Hey there,
How are you?
I'm glad it's Friday although I don't have a commitment-free weekend coming up. Tomorrow is J's confirmation, so my day will be spent with extended family--which should be fun, although also a little awkward.
I'm looking forward to an extra hour sleep on Saturday night, but not at all to shorter days. I struggle every year with hibernating (and SAD, I think). I get in a bad habit of getting in the house and not leaving again once I do. If I have errands to run I take care of them on the way home or they don't get taken care of. Once I'm comfy and cozy, I hate to go out again. Honestly, I'm already exhibiting that behavior a bit and we haven't changed the clocks, and it hasn't gotten really cold, yet.
I know part of it is that I don't have a lot of extra money, so it's a tease to be out and about. It was nice to go out with C after our meeting, without prior planning, and without needing a lot of money. I had a coupon for a free appetizer in my purse and knew I could afford a drink, so at some point in the meeting, when the stress level was getting high, I make eye contact with her and made a drinking gesture. She smiled and nodded.
I guess that's what I feel like I haven't been able to do lately--be spontaneous. I have to plan and budget so much that it's just been easier to go home and do my thing. I don't hate it, don't get me wrong--I love cooking and writing and reading...it just becomes unhealthy, I think, at some to spend so much time alone. And I know that pretty soon I'll be even more tempted to be reclusive.
So, Sunday, even after a day with extended family, I'm going to try to get out on an artist's date. I've been showing up at the page and now I need to fill the well. I haven't decided what yet, but I think I may head up north to a quaint town with some antique shops just to poke around. Maybe I'll come home and make a nice dinner for myself. (By the way, my salmon was excellent.)
I wonder what you have going on and wonder if we might be able to catch up on the phone. I hope all is well and that today is better than yesterday.
Love, Barb
PS Do you have The Artist's Way?...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Passing Words
Our blogs passed in cyberspace, A. I know now, after checking the blog again, that you are not having a good day and I am sorry. I promise to write more tomorrow or to pick up the phone and call you.
Love you, Barb
Love you, Barb
The World is Calling
Indeed the PNW is calling, as is San Diego, and Napa, and Paris, and Florence...
I had ambitious plans to write here and elsewhere tonight but now that I am home after a faculty meeting, a union meeting, and an impromptu 1/2 price appetizer and glass of wine at TGI Friday's I just want to get comfy on the couch with my fleece blanket and another glass of wine.
I'm going to have to ask for a pass tonight, I guess, but the list of things I need to write about is firmly printed in my tired head.
Hope you're having a good day.
Love, Barb
I had ambitious plans to write here and elsewhere tonight but now that I am home after a faculty meeting, a union meeting, and an impromptu 1/2 price appetizer and glass of wine at TGI Friday's I just want to get comfy on the couch with my fleece blanket and another glass of wine.
I'm going to have to ask for a pass tonight, I guess, but the list of things I need to write about is firmly printed in my tired head.
Hope you're having a good day.
Love, Barb
Sometime
Hi, Barb,
Well, it's almost 3:00 and I have officially done nothing most of the day. I took the kids to the book fair this morning, including AG, Kim's daughter, because Kim had an early meeting. She brought $15 that Kim had given her, but when we got there, there was only one book she wanted, and it was $20. I kept telling her that she needed to find something in her price range (even though, of course, I just wanted to buy it for her right off the bat). She would wander around, look at other things, then come back to that table. She'd stand there, running her hand over the cover, longingly, then go looking again. It was killing me. Finally, I gave in and made up the difference. I couldn't stand it; it was a book for Pete's sake! As I was leaving her at her classroom door, she turned around with that book hugged closely to her chest, then so sincerely and so deliberately, she said "Thank you so much, Amanda." How easy it was to make a little kid's day, and how delighted I was that it was a book that did it!
I met K at the gym and was glad I did. I am having problems sleeping still and almost backed out on her in favor of going back to bed. But the cardio was good. I came home, did nothing for an hour, took a shower, then a nap. I woke up in time to get M's call from school that he "missed the bus", which I won't even pretend is true, but I didn't throw a fit. Conveniently, I guess all his friends had missed their buses too, because they all appeared to still be at school with him, which worked out well since he thought he'd just hang out there for awhile, if that was ok with me.
What a little s**t. I mean, honestly, I don't really care if he hangs out after school. It's not like it's a rough neighborhood. Of course, I know they go down to the river and do whatever it is teenagers do, down by the river, after school. But just ask me. Don't make up some b.s. lie. I am pretty sure he was stoned out of his mind last night when he came home from S' so it's time for another UA. This time I'm going to give him the one for all different kinds of drugs, not just pot. I think he might be doing Ecstasy. Who the f knows what's going on with him. I plan to write more about this so I'll stop with that.
I sat down to vent, I guess, about something else altogether. I know I have mentioned lately how J and I don't talk to each other. I try to be fair and honest when I say that, because I understand that most couples aren't talking to each other all the time. But the lack of communication between the two of us is extraordinary, I think. Yesterday, he came home from his trip at about 2:00 in the afternoon. We talked for about five (5) (FIVE) minutes about his trip and my day, then he sat down at the table with his lunch and the newspaper. I went about my stuff, folding laundry or whatever. He wasn't being rude or anything, but I thought, you know, he'd been gone a couple of days, maybe we'd catch up a little. I tried to start a conversation about I don't remember what, and when I got no response, I said,
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." he said.
"Are you just tired?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm just not as talkative as you are."
Talkative? Huh??? Good Lord! I'm not kidding, B. Then I had to go get JJ for a doctor's appt and he wanted to come with me. Why??? I don't even understand. So he drives and I sit there and we don't talk all the way there. I'm so relieved when KB calls my cell phone and I can break the silence. We get to school but he doesn't bother to get out of the car. I go and wait for JJ at the gate by myself. Fortunately for me, JJ is "talkative" too, so we chatted all the way to the doctor. We ran a couple of errands after that, but I am absolutely serious when I say that if JJ hadn't been there, we probably wouldn't have spoken a single word to each other the entire hour. I made dinner when we got home and the three of us ate, each of us chatting a little with JJ. Then he went to T's for a drink.
I couldn't wait for him to leave. It's like there's something suspended in the air that makes it hard to breathe. I'm afraid to open my mouth because I either a) won't get a response or b)will get a response that hurts my feelings (in that it's short and dismissive). There's all kinds of stuff running through my head to chat about; I literally have to consciously not talk. OK, so I'm a Chatty Cathy and I truly don't need to talk as much as I do. I get that. I know that I could use a good dose of shut-my-mouth once in awhile. But really. What is up with this??? The thing that kills me is that when he comes home at 9:45, or whenever, he's ready for bed, and intimacy. Intimacy. Isn't that interesting? I recognize that this is a guy thing. Guys don't need to chat and catch up and feel validated before they have sex. But this is just a bit over the top. It seems like it's gotten much worse over the past couple of years; I can't imagine I haven't noticed this before.
Tonight he has a big meeting with the commissioners about the fire chief position. I haven't really been keeping you up to date on what's going on with that, but it's extremely stressful and frustrating. I know he's tied up in his head about it 24/7 (and trying not to be). Tonight, they may make a decision. When he got up this morning, he was dressed and out of here in such a hurry he hardly said goodbye. I didn't even really have time to say "good luck". When he came downstairs, I started to ask him a question about voting, to mention that these two guys running for sheriff sound like crackpots -you know, have a conversation - but he couldn't even stand still enough to listen. In mid-sentence, I just waved my hand and said, sarcastically, "Never mind. Bye." (Because sarcasm always helps.) So he stops, for two seconds, and looks mildly apologetic as he grabs his stuff and says "I'm late. Sorry. Bye."
Late. He's the f**ing head of the department. What exactly is it he's late for? Maybe he had a meeting. But you know what? There's a better way to handle that. That's all I'm saying.
It's just so much easier when he's not here and I don't have to try not to talk. JJ and I blabber away at each other all the time (or he blabbers away to himself, quite frequently). J doesn't talk much to the kids, but he talks to his friends all the time. Jesus, he and R can go on for hours. He and T talk up a storm. He'll even chat with K and S or anyone else...just not me. Tell me that's not a self-esteem blow. Obviously, I'm not very interesting.
A couple of weeks ago, at some dinner, Kim's husband was raving about my blog. He was telling T and J, and whomever else was listening, that I'm a good writer and he enjoys reading my stuff. Later in the evening, after everyone was gone, I said I was going to write for a bit.
"Yeah," he says, "J says he reads your blog every day. He says it's really good."
It is, I want to say, but you wouldn't know. "I guess," I say instead.
"I'll have to go on there and read it sometime." he says, like he's doing me a f***ing favor.
Sometime. Sometime, when I'm not totally consumed with my own life, my own work, my own world. Sometime, when it occurs to me that you might have gifts and talents too. Sometime, when you matter.
I thought, for a minute, to apologize here, to laugh at myself like I did about the pumpkin carving. But honestly, I don't feel like being sorry for feeling this way. I understand that feeling important and valid comes from within; I'm getting there. It sure would be easier without this s**t, though.
Thanks for listening...
Well, it's almost 3:00 and I have officially done nothing most of the day. I took the kids to the book fair this morning, including AG, Kim's daughter, because Kim had an early meeting. She brought $15 that Kim had given her, but when we got there, there was only one book she wanted, and it was $20. I kept telling her that she needed to find something in her price range (even though, of course, I just wanted to buy it for her right off the bat). She would wander around, look at other things, then come back to that table. She'd stand there, running her hand over the cover, longingly, then go looking again. It was killing me. Finally, I gave in and made up the difference. I couldn't stand it; it was a book for Pete's sake! As I was leaving her at her classroom door, she turned around with that book hugged closely to her chest, then so sincerely and so deliberately, she said "Thank you so much, Amanda." How easy it was to make a little kid's day, and how delighted I was that it was a book that did it!
I met K at the gym and was glad I did. I am having problems sleeping still and almost backed out on her in favor of going back to bed. But the cardio was good. I came home, did nothing for an hour, took a shower, then a nap. I woke up in time to get M's call from school that he "missed the bus", which I won't even pretend is true, but I didn't throw a fit. Conveniently, I guess all his friends had missed their buses too, because they all appeared to still be at school with him, which worked out well since he thought he'd just hang out there for awhile, if that was ok with me.
What a little s**t. I mean, honestly, I don't really care if he hangs out after school. It's not like it's a rough neighborhood. Of course, I know they go down to the river and do whatever it is teenagers do, down by the river, after school. But just ask me. Don't make up some b.s. lie. I am pretty sure he was stoned out of his mind last night when he came home from S' so it's time for another UA. This time I'm going to give him the one for all different kinds of drugs, not just pot. I think he might be doing Ecstasy. Who the f knows what's going on with him. I plan to write more about this so I'll stop with that.
I sat down to vent, I guess, about something else altogether. I know I have mentioned lately how J and I don't talk to each other. I try to be fair and honest when I say that, because I understand that most couples aren't talking to each other all the time. But the lack of communication between the two of us is extraordinary, I think. Yesterday, he came home from his trip at about 2:00 in the afternoon. We talked for about five (5) (FIVE) minutes about his trip and my day, then he sat down at the table with his lunch and the newspaper. I went about my stuff, folding laundry or whatever. He wasn't being rude or anything, but I thought, you know, he'd been gone a couple of days, maybe we'd catch up a little. I tried to start a conversation about I don't remember what, and when I got no response, I said,
"Everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." he said.
"Are you just tired?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm just not as talkative as you are."
Talkative? Huh??? Good Lord! I'm not kidding, B. Then I had to go get JJ for a doctor's appt and he wanted to come with me. Why??? I don't even understand. So he drives and I sit there and we don't talk all the way there. I'm so relieved when KB calls my cell phone and I can break the silence. We get to school but he doesn't bother to get out of the car. I go and wait for JJ at the gate by myself. Fortunately for me, JJ is "talkative" too, so we chatted all the way to the doctor. We ran a couple of errands after that, but I am absolutely serious when I say that if JJ hadn't been there, we probably wouldn't have spoken a single word to each other the entire hour. I made dinner when we got home and the three of us ate, each of us chatting a little with JJ. Then he went to T's for a drink.
I couldn't wait for him to leave. It's like there's something suspended in the air that makes it hard to breathe. I'm afraid to open my mouth because I either a) won't get a response or b)will get a response that hurts my feelings (in that it's short and dismissive). There's all kinds of stuff running through my head to chat about; I literally have to consciously not talk. OK, so I'm a Chatty Cathy and I truly don't need to talk as much as I do. I get that. I know that I could use a good dose of shut-my-mouth once in awhile. But really. What is up with this??? The thing that kills me is that when he comes home at 9:45, or whenever, he's ready for bed, and intimacy. Intimacy. Isn't that interesting? I recognize that this is a guy thing. Guys don't need to chat and catch up and feel validated before they have sex. But this is just a bit over the top. It seems like it's gotten much worse over the past couple of years; I can't imagine I haven't noticed this before.
Tonight he has a big meeting with the commissioners about the fire chief position. I haven't really been keeping you up to date on what's going on with that, but it's extremely stressful and frustrating. I know he's tied up in his head about it 24/7 (and trying not to be). Tonight, they may make a decision. When he got up this morning, he was dressed and out of here in such a hurry he hardly said goodbye. I didn't even really have time to say "good luck". When he came downstairs, I started to ask him a question about voting, to mention that these two guys running for sheriff sound like crackpots -you know, have a conversation - but he couldn't even stand still enough to listen. In mid-sentence, I just waved my hand and said, sarcastically, "Never mind. Bye." (Because sarcasm always helps.) So he stops, for two seconds, and looks mildly apologetic as he grabs his stuff and says "I'm late. Sorry. Bye."
Late. He's the f**ing head of the department. What exactly is it he's late for? Maybe he had a meeting. But you know what? There's a better way to handle that. That's all I'm saying.
It's just so much easier when he's not here and I don't have to try not to talk. JJ and I blabber away at each other all the time (or he blabbers away to himself, quite frequently). J doesn't talk much to the kids, but he talks to his friends all the time. Jesus, he and R can go on for hours. He and T talk up a storm. He'll even chat with K and S or anyone else...just not me. Tell me that's not a self-esteem blow. Obviously, I'm not very interesting.
