Overindulgence vs. Addiction

Good Saturday afternoon B,

This may not be my most creative moment, but it's a quiet one with no one else in the house for the time being, so it's probably my best bet to blog now. The weather has changed dramatically and instantly from sunny and in the 80's to cool, breezy and rainy in the past two days. I don't mind it so much; it's nice not to be sweating like a farm animal for once, but it does limit the activities available on the weekends (particularly for the kids). We made a little trip to Target this morning, J, JJ and I, while M slept in on his 16th birthday. Picked up a few things and dinked around, went to Starbucks and came home. Now they're out in the rain throwing their new football around and M's in the shower, getting ready for his day - which consists of doing nothing, literally, with no one. We'll take him out for sushi and ice cream tonight, but he really didn't want a party or anything that would draw attention to him. (I'll get back to him in a minute.)

Last night we went to wine club, which we haven't had in awhile. Due to summer plans and the death of B's father in August, we haven't gotten together since May. Our theme last night was "Picnic Reds" and we had some good pours. We did a barbecued chicken potluck which was, as always, delicious. Ate and drank way too much, as always, and I'm paying for it today. That's such a funny group of people - funny odd, not funny ha ha, even though we laugh a great deal. Odd because they are friends with whom we do very little, very infrequently, but have known the longest. There are five couples, all of whom are in their 50's except for me and one other couple who are my age. They're all very religious - Christian - and belong to the same church and bible study group - I always feel like a total heathen when I'm with them, constantly feel like I'm watching my language and demeanor, but mostly, it's not hard to do. We have a lot of fun together, it's just so different from the crass, tasteless, politically incorrect fun we have with T&S and K&R. These people are drinkers - obviously, but much more conservative and, well, just older. Let's just say we don't talk politics. At any rate, we had a good time.

Tonight one of the couples is having an open house to show off their new remodel so we'll stop by there on our way to dinner. My brother and family will be there, so I'll have to talk to them for a bit. Did I tell you I saw them at my nephew's birthday party and I was able to be perfectly civil and drop the whole why-didn't-you-call-me thing? So proud of myself. Still, I just have such little desire to socialize with them. They're so weird.

So M and I managed to work out our differences last night before we went out. He came and apologized to me "Sorry if I pushed you too far." We didn't really have a big conversation about it, but things are much better today. I knew it would turn around, it always does; in the heat of the moment, though, I feel like drinking shots of vodka in the middle of the day.

Speaking of which, I did go back and listen to your addiction message. I was in the middle of what appeared to be Scary-Gangster-Lesbians-Get-In-Free Day at the fair when you called so I couldn't hear you. You know, you're right, I think if we/I were seriously in trouble, we'd be doing the Meg Ryan in When A Man Loves A Woman thing. However, the frequency with which I overdo it sometimes concerns me, in that I start drinking and don't know when enough is enough. I haven't changed much since my days at the Black Rose when enough meant passed out. Sure, on occasion I drink a glass of wine and call it good, and things like wine club don't count because the purpose is to try five or six different pours, so I'm usually looped no matter what. But most of the time, my cut-off signal is when K and I are done with the bottle, or, if we end up opening a second, when she goes home. It wouldn't occur to me to just continue talking or visiting with empty glasses. The other night (and this isn't common, but it's not unusual, either) we started with two gin and tonics each, then drank a bottle and a half of red wine. Just the two of us. And I wonder why I have a headache every day. Hmmm...no, I guess I don't worry that I'm an alcoholic so much. I worry that I use it like food - to numb everything else. In the midst of my argument with M yesterday afternoon, I chose a nap over a drink but only because it was 3:30 in the afternoon and I couldn't do it. To me, drinking in the middle of the day, alone, because I'm upset, would have been opening a door I was afraid I wouldn't be able to close. Thank God napping serves the same purpose and is perfectly legit at 3:30 in the afternoon. (BTW, all that wine and gin accompanied the abandoned pasta salad, which was enjoyed by all - especially M, who polished it all off over the next couple of days. It didn't go to waste!)

You know, this morning I thought I had writing in me today, but I don't know where it went. This book I am reading, the one about emotional eating, is emotionally hard to read and is making me think about stuff I don't want to think about. I'm resistant to embracing the concepts because it means I would have to make major changes not only in my eating but in my way of thinking about my self and my life, changes that seems huge and impossible. Yet I keep reading, and keep hungering to know more; it's a very good book. I had so much to say about it, about what it makes me face in my life, in my head, in my heart, but I can't seem to get to it right at this moment. Maybe later? I think I'll go read some more and maybe that will inspire me. Hope your Saturday is going well.
Love,
A