Upside down in a heartbeat...

Hey there,

It's 10:45 on Saturday night and I chose to write because I don't know what else I'm supposed to do right now. About an hour ago, in the middle of watching X-Men with the kids, J got a call from his Assistant Chief: their boss, the Chief of the FD, is dead. He was killed in a fire tonight, out on a wildland team. I don't know where, there weren't really any details at the time. Within 10 minutes, J was gone, after a half dozen phone calls, with me following him all over the house saying, stupidly, "Is there something I can do? What do you need me to do?" Finally he just said "I just need to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I need to make sure I get to M (the Chief's wife) before anyone else does." Which meant that he and his AC had to go do that themselves. At night, like in the movies, when the guys from the department show up at the door and there's only one reason in the world they'd be there.

The weird thing is, I don't even know him, really. I don't know his wife or his family well at all, although over the years I've met his four daughters and I know he has a brand-new grandchild. But despite the fact that we aren't all personal friends, I know that he is one of J's mentors, someone to whom he gives undying loyalty. I know that J is in total shock over the sudden death of a friend, but he's also, instantly in "work mode" (and thank God for that) - you know this is pretty much what he does for a living, crisis management. Death and destruction. This is what he does best and he'll do it for the next couple of days until everything settles down and becomes real and then I know he'll be ready to break. But I'm a little scared because he can't really afford to break - he's the man in charge now. He's the one to whom everyone else is looking to find out what to do next. I mean, in a hundred years you don't sit around planning what to do if this happens, it's not like he has any better idea than anyone else over there.

It doesn't help that he and I relapsed a bit today and weren't really communicating with each other all afternoon, up until the call. And it really didn't help, I know, when JJ lost it all over the place because he was so stricken by the terrifying thought that could have been my dad. He put all the pieces together in no time, that his dad could have been on that team, on that fire, this could be happening to him, just as easily. And Mr. Sensitive that he is, he was just really, really scared and didn't want J to go out. I made J sit down and talk to him before he left and as he did, I could hear his voice crack; I knew it was the last thing he needed in terms of maintaining his composure to get the job done, but as a mother, I knew JJ needed it more than anything else at that moment. Now he's up there in bed, unable to go to sleep; he keeps calling downstairs, "Is Dad home yet?" The poor kid, I don't know how to settle him down.

What a weird thing. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, toward his family or anything, I just can't process the information at all. It occurred to me to sit and think the same thoughts as JJ, to sit here and get myself all worked up over the fact that yes, this could have been us. But it wasn't and I have no "job" here, I have nothing to do or say or fix, I can't help anyone (but maybe JJ) and I feel a little useless. I guess I feel like I should have something to do. Like I can't just go to bed, that would be, well, insensitive. Just go to bed, like nothing happened. But what else would I do? That's why I'm sitting here, I guess, because I'd feel guilty, somehow, just checking out for the night. Is that normal, do you think? I really don't care if it is or not, that was rhetorical. But I find this an interesting position to be in. (And I know it's not about me, I hope that's not how this is coming across.)

So I started the day off with a funeral (the father of a good friend) and ended it like this. Wow, some Saturday. Isn't that funny, really? In a sick sort of way? Here I am all feeling sorry for myself with my complicated marriage and my difficult kid and my negative self-esteem and my this, that and the other insurmountable problem, and some woman I don't even know is sitting across the couch from my husband as I write, being told that her husband burned to death. And my good friend B goes to bed tonight, with her 83 year old mother in the next room, knowing it's all done - this long, long week of vigil and goodbyes and truths finally told - without her dad. What in God's name do I have to whine about? What could I possibly face today that even comes close to that? And I don't mean to discount that I've got issues, or even to minimize them, but in perspective, I just want to say to myself, "Are you f#%ing serious?"


Hmmm...maybe this is about me, after all. Maybe I needed a reality check like this?? I haven't hugged J as tight as I did when he left tonight as I have in a long time. I wasn't scared, like JJ, that he was leaving; I was mostly worried for him. I was afraid for him of all that will fall on his shoulders starting now...and what will happen and how he will cope with it. You must be thinking, "his boss died, it's not the end of the world". It's just different in the fire service. Those guys are truly family to each other, and when one of them dies, especially in the line of duty, it's devastating. And then on top of it, there's this whole question about the job itself. It's all about rank and protocol and it's quite likely J will move into that position. Certainly, he is Acting Chief as of an hour ago, but now there's going to have to be this whole big thing to go through to restructure the administration. I just see a month of total chaos ahead for him and I wish, more than anything, that I had made things right with him myself before this happened, so he'd have one less thing to worry about.

Anyway, that's all I had to say, I guess. That and a request to send my J some white light, he's going to need it.

Hope your Saturday was even marginally better than ours...
Love you
A