A couple of weeks ago, at some dinner, Kim's husband was raving about my blog. He was telling T and J, and whomever else was listening, that I'm a good writer and he enjoys reading my stuff. Later in the evening, after everyone was gone, I said I was going to write for a bit.
"Yeah," he says, "J says he reads your blog every day. He says it's really good."
It is, I want to say, but you wouldn't know. "I guess," I say instead.
"I'll have to go on there and read it sometime." he says, like he's doing me a f***ing favor.
Sometime. Sometime, when I'm not totally consumed with my own life, my own work, my own world. Sometime, when it occurs to me that you might have gifts and talents too. Sometime, when you matter.
I thought, for a minute, to apologize here, to laugh at myself like I did about the pumpkin carving. But honestly, I don't feel like being sorry for feeling this way. I understand that feeling important and valid comes from within; I'm getting there. It sure would be easier without this s**t, though.
Thanks for listening...
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The PNW is Calling to You
Oh, I wish I could have dinner with you! I'm kind of a new salmon lover. I used to never like it, then a few years ago, a friend cooked some on the grill on a camping trip...hello! Ever since then, I'm all about salmon. Next time you come to visit, you should come during Copper River Salmon season (about three weeks in June) - honestly, I've never had better fish. We grilled it this summer when J's family was visiting and they thought they'd died and gone to heaven.
Our evening meal is not quite as impressive. Imagine. JJ had a bowl of soup and J had a PB&J before they headed out to football. M's not home yet; I had some leftover flank steak. And to answer your question about how I'm doing with the emotional eating, let's just say I ate that steak with my fingers sitting right here at the computer. So I guess I'd have to say I'm not doing very well. At least not with the "treating myself like a guest" part. As I mentioned a few days ago, my weight has stabilized, but I'm not losing. Of course, I'm not trying, at all. I eat whatever I want, whenever I'm hungry (I do try to pay close attention to that and I'm doing much better). I tend not to have late afternoon binges on chips and dips (standing at the kitchen counter) much anymore. I have gone to the gym twice this week, but I'm so unbelievably inconsistent, it does about as much good as if I didn't go at all. I definitely feel better on days when I go, but not like my pants fit better or anything.
The one difference I have really noticed from all this reading is actually a very positive one, even if weight loss isn't involved: I have dramatically cut back on the negative self-talk. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and spent five minutes telling myself how fat and ugly I am. I don't like the way I look, or feel. I still hate getting dressed and I hate being naked. But I'm not berating my body the way I used to. I try to be nice to it; I try to say positive things to myself when I'm feeling particularly huge. That's a big change for me; if I'm not dropping pounds that is at least worth a lot in itself.
My new super crazy meds may be helping with that. I have to say, Prozac rocks. No wonder everyone loves it. It has only been two weeks and I am already feeling significant effects; supposedly it doesn't even hit its full effectiveness until four weeks or more, and I'm not even at my full dosage yet. So I'm quite hopeful that this is going to be the ticket, at least for now. I notice that I am far less irritable (ok, except for the pumpkin carving thing) and I worry much less about M. This, I know, is in part due to meditating and breathing and taking Ambien when I need to so I'm not sleep deprived. (God, I'm a freakin' drug addict.) Also, I have tried really, really hard to keep things in perspective with him. Like I said the other day, he's not in jail. I still don't like it that he doesn't want to be/come home; I don't like that his grades are lower than that of which he is capable or that I think he's taking drugs. But I have to keep a clear picture; he's still in school . He hasn't skipped a single day this year. He doesn't have any more missing assignments. He sometimes talks to me. He's pretty nice to JJ. I mean, maybe I just expect more than I'm going to get from him.
Anyway, my time alone in a quiet house is dwindling away so I'm going to write elsewhere for a bit. I hope your dinner was as good as it sounded. And maybe the salmon reference, coupled with you looking for that Powell's postcard, is a sign...time to visit the PNW?
Love, A
Our evening meal is not quite as impressive. Imagine. JJ had a bowl of soup and J had a PB&J before they headed out to football. M's not home yet; I had some leftover flank steak. And to answer your question about how I'm doing with the emotional eating, let's just say I ate that steak with my fingers sitting right here at the computer. So I guess I'd have to say I'm not doing very well. At least not with the "treating myself like a guest" part. As I mentioned a few days ago, my weight has stabilized, but I'm not losing. Of course, I'm not trying, at all. I eat whatever I want, whenever I'm hungry (I do try to pay close attention to that and I'm doing much better). I tend not to have late afternoon binges on chips and dips (standing at the kitchen counter) much anymore. I have gone to the gym twice this week, but I'm so unbelievably inconsistent, it does about as much good as if I didn't go at all. I definitely feel better on days when I go, but not like my pants fit better or anything.
The one difference I have really noticed from all this reading is actually a very positive one, even if weight loss isn't involved: I have dramatically cut back on the negative self-talk. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and spent five minutes telling myself how fat and ugly I am. I don't like the way I look, or feel. I still hate getting dressed and I hate being naked. But I'm not berating my body the way I used to. I try to be nice to it; I try to say positive things to myself when I'm feeling particularly huge. That's a big change for me; if I'm not dropping pounds that is at least worth a lot in itself.
My new super crazy meds may be helping with that. I have to say, Prozac rocks. No wonder everyone loves it. It has only been two weeks and I am already feeling significant effects; supposedly it doesn't even hit its full effectiveness until four weeks or more, and I'm not even at my full dosage yet. So I'm quite hopeful that this is going to be the ticket, at least for now. I notice that I am far less irritable (ok, except for the pumpkin carving thing) and I worry much less about M. This, I know, is in part due to meditating and breathing and taking Ambien when I need to so I'm not sleep deprived. (God, I'm a freakin' drug addict.) Also, I have tried really, really hard to keep things in perspective with him. Like I said the other day, he's not in jail. I still don't like it that he doesn't want to be/come home; I don't like that his grades are lower than that of which he is capable or that I think he's taking drugs. But I have to keep a clear picture; he's still in school . He hasn't skipped a single day this year. He doesn't have any more missing assignments. He sometimes talks to me. He's pretty nice to JJ. I mean, maybe I just expect more than I'm going to get from him.
Anyway, my time alone in a quiet house is dwindling away so I'm going to write elsewhere for a bit. I hope your dinner was as good as it sounded. And maybe the salmon reference, coupled with you looking for that Powell's postcard, is a sign...time to visit the PNW?
Love, A
Pesto and Politics
Hey, A,
I'm glad you enjoy life at BLU....I don't remember you being so close to neighbors back when I was there last, but I recall meeting S, with whom you were just becoming friends, and hearing about Kim. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy it. It certainly sounds like something special--and I bet it keeps you on your housekeeping toes!
Going back to school today wasn't bad. Sometimes, as you must know, it doesn't pay to stay out and it's a nightmare to go back. Fortunately, two classes I would have met with yesterday had assemblies to attend, so I didn't need to leave plans for them and didn't come back to piles of papers. Actually, I only missed one class so today was not a day of catch-up.
I'm home with some papers to correct but not sure I'll get around to them. On my way home from school, during a phone call with C, who talked of the steaks she had taken out of the freezer to thaw, I realized I hadn't taken anything out but was in the mood to cook. In fact, I am in the mood for the salmon I forgot to take out...It's a small piece, so I'm hoping it will thaw by the time I want to cook; it's on the counter thawing now. That was dilemma number 1. The second is that I don't have spinach, which I love with salmon and a little pasta (garlic, capers, olive oil)... I do have haricot verts and always have homemade pesto in the freezer, so the pesto is thawing too. Maybe I'll do the salmon and pasta with pesto. With or without beans. I'll decide later.
So that will be dinner. A special dinner for me before tuning into Barack--the only other thing on tonight's agenda--for that half-hour program. I'm so excited, yet a touch nervous. I hope people who are on the fence won't find this arrogant or overkill, you know? Rather, I hope that those people will walk away saying, yes, this is who we need to elect next week. I won't be able to sleep that night, and I won't know what to do with myself for 4 hours every night after it's over...
Went on Powells.com earlier today and got a little nostalgic about my visits to your corner of the world. I also remembered that I lost track of a Powell's postcard (arty post card size print of a painting of Powells; I think it was actually free at the counter) that I had put aside to frame. I looked for it when I moved here last year and was ready to put it up but couldn't find it....Very sad. Guess I have to come back and visit.
Enjoy your welcome back to J. Hope to hear from you later or tomorrow.
Love you, Barb
I'm glad you enjoy life at BLU....I don't remember you being so close to neighbors back when I was there last, but I recall meeting S, with whom you were just becoming friends, and hearing about Kim. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoy it. It certainly sounds like something special--and I bet it keeps you on your housekeeping toes!
Going back to school today wasn't bad. Sometimes, as you must know, it doesn't pay to stay out and it's a nightmare to go back. Fortunately, two classes I would have met with yesterday had assemblies to attend, so I didn't need to leave plans for them and didn't come back to piles of papers. Actually, I only missed one class so today was not a day of catch-up.
I'm home with some papers to correct but not sure I'll get around to them. On my way home from school, during a phone call with C, who talked of the steaks she had taken out of the freezer to thaw, I realized I hadn't taken anything out but was in the mood to cook. In fact, I am in the mood for the salmon I forgot to take out...It's a small piece, so I'm hoping it will thaw by the time I want to cook; it's on the counter thawing now. That was dilemma number 1. The second is that I don't have spinach, which I love with salmon and a little pasta (garlic, capers, olive oil)... I do have haricot verts and always have homemade pesto in the freezer, so the pesto is thawing too. Maybe I'll do the salmon and pasta with pesto. With or without beans. I'll decide later.
So that will be dinner. A special dinner for me before tuning into Barack--the only other thing on tonight's agenda--for that half-hour program. I'm so excited, yet a touch nervous. I hope people who are on the fence won't find this arrogant or overkill, you know? Rather, I hope that those people will walk away saying, yes, this is who we need to elect next week. I won't be able to sleep that night, and I won't know what to do with myself for 4 hours every night after it's over...
Went on Powells.com earlier today and got a little nostalgic about my visits to your corner of the world. I also remembered that I lost track of a Powell's postcard (arty post card size print of a painting of Powells; I think it was actually free at the counter) that I had put aside to frame. I looked for it when I moved here last year and was ready to put it up but couldn't find it....Very sad. Guess I have to come back and visit.
Enjoy your welcome back to J. Hope to hear from you later or tomorrow.
Love you, Barb
Thanksgiving
Good morning,
It's funny that you should mention the BLU concept. Last weekend, K had a friend visiting form Chicago who spent Saturday night with us, watching baseball and hanging out. When they left, K told me, she said "It's like Thanksgiving." I took that as such an endearing compliment.
I'm not really sure how it got this way, and I'm not convinced it was all due to the kids, either. Our whole neighborhood, within this two block radius, is very close, as neighbors. We're very protective of our community, very much of a village in that sense. Not all of us socialize regularly, but always take time for a long chat on the driveway or at a holiday party. Every one of us knows we could call anyone on this block for help in an emergency, whether that's a hurt kid or not enough chairs for a poker party.
On our corner, as it is in other little patches of the block, it's even closer. T&S have become so much like family for us that sometimes I forget they actually aren't. If C weren't old enough to be our boys' guardian, we would have asked them, not my own brother. K&R only came into the picture a few years ago and J has become very close with R - they think alike, they work alike, they have very similar jobs, they're both complete workaholics. T balances them out, I think, with his half-truck-driver-half-stay-home-dad career. The thing is, the six of us just get along. All the time. There aren't any pretensions or expectations. None of us come from particularly functional families so I think that has a lot to do with it. We've created our own version of one that works for us.
T and I both are hyper-social and love to just have everyone together, whenever, for any reason or none; K loves to cook - anything, any time; J and R are happy to show up and be waited on. :) Sometimes I think S tires of it all; she's much more reserved, less of a party person. Sometimes we have to back off and give her hibernation space.
It probably sounds weird to some. Like a commune. And we do laugh at ourselves, although I think we feel fortunate. Many people tell us we're lucky to raise our kids this way (with that I can't argue). I feel lucky to have eight or ten or however many people around my dinner table as often as I do, when all the years I was growing up, all I wanted was a large family.
I'm sort of laughing as I write, thinking of much fodder for crazy this morning. My living room right now, at 9:10 in the morning, is loud with Playstation and yelling and arguing and laughter, because it's late start Wednesday, and why don't we all hang out at A's until the bus comes? What would JJ do without us all?
Love my life,
A
It's funny that you should mention the BLU concept. Last weekend, K had a friend visiting form Chicago who spent Saturday night with us, watching baseball and hanging out. When they left, K told me, she said "It's like Thanksgiving." I took that as such an endearing compliment.
I'm not really sure how it got this way, and I'm not convinced it was all due to the kids, either. Our whole neighborhood, within this two block radius, is very close, as neighbors. We're very protective of our community, very much of a village in that sense. Not all of us socialize regularly, but always take time for a long chat on the driveway or at a holiday party. Every one of us knows we could call anyone on this block for help in an emergency, whether that's a hurt kid or not enough chairs for a poker party.
On our corner, as it is in other little patches of the block, it's even closer. T&S have become so much like family for us that sometimes I forget they actually aren't. If C weren't old enough to be our boys' guardian, we would have asked them, not my own brother. K&R only came into the picture a few years ago and J has become very close with R - they think alike, they work alike, they have very similar jobs, they're both complete workaholics. T balances them out, I think, with his half-truck-driver-half-stay-home-dad career. The thing is, the six of us just get along. All the time. There aren't any pretensions or expectations. None of us come from particularly functional families so I think that has a lot to do with it. We've created our own version of one that works for us.
T and I both are hyper-social and love to just have everyone together, whenever, for any reason or none; K loves to cook - anything, any time; J and R are happy to show up and be waited on. :) Sometimes I think S tires of it all; she's much more reserved, less of a party person. Sometimes we have to back off and give her hibernation space.
It probably sounds weird to some. Like a commune. And we do laugh at ourselves, although I think we feel fortunate. Many people tell us we're lucky to raise our kids this way (with that I can't argue). I feel lucky to have eight or ten or however many people around my dinner table as often as I do, when all the years I was growing up, all I wanted was a large family.
