Angst and Anger Return

Good afternoon Barb,

I'm sitting here imagining you sitting in the early evening fading sun, trying to finish the book of the day, (which is?) while I sit here, definitely inside, listening to A) the pouring down rain, B) four boys screaming in a pretend car auction in the other room (because of A). I took S's kids for the day so she could help T out at work. This normally isn't a big deal, except that they're trapped in the house and therefore driving me insane. At least M is playing along, leading this auction, and they adore him, so it's no all bad. Just loud. Very.

I'm glad you were refreshed by my entry about books and words. Can I go back to angst and anger now? I wonder if your comment was meant as a gentle reminder that I can get very gloomy and that it might be tiring to read at length. So I will try to be brief here, just to get this off my chest.

Over the weekend when J and I were fighting, one of the thing he said to me was that he didn't know what I need from him, that he didn't feel he could ever "get it right". I thought about that for a long time and then asked him "Have you ever asked me what I need from you?" He said "No, I haven't. Because I don't think you know either." This plunged me into deep thought for the better part of the day; I didn't necessarily think he was wrong but wasn't quite willing to give over completely. I don't suppose I'm 100% sure of what I need, but I think I've got a pretty good idea. I think the problem is more that what I need isn't something he wants to give or is capable of giving in some cases. Like spending more time with the kids. Being interested in their lives. Not spending the entire weekend doing yardwork. Not reading his crackberry every ten minutes. Not ignoring the kids when he comes home from work. Emotional connection. Softness. Fairness. A little less control. And all of these things apply to me too, not just the kids.

But here's my most recent conclusion, and I say this after thinking about something I wrote a couple of posts ago. I wrote that T really "gets" me and I hope I explained what I meant by that - it's not a romantic connection, it's a mental one. Since J said that about my not knowing what I want, I can't help thinking that yes, indeed, I do know what I want. I always have. But every time I ask for it, I don't get it, so maybe I change it around a little bit to make it a little more accessible to him. Does that make sense?

Since I promised to make this short, here it is. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know me even in the smallest of ways that matter. Worse than that, he isn't interested in knowing me. (Don't even read self-pity into this, it's not here. I'm stating fact.) He has absolutely no idea what is important to me, what I love, what I crave, what I dream about, or hope for or regret. And it's not because I'm closed up and don't share - it's because he truly isn't interested. In all the years we have been together, he has expressed not only no interest, but a real disinterest, in visiting England and seeing where I grew up. Never once in all this time, has he ever asked me what I want to do when we retire. We talk a lot about what he wants to do, and how we're going to do it, but he's never asked "How about you?" He doesn't ask what I want to be or do; he couldn't care less what it is I choose to do for a career, like he said, "just figure it out." He isn't my sounding board for ideas. I didn't even bring up the PTA thing with him. I have become so tired of not being heard or getting the standard response: "Whatever you want to do".

If I gave him a quiz about me, a how-well-do-you-know-your-mate quiz out of an issue of Cosmo, he wouldn't be able to pass it. What's her favorite color? What's her favorite food? Leisure activity? Movie? What does she want to do when she retires? What's her greatest fear?

He doesn't want to know. Even if I offer up the information, it falls dead in the air. Not important. Why all of a sudden is this bothering me so much? It's never been any different. Why all of a sudden is it such a disappointment that he's so utterly self-focused?

I don't need you to answer, I'm really just thinking out loud. Just wanted to vent it someplace. I promise not to start writing about this marriage like I did the other one, angst and anger and hatred and bitterness and self pity and despair and whining, whining, whining for volumes. Just talking, that's all.

Hope you enjoyed your day in the SUN. What's it like?
Love,
A