Warning: meds not working today

Sounds like a great day with C yesterday. Did she love Italy? I still haven't been. Hmmm..something to think about. I have to tell you how much I love that you "put together some late lunch/snacks to chat with (caprese salad, cucumber salad, kielbasa, a baguette)" as if all those ingredients would be available in any kitchen at any given moment. I feel so...prosaic. It would be a box of Wheat Thins and the spinach artichoke dip from Costco (I might even heat it up) at my house. On the other hand, you ran out of wine. Like that would ever happen chez Amanda. Even if I were down to my last bottle of 2-buck Chuck, I'd have wine. Do you think that's a problem?

I took the quiz on the AA website again yesterday. They suggest that four or more "yes" answers could indicate a problem with drinking. I'm still at two. And I didn't drink yesterday, which didn't cause me heartache, even after a blow-up with M, late in the afternoon, when pouring a drink wouldn't even have been suspect. Although, it's one of the first things that crossed my mind: I need a drink. But I didn't, (need one, or have one) so I felt pretty good about that. I'm still trying to figure out if I should go to a meeting...sometimes I think "Why not? What harm will it do? So it's not for you, don't go back." But then there's that extremist in me who thinks "If I go, that means I'm an alcoholic and there's no turning back." I'd love to get out of my own head.

I'm writing this afternoon because I have a few short minutes to myself; the boys are both gone and J's not due home for at least another half hour or so. Which I'm dreading; how awful is that? I'm sitting here wishing he would get called out or something so that he wouldn't come home and I wouldn't have to spend time with him. I saw him earlier today when he came home for lunch, and that was about all the conversation I could muster up. What on earth am I going to do all weekend? Not to mention, we're supposed to go up to Seattle on Sunday afternoon to browse the market, go out to dinner and catch the Melissa Etheridge concert later in the evening. You know me, I've been looking forward to that show all summer, since I got the tickets for my birthday, but now, floating around in this horrible disconnect, I'd just rather stay home and not talk to each other. And let's not even talk about s-e-x...how can men be intimate when everyting mentally and emotionally is all f**ed up? I don't get it. I have about as much desire to have sex as I do to skydive right now. (Yes, part of that is meds; I can't seem to find anything that doesn't interfere with my libido, but mostly, it's just me. I am completely disinterested.) And I know since it's been awhile....argh. I want to feel bad about it, but I just can't. I feel like I'm living with a stranger.

And other than that uplifting bit, nothing new going on around here today. Funny, but the sun is out and it's warm and breezy. Why would this be the day I most want to stay inside? I'll stop now before I dump it all on you...hope you have something fun planned tonight or this weekend,
Love
A