I'm sort of laughing as I write, thinking of much fodder for crazy this morning. My living room right now, at 9:10 in the morning, is loud with Playstation and yelling and arguing and laughter, because it's late start Wednesday, and why don't we all hang out at A's until the bus comes? What would JJ do without us all?
Love my life,
A
BLU
Hey, A,
How was dinner?
I must say that your neighborhood is intriguing to me. You all seem to spend a lot of time together, share meals a lot, pop in on each other...Sometimes it sounds like a college campus, where there's really no privacy--just one, big happy community. Other times, I feel like I'm reading about a fictional neighborhood or watching a TV show. It sounds more like back in the day, but even then--when the village did raise the child--parents kept to themselves. Or at least that was my experience growing up. Nowadays, L lives in a neighborhood where the kids are close in age, and as a result they do socialize--but not nearly as much as you. M and her kids don't have any interaction with their neighbors, but that's another story entirely. Anyway. I've been meaning to mention that. Interesting indeed.
It snowed last night in a portion of CT and a good chunk of the Northeast. Incredible. I wonder if that says anything about the winter that's in store. Today it just looks and feels like a brisk fall day.
I don't have anything tonight so I'll write some more later. Just wanted to respond to your post last night and wish you a happy day today.
Love, B
How was dinner?
I must say that your neighborhood is intriguing to me. You all seem to spend a lot of time together, share meals a lot, pop in on each other...Sometimes it sounds like a college campus, where there's really no privacy--just one, big happy community. Other times, I feel like I'm reading about a fictional neighborhood or watching a TV show. It sounds more like back in the day, but even then--when the village did raise the child--parents kept to themselves. Or at least that was my experience growing up. Nowadays, L lives in a neighborhood where the kids are close in age, and as a result they do socialize--but not nearly as much as you. M and her kids don't have any interaction with their neighbors, but that's another story entirely. Anyway. I've been meaning to mention that. Interesting indeed.
It snowed last night in a portion of CT and a good chunk of the Northeast. Incredible. I wonder if that says anything about the winter that's in store. Today it just looks and feels like a brisk fall day.
I don't have anything tonight so I'll write some more later. Just wanted to respond to your post last night and wish you a happy day today.
Love, B
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
B-day Dinner
Hey you,Ah....fall sports! We were planning to hunker down for the continuation of last night's WS rainout, only to find out it's rained out again. No real loss - none of us are big fans of either team (in fact, I change teams daily, depending on whose pitcher I like better, or whose catcher is cuter); we just like baseball. Besides, it's T's birthday and K and I felt like cooking. I'm glad W has a chance to get out and do something I know he truly enjoys tonight...should be fun for him.
K just walked in the door. We're doing flank steak, roasted potatoes and salad for dinner. I made cupcakes and opened a bottle of my new favorite red, Tuscany. I just wanted to drop you a quick note since I didn't write all day. I got my nails and toes done today, did a little lounging around in front of morning tv and...yeah, that's it! Hope you have a good night "off" (I am enjoying my time too!)
Love,A
Jinx
Hey, A,
I took the day off today to have my car registered. That is, I needed to renew my registration in person because the current registration expired today. I considered taking only half a day, but since we start at 7, I'd need to be in by 10, and I wasn't sure how that would work out. The DMV is closed on Mondays and typically very busy on Tuesdays, so I thought it best to take the whole day off. Because I also had to get blood work done for an appointment next week, I figured I could fill in the extra time. Indeed. Especially since I got a migraine at the lab.
I'm sure it was a combination of stress relief, the bright lights in the lab, and the weather. After a stretch of high pressure weather I was due for a migraine with the drop in barometric pressure. (It's been raining all day.) Throw in the mix that I was taking a sick day off from school, I was bound to bring one on. Oh well. At least when I go back to school tomorrow, I can be on my game, no longer distracted by my car registration hanging over my head.
W is on his way to the season opener of the Celtics, at which they will be hanging the Championship banner from last season. It's an exciting game and he'll see lots of high profile people, so he's in a good mood...which, as you know is rare these days. I'm happy for him. Any distraction is good for him at this point while he waits for something to come through. And honestly, it's good for me too to get a night off from him--good mood or bad, especially since I'm not 100 percent.
Speaking of time off, I wonder how you are enjoying these few days with J away. Have you done anything special --besides not walk around on eggshells? ha ha... Hope to hear from you later today.
Love, Barb
I took the day off today to have my car registered. That is, I needed to renew my registration in person because the current registration expired today. I considered taking only half a day, but since we start at 7, I'd need to be in by 10, and I wasn't sure how that would work out. The DMV is closed on Mondays and typically very busy on Tuesdays, so I thought it best to take the whole day off. Because I also had to get blood work done for an appointment next week, I figured I could fill in the extra time. Indeed. Especially since I got a migraine at the lab.
I'm sure it was a combination of stress relief, the bright lights in the lab, and the weather. After a stretch of high pressure weather I was due for a migraine with the drop in barometric pressure. (It's been raining all day.) Throw in the mix that I was taking a sick day off from school, I was bound to bring one on. Oh well. At least when I go back to school tomorrow, I can be on my game, no longer distracted by my car registration hanging over my head.
W is on his way to the season opener of the Celtics, at which they will be hanging the Championship banner from last season. It's an exciting game and he'll see lots of high profile people, so he's in a good mood...which, as you know is rare these days. I'm happy for him. Any distraction is good for him at this point while he waits for something to come through. And honestly, it's good for me too to get a night off from him--good mood or bad, especially since I'm not 100 percent.
Speaking of time off, I wonder how you are enjoying these few days with J away. Have you done anything special --besides not walk around on eggshells? ha ha... Hope to hear from you later today.
Love, Barb
Monday, October 27, 2008
Quick Fixes
Hey, Amanda,
Just got back from trying out a new restaurant with C-- on a school night! We had a good dinner, and good service, and we'd both put it on our list of places to go again.
Speaking of...School was good today...I have a lot going on the next couple of weeks with doctor appointments and what not, but can't afford not to be on my game at school because it's the end of quarter 1 and grades--which I can't figure out until I catch up with correcting--will be due soon. Anyway, over all I think I'm having a good year, despite my challenging classes. I mention that because I don't think I've talked much about school lately, which I suppose is a good thing; it means I don't come home needing to vent ad nauseum about it.
I need my politics fix before I go to bed, so I'll write more tomorrow. Hope you had a good day.
Love, Barb
Just got back from trying out a new restaurant with C-- on a school night! We had a good dinner, and good service, and we'd both put it on our list of places to go again.
Speaking of...School was good today...I have a lot going on the next couple of weeks with doctor appointments and what not, but can't afford not to be on my game at school because it's the end of quarter 1 and grades--which I can't figure out until I catch up with correcting--will be due soon. Anyway, over all I think I'm having a good year, despite my challenging classes. I mention that because I don't think I've talked much about school lately, which I suppose is a good thing; it means I don't come home needing to vent ad nauseum about it.
I need my politics fix before I go to bed, so I'll write more tomorrow. Hope you had a good day.
Love, Barb
Lucky
Dear Barb,Thanks so much for the call last night. It was great to hear your voice and catch up on little stuff. I thought a lot about what you said about my last post. By the time I was done writing it, I was laughing at myself, but on the inside, I really was hurt. Why? Who the f knows. Probably so much underlying stuff that I can hardly see the day to day things clearly. Even in all this soul searching I've been doing, it's still hard to let go of the garbage and shine a positive light on everything.
How about the fact that he went to the pumpkin patch and costume shopping with us the day before? How about the fact that he got JJ the football helmet he's been absolutely dying for (since last Halloween), and then he let him wear it while they played catch? What about taking C to the benefit dinner? And letting M drive the pickup when he hardly gets to drive it himself? What about all the great things he does as a father that just seem to fly out the window the minute I don't get my way?
Having a husband who doesn't want to carve pumpkins is normal. I need to chill out. I need to expect less and be grateful for more; I need to stop seeking perfection and the white picket fence family and allow this life I do have to blossom in its own unique greatness.
M is not in jail, even if he's not always making good choices.
C has an awesome job, even if her social life is a little lacking.
JJ is kind, even if he can't shut his mouth.
And J is loving and honest and loyal, even if he doesn't like to carve pumpkins.
I'm lucky.
Love, A
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Pity Party
Dear Barb,Check out the cake JJ won at the cake walk last night! How cool is that? I must say, though, as cool as it looked, it tasted atrocious and we ended up throwing it in the garbage. It could have been on Ace of Cakes, though; I was totally impressed with whatever mom whipped that baby up for the fall festival.
The festival was ok - they tried a different theme this year and I personally didn't think it was all that successful, but who am I to judge? I'm such a rookie PTA mom. The kids had a good time, anyway, and JJ was pretty psyched to have won something. We ended up leaving much earlier than planned since there wasn't much to offer there; besides, the WS game we thought was rained out actually wasn't, so T was in a hurry to get home and park his butt in front of the Phillies. We ordered a pizza and K came over - R is still in Australia - with a friend visiting from Chicago.
I decided not to drink last night. S was more than delighted to make me a cup of tea (she's a serious tea afficionado) even though she knows tea's not my thing. It just sounded good. Indeed, it was; it was a coconut tea that, with a cube of raw sugar, was exactly what I wanted. I wasn't trying to make a statement, or see if I could do it; alcohol just really wasn't appealing at all. I was afraid I'd get a headache or not be able to sleep. Plus, I think I must be carrying around at least 10 lbs of bloat weight from all the booze I drink. By the time the game was over though, I was exhausted; I could have fallen asleep on my feet.
Today didn't quite go as I had planned. I think I may have made the mistake of assuming certain things were going to happen that no one else had voted on. Last night, J had made some comment about not wanting to carve pumpkins today and C and I both told him not to be stupid, of course he was going to carve pumpkins, it's a family thing. Well, this morning I asked him if he had meant that, that he wasn't going to carve pumpkins. "I dunno," he says, "I don't know if I will or not." Because it's boring? Messy? Stupid? Not something you enjoy doing? You couldn't just do it for the family, could you?
But I don't say that. I have learned not to say that because ultimately, I hate feeling like I'm begging him to do things he doesn't want to do, whether it's for the kids or the family, or me, or whomever. He went out to mow the lawn and I wrote for bit, then C packed up her things (and her uncarved pumpkins) and went home. I decorated the front porch and JJ took his pumpkin next door to carve it with the neighbors. M, although actually in the house (which is rare) wouldn't be interested in carving a pumpkin any more than he would be in having his left arm removed.
If I could feel any sorrier for myself, believe me, I would. Could I have carved with C and JJ this afternoon? Probably. No one appeared to be all that interested in it (C said she was going to do it with friends at home) and JJ got the invite to go next door....so.....why should I try so hard? I think I just thought in my head that everyone was into it, and that it would be a cool thing to do as a family, but ...well, this is how it usually goes with "family stuff" around here. I should know better.
If I had money, I think I'd duck out and go see a movie, but like you, I'm flat broke. So I'll probably write a little more, maybe read some, plan for my three day hiatus from J as he's going out of town tomorrow until Wednesday. It's always nice when feeling alone and living alone are in sync for a bit.
OMG would you listen to me!! I'm laughing out loud at myself, just so you know. I better stop before I drown.
Love you,
A
Change of Plans
The rain is long gone. It was nice to fall asleep to the sound of it on my skylight, but nicer to wake up to a bright and sunny sky. I'm watching the game, but looking forward to heading back outside after it's over.
Haven't heard about pumpkins so you must be busy with C around. Hello to everyone.
Love, Barb
Haven't heard about pumpkins so you must be busy with C around. Hello to everyone.
Love, Barb
Saturday, October 25, 2008
My Mother, Myself
Oh, A,
Scary stuff, standing there in the back corner of the Stop and Shop, looking through the "reduced for quick sale" produce and suddenly seeing how much of my mother I have become. Then later, after making a bangin' soup with some of those vegetables, a true testament to her tutelage, I realized that not only could I never deny her influence, but I don't really want to.
In addition to being one of the ways I impersonate my mother, cooking is also one of the ways I create. (I think I've told you this before.) And a cooking burst is usually a prelude to a writing bonanza for me. Especially if I follow The Artist's Way and stop cooking. Oh, and stop reading. Cut myself off from my other creative outlets, and I am sure to write more....Only I don't feel ready for that. Right now, I feel like I have a bit of balance in my life. I cook, I read, I write, I take pictures, and try to make my house look and smell inviting. I get in a funk here and there, but I feel like things are going okay. I'm not sure I'm ready to give anything up yet--especially my time at the stove, or at my cutting board practicing knife skills. In due time.
So, anyway, that's how my day went: bargain grocery shopping, followed by a mid afternoon European picnic of a sort, then a couple of hours in the kitchen making a Provencal vegetable soup (an Ina recipe, with modifications). No shower. Perfect day. And I'm gearing up for another one tomorrow.
Patriots play tomorrow at 1, so--especially if it's raining--I may not leave the house. After a shower and coffee, I'm thinking brunch and mimosas in comfy pjs while I watch the game. I have another bottle of Prosecco in the fridge, some orange juice left over from last Sunday, eggs, bacon, and rye bread on hand. Yay, me!
Signing off for tonight. Looking forward to your pumpkin tales.
Love, B
Scary stuff, standing there in the back corner of the Stop and Shop, looking through the "reduced for quick sale" produce and suddenly seeing how much of my mother I have become. Then later, after making a bangin' soup with some of those vegetables, a true testament to her tutelage, I realized that not only could I never deny her influence, but I don't really want to.
In addition to being one of the ways I impersonate my mother, cooking is also one of the ways I create. (I think I've told you this before.) And a cooking burst is usually a prelude to a writing bonanza for me. Especially if I follow The Artist's Way and stop cooking. Oh, and stop reading. Cut myself off from my other creative outlets, and I am sure to write more....Only I don't feel ready for that. Right now, I feel like I have a bit of balance in my life. I cook, I read, I write, I take pictures, and try to make my house look and smell inviting. I get in a funk here and there, but I feel like things are going okay. I'm not sure I'm ready to give anything up yet--especially my time at the stove, or at my cutting board practicing knife skills. In due time.
So, anyway, that's how my day went: bargain grocery shopping, followed by a mid afternoon European picnic of a sort, then a couple of hours in the kitchen making a Provencal vegetable soup (an Ina recipe, with modifications). No shower. Perfect day. And I'm gearing up for another one tomorrow.
