Look it, Feel it, Be it

Hey B,

How interesting is this. Yesterday you wrote about taking the time to "dress a little nicer on second thought" and consequently spent the rest of your day being showered in good thoughts and words. I loved reading that, because really, when all it takes is a forgotten sweater to make your day (and your self-esteem), does is get any better than that?! But the interesting thing is that K and I went to WW the next morning and imagine what the lesson was: dress better, look better, feel better. Hmmmm....not to mention that I bought the new O magazine (not normal for me, I usually don't like it) and there's an article in there about - wait - looking better = feeling better! Message coming through loud and clear...so I tried it yesterday, hard as it is these days with so little that fits me. But it did feel better.



I am so glad that you at least attempted to talk to M about the kids and her ill-planned vacation. As much as she didn't respond appropriately, you have done what is within your control, within your rights and for you, the right thing. Sadly, she can't/doesn't see the damage...I think of my own mother and father, and of V, and wonder, how much of that comes truly from M and how much comes from V, through her? Maybe because she acquiesces to him to spare conflict, the way I watched my mom do for so many years? Or maybe it has become all her, over the years. All that you have told me about V, though, I keep thinking there's a part of her that would love to agree with you, apologize, ask for help, defy him -- but doesn't know how. Am I totally off base? I've only met her a couple of times and of course, don't know her. And I am definitely not excusing nor condoning her actions, don't get me wrong. Whether she acts of her own volition or feels helpless to act any other way is beside the point. Just thinking out loud. As for L - thank God the two of you are on the same page at least. Imagine if you were the only sensible one around. And you're right, in the end everything happens for a reason. They have you for a reason, now and in the future. And that's not just their blessing, it's yours too. I think every parent in the world is destined to f up his/her kids in some way or another (again, not defending M) so those of us who can provide our kids with surrogate parents (whether we know we do or not) are lucky. I know my kids will be calling T & S sometime in the future to talk about me. On my M's Myspace page, he has a picture of T and him at the beach last spring, and underneath the picture it says "T, basically my hero." A kid with a dad and a step-dad and a doting grandfather....and he picks T for a hero. How much does that say?

Things here are quiet today. K and I worked out this morning then sat for awhile over coffee at Starbucks. We talked about hiding out in our houses and wondered if that is good for us - of course we know it's not. With as much as her husband travels, she was saying how she can spend whole days never leaving the computer, or thumbing through magazines (she's a magazine junkie) or puttering around doing nothing. But purposefully avoiding going out, or making any kind of human contact. I acknowledged feeling the same way - yesterday I never left the house after WW and even turned down an invite to S&T's after dinner. Just couldn't really talk to people, didn't want to. The weird thing is that I was okay going over there to begin with, but then J said something to JJ that set me off and I couldn't imagine having to go sit with friends and pretend I wasn't irked with him. So I just didn't go and I didn't miss it at all. Then this morning K and I agreed that we need to force ourselves to get out and see people (the gym doesn't count). We called S and made dinner plans for tonight; we'll have everyone over here and grill some shrimp. Since we are back on WW, K isn't going to drink, but God knows I'm saving my points. How can I have dinner with T and not drink? It just doesn't work that way. We don't not drink together. Which is fine...I have the points and I'm feeling extremely positive about my second day on the program. I even put on my "fat-but-now-skinny" (did you get that?) jeans, even though they're still tight, just because I am sick of wearing ugly, baggy, dumpy clothes that fail to hide the fact that I am fat, in spite of my self-arguments to the contrary. I know I'm wrong.

Update on J and me...nothing has changed much, other than that we're talking to each other. I guess, if you want to call it talking. I feel so much like we're just going through the motions, I have so little interest in trying. He, on the other hand, went to see MC all by himself, drank a bottle of bourbon with T the other night, telling him that I was going to leave him, and has made tremendous efforts to work through this...without me. I know I must exude indifference, but I can't help it. I just feel exhausted right now. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to explore ways to fix it, I don't want to work on it. I don't want to have sex or go away for the weekend to try to reconnect. I mostly just want to be alone and do my own thing for awhile. Why can't he get dispatched to a fire? This would be a really good time for him to be gone for a week, although I'm sure he (and MC) would disagree. This is probably the time he most needs to be home if we're going to repair anything, I think is what they would both say. Too bad I'm not up for it at the moment.

Wow, that was depressing. What a crappy attitude I have!! He mentioned today that he noticed we have little or no conflict when the kids aren't involved and I laughed, saying "well, I guess that's good in a way, at least we know we'll get along when they're all grown up." Ha ha ha ... will I even be here?

Ok, enough of this. I need to get my mental act together and get ready for company. Tight jeans and all, I can't sink into this pit. Hope you had a good Friday and have a fun weekend planned. (We're going to a funeral - how apropos). Hope to hear from you soon and as always, thanks for listening.
Love
A