Back to Reality

Good morning, Amanda.

I'm back from my long weekend (which was great!) in Maine and Boston, going through my slow readjustment and unpacking period, which is likely to last another day or so... That being said, I'm not sure of my intellectual stamina this morning, so I don't know if I'll be able to give your last two entries a proper response, but I'll try.

Clearly, marriage is a difficult venture--and not just for you and J. I think your frustrations and anxieties are normal and common, especially since you have the added layer of blended family. Yours is not a first marriage, but a second, for both you and J, and in that you have the whole "his, hers, ours" component, and as you noted, the disciplining of M has been a huge sticking point in your marriage.

Of course you crave alone time. I live alone and crave alone time! Finding your alone time in the closet is clever. Sensory deprivation. Dreaming of a time when you can recreate yourself once your parenting is over is healthy. Maybe in that fantasizing you will find an idea that will help you now. Perhaps a vacation, sans husband and children, to Austin is a place to start.

Honestly, Amanda. I'm not just blowing sunshine up your arse because you're my friend and I want you to feel better. In fact, The Today Show had a spot a couple of weeks ago with the author of a Newsweek article about having children and happiness. The gist: married people are less happy after children. Raising children is challenging, satisfying, rewarding, yada yada, but couples are not happier once they have children. I sat watching thinking brilliant! and Duh! at the same time. http://www.newsweek.com/id/143792/page/1 Check it out. You might be able to find the video of the interview on NBC as well. The author of the article was joined by a psychologist I believe. It was great. I remember a staggering number--something like not a single person among 13,000 parents said they were happier after children. I know this, I thought. I am childless and see all sorts of dysfunction and misery in the people in my life with children. (Hence the Duh.)

I share this with you because sometimes I think what you need most is to know you are not alone, that what you feel is normal. And I guess you're not likely to hear that if you don't share, with J, or MC, for example. Today you can be one of 13,000 whose emotional well being has not improved since having children....

Hang in there, A, you're doing okay.

Hope to hear from you later. Love, Barb