Patriots play tomorrow at 1, so--especially if it's raining--I may not leave the house. After a shower and coffee, I'm thinking brunch and mimosas in comfy pjs while I watch the game. I have another bottle of Prosecco in the fridge, some orange juice left over from last Sunday, eggs, bacon, and rye bread on hand. Yay, me!
Signing off for tonight. Looking forward to your pumpkin tales.
Love, B
Pretty Plates
Dear Amanda,Just wanted to show you that using the plates you gave me elevates leftover pizza to something else entirely. Thanks.
Hope you're enjoying your day. Sounds like a lot of fun.
Love, Barb
October Weekend
Hey there,
I started to write earlier this morning but got sidetracked by a waking family. I was so happy to read that you had eased your stress with a plan (and paycheck) - I'm still waiting on the paycheck. I am envious of your weekend...especially the flannel pants and fleece top part. For some reason, the whole getting dressed, doing the hair and makeup - God, it takes up half my day.
It's not cold out, but I feel like I should be baking. It's sunny and breezy and the colors outside are beautiful. It's just so October; shouldn't we all be making banana bread and pumpkin cookies? Or maybe baked potato soup? As it is, I made the ultimate PWT dinner last night - this cheesy (and I mean tacky, not cheddar) hamburger mush stuff that I try to pass off as Shepherd's Pie. You know - ground beef, frozen veggies, whatever kind of soup is handy and then slap some mashed potatoes on top and bake. I have to say, I was a little impressed with myself that I actually made my own potatoes; sadly, in the past, I have made it with the kind from a box. Really. My family scarfed it, including JJ, who, as you know, is a starchatarian. I suppose it's not all bad; there might be some remotely redeeming nutritious value to it. At any rate, it was cold and crisp and windy last night, so it was the perfect dinner.
Today, C is in town and we're heading out to the pumpkin patch. She's so cute; she called me a couple of days ago to see what we were up to this weekend. She asked it we had carved pumpkins yet and I told her that we planned to do it tomorrow. She was so happy; that's the reason she wanted to come home! So we're going to pick up JJ's friend and go get our pumpkins in a minute. I guess we're also going over the Army surplus place to get his costume (army guy). Later today, S&T and I are taking the boys to the fall carnival at school, while J and C attend some benefit dinner for work. (Yeah! I don't have to go to that!) All should be over by 8, at which point I'm sure we'll go get pizza or something.
Tomorrow, pumpkin carving. Maybe I'll make my banana bread then.
Hope you're thoroughly enjoying your no-commitment day!
Love, A
I started to write earlier this morning but got sidetracked by a waking family. I was so happy to read that you had eased your stress with a plan (and paycheck) - I'm still waiting on the paycheck. I am envious of your weekend...especially the flannel pants and fleece top part. For some reason, the whole getting dressed, doing the hair and makeup - God, it takes up half my day.
It's not cold out, but I feel like I should be baking. It's sunny and breezy and the colors outside are beautiful. It's just so October; shouldn't we all be making banana bread and pumpkin cookies? Or maybe baked potato soup? As it is, I made the ultimate PWT dinner last night - this cheesy (and I mean tacky, not cheddar) hamburger mush stuff that I try to pass off as Shepherd's Pie. You know - ground beef, frozen veggies, whatever kind of soup is handy and then slap some mashed potatoes on top and bake. I have to say, I was a little impressed with myself that I actually made my own potatoes; sadly, in the past, I have made it with the kind from a box. Really. My family scarfed it, including JJ, who, as you know, is a starchatarian. I suppose it's not all bad; there might be some remotely redeeming nutritious value to it. At any rate, it was cold and crisp and windy last night, so it was the perfect dinner.
Today, C is in town and we're heading out to the pumpkin patch. She's so cute; she called me a couple of days ago to see what we were up to this weekend. She asked it we had carved pumpkins yet and I told her that we planned to do it tomorrow. She was so happy; that's the reason she wanted to come home! So we're going to pick up JJ's friend and go get our pumpkins in a minute. I guess we're also going over the Army surplus place to get his costume (army guy). Later today, S&T and I are taking the boys to the fall carnival at school, while J and C attend some benefit dinner for work. (Yeah! I don't have to go to that!) All should be over by 8, at which point I'm sure we'll go get pizza or something.
Tomorrow, pumpkin carving. Maybe I'll make my banana bread then.
Hope you're thoroughly enjoying your no-commitment day!
Love, A
The Poor House
Good morning, Amanda,
I was so exhausted last night I went to bed by 9:30. And slept until 8. But I am feeling better: coffee by my side, ready to write at 8:30.
I think as the week went on I grew more and more tired. It was a long week, especially since, by contrast, the previous week was a breeze--I had no school Monday, workshop day Tuesday, then ended up staying home on Thursday because I wasn't feeling well. Then, remember this week I didn't start out refreshed to begin with, then I had 2 late game nights (idiot) so by Wednesday I was looking forward to the weekend and a second chance at sleep.
Interestingly enough, the more tired I got the less able I was to keep focused and positive. All I thought about was finances and it was depressing and distracting. Suddenly, I didn't know how to be in a good mood, had no recollection of all my the happy times I have had here recently, how much I have enjoyed getting guest-ready and entertaining, how much I like just kicking my feet up and reading magazines. Instead I felt relegated to coming home to the Poor House. Honestly, I wasn't sure what or when I would start to feel better. Because the lottery is an impossibility (I don't play), I knew I needed at least needed a paycheck and a plan, but didn't know if that would work on its own. By the end of the day yesterday those were all set, but I still went to bed exhausted and distracted. This morning, as soon as I woke up I was ready to write and enjoy the weekend. A paycheck, a plan, and sleep--the winning trifecta.
After two busy weekends, I am looking forward to having nothing to do. I'm not hoarding the first half to myself before heading to L's for the second, not getting on the busy end of a pot of chili to take it up to W for a tailgate, and there's no pizza dough in my fridge that I will feel compelled to share with the niece and nephew whom I feel I have been neglecting. This weekend I may make soup. I may do laundry. I may work on some projects. Then again, I may just lie around in flannel pants and a fleece top for 48 hours and not bother to take a shower. No commitments or promises to anyone, including myself.
I wonder what you have in store for the weekend, and look forward to hearing about it.
Have a good day. Love, Barb
I was so exhausted last night I went to bed by 9:30. And slept until 8. But I am feeling better: coffee by my side, ready to write at 8:30.
I think as the week went on I grew more and more tired. It was a long week, especially since, by contrast, the previous week was a breeze--I had no school Monday, workshop day Tuesday, then ended up staying home on Thursday because I wasn't feeling well. Then, remember this week I didn't start out refreshed to begin with, then I had 2 late game nights (idiot) so by Wednesday I was looking forward to the weekend and a second chance at sleep.
Interestingly enough, the more tired I got the less able I was to keep focused and positive. All I thought about was finances and it was depressing and distracting. Suddenly, I didn't know how to be in a good mood, had no recollection of all my the happy times I have had here recently, how much I have enjoyed getting guest-ready and entertaining, how much I like just kicking my feet up and reading magazines. Instead I felt relegated to coming home to the Poor House. Honestly, I wasn't sure what or when I would start to feel better. Because the lottery is an impossibility (I don't play), I knew I needed at least needed a paycheck and a plan, but didn't know if that would work on its own. By the end of the day yesterday those were all set, but I still went to bed exhausted and distracted. This morning, as soon as I woke up I was ready to write and enjoy the weekend. A paycheck, a plan, and sleep--the winning trifecta.
After two busy weekends, I am looking forward to having nothing to do. I'm not hoarding the first half to myself before heading to L's for the second, not getting on the busy end of a pot of chili to take it up to W for a tailgate, and there's no pizza dough in my fridge that I will feel compelled to share with the niece and nephew whom I feel I have been neglecting. This weekend I may make soup. I may do laundry. I may work on some projects. Then again, I may just lie around in flannel pants and a fleece top for 48 hours and not bother to take a shower. No commitments or promises to anyone, including myself.
I wonder what you have in store for the weekend, and look forward to hearing about it.
Have a good day. Love, Barb
Friday, October 24, 2008
Time for writing
Dear Barb,
Friday, finally! I feel like I've been dragging all through this week. We had everyone over for game two of the world series last night, which was very fun and I finally slept well last night. Today is the end of week one on my new meds (Adderal/Prozac) and I'm beginning to notice some changes. Not huge, but good ones. I am definitely calmer...less jumpy. I'm not sure which med that is, since the Prozac isn't supposed to hit full steam for about four weeks. According to the Today Show this morning, there's a 50% chance that I've been prescribed placebos, but if the mind over matter works just as well as chemicals, I'm good with that. In addition, I'm noticeably less irritable, which is good for everyone around me. :)
Kim, my friend the published author (she signed her contract yesterday) was asking me about my own writing the other day. She asked how far I am in my novel and what my plans are for getting published. As if I really have any. She really wants me to go to a writer's conference with her and have an opportunity to introduce me to people. Wow, she has people. Of couse, I'm flattered. She reads my blog every day and comments on it. Not that she's an expert on writing, just because she's published, but she certainly has more follow-through than I do. I'm thinking of maybe going with her sometime in the spring. Til then, I need to pull out the old draft and start putting aside some time for writing.
That's my goal for this afternoon, while the house is quiet. I have until 3:30 to sit and write before anyone gets home and I have to start doing my real job. I hope your week went well and that you're settling in for nesting this weekend. By the way, how was dinner with C on Thursday? Looking forward to hearing from you later,
Love, A
Friday, finally! I feel like I've been dragging all through this week. We had everyone over for game two of the world series last night, which was very fun and I finally slept well last night. Today is the end of week one on my new meds (Adderal/Prozac) and I'm beginning to notice some changes. Not huge, but good ones. I am definitely calmer...less jumpy. I'm not sure which med that is, since the Prozac isn't supposed to hit full steam for about four weeks. According to the Today Show this morning, there's a 50% chance that I've been prescribed placebos, but if the mind over matter works just as well as chemicals, I'm good with that. In addition, I'm noticeably less irritable, which is good for everyone around me. :)
Kim, my friend the published author (she signed her contract yesterday) was asking me about my own writing the other day. She asked how far I am in my novel and what my plans are for getting published. As if I really have any. She really wants me to go to a writer's conference with her and have an opportunity to introduce me to people. Wow, she has people. Of couse, I'm flattered. She reads my blog every day and comments on it. Not that she's an expert on writing, just because she's published, but she certainly has more follow-through than I do. I'm thinking of maybe going with her sometime in the spring. Til then, I need to pull out the old draft and start putting aside some time for writing.
That's my goal for this afternoon, while the house is quiet. I have until 3:30 to sit and write before anyone gets home and I have to start doing my real job. I hope your week went well and that you're settling in for nesting this weekend. By the way, how was dinner with C on Thursday? Looking forward to hearing from you later,
Love, A
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Crazy Day
Hey, Barb,
What a great title for that post. Before I even read the content, I knew exactly what kind of day you were having. :)
So I take it W is still not employed...that sucks. Tough on him, but yes, tough on you too. Is he only looking locally or would he consider moving? (Not that I have any ideas, I was just curious.) My thoughts are with him (and you); these are really crappy times. Hang in there...both of you.
I had one of those days yesterday that felt like all I did was get in and out of my car over and over again from breakfast until dinner. Sometimes, I don't mind that; I end up feeling really productive at the end of the day since so many things get crossed off the day's list. It wasn't that kind of day, though. I went shopping with KB (and out to lunch) which was awesome, as usual. We might as well quit paying counselors and just have lunch once a week, it's that therapeutic. We're on all the same meds, pretty much sharing all the same crap in our heads. I had to be home in time to take M to his counselor (with J) then get JJ to his football game in time for practice, back home to get his coat and drop off M, then back to the game, then to T&S's to catch the last four innings of the World Series and scarf down some fajitas.
I walked in the door at 9:00 or so - I don't really remember - and felt like I hadn't done a thing all day long. I drank three glasses of wine at dinner so by the time I went to bed, I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until 12:30. I finally came downstairs and curled up on the couch to think - meditate/pray, it's my new thing - and try to calm down my brain.
I was literally nauseous about M, after our counseling appt revealed that he just doesn't like being part of a family, period. Not like he doesn't like our family, and we can do something to rectify that. Then, I ran into a friend of mine at football who happens to live a couple of doors down from this kid he's been hanging out with since school started (S). I have never liked this kid, mostly based on his family and my assumptions about them based on, well, nothing, really. I went to their house a couple of times when the kids were younger and there was never any parental supervision. And the house stunk like dogs and cigarettes. Oh yeah, and the oldest son was in jail. Nothing's changed much, either about the kid, his family or my opinion, but I feel that M's old enough to pick his friends. Ok, I don't really believe that, I just think I'm supposed to. Anyway, I asked my friend, L, if she sees M and S hanging out down there in her cul-de-sac, and when she learns that the two of them are friends, she kind of freaks out.
Without reenacting our conversation, suffice to say that the oldest son was in jail a few years ago because he's a sex offender. My suspicions about mom being a pot smoker are pretty much now confirmed, or at least L thinks the same thing. Evidently, mom is only 36 years old or so. (I've never met her.) I think the oldest son is like 21, so off goes another judgemental alarm. (It might also explain why she's such the cool mom, and why she sends my son text messages...jokes, not personal stuff, but still.) To top off all of that, I was completely convinced that he was completely stoned out of his mind when he came home (from there) last night.
The last part of this before I tried to go to bed was that I brought it up to J. I said, "What do you think about the stuff L told me?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Nothing." "Do you think we should do anything about it?" I asked. "No, what do you want to do about it?" Clearly, we were not going to have a conversation about parenting. We were not going to talk about the problems with our kid or how we'll solve them. I'm sure we never will.
I couldn't shut down the worry in my head to save my life. Worried sick really does mean that; I was nauseous. So I sat there for awhile in the dark, talking to God, praying for my mind to stop. Finally, I think I fell asleep, although I was in and out all night long. (This I attribute to the alcohol, I really think it's time I stopped drinking. And not because I have a problem, but because it messes with my sleep something fierce.)
