Sunday morning...crazy already

Good morning B,

Or rather, good afternoon. I have been sleeping late since J's been gone - going on 10am every morning. Last night I was asleep by 11, too, so I got a few good hours in.

I didn't realize that you had already changed the "J and I" error in the actual blog so that's why I was going nuts looking for it.

Random thought: speaking of nuts, I heard a line from a movie I watched last night that I just loved. (the quote, not the movie; did I get the objects and subjects right? :)
Kevin Costner in "Rumor Has It" says: "Life should be a little nuts. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of Thursdays all strung together." That's my new motto. And the movie didn't suck - it was worth a couple of hours of my evening. Jennifer Aniston - I think she's funny, even if predictable.

So I went off on my kids this morning like a crazy woman...like the A who was married to KH in my other lifetime...M had this friend staying over who is a nice enough kid but a serious pig in terms of cleaning up after himself. I came down this morning to find wrappers of stuff on my kitchen floor (yesterday's blog was not an exaggeration) and dirty dishes and whatever else. After asking who was responsible and discovering that indeed ghosts do exist (because they litter) I just lost my s*#@ all over my boys. Poor JJ, sitting there in shock, SpongeBob blabbering in the background, M standing there looking at me much like his father used to...("Look! Mommy's crazy!") and me, just ranting and raving up and down the kitchen, slamming cupboards and saying things like "I am not a maid! How about I just take all my garbage and put it in your bed? Huh? Is that what I should do?"

And here's my thought/analysis/philosophising on this: As I am yelling, I am able to still be outside my body, listening to myself, looking at myself, yet still unable to stop myself. I know that what I am doing is ineffective, if not wrong, and certainly damaging. Maybe not damaging directly, in that my kids will be scarred with low self-esteem or fear, but that they may grow up to view me/remember me predominantly in that light (i.e. my mom was crazy). Granted, my outbursts of this type are much fewer and farther between these days (wow, therapy works!) and I am much more capable of cutting them off much sooner than in the past. I am able to stop, calm down and appropriately apologize to the boys, which I guess is worth something?? Still, I hate that I can't completely control my behavior yet.

Hmmm...did I tell you I have to take a parenting class for this court case with KH? Actually, we both do, so it's not totally unfair and absurd. To be honest, I'm sort of looking forward to it; you know me, the queen of self-help resources. I'll take/read anything if it's going to help. I do think it's sort of funny, though, that I am required to take the class, considering the situation. Mind you, I'm not perfect, but really. KH? That's a parent? Do you know that he hasn't contacted M once since M left in February? Also, KH's girlfriend has a son with whom M is pretty close. They secretly text each other because KH has "forbidden" this kid to talk to M. For God's sake, can you believe that? He texted M the other day that KH and his mom are getting married. My guess is that KH won't even bother to tell M, let alone invite him to the wedding. What kind of father is that? I still have such a hard time grasping his behavior even though I've lived with it now for 26 years. You'd think I wouldn't be surprised anymore, but he continues to amaze me. How can you just desert your own child? M can really move me to madness sometimes but never, never in all my life would I consider shutting him out of my life. That's just insane. I can't even begin to make sense out of it.

OK, enough heavy duty blah blah blah for one day...I should probably get moving and get something accomplished. It's so stinking hot here I just want to lay on the couch and catch the occasional breeze. I'm jealous of you -- I have a sun allergy right now and can't be out in the sun...no wonder I'm a raving b*#@! That explains it!!

Hope to hear from you later,
Love,
A