Just Mad

Hey Barb,
I hope you worked things out with W before bed. Nothing worse than going to bed angry, and I should know, we do it all the time. I didn't know that W had lost his job - what happened? Hadn't he been with this company for a long time? (I can't remember who.) Did he get laid off? Please fill in! And not to defend his snapping, but is he very stressed out about this? I'm sure he must be, I just don't know the circumstances.

Funny you should talk about how sometimes his tone says 'You're stupid'. I'm quite familiar with that tone. But mostly, I'm just familiar with the silence. Tonight, J came home for dinner at 6:45 (this is pretty normal, or I've allowed it to be normal, although technically this is an 8-5 job). He had dinner with us and actually engaged the boys in conversation. Toward the end, when JJ had finished and left the table, M and I continued to talk. J then took out his crackberry and starting reading emails, or whatever in the world was so f***ing important that it had to be done at the dinner table. It makes me f***ing crazy, that stupid thing. But you know what I'm really pissed off about? Yesterday (that's two days ago, now) I emailed him at work with a couple of questions. Do you think he's had the time to respond? He's got time to respond to work at the dinner table, but not a spare minute in the work day to answer me.

Today I got a phone message from a friend of mine at JJ's elementary school. All she asked was that I call her back because she had a proposal for me. I know what it is - they have a fifth grade teacher (not JJ's) who is going out on maternity leave in about a week and they don't have a sub for her yet. She is the woman with whom I team-taught 5th grade years ago, when JJ was a baby. She knows me, she knows I'm not working, I know what her proposal is. But I just don't want to do it. I know they're in a panic over there; I want to help. I want to be the kind of person people can turn to in a pinch, but honestly? I don't want to do this. Not even for the money. I committed to the PTA newsletter. I committed to doing Friday Treats. I like my quiet mornings for writing or reading the paper or whatever. I know it would only be until Thanksgiving, probably, but I'm just not interested. I thought about calling you this afternoon when I was sketching out the pros and cons, trying to make a decision. I thought about calling K, too, but was convinced that I needed to make this decision all by myself. In counseling last week (did I already tell you this?) one of the things that J said was that he can't process things out loud, and can't stand to listen to me do it, either. So I sure as hell couldn't call him and talk about it. How f***ed up is that? I can't call my own husband in the middle of the day and say "Hey, I'm struggling with this. What do you think?" Something is really wrong with that.

I'm angry and I'm hurt. I would love to go in there and try to talk about it, to not go to bed angry, but it's no use. It will only make it worse. He will just get defensive, shut down and then we won't talk for days. I'm so tired of this.

I'm also sorry to dump it on you but I guess that's what I have to write about tonight. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll be in better shape and can write over coffee. I do hope things got resolved with W and that you slept well. Two days left...sorry, too, that you're feeling rotten. Hang in there.
Love,
A