I woke up this morning and found an email from this Love and Logic company. They send parenting tips every few days. Today's was about choosing our battles. It calmed me down from the minute I read it; I felt like it was a gift from...God...telling me that today, I can handle this. At one in the morning I was in a fit because I had convinced myself that this woman (S' mom) is preying on my son. Today, I have a bit more clarity.
I hope your day is going well - less of a funk than yesterday, although there's nothing wrong with a good funk now and again.
Love,
A
What a great title for that post. Before I even read the content, I knew exactly what kind of day you were having. :)
So I take it W is still not employed...that sucks. Tough on him, but yes, tough on you too. Is he only looking locally or would he consider moving? (Not that I have any ideas, I was just curious.) My thoughts are with him (and you); these are really crappy times. Hang in there...both of you.
I had one of those days yesterday that felt like all I did was get in and out of my car over and over again from breakfast until dinner. Sometimes, I don't mind that; I end up feeling really productive at the end of the day since so many things get crossed off the day's list. It wasn't that kind of day, though. I went shopping with KB (and out to lunch) which was awesome, as usual. We might as well quit paying counselors and just have lunch once a week, it's that therapeutic. We're on all the same meds, pretty much sharing all the same crap in our heads. I had to be home in time to take M to his counselor (with J) then get JJ to his football game in time for practice, back home to get his coat and drop off M, then back to the game, then to T&S's to catch the last four innings of the World Series and scarf down some fajitas.
I walked in the door at 9:00 or so - I don't really remember - and felt like I hadn't done a thing all day long. I drank three glasses of wine at dinner so by the time I went to bed, I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until 12:30. I finally came downstairs and curled up on the couch to think - meditate/pray, it's my new thing - and try to calm down my brain.
I was literally nauseous about M, after our counseling appt revealed that he just doesn't like being part of a family, period. Not like he doesn't like our family, and we can do something to rectify that. Then, I ran into a friend of mine at football who happens to live a couple of doors down from this kid he's been hanging out with since school started (S). I have never liked this kid, mostly based on his family and my assumptions about them based on, well, nothing, really. I went to their house a couple of times when the kids were younger and there was never any parental supervision. And the house stunk like dogs and cigarettes. Oh yeah, and the oldest son was in jail. Nothing's changed much, either about the kid, his family or my opinion, but I feel that M's old enough to pick his friends. Ok, I don't really believe that, I just think I'm supposed to. Anyway, I asked my friend, L, if she sees M and S hanging out down there in her cul-de-sac, and when she learns that the two of them are friends, she kind of freaks out.
Without reenacting our conversation, suffice to say that the oldest son was in jail a few years ago because he's a sex offender. My suspicions about mom being a pot smoker are pretty much now confirmed, or at least L thinks the same thing. Evidently, mom is only 36 years old or so. (I've never met her.) I think the oldest son is like 21, so off goes another judgemental alarm. (It might also explain why she's such the cool mom, and why she sends my son text messages...jokes, not personal stuff, but still.) To top off all of that, I was completely convinced that he was completely stoned out of his mind when he came home (from there) last night.
The last part of this before I tried to go to bed was that I brought it up to J. I said, "What do you think about the stuff L told me?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Nothing." "Do you think we should do anything about it?" I asked. "No, what do you want to do about it?" Clearly, we were not going to have a conversation about parenting. We were not going to talk about the problems with our kid or how we'll solve them. I'm sure we never will.
I couldn't shut down the worry in my head to save my life. Worried sick really does mean that; I was nauseous. So I sat there for awhile in the dark, talking to God, praying for my mind to stop. Finally, I think I fell asleep, although I was in and out all night long. (This I attribute to the alcohol, I really think it's time I stopped drinking. And not because I have a problem, but because it messes with my sleep something fierce.)
I woke up this morning and found an email from this Love and Logic company. They send parenting tips every few days. Today's was about choosing our battles. It calmed me down from the minute I read it; I felt like it was a gift from...God...telling me that today, I can handle this. At one in the morning I was in a fit because I had convinced myself that this woman (S' mom) is preying on my son. Today, I have a bit more clarity.
I hope your day is going well - less of a funk than yesterday, although there's nothing wrong with a good funk now and again.
Love,
A
Ho hum
Good morning, Amanda.
How are you? I'm in a bit of a funk....distracted by finances and feeling broke, frustrated with W's depression (and inability to think of anyone but himself and his funk) but feeling sad for him too. I had physical therapy yesterday then pretty much did nothing. Tonight I am going out with C (we have a gift certificate to use) so I thought I'd at least jot a quick note now in case I don't write tonight.
I am looking forward to the weekend. No plans--other than nesting--work fine for me. I have clothes projects (Goodwill? trash?) and other stuff to do around the house and it's supposed to rain so that works out well--especially if I make a big pot of vegetable soup.
Hope all is well on your end. Love, Barb
How are you? I'm in a bit of a funk....distracted by finances and feeling broke, frustrated with W's depression (and inability to think of anyone but himself and his funk) but feeling sad for him too. I had physical therapy yesterday then pretty much did nothing. Tonight I am going out with C (we have a gift certificate to use) so I thought I'd at least jot a quick note now in case I don't write tonight.
I am looking forward to the weekend. No plans--other than nesting--work fine for me. I have clothes projects (Goodwill? trash?) and other stuff to do around the house and it's supposed to rain so that works out well--especially if I make a big pot of vegetable soup.
Hope all is well on your end. Love, Barb
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Seeking Settlement
Hello, B,
Hmmm...raining. It's beautiful here - cold and crisp (they actually said that on the news) and sunny. Not that I've been outside. But I can tell from my window. Sounds like a delightful evening planned with your various reading materials and wine. I might join you when I get home from book club this evening.
Not only have I not left my house yet today (it's almost 3) I have hardly left my couch. I did have sort of a valid reason, though. We are reading Eat, Pray, Love for book club tonight and I had to finish it. Yes, I've already read it, but that was months ago, so I committed to read it again. I had over half of it to go this morning, so I parked my butt on the comfy couch in the super-sunny living room and read....for almost four hours.
Now, having sat relatively motionless for so long, my muscles have practically atrophied and I have no energy whatsoever, for anything. It took everything I had to go upstairs and put makeup on. Thank God I had already taken a shower and dried my hair this morning; I don't think I could have managed all that right now. As it is, I'm ready to go (but I'm not leaving for another two hours) and I'm sure there are things I need to get done, I'm just not really sure what they are and I'm not really sure I care.
I know you haven't read the book so I hope you don't mind if I talk about it for a minute here. (There's nothing I can "ruin" really, in case you do read it.) You may remember that the first time I read it, I mentioned that it had really touched me and made me think differently. It was very inspiring. It was no different this second time, except for the fact that it became painfully clear to me how little I have done/am doing with that inspiration (and all the other inspiration in my life, come to think of it). I can't even tell you how many self-help books I have read over the years; I won't even pretend to erase some from the list that maybe aren't technically "self-help" - like this one - because, frankly, they all are. I mean, you can't pass off Dr. Phil as anything but mentally medicinal (even if he is a crackpot) but sometimes I think we try to wrap this s**t in brown paper bags and act like we're actually reading literature.
What I got from this reading was the realization of how profoundly unsettled I am in my life. That's the premise of the author's decision to take her journey but I didn't tune into that the first time. I finished the last chapter today and was a little taken aback by how obvious my lack of inner peace is. How could I not have seen that before? Not just in reading this book before, but before today? Before now?
Yes, I probably do have some kind of clinical depression and I bet I do have a chemical imbalance and I most likely will benefit from these new meds. However: (and I do mean to put a colon there, even if it's not exactly grammatically correct) how will medicine settle my mind? How will medicine help me to find peace in my marriage, in my relationships with my kids? In all this reading, and therapy and counseling I do, I have never once actually sought inner peace, that blatantly. I keep reading, or going into that office and spewing out my day to day frustrations with life but I never really have a goal. I never feel much different afterwards and I don't do anything about any of it between readings or visits, either. If I'm not actually talking in the counseling office, or physically reading the book, I'm not working on me at all. I just keep going back to my daily insanity - as you reminded us a day or so ago, the repetition of the same behavior in an effort to achieve different results.
I'm not saying I need to drop everything and run off to India or wherever. I have no idea what my journey should or can be, only that I really, really need to take it. Yes, I'm inspired in the moment, this afternoon, since I just put the book down. I've been here before. But something today is so heavy, Barb, so much more urgent and a little scary. I can't keep living this way, day in and day out. It occurs to me that my marriage is truly, literally, falling apart and I'm doing nothing to stop it. In fact, I'm quite sure I'm aiding and abetting its demise. I keep passing it off with excuses like "All couples go through rough periods", "It's hard to stay connected when you have kids", "That's just the way we are, the cards we've been dealt", and my personal favorite, "I'm not mentally healthy".
In reality, all and none of those apply, to some extent. They're all true, sometimes, for some people, even for us, sometimes. But honestly? It just comes down to the simple fact that I live with a stranger and I can't find one single good reason to stay married apart from the kids.
I said it.
There is nothing about our relationship that feels right. Nothing. We don't talk, we don't argue, we don't parent, we don't laugh, we don't have sex, we don't do anything to change it. It's so much easier not to - every time we attempt a conversation about the way things are, we get in a raging fight that's so full of ugliness and bitterness and unforgiven resentment that we end up literally not speaking for days on end. And then some moment comes where, apparently, it's all over and it's all ok and back we go, head first, into our insanity. I guess it's comfortable here. It's much easier to say "Oh, when the kids are gone, we'll fix this" or to pretend that going to a counselor once a week is actually doing an iota of good, than it is to start the storm, ride it out and see if there's still a village left when it's over. Neither of us seems to have the energy for that kind of battle; today I'm painfully aware that not having it will mean the end of everything. And it will still be unsettled.
There won't be any kind of closure to this kind of dissolution. This won't end with a bang; it will most likely end with a note on the kitchen counter when I'm in my 50's and I just take my coat and disappear. There won't ever be a resolution, I won't ever be able to let it go. That's a lot of what Gilbert talks about in EPL, letting it go. That won't be an option if I don't do something now. I'll be 95 years old and I may be long gone from here, but it will not be over. That's how we do things around here. We just keep doing but nothing is ever done.
No wonder I can't shut my brain up at night and no amount of red wine or Ambien or talking or writing can make me still. I haven't been still since...I'm not sure...ever. I bet I've never been still in my whole life, because I'm so busy looking for the answers I don't even stop long enough to hear any of them. And they're probably flooding in all around me - probably always have been - but how would I know? I'm already onto the next question, the next quest. I haven't got time to listen, for God's sake, I have too much to say!
And with that little burst of revelation, I have to go. To Book Club, which I love, even though everyone is going to have hated this book, because they're all fairly devout Christians and all the hocus-pocus spirituality is going to be way more than they can handle. But, our meeting is at a good Italian restaurant and even though I'm driving, I can probably have one glass of wine. And, I have to remind myself, my book club loves me because I'm always the one who offers a perspective that no one else sees before I bring it up.
Thanks for reading and hopefully we can catch up verbally soon.
Love, A
Hmmm...raining. It's beautiful here - cold and crisp (they actually said that on the news) and sunny. Not that I've been outside. But I can tell from my window. Sounds like a delightful evening planned with your various reading materials and wine. I might join you when I get home from book club this evening.
Not only have I not left my house yet today (it's almost 3) I have hardly left my couch. I did have sort of a valid reason, though. We are reading Eat, Pray, Love for book club tonight and I had to finish it. Yes, I've already read it, but that was months ago, so I committed to read it again. I had over half of it to go this morning, so I parked my butt on the comfy couch in the super-sunny living room and read....for almost four hours.
Now, having sat relatively motionless for so long, my muscles have practically atrophied and I have no energy whatsoever, for anything. It took everything I had to go upstairs and put makeup on. Thank God I had already taken a shower and dried my hair this morning; I don't think I could have managed all that right now. As it is, I'm ready to go (but I'm not leaving for another two hours) and I'm sure there are things I need to get done, I'm just not really sure what they are and I'm not really sure I care.
I know you haven't read the book so I hope you don't mind if I talk about it for a minute here. (There's nothing I can "ruin" really, in case you do read it.) You may remember that the first time I read it, I mentioned that it had really touched me and made me think differently. It was very inspiring. It was no different this second time, except for the fact that it became painfully clear to me how little I have done/am doing with that inspiration (and all the other inspiration in my life, come to think of it). I can't even tell you how many self-help books I have read over the years; I won't even pretend to erase some from the list that maybe aren't technically "self-help" - like this one - because, frankly, they all are. I mean, you can't pass off Dr. Phil as anything but mentally medicinal (even if he is a crackpot) but sometimes I think we try to wrap this s**t in brown paper bags and act like we're actually reading literature.
What I got from this reading was the realization of how profoundly unsettled I am in my life. That's the premise of the author's decision to take her journey but I didn't tune into that the first time. I finished the last chapter today and was a little taken aback by how obvious my lack of inner peace is. How could I not have seen that before? Not just in reading this book before, but before today? Before now?
Yes, I probably do have some kind of clinical depression and I bet I do have a chemical imbalance and I most likely will benefit from these new meds. However: (and I do mean to put a colon there, even if it's not exactly grammatically correct) how will medicine settle my mind? How will medicine help me to find peace in my marriage, in my relationships with my kids? In all this reading, and therapy and counseling I do, I have never once actually sought inner peace, that blatantly. I keep reading, or going into that office and spewing out my day to day frustrations with life but I never really have a goal. I never feel much different afterwards and I don't do anything about any of it between readings or visits, either. If I'm not actually talking in the counseling office, or physically reading the book, I'm not working on me at all. I just keep going back to my daily insanity - as you reminded us a day or so ago, the repetition of the same behavior in an effort to achieve different results.
I'm not saying I need to drop everything and run off to India or wherever. I have no idea what my journey should or can be, only that I really, really need to take it. Yes, I'm inspired in the moment, this afternoon, since I just put the book down. I've been here before. But something today is so heavy, Barb, so much more urgent and a little scary. I can't keep living this way, day in and day out. It occurs to me that my marriage is truly, literally, falling apart and I'm doing nothing to stop it. In fact, I'm quite sure I'm aiding and abetting its demise. I keep passing it off with excuses like "All couples go through rough periods", "It's hard to stay connected when you have kids", "That's just the way we are, the cards we've been dealt", and my personal favorite, "I'm not mentally healthy".
