Food Is Ruling My Life!

Hey there, I know I suck for not writing today. Hope the cooking went well, and if you have a worthwhile recipe to pass on, please do! Did you end up staying in tonight?

Today was not bad - nursing yet another hangover, although it was really more of a food hangover. We ate bbq over at S&T's last night; I started with way too much chips&dip and was kicking back the Sailors & Coke Zero a little too quickly because of the heat. Then I simply ate way too much at dinner, followed by hot tamales (the standard after-dinner treat around the firepit) which just made me sick. So when I got up this morning, regardless of the fact that what I really needed was a good ol' bowl of bran cereal and a venti Americano, I was craving, instead, a big ol' bagel with extra cream cheese and a huge glass of sugar-laden juice. While temporarily just what the doctor ordered, it messed with me the rest of the day. I finally got my Americano on the way to my nephew's birthday party, which was at the BMX bike track. This meant that by the time my body was ready to cooperate with my mind's desire to feel better, I was stuck out in the woods with a porta-potty and 15 screaming kids. Yeah, that sucked.

The rest of the day was good, though. C and I hung around the house until we got bored and went to the mall. She helped me shop for some clothes, since literally everything I own is too small. I got a couple of cute shirts and a pair of jeans that, miraculously, come up above my pubic hairline yet don't have an elastic waistband. C listened to me go on and on about how huge I feel and how out of control my eating is and how the worse I feel the more I eat - she was a very good listener and a very good shopping buddy. It about killed me to buy new clothes when I swear, if I lost a mere 10 pounds I'd have a dozen "new" outfits hanging right there in my closet. They call to me every day...and every day I just eat more and gain more weight. I bought a book this weekend about compulsive eating and I'm hoping I can start to identify what the hell is going on with me and food. Sure, I've always loved food and I've always had a whacked relationship with it, but nothing like this. This is crazy out of control and it's starting to scare me. Nothing seems to pull me back - the old reality checks I used to get, like my "favorite jeans" being too tight - none of them work to rein me back in like they used to. My "favorite jeans" are shoved so far into the back of my closet I'm not sure they're even there anymore. These days I'm happy with any pants that don't cut off my circulation an hour into wearing them.

I'm not kidding, B, this is really bizarre. MC does specialize in eating disorders, among other things, and I've thought about going to see her regarding that. I'm just running out of money for therapy. I guess that's why I bought that book - it's coming via Amazon so I have to wait until next week to get into it. I've never struggled with food obsession like I'm doing now. What's wrong with me?

Anyway...we ended up going out to dinner when C and I got home - M and his new girlfriend, A, (D dumped him) went to the fair tonight. So J, JJ, C and I went to our favorite Italian place (not Olive Garden!) and of course, I ate enough for three people. I didn't even try to order something healthy, I didn't think twice about appetizers or dessert; the fact that I didn't eat my entire dinner was probably due more to looking forward to leftovers tomorrow than to being full. I'm trying not to beat myself up over that. At any rate, we had a very nice time - good conversation all around. It looks like the Board of Commissioners for the FD is about to make a decision on whether or not to appoint J the permanent Fire Chief. We talked as a family about what that would mean for us. C was very honest about J's lack of commitment to his family and how it worried her that he was going to take on yet more work. I am so proud of her; she just says it like it is. We all agreed that that is our biggest concern; I suggested we just make counseling a priority and he agreed. The interesting thing, I noticed, is how he listened to C with respect and interest, and how he kind of shut me down when I started to back her up. Remember I said that thing about him not respecting me? Just another example.

Ok - it's late, and suddenly I'm very tired. Sorry to sign off so abruptly. I'll try to write again in the morning. Love, A