If I could, I would...

Hello again...thanks for the pre-bedtime note. I'm actually considering turning in early myself - except that my favorite show is on at 10:00 and I hate missing it. Since I don't watch much t.v., if I miss one of the few shows I do enjoy I feel really cheated. (Tonight is The Cleaner). (And no, I don't have tevo or whatever else is out there. I have a VCR that I have never been able to operate since the day I bought it, no lie.) I'm sick of the political stuff for now and just fell asleep watching Dirty Jobs with JJ. How do you get a job like that, anyway? OK, not that job, but one where you just do stuff you like to do. Like Samantha Brown. How I would kill for her job: get paid (well, I might add) to travel around the world, eat, drink and sightsee, then talk about it. Hmmmmm....where did I go wrong? What didn't I major in that would have led me down that path? I just watch her show in awe of her job; I probably miss half the content. And speaking of jobs, yes, this is stint # 2 or 3 at SHM, I did it once when M was a baby for about three months, then when JJ was about one, but that only lasted for five months or so...I seem to always go back to doing something part time (subbing mainly). I get bored or feel guilty about the money or don't actually value the work in my heart. I do struggle with the value, that's a tough one for me and I don't know why since I came from a home that was very supportive of the SHM. My mom's position was always highly valued but somehow, I just question it constantly. Not so much the job itself, but the dependence on my husband to financially support me.

This is hard for me to explain, even to myself. I don't have some inner drive to have a career. I don't crave work outside the home. I actually really enjoy staying home and doing housework and running errands and being here for my kids, whether they need me at home or school or wherever. I am perfectly satisfied with that type of purpose in my life. Do I get bored? Sure, sometimes. Doesn't everyone get bored at work sometimes? The thing that causes me grief is the dependency. Since J and I don't really talk about things, it's hard for me to approach the subject of support. I know how other couples do it - joint bank accounts, one person handles all the finances, one person writes the other person a "salary" check - whatever. Since we don't have any joint funds, this is tricky. I guess he could write me a check every month - I think that's what we've done before, but I resent that there's then a "value" placed on my work as compared to his. And when I run out, I have to ask for more money. I have no - and I mean no - control over our finances at all. If he dropped dead, I wouldn't know where to look or whom to call in terms of what we've got where. I mean, I know what credit cards we have and all that, but I don't know what the balances are, I don't really know what else is out there. Isn't that terrible? Suzie Orman would have my head!!

I sound flippant, but I know it's serious stuff. I know I should get involved with my/our money and insist that we do things together. To be honest, it really isn't my forte, though - money - I tend to really suck with it. So the fact that he's handling it all is secretly just fine with me. That aside, I still feel uncomfortable when it comes to having to depend on him for it. At least when I'm working part time, I've got a small paycheck each month that covers groceries, kids' stuff, nails, coffee, girl dates and clothes for the family. That works really well for me, financially, but then I sacrifice the part about loving staying home. This is probably something we should address in counseling but good lord, our list of things to address is so freakin' long anymore we'd be in there every day if we tried to combat all of it.

Anyway, so that's where I'm at on the SHM job. I think I'm going to try to stick it out until Christmas, get through the holidays and see how it's going. If it's working, then I'll probably go the whole school year. If not, I'll get serious about looking for something. My neighbor, L, is a couple of years younger than I and is going through the exact same thing. She's had several different "careers" in the past ten years, with a degree in social work. Currently, she's in the process of transitioning from banking to accounting. Go figure. I was talking to her today and she's jealous that I am able to take this time to actually assess what it is that I want and need; she doesn't have the luxury of staying home so when one thing doesn't work out, she's kind of forced into trying something new, without being 100% sure it's what she wants, just to remain employed. I am fortunate in that way - I can stop moving long enough to think straight and maybe get it right this time. I just hope I use the time wisely to actually figure it out, instead of putting it off and putting it off, then waking up in a year thinking I don't want to do this for one more day but not having lined up anything else.

What would I do if I could go out and do it today, without further education, training, experience? (Are you an Eat, Pray, Love fan? (Please say yes.) Here is part of my soul searching list:) Party/small event planner. Tour guide. Travel agent. Travel writer. Editor. Column writer for a small paper. Author of a novel. Or two. Online instructor (ok, I could do that now).

Host of a book club television show. Why isn't there one out there now? Sort of like Siskel and Ebert, only books. Like my book club, only on tv. With couches and coffee and girlfriends and in-depth discussions on literature. With author visits and readings. And cute shoes. If you really want to know, that's what I really want to do. But how do you just become the Samantha Brown of book club television? Like I would have the faintest idea where to start with that. Dear Oprah, I have this idea...

It's not like you asked what I want to be when I grow up, but there it is anyway. I actually sat down this evening to write about weight loss and health, but I guess I got side-tracked. Not a bad thing, I must have needed this. It's almost time for hot, hot, hot Benjamin Bratt so I'll sign off for now. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to enjoy it. :)
Happy hump day tomorrow - A