In reality, all and none of those apply, to some extent. They're all true, sometimes, for some people, even for us, sometimes. But honestly? It just comes down to the simple fact that I live with a stranger and I can't find one single good reason to stay married apart from the kids.
I said it.
There is nothing about our relationship that feels right. Nothing. We don't talk, we don't argue, we don't parent, we don't laugh, we don't have sex, we don't do anything to change it. It's so much easier not to - every time we attempt a conversation about the way things are, we get in a raging fight that's so full of ugliness and bitterness and unforgiven resentment that we end up literally not speaking for days on end. And then some moment comes where, apparently, it's all over and it's all ok and back we go, head first, into our insanity. I guess it's comfortable here. It's much easier to say "Oh, when the kids are gone, we'll fix this" or to pretend that going to a counselor once a week is actually doing an iota of good, than it is to start the storm, ride it out and see if there's still a village left when it's over. Neither of us seems to have the energy for that kind of battle; today I'm painfully aware that not having it will mean the end of everything. And it will still be unsettled.
There won't be any kind of closure to this kind of dissolution. This won't end with a bang; it will most likely end with a note on the kitchen counter when I'm in my 50's and I just take my coat and disappear. There won't ever be a resolution, I won't ever be able to let it go. That's a lot of what Gilbert talks about in EPL, letting it go. That won't be an option if I don't do something now. I'll be 95 years old and I may be long gone from here, but it will not be over. That's how we do things around here. We just keep doing but nothing is ever done.
No wonder I can't shut my brain up at night and no amount of red wine or Ambien or talking or writing can make me still. I haven't been still since...I'm not sure...ever. I bet I've never been still in my whole life, because I'm so busy looking for the answers I don't even stop long enough to hear any of them. And they're probably flooding in all around me - probably always have been - but how would I know? I'm already onto the next question, the next quest. I haven't got time to listen, for God's sake, I have too much to say!
And with that little burst of revelation, I have to go. To Book Club, which I love, even though everyone is going to have hated this book, because they're all fairly devout Christians and all the hocus-pocus spirituality is going to be way more than they can handle. But, our meeting is at a good Italian restaurant and even though I'm driving, I can probably have one glass of wine. And, I have to remind myself, my book club loves me because I'm always the one who offers a perspective that no one else sees before I bring it up.
Thanks for reading and hopefully we can catch up verbally soon.
Love, A
Rainy Night Reading
Hello, A.
It's raining. I cancelled my nail appointment. My medical co-pays are killing me--$60 this week for the third week in a row. I'll be better able to afford my fill next week, so I put it off till Monday. But, God, I worry about low income families with sick kids. For me it creates a lifestyle change; I don't have as much "play money." For families who can't barely buy heating oil, it must be devastating.
Anyway, I'm home, happy to have another fresh magazine (yesterday my premier issue of Food Network Magazine came; today the November Gourmet arrived) to flip through tonight along with a pile of catalogs. Magazines and catalogs--perfect for a rainy night. As will be the rest of C's all'Amatriciana over bucatini and mushroom crostini (that I'll make with extra mushrooms and caramelized onions from pizza night and the baguette I just took out of the freezer.) Oh, and need I mention a glass of red wine--or two? Tonight I have no game to watch so I think after my rainy night reading and dinner I'll get to bed early.
Despite my late night last night (the second in a row) I woke up early this morning so I could write my Morning Pages, and so I'm dragging. If it were bright and sunny I'd probably be feeling guilty about having so little energy and ambition, but the weather is conducive to my plans.
I will be up late enough to check in here again and see if you leave me a note. Hope you're having a good day.
Love, Barb
It's raining. I cancelled my nail appointment. My medical co-pays are killing me--$60 this week for the third week in a row. I'll be better able to afford my fill next week, so I put it off till Monday. But, God, I worry about low income families with sick kids. For me it creates a lifestyle change; I don't have as much "play money." For families who can't barely buy heating oil, it must be devastating.
Anyway, I'm home, happy to have another fresh magazine (yesterday my premier issue of Food Network Magazine came; today the November Gourmet arrived) to flip through tonight along with a pile of catalogs. Magazines and catalogs--perfect for a rainy night. As will be the rest of C's all'Amatriciana over bucatini and mushroom crostini (that I'll make with extra mushrooms and caramelized onions from pizza night and the baguette I just took out of the freezer.) Oh, and need I mention a glass of red wine--or two? Tonight I have no game to watch so I think after my rainy night reading and dinner I'll get to bed early.
Despite my late night last night (the second in a row) I woke up early this morning so I could write my Morning Pages, and so I'm dragging. If it were bright and sunny I'd probably be feeling guilty about having so little energy and ambition, but the weather is conducive to my plans.
I will be up late enough to check in here again and see if you leave me a note. Hope you're having a good day.
Love, Barb
Touche
I was tired, it was late and dare I say it was karma. God keeping me humble I guess. I will resist urges--for now--to go in and edit myself. Have the laugh. I'm laughing too.
Have a great day. Barb
PS I didn't misspell touche. I don't know how to put the accent on the e.
Have a great day. Barb
PS I didn't misspell touche. I don't know how to put the accent on the e.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Grammar 911
So did you mean parentheses? And you're? Really? Tell me you're just screwing with me; otherwise, this is too good to be true!
Crazy is...
Very funny, Amanda. I know, it's a sickness. Sorry, and thanks for being such a good sport.
I'm glad you had a good day with J today; sorry to hear that M was such a nightmare. All that sans coffee? Yikes.
I was not feeling particularly refreshed this morning at the start of the week, but I am glad I had an active and productive weekend, and that I had M&V and the kids over last night. I was feeling guilty about not spending much time with J and A who live 10 minutes away, while spending more time with S and C who live an hour away. Honestly, though, if I hadn't stayed up watching the Red Sox I'd probably be okay....But what am I doing tonight? Watching the Patriots. Oh well, another weekend is on the way. Who is it that said crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome?...
The chili was a hit, by the way. W has called 4 times already--twice from the tailgate, and twice from the game, which they are winning! Funny, when W calls from the games I get the whole he really loves me feeling. Of course when his drunk, sometimes slurring, a*s is still calling me at 11, when the game is over, and I'm trying to sleep, I'm usually over it. lol
Nails tomorrow, PT Wednesday and Friday, dinner with C Thursday at a place I've been multiple times (mostly this summer when she was in Rome) but she has never been. We're using a restaurant.com coupon (have I told you about that?) so it shouldn't break the bank, but best of all I get to have my favorite arugula salad....
Hope you have a good week in store, that you had a good night.
Love [comma] Barb
PS See I couldn't even let the bracket thing go. They should be brackets, not commas. Not that you're joke was any less funny...
I'm glad you had a good day with J today; sorry to hear that M was such a nightmare. All that sans coffee? Yikes.
I was not feeling particularly refreshed this morning at the start of the week, but I am glad I had an active and productive weekend, and that I had M&V and the kids over last night. I was feeling guilty about not spending much time with J and A who live 10 minutes away, while spending more time with S and C who live an hour away. Honestly, though, if I hadn't stayed up watching the Red Sox I'd probably be okay....But what am I doing tonight? Watching the Patriots. Oh well, another weekend is on the way. Who is it that said crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome?...
The chili was a hit, by the way. W has called 4 times already--twice from the tailgate, and twice from the game, which they are winning! Funny, when W calls from the games I get the whole he really loves me feeling. Of course when his drunk, sometimes slurring, a*s is still calling me at 11, when the game is over, and I'm trying to sleep, I'm usually over it. lol
Nails tomorrow, PT Wednesday and Friday, dinner with C Thursday at a place I've been multiple times (mostly this summer when she was in Rome) but she has never been. We're using a restaurant.com coupon (have I told you about that?) so it shouldn't break the bank, but best of all I get to have my favorite arugula salad....
Hope you have a good week in store, that you had a good night.
Love [comma] Barb
PS See I couldn't even let the bracket thing go. They should be brackets, not commas. Not that you're joke was any less funny...
Relationship Wrecker
Dear (no comma) Barb (comma)
I'm killing myself :) I was so happy to hear that you had a good time with M&V et al. I was a little worried for you - especially since I haven't heard how they are doing lately. And remember how I said I wanted to sit in your kitchen and watch you cook? That part where you had to modify for gluten-free at the last minute was truly impressive, Martha. I would've said "Oh, crap, I forgot. Ok, everyone! Coats on. We're going out." I don't even know for certain what gluten is, so I'm not sure if I would know if I had made something without it.
Just got home from the eye doctor in the city. We had a nice time, actually. We talked about M and our upcoming counseling appt (this will be J's first time coming with us). We decided to focus on our expectations and his privileges, and how those relate to each other. We (J and I) still are not talking about parenting on anywhere near the same plane, but at least we're talking. It's frustrating to feel as if I'm completely alone (maybe it is for him too?) and I wish we could come to some common ground, but the more we go to therapy, the more I am beginning to believe that's never going to happen. I just think it's something we won't ever be able to do together (as much as that will f up all of our kids in the end) so I'll do the best I can on my end.
My battle with M this morning began last night when I read on Family Access that he had three missing assignments (including a test) and detention for a fourth. I tried to call him, but his phone was dead. I tried to call his friend's phone and his friend's house, to no avail. Fortunately, they usually hang out at the Park and Ride just at the end of our street, so I drove down there and found him. I told him he was grounded for a) lying to me (told me he had no missing work) and b) we simply don't allow missing work, and that he would be grounded until all the work was made up, whether he got credit for it or not. Naturally, he had a meltdown over that, because, as he said, "I'm not like you!" I can only assume that, by this, he meant that not completing school work is some kind of character trait, to which I really wanted to answer, "You're right. I would have about ten missing assignments, but that's not the point."
He did get in the car though. Then he said, "I was supposed to hang out with A this afternoon." I told him I guessed that wasn't going to happen. He asked, "Well, what am I supposed to tell her?" I said, "Tell her you didn't do your homework and you're grounded." He fell silent for a minute, then with pain and venom dripping from his voice, he asked "Why are you trying to ruin my relationship with A?"
OMG, did I almost burst out laughing! That was classic! But I did the parenting-by-the-book-right-thing and said, "Honey, I'm not the one who didn't do my chemistry. This has nothing to do with A." He came home, did the homework and I did get confirmation from each of his teachers today. But this morning, when he got up at 6:00 and was ready to head out the door to S's house, I reminded him that he was still grounded and couldn't go to S's today. He didn't like that much; he told me loudly and rudely, "I took a piss test for you so I could go to S's house in the mornings and now you're telling me I can't go." And back and forth it went, until I was told that I'm a power hungry control freak, yada, yada, yada.
So I did what my mother told me would solve all my problems - she said I should just walk away and leave him yelling at the wall. I'm not so sure it'll solve everything, but it ended that altercation for the time being. She's right, though. in many ways. I do over-engage and exacerbate the situation with him. I also allow him to twist me up with comments like "You never listen to me, you always walk away" and the like. Then I get all terrified that I'm not giving him a voice...oh for God's sake, I'm f***in' sick and tired of his voice.
That was the story - but I hadn't even had coffee yet! Argh!! He's upstairs now finishing other work for tomorrow that I found out was missing today...he's not making a lot of progress at this rate. I need to go - C called earlier and I need to get back to her. I'll check in later to see if write tonight.
Love,
A
I'm killing myself :) I was so happy to hear that you had a good time with M&V et al. I was a little worried for you - especially since I haven't heard how they are doing lately. And remember how I said I wanted to sit in your kitchen and watch you cook? That part where you had to modify for gluten-free at the last minute was truly impressive, Martha. I would've said "Oh, crap, I forgot. Ok, everyone! Coats on. We're going out." I don't even know for certain what gluten is, so I'm not sure if I would know if I had made something without it.
Just got home from the eye doctor in the city. We had a nice time, actually. We talked about M and our upcoming counseling appt (this will be J's first time coming with us). We decided to focus on our expectations and his privileges, and how those relate to each other. We (J and I) still are not talking about parenting on anywhere near the same plane, but at least we're talking. It's frustrating to feel as if I'm completely alone (maybe it is for him too?) and I wish we could come to some common ground, but the more we go to therapy, the more I am beginning to believe that's never going to happen. I just think it's something we won't ever be able to do together (as much as that will f up all of our kids in the end) so I'll do the best I can on my end.
My battle with M this morning began last night when I read on Family Access that he had three missing assignments (including a test) and detention for a fourth. I tried to call him, but his phone was dead. I tried to call his friend's phone and his friend's house, to no avail. Fortunately, they usually hang out at the Park and Ride just at the end of our street, so I drove down there and found him. I told him he was grounded for a) lying to me (told me he had no missing work) and b) we simply don't allow missing work, and that he would be grounded until all the work was made up, whether he got credit for it or not. Naturally, he had a meltdown over that, because, as he said, "I'm not like you!" I can only assume that, by this, he meant that not completing school work is some kind of character trait, to which I really wanted to answer, "You're right. I would have about ten missing assignments, but that's not the point."
He did get in the car though. Then he said, "I was supposed to hang out with A this afternoon." I told him I guessed that wasn't going to happen. He asked, "Well, what am I supposed to tell her?" I said, "Tell her you didn't do your homework and you're grounded." He fell silent for a minute, then with pain and venom dripping from his voice, he asked "Why are you trying to ruin my relationship with A?"
OMG, did I almost burst out laughing! That was classic! But I did the parenting-by-the-book-right-thing and said, "Honey, I'm not the one who didn't do my chemistry. This has nothing to do with A." He came home, did the homework and I did get confirmation from each of his teachers today. But this morning, when he got up at 6:00 and was ready to head out the door to S's house, I reminded him that he was still grounded and couldn't go to S's today. He didn't like that much; he told me loudly and rudely, "I took a piss test for you so I could go to S's house in the mornings and now you're telling me I can't go." And back and forth it went, until I was told that I'm a power hungry control freak, yada, yada, yada.
