Out of My Head

Good morning B,

How nice it was to hear your voice this afternoon and to bounce some thoughts and ideas off you. You truly were helpful (and, as my good friend Barb always says, "I'm not just blowin' sunshine up your a**"). In fact what's funny is that the concept of talking to someone was at the heart of our conversation with MA today. I tried to tell J that I need to process things out loud - starting from the very beginning of an issue right up to a final decision. He, on the other hand, apparently doesn't need to do that; he processes all the information in his head until he comes to a final decision, then, if he feels it warrants a second opinion (I guess?) he asks someone else what they think about it. He says he gets frustrated when I say things like "I'm thinking of doing the PTA newsletter, what do you think?" because what he hears is "Make this decision for me." As much as I try to tell him that I don't need a decision, I just need a sounding board, he doesn't know how to do that. He even told MA today that he can't do it, not even for a few minutes. I need to come to him with some pretty good idea of what it is that I want the outcome to be, then he can help me with the final answer. I think. I think that's what he's saying.

So how do I deal with that? Honest to God, if I had to process a major issue in my head, I would be even crazier than I am right now. The first thing I did when that woman asked me to write the newsletter was to email you and call K. I didn't even think about it first!! That's just the way I operate. I also tried to explain to him that if I did all that processing in my head and came to a decision on what I wanted to do, then my heart would already be set on it. What if he then shot the idea down? At least in the longer, joint process, I can see that “veto”, for lack of a better word, coming before I commit myself to a certain decision. I don't think he knows what it means to just listen, not solve anything. His idea of listening, in that case, is to read the paper/fold laundry/thumb through the mail/watch the game/discipline the kids/empty the garbage while I talk.

It all comes down to a really basic premise that maybe my self-deprecation doesn't help, but is not without foundation. I simply think he’s not interested in me/my thoughts/my ideas/my life in general. As it relates to him, sure. Do I keep the house running? Great. My opinion on his clothing, etc? You bet. Planning things like vacations and evenings out and getting a sitter and making sure the kids have school supplies? I’m important there, absolutely. But in the end, what would he really miss about me that a personal assistant couldn’t cover? I don’t make him laugh (unless I’m the butt of a joke – and I don’t mean that in a mean way, I mean like if I do something dorky); he rarely, if ever asks my opinion on anything (I can’t remember the last time he did). Yes, sex matters. He’d miss that, I guess, although it’s not like he’s getting much of it now. He doesn’t take any real interest in my career (he says because he has nowhere to start from – since I don’t know what I want to be, there’s nothing to talk about). Here’s a classic example: your sister M gets caught having an affair because V goes through her phone records…wow, J wouldn’t even think to read this blog if I left it open on the screen. He would see what it was and click out without thinking twice. And that wouldn’t be in an effort to respect my privacy; it would truly be because it wouldn’t interest him in the slightest.

Like I’ve said earlier, he doesn’t really know anything about me. I think he used to, but over the years, he has become so consumed with his work and whatever goes on in his own head, he’s totally lost touch with the fact that I’m even here. And it’s not just me – I have to prompt him to ask the kids about things in their lives – I have to say “Hey, JJ, why don’t you tell Dad what cool thing happened at school today?” because the question itself is very unlikely to pop out of J’s mouth on its own. Sometimes, I have to call J’s attention to the fact that the kids are here – like if he’s leaving or arriving, he’ll say goodbye/hello to me, but often forgets to acknowledge them.

Yes, he goes to all the kids’ games and school functions and conferences. Yes, in the summer, he gets out there and plays ball with Jack. He calls Casey on a regular basis. But in the grand scheme of things, I feel like he only does as much as he can handle, as much as works for him, around his schedule and around his interests. Can I tell you how many times I have endured Sponge Bob with JJ, just because he wants me to sit there and watch it with him? How many rated G movies I’ve taken him and all of his friends to, usually fighting a nap the whole way through every one? How often I run to Target for just one thing, but stay the extra 20 minutes so the kids can browse the toy section? This is my life. I do it every day. Would I choose those activities for myself? No. But I choose them because they are things that strengthen my relationship with my kids. All M ever wants to do with us in the evening is to watch a movie – do you think J could handle that? Only (and it’s only happened like three times) if the movie appeals to him and he’s not too tired, etc. Sometimes the kids will want to play a board game. He will almost always play only if Casey’s here. Otherwise, he’s not interested.

Arghh…I got pulled away from the computer for an hour or so there and now I’ve lost my momentum. Maybe this is a good start to getting it all out of my head. For now, enough. I hope you have a great day at school (ok, I’m ambitious, but genuine)…looking forward to hearing your morning coffee thoughts. (Oh, and the fact that you get up and have enough time to have coffee in the morning blows me away. I am such a get-up-shower-out-the-door-late-every-day person. I marvel at people like you.)

Thanks for listening today! Love you, A