses I've been wearing for distance for decades, and I didn't have them (or my progressive bifocals!) with me. So I just sipped and ate and came home.
Once home I still had a hankering for something. I poured another glass of wine, but it sat and got warm. Finally it came to me. I wanted cookies and milk. So I poured my wine down the drain, and got myself a glass of milk and a half dozen Girl Scout cookies. While I enjoyed the quintessential comfort combo, I thought of A, how some cookies and milk and a big hug might make her feel better. Then I wished I did have those auntie miles to fly around the world--because I'd fly to Poland to give her hug and bring her home....
As for you, dear Amanda, give yourself a break for screaming. I'd scream too if I had to deal with the bad manners and lack of respect. And, honestly, I don't think occasional bouts of hysterical ranting are damaging. Kids can shake it off and walk away, and do so with a snicker probably, muttering under their breaths something akin to crazy b*tch. Whatever. What hurts are calmly spoken, pointed, caustic character assassinations. Guilt trips and silence and emotional absence are difficult to recover from. In my opinion, neglect and disregard have more dire consequences than an occasional high decibel diatribe. Always remember, as in the classroom, grown up meltdowns are reactions to intolerable actions of kids. Not by any means the best reactions as parents or our proudest professional moments, but they come as a response--not out of nowhere because you're as crazy as a loon. :)
So there. Have a great day. Love, Barb
Thanks, Amanda. Your unwavering faith in me as a person is a gift. After reading your entry, I indeed went out to dinner. Over Pinot Grigio and a grilled chicken Caesar salad I tried to read a little more of my book, but found I couldn't because a) my eyes stung from crying all day and 2) I have reached that certain age where I now need reading glasses in addition to the glasses I've been wearing for distance for decades, and I didn't have them (or my progressive bifocals!) with me. So I just sipped and ate and came home.
Once home I still had a hankering for something. I poured another glass of wine, but it sat and got warm. Finally it came to me. I wanted cookies and milk. So I poured my wine down the drain, and got myself a glass of milk and a half dozen Girl Scout cookies. While I enjoyed the quintessential comfort combo, I thought of A, how some cookies and milk and a big hug might make her feel better. Then I wished I did have those auntie miles to fly around the world--because I'd fly to Poland to give her hug and bring her home....
As for you, dear Amanda, give yourself a break for screaming. I'd scream too if I had to deal with the bad manners and lack of respect. And, honestly, I don't think occasional bouts of hysterical ranting are damaging. Kids can shake it off and walk away, and do so with a snicker probably, muttering under their breaths something akin to crazy b*tch. Whatever. What hurts are calmly spoken, pointed, caustic character assassinations. Guilt trips and silence and emotional absence are difficult to recover from. In my opinion, neglect and disregard have more dire consequences than an occasional high decibel diatribe. Always remember, as in the classroom, grown up meltdowns are reactions to intolerable actions of kids. Not by any means the best reactions as parents or our proudest professional moments, but they come as a response--not out of nowhere because you're as crazy as a loon. :)
So there. Have a great day. Love, Barb
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