So I did what my mother told me would solve all my problems - she said I should just walk away and leave him yelling at the wall. I'm not so sure it'll solve everything, but it ended that altercation for the time being. She's right, though. in many ways. I do over-engage and exacerbate the situation with him. I also allow him to twist me up with comments like "You never listen to me, you always walk away" and the like. Then I get all terrified that I'm not giving him a voice...oh for God's sake, I'm f***in' sick and tired of his voice.
That was the story - but I hadn't even had coffee yet! Argh!! He's upstairs now finishing other work for tomorrow that I found out was missing today...he's not making a lot of progress at this rate. I need to go - C called earlier and I need to get back to her. I'll check in later to see if write tonight.
Love,
A
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Go, Sox!...or not
Clearly, I am out of my mind to still be awake. But it's the top of the 8th and we're only down by 2 runs. Last week I went to bed in the 7th inning, when they were down 1-7, only to wake up and hear on the news that they won!
Dinner was good. I forgot that M is doing gluten free/no wheat so at the last minute needed to come up with something else to serve. I ended up doing cheese pizza for the kids, the mushroom onion pizzas for me and V, and portabella mushrooms stuffed with amatriciana sauce and cheese for all the grown-ups. I've never made them before so it was a relief that they were a big hit.
More importantly than the menu was my visit with J and A. J came in his new duds--jeans (almost, but not quite, hanging off his a*s), an argyle sweater vest, corduroy blazer, dress shoes (high polish calf lace up shoes that I would have worn 12 years ago when they actually were popular for girls too). Almost a tongue-in-cheek preppy look. A, now in middle school, had a new 'do, a little shorter than her typical bob, and new bangs. I think the best part was that it didn't feel like a tension convention. Maybe because I hosted on my turf, maybe because M&V are working things out...M and I didn't have a chance to talk privately, so I don't know, but I did put out a suggestion for a lunch date for us to catch up.
Hope your get together tonight was good, too. Maybe we can talk tomorrow night. The Patriots play (and W is serving my chili at his tailgate), so I'm sure I'll be up late again.
Love you, Barb
PS Sox just lost...
Dinner was good. I forgot that M is doing gluten free/no wheat so at the last minute needed to come up with something else to serve. I ended up doing cheese pizza for the kids, the mushroom onion pizzas for me and V, and portabella mushrooms stuffed with amatriciana sauce and cheese for all the grown-ups. I've never made them before so it was a relief that they were a big hit.
More importantly than the menu was my visit with J and A. J came in his new duds--jeans (almost, but not quite, hanging off his a*s), an argyle sweater vest, corduroy blazer, dress shoes (high polish calf lace up shoes that I would have worn 12 years ago when they actually were popular for girls too). Almost a tongue-in-cheek preppy look. A, now in middle school, had a new 'do, a little shorter than her typical bob, and new bangs. I think the best part was that it didn't feel like a tension convention. Maybe because I hosted on my turf, maybe because M&V are working things out...M and I didn't have a chance to talk privately, so I don't know, but I did put out a suggestion for a lunch date for us to catch up.
Hope your get together tonight was good, too. Maybe we can talk tomorrow night. The Patriots play (and W is serving my chili at his tailgate), so I'm sure I'll be up late again.
Love you, Barb
PS Sox just lost...
Friend-filled weekend
Hey Barb,
I have to tell you, I really envy you. I just want to sit at your kitchen table and watch/listen as you cook and prepare. I feel like my cooking efforts are merely functional...get it made, get it cooked, get it eaten. I love that you're having a mimosa while making dinner and you already washed the lettuce...it's like Giada on paper.
My weekend was good...Friday night a little impromptu dinner with the gang; I grilled flank steak and made Lipton onion soup potatoes. You would have thought I was Giada myself, the way those went over. K was astounded that all it took was the packet of soup and some olive oil. Maybe I underestimate myself. At any rate, it was a very good dinner, some of us standing at the bar, some sitting at the table, super informal. Do I even need to mention that we drank too much? We girls opened some of the wine be bought at World Market and were not disappointed.
Yesterday I sat here on my butt and made crazy. No complaints there. Dropped JJ off at a birthday party and did a tiny bit of housework. Last night K made ribs and chops for all of us, sans the wine. I'm not sure we even finished a bottle between the three of us. It was a great dinner though. I was sad that I ate so much because S made an Asian pear tartfrom the pears in K's backyard and it was phenomenal. All I could eat was one bite, but plan to hit her up for leftovers at the game party tonight. (Yes, together again.) R leaves for Australia this afternoon so T's cooking up something to "celebrate" :) K's 10-day stint as a single girl. I don't even know if we're watching football or baseball, I just know to show up and hang with my friends. Life doesn't suck.
JJ's got a friend coming over today, M's girlfriend might show up too. So I think I'll jump in the shower so as not to scare them away - the fact that M agreed to have A over here was monumental. I'll try not to be completely uncool.
Love,
Amanda
I have to tell you, I really envy you. I just want to sit at your kitchen table and watch/listen as you cook and prepare. I feel like my cooking efforts are merely functional...get it made, get it cooked, get it eaten. I love that you're having a mimosa while making dinner and you already washed the lettuce...it's like Giada on paper.
My weekend was good...Friday night a little impromptu dinner with the gang; I grilled flank steak and made Lipton onion soup potatoes. You would have thought I was Giada myself, the way those went over. K was astounded that all it took was the packet of soup and some olive oil. Maybe I underestimate myself. At any rate, it was a very good dinner, some of us standing at the bar, some sitting at the table, super informal. Do I even need to mention that we drank too much? We girls opened some of the wine be bought at World Market and were not disappointed.
Yesterday I sat here on my butt and made crazy. No complaints there. Dropped JJ off at a birthday party and did a tiny bit of housework. Last night K made ribs and chops for all of us, sans the wine. I'm not sure we even finished a bottle between the three of us. It was a great dinner though. I was sad that I ate so much because S made an Asian pear tartfrom the pears in K's backyard and it was phenomenal. All I could eat was one bite, but plan to hit her up for leftovers at the game party tonight. (Yes, together again.) R leaves for Australia this afternoon so T's cooking up something to "celebrate" :) K's 10-day stint as a single girl. I don't even know if we're watching football or baseball, I just know to show up and hang with my friends. Life doesn't suck.
JJ's got a friend coming over today, M's girlfriend might show up too. So I think I'll jump in the shower so as not to scare them away - the fact that M agreed to have A over here was monumental. I'll try not to be completely uncool.
Love,
Amanda
Pizza Party
Hi, A,
I am back from Boston, alternately sipping mimosas and preparing for dinner guests. (I am a glutton for punishment!) I invited and M and V and the kids over for dinner tonight. I haven't seen J and A in a while and feel bad that I haven't, and since I have pizza dough in the fridge and was planning to make pizza tonight anyway I figured what the heck. W had to take his niece to a swimming lesson early this afternoon so I am back in plenty of time.
I usually par bake the crusts before I top them and put them back in the oven, so this is also a menu that should be guest friendly. I'll get the 2 doughs ready ahead of time, I'll make the caramelized onions and mushrooms, and the romaine is already washed and spun dry for a Caesar salad. I need to run to the store for a few things and I'll decide then if I'll buy dessert or ingredients to bake one. Nice and easy, nothing fancy. M said she'd bring cheese and crackers, so perfect.
Of course I should probably spend tonight correcting papers, but there's always tomorrow. I'd rather focus on school at school and enjoy the weekend. And it has been a good weekend--me time, time with W, and tonight I'll spend time with family.
So that's my update. I wonder how you are and hope to hear from you later.
Love, Barb
I am back from Boston, alternately sipping mimosas and preparing for dinner guests. (I am a glutton for punishment!) I invited and M and V and the kids over for dinner tonight. I haven't seen J and A in a while and feel bad that I haven't, and since I have pizza dough in the fridge and was planning to make pizza tonight anyway I figured what the heck. W had to take his niece to a swimming lesson early this afternoon so I am back in plenty of time.
I usually par bake the crusts before I top them and put them back in the oven, so this is also a menu that should be guest friendly. I'll get the 2 doughs ready ahead of time, I'll make the caramelized onions and mushrooms, and the romaine is already washed and spun dry for a Caesar salad. I need to run to the store for a few things and I'll decide then if I'll buy dessert or ingredients to bake one. Nice and easy, nothing fancy. M said she'd bring cheese and crackers, so perfect.
Of course I should probably spend tonight correcting papers, but there's always tomorrow. I'd rather focus on school at school and enjoy the weekend. And it has been a good weekend--me time, time with W, and tonight I'll spend time with family.
So that's my update. I wonder how you are and hope to hear from you later.
Love, Barb
Friday, October 17, 2008
Ah, the weekend
Hi, Amanda,
I wonder what you have going on this weekend...parties at the fire pit? fishing or football with JJ? just trying to stay sane? All of the above?...
I am heading up to Boston tomorrow to see W. He has a game Monday night and I'm coming up with chili, which I'm making right now, for his tailgate. I thought about going out between my physical therapy appointment this afternoon and cooking (something didn't seem right about spending Friday night cooking for my boyfriend's tailgate (that I'm not even going to!)), but decided against it. I'd rather spend the money in Boston, at a TJs that sells wine. Anyway, I'll be back early Sunday, in time to do my nesting, maybe make some pizza and sip some Sangiovese, do some writing. Aside from seeing W, I am really looking forward to the fall foliage on the Mass Pike--80 miles of stunning scenery.
Okay, maybe I'm also looking forward to wearing my new leather jacket. Do you know I have never owned a leather jacket in my life? Ever. Well, until now. I ordered one on line (risky, I know, but they had 3 month deferred billing) and it fits. I wish the sleeves were a little bigger, but it's not a flaw of the jacket (you know those really poorly tailored blazers with shoulders broad enough for a linebacker and arms as small as straws?), it's me. I figure it'll stretch. I'll wear a long sleeve v-neck t-shirt with it to start, and eventually maybe I can wear it with one of the cashmere sweaters I treated myself to last year (which I love and can't wait to wear again)....
There is a nip in the air we haven't had yet, and it's wonderful. Now that I've taken out my autumn harvest decorations, and have the scent of apple cider wafting about (I bought apple cider scented diffuser refills last weekend from Bath and Body that smell absolutely delicious) I'm ready to start making my Christmas lists. Okay, maybe not that since I'm broke and can't think about shopping for Christmas, but I am ready to make the closet switch and take out my fleece. Next time I go to a football game to see S cheer on the Pop Warner boys I don't want to be in sandals and capris. I want to be in shoes, my leather jacket, a cashmere sweater. I want to pay the Boosters Club a buck for some watery hot cocoa and wish I had some Kahlua nips in my purse. Life would be perfect if, after the game, we could all gather around spaghetti and A+ meatballs, homemade wine and limoncello again...
Write when you can. Love you, Barb
I wonder what you have going on this weekend...parties at the fire pit? fishing or football with JJ? just trying to stay sane? All of the above?...
I am heading up to Boston tomorrow to see W. He has a game Monday night and I'm coming up with chili, which I'm making right now, for his tailgate. I thought about going out between my physical therapy appointment this afternoon and cooking (something didn't seem right about spending Friday night cooking for my boyfriend's tailgate (that I'm not even going to!)), but decided against it. I'd rather spend the money in Boston, at a TJs that sells wine. Anyway, I'll be back early Sunday, in time to do my nesting, maybe make some pizza and sip some Sangiovese, do some writing. Aside from seeing W, I am really looking forward to the fall foliage on the Mass Pike--80 miles of stunning scenery.
Okay, maybe I'm also looking forward to wearing my new leather jacket. Do you know I have never owned a leather jacket in my life? Ever. Well, until now. I ordered one on line (risky, I know, but they had 3 month deferred billing) and it fits. I wish the sleeves were a little bigger, but it's not a flaw of the jacket (you know those really poorly tailored blazers with shoulders broad enough for a linebacker and arms as small as straws?), it's me. I figure it'll stretch. I'll wear a long sleeve v-neck t-shirt with it to start, and eventually maybe I can wear it with one of the cashmere sweaters I treated myself to last year (which I love and can't wait to wear again)....
There is a nip in the air we haven't had yet, and it's wonderful. Now that I've taken out my autumn harvest decorations, and have the scent of apple cider wafting about (I bought apple cider scented diffuser refills last weekend from Bath and Body that smell absolutely delicious) I'm ready to start making my Christmas lists. Okay, maybe not that since I'm broke and can't think about shopping for Christmas, but I am ready to make the closet switch and take out my fleece. Next time I go to a football game to see S cheer on the Pop Warner boys I don't want to be in sandals and capris. I want to be in shoes, my leather jacket, a cashmere sweater. I want to pay the Boosters Club a buck for some watery hot cocoa and wish I had some Kahlua nips in my purse. Life would be perfect if, after the game, we could all gather around spaghetti and A+ meatballs, homemade wine and limoncello again...
Write when you can. Love you, Barb
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Emmy Winning K Show
Dear Barb,
I love Yahtzee! What a great picture to add to our blog. I'm jealous of your evening with the girls, it definitely sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Apparently you need to send me your chili recipe...? I'm the only one who hasn't had it :)
I only have a few minutes before I have to pick M up from the hairdresser (cut and color today, pink and black), but wanted to write now in case I run out of time this evening. I didn't sleep at all last night, tried to nap this afternoon and was unsuccessful, so my plan is to hit the hay at 8:30 with an Ambien and see if I can't get caught up. Today I went to court for my custody hearing - in a nutshell, it was a complete joke. I wish I weren't such a detail-oriented story teller and I could leave it at that, but I am, and I can't. So here's what "it was a complete joke" means:
We were told to arrive at 8:00am. The judge was a half an hour late. He came in, didn't introduce himself or shake hands or anything, said "Sorry I'm late, I totally forgot I had this this morning", and sat down. It was immediately very clear that he had not reviewed any of our paperwork, didn't know who we were or why we were there. It was also very clear that he was bored and disinterested in why we were there; he wanted to get it over with. (BTW, what we did today was called a settlement conference - basically a mediation between both parties to come to an agreement on the parenting plan, child support, etc. ) Remember, now, that K chose to represent himself and not get a lawyer. So he's had eight months to read up and get educated and know the numbers, etc, but today he came in and, even though all the paperwork was drawn up as he specified, didn't want to sign because he wanted to have his lawyer look at it first. I am not f***ing kidding. The details of the settlement are irrelevant here, other than the fact that K was clearly in the judge's favor. He put on a damn good show; all choked up and shit about how much he loves his son and blah, blah, blah (do the jerk-off hand motion here - sorry to be crass). He went on and on about how I've damaged his relationship with his son and the judge actually admonished ME twice about not trying hard enough to foster their relationship. I tell you, it was a classic K performance; so good I couldn't even dignify it with an argument in my own defense. It wasn't even worth it.
