Oh, alright, if I must...

Ok, I loved "Call me honey." - how could I not? But my favorite moment? In response to the news of Cornelia's and Teo's love, her mother says "Baby, why the surprise? I've always been on the side of love. Didn't you know that?" Sobbing! And you're right about the vocabulary. The difference between us, I think, is that you read an awful lot more than I, so your vocabulary doesn't get as rusty as mine. Hence, you're not nearly as impressed by most of it as I am. If you remember, tenth grade vocab lists aren't exactly challenging, so it's not like I even have that avenue for learning new words. I so infrequently use intelligent vocabulary in my speech (which I hate about myself, I really do) because I think I sound stilted. To look at me in all my casualness, it would seem weird to hear eloquence flow from my mouth, I think. I think I sound more genuine when I use basic language; I think all of this but I know it's not true. I'm so afraid of sounding smart. I downplay my master's degree whenever I can; I say things like "It's an MA in Teaching, for God's sake, it's not like it's an MBA." Why do I do that? I hate when J brings up how educated I am, because truly, of all my friends -- J, K, R, T, S, -- R and I are the only ones with college degrees, let alone masters'. And he's plenty proud of his MBA; I guess I feel braggardly to mention my education when I am surrounded by high school graduates, but more than that, I truly, honestly feel that they are all, J, T, S and K smarter than I am. Every single one of them has a broader vocabulary, is far more well-read, (both in literature and in daily news) and converses much more intelligently than I do. So somehow, I guess I feel like my MA isn't really legit. If I'm so educated, why don't I sound or act like it? S kicks my ASS at the crossword, K reads two or three different papers every morning, front to back. I have to ask J who to vote for in our local elections because I am so confused by the voters' pamphlets.

I'm quite certain this is baggage I carry around that was packed by E many years ago (is that why they ask you at the airport if anyone else packed your bags? If so, ma'am, just leave that one here at the curb. You won't need it, trust me. ) I struggle so much with accepting my own gifts and talents (to the point that I'm convinced I have none, most of the time). You would think that therapy would have helped more than this. But here's an insight: you talked about taking the safe route, and I think that's what I do. I take the safe, easy route. It's difficult and painful to talk yourself up everyday; it's really easy to just say F*** it, I'm a loser. It doesn't take much effort to keep on being who [you think] you are every day, does it? That's the easy way out.

Back to words. I am so happy to be reading so much this summer, because it actually gives me confidence. If you can use words like entropy and erudite, why can't I? I took the time to look them up, after all. (Ok, I didn't look up erudite.) I'm entitled to use them. The more I read, the more confident I become; I feel like a reader, like a literary person again. This is great power, which has been lost to me for awhile. I've been so busy putting myself down that even a handful of novels can be enough to lift me up again. My reading list the past six months has been terrific - challenging yet fun; unique yet mainstream. I feel like I'm in the loop again. Power.

My favorite book on that list? Water For Elephants. Not only was the language beautiful, the story was just spiritual! (See? Don't I sound like a dork?) And hands down, the most satisfying and delightful ending to a novel I think I have ever read . I do happen to have both of her other novels on hand, Riding Lessons and Flying Changes, neither of which I've had the courage to pick up. I'm afraid they'll ruin WfE. Like A Thousand Splendid Suns took the wind right out of my The Kite Runner sails. If I had waited a year or two to move on, I would have liked it better, but I didn't. Now, if Belong to Me is a sequel, that's different. I'll take it. And I'll take Summer Reading too. Send them along, as I'm now totally broke and going to resort to the library. (I do fear the Jane Green syndrome though...reading Jemima J and putting it in my top-ten-deserted-island book bag, then reading so much JG that I couldn't even bear to see her name on the front of a book cover anymore. )

I also loved Alice Sebold's The Almost Moon (although it didn't hold a candle to The Lovely Bones, but then, what does?) I liked that the tone was different, that the characters were unrelated in every way to the ones in TLB. I read A Spot of Bother and the jury's still out on that one. While The Curious Incident.. was included in my proposal for tenth grade reading, and I think it's one of the greatest books ever, I had trouble with his second one. Different enough, but it didn't hook me like the first one. I finished The Memory Keeper's Daughter and decided that, along that theme, I liked Midwives much better. Even though I'm a huge Alice Hoffman fan, Skylight Confessions was not one of her most shining attempts. The thing about Hoffman is that she's really good at being really dark. And unless she's really, really, dark, she gets a little fluffy and that pisses me off because when I pick up AH, I expect blackness.

ADD moment - had you seen any of the movies mentioned in LWI? I hadn't. I wonder if it would have made a difference. Personally, I hate old movies. Save a few, It's A Wonderful Life, The Wizard of Oz, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and A Streetcar Named Desire, I yawn. Just wondering.

Holy cow, you said to keep writing - that took a lot of arm twisting, didn't it? You see, I could talk about books forever. That's what I thought I signed up for when I agreed to teach English. I thought I'd just stand there in the the front of the room waxing erudite about Steinbeck and Shakespeare and Salinger and all the fresh, young minds would soak them - and me - up until they - all of them - wanted nothing more than to become brilliant readers and scholars and lifelong academics, just like me. Alas, I became a babysitter of semi-literate rednecks who mostly agree that Japanese anime and Truck 'n Trader magazine should count for silent reading. Dream shattered - so what did I do? I gave up too, I suppose. I gave up trying after just a few short years at it, resigning myself to the fact (assumption?) that at least these kids were never going to get it. But I couldn't stand the smart kids!! I couldn't stand the self-entitled uppity stuck-upness that permeated every corner of my room when it was full of AP students - the majority of whom couldn't think beyond a first grade analytical level but they sure were worker bees. "But Ms. McDonald, it's done. It's on time. It's 500 words minimum and it's double spaced with no cover page. Why did I get a C?????" This, followed immediately by the call from Helicopter Mom, who will, no doubt, attend college with her precious daughter in order to defend her from further cruelties in the world. Good lord, I'll take the stupid kids any day. At least they get themselves.

Who'da thunk I'd have so much to say? My wine is empty (oh yes it is) and M is done pouting. Family Guy is on (we both find it hysterical - oh look, one thing we have in common) so I'm going to go in and watch it with him. Then my absolute favorite show on tv is on - The Cleaner, with Benjamin Bratt. Who could not be hotter if he were actually on fire. Thank you for encouraging me to scribble some more tonight...did I already say how much I love our blog? I don't care if no one ever reads it!
Have a good night (or morning if you don't catch this before bedtime)
Love,
A