Walmart or Why I Drink

Hey, look at that. Three days down already. You're already into the 170's. I got another text today from W (my friend from school who texted me yesterday) - this was a picture of another one of our colleagues making a face at the camera and it said "u suck". It a) cracked me up and b) pleasantly surprised me...am I really missed? Wow. That sure feels good. I mean, not good enough to go back, but... :)

Thanks for the note this morning. I wanted to respond but I have had a really difficult day in terms of motivation. Actually, the last few days, really. I could truly sit on the couch all day long and not move, save to eat and pee, if I didn't feel some vague obligation to fold a load of laundry or take a shower or go grocery shopping because we have no food in the house. Today I chose shopping, but I made the horrible mistake of going to Walmart, thinking I'd save some money. I did, on groceries, but I'll make up the savings in blood pressure medicine or wine, for the level of frustration one experiences when dealing with the ultimate level of human incompetence in that store. I swear, the absolute dregs of our community are employed there. Oh, and shop there, too, don't forget. So it's always an adventure even before you get to the checkout stand. Good lord. And I don't think of myself as a snob, really. I think I'm pretty trashy if held in comparison to some of my friends and neighbors. But honestly, wouldn't you think that changing from pajamas into clothing would be a standard human move before going to the store? I'm not even asking for a shower. Ok, enough of my rant. I don't know why I keep thinking it's such a bargain to go there when I come out feeling like this every single time.

That's as far as I got - Walmart. I came home, put the groceries away and immediately curled up on the couch and took a nap. What the f**#? Before that little trip, all I did, I'm not kidding, is take a shower and make my bed. No wonder I'm exhausted! Something's not right again - I'm tired and listless and I struggle to get out of bed/off the couch/get productive. I know I sound like a ridiculous hypochondriac saying that my meds aren't right all the time, but I really can't seem to get it right. I'm not on any anti-d right now because the doc thought I should treat the ADD instead and see what happens. It's not cutting it. God I hate being a nut.

Which may not help with my marriage, but in response to your post earlier today, I do have to say that I agree, most marriages probably do fall into that business relationship category and most people are ok with that for the most part. I think both people get busy with their own lives and kind of veer away from each other for the child-rearing years, and that's normal. I guess I see myself as not really having my own life, so much. I feel like I'm still dependent on J to define my life. I don't have a real career, I'm not really a dedicated stay-home-mom (because I keep ending up working in the end). I am not one of those mothers who gets all wrapped up in her kids and all of their comings and goings (i.e. soccer mom) so who am I really? J got busy with his own life and I just sit here - trying to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be busy doing. Maybe that's why I feel so lonely - I don't have that which most other moms and wives do have to sustain them. And I'm not saying that's anyone's fault - it's certainly mine. I chose not to pursue a career ( for whatever weird reason I don't know). Nothing seemed to be really calling me and now, here I am at 44, with no freakin' idea what to be when I grow up and the clock just keeps ticking away. Every day, I think I need to get my act together and every night I go to bed with my act in pieces, spread all over my life, no different than the day before.

Yeah, I know. Just do it. I f***ing hate that saying. If I could, don't you think I would?

Anyway, thsi afternoon is Open House at J's school so I've got to sign off and head out. I hope you had a good day and look forward to hearing about it in the a.m.
Love, A