Pronouns and Teenagers

Dear Barb,



Ok, so how is this for selective reading? I am obsessing over the pronoun I misused. Because I SWEAR that is one of my fortes - I'm really manic about it. AND I love that you called me on it, wherever it is, because I can't even send a text to M without proofreading, editing and maybe even having someone else look at it first. Last night on the news, the headliner read "Firefighters loosing ground" and I about lost my mind. Fortunately, they changed it by the next frame, before I had a chance to call the station and revert back to teacher mode. No kidding...one part about summer that I love is being able to say "Go ahead, spell it wrong. I'm off duty." Sometimes though, it's easier said than done.

I started this entry yesterday but something happened and I left the computer, never to return. I ended up spending the evening with S&T - I don't know if I told you they built an entirely new backyard including a huge deck, a gazebo with a built-in firepit, slate walkways, etc. It looks like something in a magazine. The three of us sat around the firepit last night and I managed to suck down an entire (save maybe 3 oz. ) bottle of sangiovese, by myself. S did her part by chain-drinking rum and cokes, and T had his flask of Petron, or whatever's in there, but I could have stopped around mid-bottle. Normally I split it with K, who can keep up with me, if not surpass me on some occasions, Today I have a headache, which is my excuse du jour for not going to the gym.

J left yesterday afternoon for a wildfire in the Okanogen Forest (north-eastern Washington). Surprisingly, they didn't send him to Spokane, which appears to be burning to the ground. This is his first deployment of the year and he'll be gone at least a week, maybe two. I don't mind him being gone, really, in fact I kind of enjoy my space. It is harder to deal with M, certainly, when I have no backup (M calls J "the Enforcer") but he has a friend here for the weekend and they're really being fairly decent. My patience is tested constantly with their messes and inconsideration for anyone else on earth, though.



What is it that causes the teen to unwrap a granola bar, drop the wrapper on the kitchen floor, head upstairs directly into the no-eating zone and then, later, to act completely indiginant when confronted with the question: "Why can't you put the garbage in the garbage can?" or "Why are you eating in your room?" Why is the answer to these questions something like: "Why are you freaking out? What is the big deal? I'll put the wrapper in the garbage if it's going to ruin your day." or "Why are you freaking out? I'm not cooking food in my room, I'm eating a granola bar. Like how is that supposed to make a mess?" And what is it about me, trained even professionally to understand their behavior, that prevents me from being able to tolerate it? I just want to scream. I feel like I should take some psychology classes so I can get through the next three years without ending up incarcerated - either in a prison or a mental institution. I know I need to be more patient and understand his (M's) developmental level but when he's 6'1" and walks and talks like a man, why can't he act like one?



And why am I the most ignorant and uneducated being on earth? When we were driving in California I was telling him that the new hands-free cell phone/driving laws had gone into effect in Washinton on the 1st of July. He didn't believe me; he kept asking me questions, trying to get me to prove it somehow, and I finally said "M, why don't you believe me? This isn't a personal issue, it's just a law. I didn't make it up." His reply was "I just don't know where you're getting this information from." I was so offended - as if reading the paper, watching the news, being married to J in the public service business and generally paying attention to the world are all things from which I couldn't possibly be capable of learning valid information. He actually had the audacity then to confirm it with J when we got home and in all my maturity and composure, I managed to withold my comment: "What the F?"



I hate to admit this, but it's true: my self esteem is not nearly strong enough to laugh off his perception of my intelligence (or lack thereof) and to just know in my heart that I'm perfectly smart and educated. Instead, I allow his comments to destroy me every time; I somehow allow him to tear me down as effectively as I would have if I had encountered your mean pool girls, as effectively as I did every day in the classroom.



Why? I fight it all the time. What is so fragile in me that I cannot hold onto my gifts and talents when challenged by a snotty, uneducated, ignorant, self-entitled, rude, inconsiderate, immature child? Intellectually, yes, I can tell you that it's ridiculous, but in reality, I am hiding in my closet hating myself.



Wow...where did that come from???? That is a flashback to the old days. Too heavy for our blog? What a downer I am! Every day I look at JJ and think, "Thank God, someone loves me and thinks I rock the universe". K says, "He's not 15 yet" and I want to tell her to shut up, because in my little private world, JJ is never going to be a hateful teenager, no matter what. He is always going to be this sweet and loving.



Hmmm...evidently I had something to get off my chest...thanks always for listening.

Love you, A