freaking out?

Hey B,

Good news about the outreach coordinator job, and you're right. It's good interview practice and who knows what else they've got going over there? In any case, I'm sure it feels good to receive the first call. There are other things we can do other than teach. :)

I had a crappy morning today so I'll try to make this short. After school yesterday, I took M over to the DMV to get the written portion of his driver's test done. On the way over there, we got into a ridiculous argument about a party he wanted to go to tonight. It is supposed to be in a nearby park and they plan to have a bonfire. I expressed my concerns that that may not be legal, since it's a county park. He told me that, oh yeah, they'd already checked that out, but I said I was going to call myself, just in case, so he didn't get himself into a position where he might get into trouble. Evidently, that constitutes my "freaking out". I tried to maintain my voice level and stay calm and say all the right things they teach you in therapy, but he kept pushing my buttons with the sarcasm and the tone and attitude, until I turned the car around and went home. Later in the evening he rode his bike over to a friend's house, from where he called me to ask if he could eat dinner and go to the football game. At that point, I was so glad not to have his sour vibes in the house, I couldn't have cared less where he went. He came home at 9 - his curfew - and went to bed. This morning, I asked him if he wanted to revisit the conversation from yesterday, but that all went to hell quickly enough.

You don't need the details, I'm sure. I get caught up in that mundane part of it, trying to replay every word I said, figure out how I f**ed that up and how it was all my fault. At least, if it was my fault, I can do something about it. But I really couldn't get there this time; I couldn't figure out for the life of me how it is I "freaked out" and why the whole thing went south on me. He is so rude and hurtful and mean - and so like his father, in so many awful, unbearable ways that keep our relationship from growing into something healthy. He keeps saying he's just going to move out and to be honest, some days I can't wait for that moment. I do, I pray for the strength to get through the next couple of years until he can leave, because I know he will, the minute he can. If not before, which could potentially start today, since I took his phone away this morning. I wouldn't be surprised if he just didn't come home this afternoon.

B, how did I raise such a shit of a kid? How do end up with the trailer park kid when all that surrounds him is privilege and attention? How did so-and-so down the street end up with two perfect girls, straight A kids in sports and student government, and I get this? What did I do differently, if not wrong?

I have to go now - to do the Friday Treats thing at JJ's school. God bless the 10 year old who still loves me most of the time. God help me to not f him up too.

More later when I don't feel like such a loser...sorry....
Love,
A