Grounding Questions

Hey, Amanda, I wanted to check in and click a quick note, but can't promise more than that. I'm not feeling well (welcome back to school!) and am currently in a pissing contest of a sort with W. If he calls I'll want to take the call and maybe put it to rest.

First, the not feeling well. I think you know that I developed allergies when I started teaching, the worse being to dust. Go figure. I take Claritin daily and have now for years, but sometimes it's not enough. After feeling fantastic and not taking a single pseudofed all summer, I go back to school and voila. By Wednesday or Thursday I had the chest tickle, over the weekend it became a sore throat and today I switched into full blown cold mode; I've been popping Advil for a few days for aches, and blowing my nose constantly. I believe my building to be a sick building, but there aren't enough people willing to make someone really figure it out. I pride myself on being one of those people who isn't sick a lot --I mean come on, now, not many germs can survive in me with my steady flow of alcohol ;-) --but I think sometimes it's not within my control.

The pissing contest? Well. W snapped at me this afternoon. I understand he's stressed blah blah but when, several minutes into conversation on my way home from school, I asked him a question ("did you get your first unemployment check yet?") he raised his voice and went off about all the questions I ask. I fell silent. I hate when he takes a tone. It doesn't happen often, but sometimes his tone says to me you are stupid or, worse, you are a stupid nuisance, depends on the situation. Again, it doesn't happen often, but on those rare occasions it does I will say "stop talking to me like I'm stupid," or "you act like I should know that," or whatever comment is most appropriate to let him know he has hurt my feelings. Today I fell silent. When I could speak, I said, "it's called conversation." Then we were silent again. I even tried to change the subject. Filled him in on a tidbit of my day. He didn't respond, so I said, "I'm gonna go now." And we hung up. That was four hours ago.

I guess usually I play peacemaker, not wanting to be angry, silent so far apart. After all, we are doing this long distance; not talking to each other makes it pointless. So I typically call back (pretty quickly) and try to counsel us through it. Today I was just too pissed off. But now that it is getting close to bedtime and I have done all sorts of things to occupy myself--make my healthy lunch for tomorrow, enjoy one of the last Caprese salads of the season for dinner, catch up on my daily journal, write my grocery stock up list, surf for recipes to get inspired to cook again, print some on line coupons--I think I might call. I swear by not going to bed angry, and it has worked for us for three years. I guess I'm willing to make the concession and be the one to call if I don't hear from him soon. And as much as at 4 o'clock I was determined not to answer a call from him, I would pick up the phone if it rings while I am writing.

There are times, when I am frustrated or angry, where I stop and ask myself, Could I live without him? And my answer is yes. Although it may seem opposite, I believe this to indicate that I love him, and that it is a true and mature love--at least in my own experience...If I couldn't live without him I'd either not have hinm, or still be on a hopped up dream of being in love and being useless and worthless without him. When I can answer yes, as I do, it says I love him but I will not love him at the expense of me. I will learn to be without him again. Today, when I asked myself, after answering, yes, I thought, maybe you should get on with it...

And that's my story for tonight. I'll take out the trash now, sneak a cigarette (from whom?) and hope he calls first.

Hope you had a good day. Love, Barb