Whack Job Amanda

Hey B,

Sounds like you had a wonderful time in Newport this year. I was so glad to hear that M and V did only spend one dinner with you; good for you for staying home! I am anxious to hear about W's visit (L and J are ok with him, no?) and how nice that must have been to have him with your favorite family members. Thanks for the pictures too - I think I'm mixed up on the cousins but I got everyone else right. If S doesn't look like her mom!! And could C be any flippin' cuter? What a doll.

As far as coming home to the letter...I remember that feeling, as if the letter itself were the end of summer. And there is always this tiny spark of hope that by September something miraculous will have happened and we won't have to go back - but the letter is the end of the hope. I feel so privileged not to have to get one this year. I'm still contemplating what I'm going to do and am reluctant to sub (why do I want to go back - except for the perfect schedule?) J is still far removed from the family and family life, so talking about it with him isn't really an option right now. Don't get me started on that... I hope you will enjoy your last three (or do you only have two?) weeks of summer without getting the stress bug going already. Just stay in the sun and keep ice in the cup...that's my motto.

I feel like I should write but am in such a funk I can't think what to write about...whether it's my weight and how it's totally out of control, or it's my teenager and how I'm about to kill him, or it's my husband and his total disconnect from the family, or it's how grateful I am for my 10-year old who loves me unconditionally and promises he always will except that I know that's not true and I dread the day he turns into his brother...maybe I should ramble on about how I'm feeling insane again and I don't want to leave my house or talk to anyone or socialize or even get dressed.

Depressed, you say? Probably. And I bet if I quit drinking, which cancels out my anti-depressants, I would feel better. But the drinking makes me feel better faster. Either drinking or eating or hiding out...any of the three will do for immediate gratification. If I could stay in my house and not get dressed and never have to talk to people...I haven't called my mom in forever, I haven't returned a half dozen phone calls from various people for various reasons, including my main one: I don't want to talk to anyone. The thought of engaging in a conversation with another person makes me anxious and irritable; I mean, I do it because I have to, when I have to, like at the store or because I need something. But the thought of calling JB or my mom or even K or S half the time stresses me out. I feel exhausted from talking and trying to be a good listener.

Something is wrong, I know. I just really can't muster up the energy to fix it right now. I get a re-charge from JJ cracking me up or just being loving and sweet, so I can deal with M for awhile longer, or deal with the absence of J. I know I sound pathetic and self-pitying; I wish I could explain better. It's not feeling sorry for myself as much as it is this sort of aversion to people lately. Sitting here writing, or going to the gym with K (where we don't really talk) is ok. I can do that daily. But I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain my relationships with people in my life because I don't return their calls and don't reach out to contact them.

I know I'm rambling and not making a ton of sense. I am tired, I've been fighting with M all afternoon; it's hot and humid and overcast outside...I'm sorry, I'm not much for even writing today. Maybe I'll check in with you later this evening...love you, sorry! A