Breakfast of Shame

Dear Amanda,

Here I am, coffee to my right, hard boiled egg and meat roll up (deli ham rolled up with a slice of cheese, mustard and a pickle spear) to my left, trying to forget that last night , after we hung up the phone, I had a Skinny Cow fudgsicle (only 10 carbs, but not on the acceptable list). Then, when I was done, I counted out 28 Goldfish, 10 potato chips and ate them too. I had way too much to process without the comfort of carbs...But I am so glad you were home and able to talk so that I could throw all that on you and resist carbs for that hour we talked!

Clearly I had no idea that my sister has been carrying all that around with her, and I'm glad she felt she could dump it on me. Unfortunately, dumping it on me is only the first baby step. She still woke up to V and their issues this morning. I imagine this will go on for a while: the sorting out, the counseling, the figuring out if it's salvageable and ultimately (since we agree that it's not) the dissolution of 24 years together. And the damage control.

I told her that counseling is particularly important for her so that she can sort things out and --if they do split up and she ends up in another relationship--she can perhaps not make the same mistakes if she learns from this marriage and what went wrong, if she can learn about herself and why she's made certain choices. Well, this sent her into a crying jag because she said she wants to be able to talk to her kids about their relationships, wants for her kids to be able to come to her as they grow up and date, and right now she feels completely incapable of counseling them in healthy relationships. I felt so bad. 24 years in this marriage with their dad and she can't talk to them about healthy relationships....

I'll keep you posted, but am not sure there will be much to report for a while besides awkwardness. I'm uncomfortable around V to begin with because I dislike him and his controlling nature, the negative energy that surrounds him. No, that he exudes. (L calls it miasma. In fact, she calls him Miasma.) Imagine now when I see him I will be thinking he knows that I know the extent of their dysfunction, the unwitting witness. Knowing V he'll be doing a little chest puffing, still unable and unwilling to take any responsibility for the detritus that is their marriage.

Thank God the sun is shining today. I really need to check out for a while. Sit by the pool with my book and escape into someone else's world. I think I'm even going to bring a big wine spritzer with me. Today I need to be sedated more than I need to be virtuous.

I hope you have a good day, that your meal planning for the chief's family goes well and that you continue to work through this tragedy okay. Thank you so much for taking the time--in the middle of all of it--to listen to me go on and on about my sister's situation. I really needed a friend last night; I'm glad it was you.

Hope to hear from you later. Lots of love, Barb