Letting go, starting new

Good morning, B, and welcome back from Newport.

Indeed, I do enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning, every morning. In fact, today I am up before anyone else in the house, even though it's after 9, and I have brewed a perfect pot for the sole purpose of sitting here and blogging my long overdue entry. So in a sense, I am sharing it with you, much the way we have always done. I agree, it's been too long since we shared our morning joe at a real table, but this virtual one is working better for me than the non-existent one of a month or two ago.

I am anxious to hear all about your extended weekend with L et al, while also hoping to hear that M&V simply never showed up. That's likely a foolish wish, but with luck, they only stayed for dinner. I commend you on coaching L to do what is right by her family and am sad for you that, like me, you can't just say to M&V what really needs to be said without risking harmony and balance. That's the trouble with being caregivers, you and I - - we're always giving care. Sometimes I long for the days when I'm very old and half-senile and can go around saying whatever the hell I want to, to whomever, and not care who gets in a bunch about it, or whose family it throws into a spin. As for now, I think we're stuck in the role we've taken on/been given/were born with and our job until the rest home days is to maintain the equilibrium. You do a fine job, though; at least both M and L know to come to you when they want the truth, as well as when they don't. How fortunate your sisters are.

It is Saturday today and raining for the first time in a week or so. The break from the heat is nice, but it's so gloomy. My whole family is home today; C came up on Wednesday and will stay until tomorrow. J is sleeping hard after this long week, finally. My boys are zonked from staying up late to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, which I hope you saw because it was truly a show. We sat around S&T's living room last night, eating tacos and ice cream with fresh peaches, judging outfits and hairdos and looking for our own local hero, a weightlifter from our very own neighborhood. Interestingly, none of us really like her, but we were awfully anxious to claim her now that she's almost famous.

There's no real plan for today, which feels strange. Every day for the past thirteen has had a plan, a goal or many, a purpose. Every day has required thought and organization and timing, and every evening has been a decompression of emotion, ending in mostly restless sleep, until starting all over in the morning. Even yesterday, when Chief's body had been buried in the ground and we had reached that final note of closure, the work was only beginning for the people left in the station. Monday will be the real test, when everyone comes to work and the reality of the new department seeps in with everyone who walks through the door. But today is day one of getting back to normal for our family; there is no yardwork to take J away from us because of the rain, there is no shopping to be done or errands to be run; we could all spend the entire day in our pajamas and watch movies if we wanted to. Wow, what a great idea.

Can I say I'm so glad it's over? Can I say that without sounding insensitive? Can I say that if I hear one more word about the funeral, the services, the ceremonies, the words spoken, the tears shed, I will scream? I can't talk about it anymore, I can't listen anymore. It's too much and I am tired of it consuming our entire lives. Yes, I understand that M and her girls will be all-consumed with this for a long time to come and my heart still breaks for them. But if God gave us the gift of survival, and here we are, our whole family alive and together, shouldn't we move on with that gift and celebrate? I understand mourning and grieving and reliving the awfulness of the event for the purpose of healing, it's just that I can't do it anymore right now. I need to focus on us, and our kids, and our home and our life. Is that selfish? Maybe so. I just don't have it in me to live in this sadness any longer, at least not constantly, and I would extend an apology to whomever that offends, if it does.

But things are different now, and I have to figure out how to go forward in the change without losing the life we had before. What J's new job will entail will make a difference in how our family operates, I think, for a period of time anyway. The uncertainty of whether he will honored with this position permanently will keep us on our toes for awhile. I think a lot about how I will keep it normal around here for the kids and me, without losing my patience with them, or with J. He is so focused and one-track minded right now, it's so hard to get him to rejoin us. I feel alone in most of it, especially when there are challenges with M. I feel a lot like a single mom right now.

Oh, poor me. Wah, wah, wah. Enough of this -- I am tired of listening to my own thoughts.

~~~

Speaking of parenting, though...M has a new girlfriend, for sure. The girl with the snakebites has become the first love of his life (they end their phone calls with "love you" - for God's sake!! It's been one week!!) I am happy for him for so many reasons; he seems so alive lately. He's laughing a lot and his eyes are brighter (and I can see his eyes these days, because they are D's "favorite new color" and she keeps his hair out of them). Her mom is normal and cool and M loves her; she's a single parent who doesn't mind driving the two of them all over the place to meet up and hang out. D is cute and sweet and she sees something in my son that I knew was there but had lost sight of; I'm just relieved and delighted to know that it's still there.

I know they are only kids and I'm well aware that this will end, probably horribly, and probably not too long from now. But in this moment, there is something about seeing my kid in love for the first time that lifts my heart and gives me hope I've really needed these past few months, worrying myself sick over him. I no longer think he's a potential school shooter, not as long as he's this happy. But you know me, the minute this relationship loses its luster and things start to go sour, I will begin to make myself sick again, imagining what he might do if she leaves him....ah, sometimes I crack myself up, I'm so freakin' neurotic.

At any rate, I'm happy to be witness to this; I'm glad this didn't happen while he lived with his dad and I would have missed all this positive energy. Oh, and for the record, he's only asked once about the piercings in the entire week of this love story; I simpy said "no" and he dropped it. Maybe just the girlfriend having it is enough, for now. :)

Well my dear, my kids are slowly wandering downstairs and the sounds of the Olympics on NBC, my "grand-dog" Emily clicking her little toe-nails all over the kitchen, and now, the phone ringing, are filling up my quiet space here at the computer. Not invasive sounds, not unpleasant or unwelcome. In fact, quite the opposite. Now that I have had my morning cup o' joe with you, those are the best sounds I know.

Wishing you a relaxing return from a good vacation and hoping to hear all about it soon,
Love you,
A