Living Vicariously Through My Smart Kid?

Hey there B,

I'm feeling much better today although I did back out of exercising this morning. I slept like a log and found it really difficult to get up today, even though I was asleep by 10:30 last night. Some little bug, I guess.

So, thank you for that note last night. I feel the same way. I was thinking how friends who live close by know little things about each others' lives, like where they grocery shop and what time their kids get home from school. But sometimes, they don't know much about each other. There is a deeper connection with you and me, I think. I wonder if it's not because all that other stuff isn't really important, but it does kind of get in the way of ordinary friendships. Does that make sense? It doesn't get in the way of ours because we're not experiencing all the little stuff together. So it leaves all that room to really discover who we are. Pretty cool.

So I'm reading The Secret, right? It's an easy read. There aren't may words on each page and it's fairly repetitive. But I do have to say, there are some very worthwhile ideas and points to ponder in there. Most of it is, as you guessed, stuff you already know and practice. In fact, at times, I feel like I'm reading your direct quotes. It's all about the universe and what you put out there is what you get back. It's kind of interesting, really, because I focused really intently yesterday on only putting positive thoughts into the universe and only positive things came back to me yesterday. The hard part is shutting out the negative thoughts. But I'm doing pretty well today - feeling good physically (health-wise, yes, but I mean beauty-wise)- not because I lost about 10lbs yesterday being sick, or because I have a particularly cute outfit on, or because I caught myself in a good mirror somewhere - none of these things are true. Instead, I just got dressed in something nice - not my favorite outfit, but whatever - and told myself I looked fantastic. Over and over and over. Then I left without a 30th check in the mirror. Voila! It works. I've felt good all day. I have to keep talking to myself, of course, but I'm working on it.

I know, this is all old stuff, right? You've told me all this before. A million authors of a million self-help books and 20 years of expensive therapy have tried to tell me this. Why one book? It's not, probably. Maybe it just hit me on a good day and I'm having some success trying it for once. Who knows. I just have to keep A) putting positive energy into the universe B) being grateful for all the things I do have and C) act as though I already have everything I want. (If it weren't counter-productive, I'd be self-deprecating here and tell you that I'm probably bi-polar and in a day or two, my high will end. But I'm not going to put that sh*t into the cosmos.)

We have a counseling appointment this afternoon and I'm feeling good about it. This may have something to do with the fact that I've spent the past 36 hours or so putting this out there: I have a happy marriage, I have a loving husband who loves and respects me. I don't feel quite so hateful and bitter, even though, technically, nothing has changed between us. Yet. I'm wondering, though, how do you go to counseling and talk about the sh*t going on if you're not supposed to be releasing negative energy? I'm going to have to work on that one and figure it out before 5:00 or it's going to interrupt my program.

I have a meeting with M's career counselor at school this afternoon to talk about the AP program (M doesn't want to do it, but I'm gently pressing. He has a gift - he's really smart and really capable - I hate to see him waste it because it's not cool.) Now, if he were his brother, that would be another story. I told JJ last night that he had to go to college even if he wanted to be a pro football player and he said "Yeah, I know. Otherwise you don't have a team to play on to get drafted." Wow. Not my academic kid, to say the least. But M is different. He can do this. He could go to any college he wanted to if he would put his mind to it in these next few years. He's just so conflicted - I believe - part of him wants to join the military, part of him wants to go to a voc college and become an auto mechanic, part of him wants to be a DJ, part of him wants to drop out now and get a job at Wendy's, where he's convinced he'll move up to management and eventually make millions running the entire fast food industry. Yes, I know he's only in 10th grade, and I had no ambition then at all, and I guess I turned out ok. But he should be thinking about it, really. I want him to go to a good school and I want him to be able to have choices. I don't care what color his hair is or whether or not he paints his fingernails. I haven't seen him this happy in a long, long time so all of that is immaterial to me. But I do expect him to keep his grades up where I know he can keep them - close to a 4. if he puts in the effort (and for him, that's not much). So, I'm off to see if I can't recruit his advisor to nudge him a little - he's much more likely to do this if his teachers or advisor tell him he can than if I do. At least I get that part.

More later maybe - this is the first night this week that J will be home for dinner so I've planned a little family favorite - homemade chicken yakisoba - and I may end up not coming back to the computer. If not, hope you had a good day and I'll try to write some tomorrow.
Love you,
A