Scribble therapy

You're right - I shouldn't worry about what is publishable and what is crap. In fact, I knew you were right when I bleeped the entry, because I actually saved it in Word, in the event that I wanted to post it anyway. I just felt like I had gone on and on with irrelevent details about the event, when what I really wanted to explore was my reaction to the situation and my ongoing battle with my self-esteem. So, here's the original post (because you're probably dying to hear the guts and gore)

I had a rather interesting experience Monday night, after one such evening of fine wine (really, I picked it up in Paso on vacation) and taco salad. Remember I complained about M's friend who was here for the weekend and couldn't clean up after himself? M hooked up with a couple of other friends, I'll call them A & B, during the day Monday. These guys have all known each other since they were little and they're always going back and forth between BFFs and hating each other. I can't keep up with who is friends with whom on any given day, so I don't even try. Usually, though, CD, the one who stayed the weekend, draws the short end of the stick in any combination of friends. He can be difficult, he has a really serious lying problem, he's a bit of a poser, the boys end up making fun of him a lot but he's one of those kids who keeps coming back for more, instead of running away in tears. It's that whole 'negative attention is better than no attention' thing I guess. At any rate, he's really an ok kid and for the most part, they all get along.

On Monday evening, we all went over to S&T's house and then the teenagers went off on their own. I guess M, A and B decided to do something and wanted to ditch CD, but he kept following them. (Sorry, I forgot I was trying to make this a short story. You don't need a play-by-play.) In the end, the three of them shut themselves into M's room and were trying to keep CD out (half-playing? half being really mean? I don't know). Then they opened the door to find him and he was gone. They called him on his cell phone and I guess through hysterical laughter he guided them into M's bathroom where they found a huge mess of s#@^ and toilet paper all over the place. Evidently he had taken a dump, then shoved a bunch of toilet paper in the toilet, flushed it until it clogged, and left. He thought it was the funniest thing ever, but M was livid.

Coincidentally, I came home just shortly after the discovery and had to figure out what to do. Since J is gone and I had no sounding board, I called S and asked her opinion. Call CD? Call his mom (my very good friend)? Clean it up and forget about it? Make M clean it up - he was mean in the first place so this was essentially his fault? S was actually right on my page. She suggested I call K, CD's mom, and tell her what happened, then see if CD would come back and clean it up. Well then she put T on the phone to give me his opinion, which was completely different. M and his buddies were being jerks and therefore caused CD to act out, even if inappropriately, and M should clean up the mess. I hung up the phone then and got trapped in the mental place I hate, even though I spend a considerable amount of time there: What should I do to be the best parent? I had an opinion about what I thought was the right thing to do, but the minute T presented Option B, I went right into self doubt and started drowning. What will people think of me if I choose Option A? Option B? What will happen if I ask no one and make up my mind on my own?

As it turned out, CD happened to ride up on his bike and I busted him personally. In fact, I got right up in his face and even dropped a couple of F bombs on him. His response was "My dad just texted me it's time to go home" so I told him I'd be happy to call his dad and let him know it would be awhile. I was so mad I was shaking. He went upstairs and started cleaning while I had a talk with the other three boys about being mean, etc. (I wasn't too happy with them either). Then I got on the phone and called K, my friend and neighbor of eleven years, and tried to tell her what had happened without completely ruining our relationship. Of course, she was angry and embarrassed and congratulated me for not punching him when I admitted swearing at him.

When I got off the phone, I found CD sitting in the upstairs hall, the bathroom now an even bigger mess then before, and was able to deduce that he had no idea how to use a plunger or clean a bathroom. I finally made him leave and spent the next 45 minutes cleaning the bathroom, which was fine; at least that way I knew it was clean. M came in and offered to do it for me; he said "Mom, this isn't your fault. I'll do it." This, I thought, was sweet. When the other two boys came in, we talked about what had happened and how their own behavior was inappropriate also, although I felt justified in clearly differentiating between being mean and covering someone's bathroom in feces. I mean, what the hell??? Poor K, she was mortified.

So there's my parenting story of the week...and I thought granola bar wrappers on the floor was bad. Wow. Little did I know.

Analysis of my reaction: I feel like I did the right thing, save for using the F bomb on a 14-year old kid. I feel like it was his responsibility to clean it up, not M's. I am not absolving M of responsibility for being mean and ganging up on one kid with the rest of his friends. To some extent, I feel like that is relatively normal behavior (not right, not ok, but sort of normal) for teenage boys. I don't think they bully him (I'm trying not to be in denial here) because the "monkey in the middle" isn't always him. They rotate their meanness to some extent. And they do like him. So I think I justified my decision by evaluating M's behavior in the most unbiased way I could, and weighing it against CD's behavior. Of course, the next day, T asked me what had happened. When I told him what I had done, he had that condescending, judgemental tone with me and I managed to brush it off and ignore him. (This is a big step for me.) You know what? This is my kid and I think I'm a pretty intelligent parent. I think I made the best and fairest decision possible in the moment, although I could have toned down the anger a little. M stepped up and was willing to take his lumps, and I thought that was good enough.

My next question would typically be: What do you think? Do you think I did the right thing? Because I typically would still need some validation. But interestingly, I don't this time. I feel completely ok, even if K and I will go through rough patch. That's progress, right? However, please feel free to give me your two cents anyway :) Sorry, as usual, that my short story wasn't.

The analysis of my behavior didn't even get where I wanted to go with it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to write, I guess. I do still feel good about my decision. CD came over yesterday and apologized to me - it actually sounded very sincere - and I, in return, apologized for cussing and yelling. He said "You don't have to apologize, I deserved it." Yep, I thought, you did. But I didn't say it. My guess is that he's on restriction now for the rest of forever so I won't have to worry about he and M hanging out together for awhile. I need to call K, though, and make sure we're ok. I'm sure we are; those two boys have been through so much together and we have never let it be about us. Oh, how mature we are. Actually, we mostly just laugh at the stuff they do (they were together when they first discovered sexual exploration, the first time they got in trouble with the law, I'm sure there's more to come.) Thank God she was raised in a trailer park so she's completely devoid of pretentions.

Is there a length limit on posts? I had more things to write today but feel like I've already gone on now forever. Actually, I am babysitting B & A, my neice and nephew, for the morning so I think I'll head outside and supervise the bike jumps in the cul-de-sac to avoid sending one of them home with an injury, which might become life-threatening once their mother finishes looking it up on line and imposing unrelated symptoms on them. Oh, did I say that out loud?

Love,
A