Blue Hydrangeas - yay! My favorite! Thanks for the smile. And for the long chat this morning. I ended up ironing for the rest of the morning so I never wrote - hope you get this before bedtime.

It's good times around here, I tell ya. I picked M up at school at 2:20 so he could go get his written test done. This was my idea, I was giving him a second chance. He brought his study book and notes with him to school today. So we get there and wait an hour and a half before we get called. I pay $20 (why did I pay for it? because I'm far too nice) and he takes the test. And fails. This is not the part I'm upset about, though. I'm upset because he didn't like the answer on one of the questions - he swears it's wrong (and that he was right), and since it was the 6th question he missed (you're only allowed to miss 5), it's all because of that one stupid-ass question that if you actually did it that way would get you arrested. I'm not coming back to this stupid place to retake the test if that's really what they think the answer is.

I'm not kidding. This was actually his reaction. As we drove away, he asked why I was so quiet. I said it was because I was disappointed; not disappointed because he failed, but because he didn't plan to come back and retake the test. Which indicates to me that getting his license isn't all that important. Well, it's not, he says. I don't have anything to drive anyway (add in here the silent ending to that sentence: because you guys won't buy me a car). I told him I wished I had known that before I spent half my day and $20 on something that didn't really matter to him. Whatever, he says.

Whatever. Not thanks, not sorry, not let me pay you back, not anything remotely grateful or appreciative. Just whatever. God, sometimes I want to smack the smart ass right out of him. Barb, I fight this every day but I don't know how long I can continue to have a positive attitude about him: I think he's probably smoking pot (I can't figure out how to tell yet); he's hanging out with kids whose reputations are less than desirable, even if false, which I doubt, because I'm not stupid; he has an F in Chemistry because he hasn't turned in the only assignment that's been due so far (a week's worth of "practice", whatever that is) and when I asked him about it, he said it's one tiny little assignment. It's the beginning of the year. (add in the silent: why are you freaking out?) I try to be really positive, to lift him up with compliments and praise and I tell him he's a good kid, and that I love him and that I'm proud of him all the time. I tell everyone else how awesome he is when he can hear me and even when he can't. I never say you're worthless or what the hell is happening to you or what's wrong with you? I try so hard, but every day I understand my dad more and more. Some days I just want to scream and yell and tell him that he's ruining his life, that he's going nowhere, that he's setting himself up to live in a trailer the rest of his life.

Ok, I'm exaggerating. But you get the point. He scares me. And I don't know if that's normal, because he's a teenager, or if I should really be concerned. Certainly, his "look" and the crowd with whom he associates doesn't do much for his credibility, but I hate to stereotype. But I also hate to be in denial, more than anything else on earth. So how do I know? How can I tell if things are really headed in the wrong direction or if, just maybe, I'm really freaking out?

~~

Enough of that. I cooked pork chops in the slow cooker today and I just tasted them. Yawn. And dry, too. That annoys me even more than I already am. I was at least looking forward to a nice dinner, and now...argh! J won't be home for dinner, JJ will complain about the pork chops (of course he would, even if Emeril himself had cooked them) and M will probably skip dinner because A) he's angry and B) he'll snack until he's full between now and then. I'm tempted to call K and see if maybe R is out of town and she needs company for a glass of vino. Ooops...there I go, drowning out my feelings again. Otherwise, I'm going to end up eating by myself (and what's the point if the food's not that good? I might as well open a good bottle of wine instead.)

I'm tired now...not in the mood for writing. Maybe tomorrow?
Love,
A