Seeking unity

And so begins the countdown to Vegas. Sorry I didn't write/call yesterday - I was lazing around but by 3:00 I had to got out for awhile...got busy doing other stuff and ended up with S&T for dinner. I was relieved to hear that you didn't come home from Day One, down a bottle of wine and cry yourself to sleep. That would have been my entry had I had to be there yesterday. And the convocation, etc. - that's all the same stuff we have. But the kids don't come until after labor day, that's why I guess I thought the kids were with you all week. It's nice to have those couple of days to psyche yourself up.

I'm struggling a bit with writing this morning. To tell the truth, I was struggling yesterday too, which is probably why I didn't write. J and I had a particularly difficult day on Sunday (yes, in the city, with the concert we almost blew off) and I think I'm still trying to recover. We have a counseling appointment today but my heart isn't in it. I know we need it, don't get me wrong; the conversation we had Sunday seemed to end at the point where we both wondered if our relationship is ever going to be fixable, based on our opposing views on marriage and parenting.

The focus of today's session is supposed to be coming up with a plan for dealing with M together, as J feels that M is ruining our family and our marriage. Honestly, I think M is challenging and that dealing with him separately, as we deal with everything, is making it much more difficult. But I think we're doing a fine job of ruining our family and our marriage all by ourselves. I resented the blame; M's behavior undoubtably causes us to maneuver the 24/7 walk on ice and I agree that we need help with that - serious help. But to say that it's tearing us apart and destroying our marriage, I think, is unfair. It only seems that way because we're letting it happen.

I feel so overwhelmed, B, with the amount of problems we have, I hardly know where to start. I don't know how to go in there and start talking without just blurting out every horrible hateful thing that I can't take back. I have never been one for diplomacy or articulation; J is extremely good at it. So much so, I sometimes think, that he ends up never saying what really needs to be said even thought no one ends up with hurt feelings. No that that's a bad thing, being nice I mean. I just feel like we dance around truths all the time and I'm tired of dancing.

Anyway, my to-do list is a mile long today and I need to get some of it done before we go at 1:00. If you're up for a conversation after work, I'll call when I get home. And if you don't answer, I will totally get it. ;-)
Love, A