As JB pointed out this afternoon, I may have forked out several thousand dollars and a bunch of my time and energy, but at the end of the day, K has the wording he wants on a legal document and I have my son. Simple as that...and that is worth a lot. He's done his own damage with that relationship; regardless of what he believes in his heart, M and I and everyone else on the planet knows the truth.
What a colossal waste of my time, though. And thank God that judge is not up for re-election because if he were, I would probably have to black out his name on the ballot with a Sharpie just to make absolutely sure I wasn't voting him back in.
So that was my day. I allowed myself a few hours of dead time on the couch and finally got up and went on. Tomorrow is day two with my new psych and the topic will be "I'm tired of my life just being one crisis strung to another, endlessly. Stop the insanity."
More later - glad to hear you had such a nice evening!
Love,
A
P.S. Since my life currently is one crisis after another, I forgot this part: J insisted on going with me today, even though we're not speaking to each other. Complete silence all the way there, complete silence all the way home. Boy, was that comforting and supportive.
I love Yahtzee! What a great picture to add to our blog. I'm jealous of your evening with the girls, it definitely sounds like just what the doctor ordered. Apparently you need to send me your chili recipe...? I'm the only one who hasn't had it :)
I only have a few minutes before I have to pick M up from the hairdresser (cut and color today, pink and black), but wanted to write now in case I run out of time this evening. I didn't sleep at all last night, tried to nap this afternoon and was unsuccessful, so my plan is to hit the hay at 8:30 with an Ambien and see if I can't get caught up. Today I went to court for my custody hearing - in a nutshell, it was a complete joke. I wish I weren't such a detail-oriented story teller and I could leave it at that, but I am, and I can't. So here's what "it was a complete joke" means:
We were told to arrive at 8:00am. The judge was a half an hour late. He came in, didn't introduce himself or shake hands or anything, said "Sorry I'm late, I totally forgot I had this this morning", and sat down. It was immediately very clear that he had not reviewed any of our paperwork, didn't know who we were or why we were there. It was also very clear that he was bored and disinterested in why we were there; he wanted to get it over with. (BTW, what we did today was called a settlement conference - basically a mediation between both parties to come to an agreement on the parenting plan, child support, etc. ) Remember, now, that K chose to represent himself and not get a lawyer. So he's had eight months to read up and get educated and know the numbers, etc, but today he came in and, even though all the paperwork was drawn up as he specified, didn't want to sign because he wanted to have his lawyer look at it first. I am not f***ing kidding. The details of the settlement are irrelevant here, other than the fact that K was clearly in the judge's favor. He put on a damn good show; all choked up and shit about how much he loves his son and blah, blah, blah (do the jerk-off hand motion here - sorry to be crass). He went on and on about how I've damaged his relationship with his son and the judge actually admonished ME twice about not trying hard enough to foster their relationship. I tell you, it was a classic K performance; so good I couldn't even dignify it with an argument in my own defense. It wasn't even worth it.
As JB pointed out this afternoon, I may have forked out several thousand dollars and a bunch of my time and energy, but at the end of the day, K has the wording he wants on a legal document and I have my son. Simple as that...and that is worth a lot. He's done his own damage with that relationship; regardless of what he believes in his heart, M and I and everyone else on the planet knows the truth.
What a colossal waste of my time, though. And thank God that judge is not up for re-election because if he were, I would probably have to black out his name on the ballot with a Sharpie just to make absolutely sure I wasn't voting him back in.
So that was my day. I allowed myself a few hours of dead time on the couch and finally got up and went on. Tomorrow is day two with my new psych and the topic will be "I'm tired of my life just being one crisis strung to another, endlessly. Stop the insanity."
More later - glad to hear you had such a nice evening!
Love,
A
P.S. Since my life currently is one crisis after another, I forgot this part: J insisted on going with me today, even though we're not speaking to each other. Complete silence all the way there, complete silence all the way home. Boy, was that comforting and supportive.
Good Medicine
Good morning, Amanda,
Interesting about the whole emo thing. Is that just M or in general is it a persona all these kids adopt to be cool?...If you learn more about it, I'd love for you to share. Of course the more important thing is that I'm glad you found this out because it does, indeed, change the scene. You have every right to feel better about things.
Sounds like a fun day with the girls yesterday. Every once in a while my fantasy of changing jobs revolves around having a 9-5 schedule that includes lunch out like yours, long lunches where you make up the time at the end of the day. I'm glad you went, and found pants that fit. :) Discount wine is quite a bonus!
J and M and I had a great time last night. We hadn't seen each other in months--the longest time I think we've let lapse since we've been friends, since we decided to maintain our friendship after J1 (who introduced us all) got married and moved. They are both ten years younger than I am, but have life experiences that I have not. M has been married and divorced and has a 6 year old son, J is married with 2 kids--1 son in preschool and 1 daughter younger than the son. Anyway, they both love my chili (everyone loves my chili! ;) ), which makes for easy entertaining. I make it ahead and put it on the stove on low when I get home. When they get here, they get here, and I'm not busy in the kitchen so we can spend time talking and laughing. Since we had a lot of catching up to do, it was a perfect menu. It even left us time to play Yahtzee. When J1 was still around we could sit around her table for hours playing. We have our own Yahtzee language, in fact, which we remembered and used last night. What a hoot. Unfortunately, they had to leave fairly early to get back to their children; when they did we promised not to let as much time pass until we get together again.
Nothing like the company of good friends and a good meal, wouldn't you say? I'm glad we both had a good dose...
Love you, Barb
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
More Clarity
Hey Barb,
You asked with whom I was fighting last night and the answer is everyone. M, J and myself. The world. God. Whomever happened to cross my path, I guess. It was a horrible night. It started because M didn't come walking in the door until 7:45; prior to which J and I got in an argument about how to handle it. By the time M got home, I was already irate, so I ended up lighting into him worse than was necessary. Then J got mad at him. Then I went and tried to apologize to him but we got into a whole new argument. I finally just left altogether and sat in my closet. It's my weird safe place; it's the only place I can be in the absolute darkness, it's quiet, no one will bother me there. That took an hour of recuperation time, after which I apologized to everyone - including JJ, who sat through several F bombs and much crazy mother behavior.
Today, looking back at my actions, I wasn't that bad. I wasn't even unreasonable. J and I are on the edge so constantly anymore that a fight like that is always lingering on the tips of our tongues. We parent so completely differently that coming to any kind of compromise is virtually impossible for us. Our counseling session was terrible yesterday, to boot, so that didn't help. We were already tense. I was worried about M, J was simply mad at him.
I went out with the girls today and had fun. We went shopping at the new Nordstrom and I actually found two pairs of pants I liked and that fit. (Score!) We went to lunch at a place new to me and it was excellent - I had some kind of chicken with red and yellow peppers and capers in pasta - awesome! - and a lovely glass of wine. We walked over to World Market after that since all of their wine was one sale. Between the three of us we were able to fill a case and get the further 10% discount...again, score! Plus, I love World Market and never go there. All in all, it was a really good day.
I had the briefest of conversations with K and S about M and I kind of came to a mini-conclusion about the whole thing: much of our difficulties with him come from my lack of effective coping strategies, and that is in no way meant to translate into 'it's all my fault'. He's being a s**t but in return, I'm allowing it and making excuses for it. I can't explain it right now, I'll try thinking about more before I try again.
At any rate, he was quite decent when he came home, on time, for dinner tonight. He left again and I sat down to check email, etc. Now here's the thing about snooping into your kid's stuff. On one hand, it can be horrifying: you might find things that you don't really want to know and that throw you into a panic. Then again, it might be a good thing. You might find things that explain things, or that make you understand him better. Well, the other day I read through all of his emails on Myspace and was actually quite relieved and happy because the things he writes to girls (not girlfriends) are so nice and respectful. Today, I was in Word and I noticed that the last document printed was a poem he had written. (That's his new thing.) Well, how interesting was that! It was about being part of the "emo" culture, and, well...I won't share it here, but it really explained a lot. It talked about how being emo is all about trying to find the depression and awfulness in life (which, ironically, is in total contradiction to this rave/scene thing) and how you go around trying to act like everything sucks when actually 'you come from a loving home'. Quote, unquote.
Wow! That was like a jackpot for me. Suddenly, a million things made sense. I'm NOT doing anything wrong, he DOES know I love him. This IS all about him. OMG! That lifted such a weight off me, to know that it's all a cultural act; he doesn't really hate me. He doesn't really hate our family. It's just part of the image. So this is bizarre, insane, demented, but so much better than if it were true! I'm elated, to tell you the truth. I feel a thousand times better about him and me .... ok, nothing's changed between J and me, but one thing at a time.
And I know this doesn't really solve anything, but it sure changes the way I feel about it. Which, I think, will in turn change the way I react to everything. Hopefully.
So, that was my day. It's late and I have to get up at the crack of dawn to be in court at 8:00am. Not looking forward to it at all, but it's got to get done. I'll fill you in later in the day.
Love,
A
You asked with whom I was fighting last night and the answer is everyone. M, J and myself. The world. God. Whomever happened to cross my path, I guess. It was a horrible night. It started because M didn't come walking in the door until 7:45; prior to which J and I got in an argument about how to handle it. By the time M got home, I was already irate, so I ended up lighting into him worse than was necessary. Then J got mad at him. Then I went and tried to apologize to him but we got into a whole new argument. I finally just left altogether and sat in my closet. It's my weird safe place; it's the only place I can be in the absolute darkness, it's quiet, no one will bother me there. That took an hour of recuperation time, after which I apologized to everyone - including JJ, who sat through several F bombs and much crazy mother behavior.
Today, looking back at my actions, I wasn't that bad. I wasn't even unreasonable. J and I are on the edge so constantly anymore that a fight like that is always lingering on the tips of our tongues. We parent so completely differently that coming to any kind of compromise is virtually impossible for us. Our counseling session was terrible yesterday, to boot, so that didn't help. We were already tense. I was worried about M, J was simply mad at him.
I went out with the girls today and had fun. We went shopping at the new Nordstrom and I actually found two pairs of pants I liked and that fit. (Score!) We went to lunch at a place new to me and it was excellent - I had some kind of chicken with red and yellow peppers and capers in pasta - awesome! - and a lovely glass of wine. We walked over to World Market after that since all of their wine was one sale. Between the three of us we were able to fill a case and get the further 10% discount...again, score! Plus, I love World Market and never go there. All in all, it was a really good day.
I had the briefest of conversations with K and S about M and I kind of came to a mini-conclusion about the whole thing: much of our difficulties with him come from my lack of effective coping strategies, and that is in no way meant to translate into 'it's all my fault'. He's being a s**t but in return, I'm allowing it and making excuses for it. I can't explain it right now, I'll try thinking about more before I try again.
At any rate, he was quite decent when he came home, on time, for dinner tonight. He left again and I sat down to check email, etc. Now here's the thing about snooping into your kid's stuff. On one hand, it can be horrifying: you might find things that you don't really want to know and that throw you into a panic. Then again, it might be a good thing. You might find things that explain things, or that make you understand him better. Well, the other day I read through all of his emails on Myspace and was actually quite relieved and happy because the things he writes to girls (not girlfriends) are so nice and respectful. Today, I was in Word and I noticed that the last document printed was a poem he had written. (That's his new thing.) Well, how interesting was that! It was about being part of the "emo" culture, and, well...I won't share it here, but it really explained a lot. It talked about how being emo is all about trying to find the depression and awfulness in life (which, ironically, is in total contradiction to this rave/scene thing) and how you go around trying to act like everything sucks when actually 'you come from a loving home'. Quote, unquote.
Wow! That was like a jackpot for me. Suddenly, a million things made sense. I'm NOT doing anything wrong, he DOES know I love him. This IS all about him. OMG! That lifted such a weight off me, to know that it's all a cultural act; he doesn't really hate me. He doesn't really hate our family. It's just part of the image. So this is bizarre, insane, demented, but so much better than if it were true! I'm elated, to tell you the truth. I feel a thousand times better about him and me .... ok, nothing's changed between J and me, but one thing at a time.
And I know this doesn't really solve anything, but it sure changes the way I feel about it. Which, I think, will in turn change the way I react to everything. Hopefully.
So, that was my day. It's late and I have to get up at the crack of dawn to be in court at 8:00am. Not looking forward to it at all, but it's got to get done. I'll fill you in later in the day.
Love,
A
Feet
Hey, Amanda,
In general, I hate feet. Especially my own. I have gnarly looking toes that I kept covered for years. Honestly, I think I used to go to the beach in sneakers, taking them off at the blanket and burying them in the sand. I hardly ever wore sandals because I was embarrassed of my feet. Then I started teaching. Whoa.
Here were these young and mostly attractive girls and boys, all happily exposing body parts (some inappropriately so) with confidence I never had at their age, all wearing sandals. And some kids had toes uglier than me! I thought, okay, at least my feet have taken me through a couple decades more than they have traveled, they deserve to be ugly--poor things all trapped in shoes all these years. No wonder they're a little mangled looking. If my students can show their feet, I can show mine. So I got over it. Voila. Now I hate the time of year (now!) that I need to start covering up the bad boys.
Your toes, by the way, I recognize as the ones furthest to the right....
All is good here. I'm having a period from hell and am ready for a transfusion and an Advil drip, but other than that life is good. M and J are coming over tonight for chili so I thought I'd write now since I probably won't get a chance to write later. I know I still have my dinner at L's to write about and other things on my list to tell, and I promise to get around to them all eventually.
Hope all is well. Love, B
In general, I hate feet. Especially my own. I have gnarly looking toes that I kept covered for years. Honestly, I think I used to go to the beach in sneakers, taking them off at the blanket and burying them in the sand. I hardly ever wore sandals because I was embarrassed of my feet. Then I started teaching. Whoa.
Here were these young and mostly attractive girls and boys, all happily exposing body parts (some inappropriately so) with confidence I never had at their age, all wearing sandals. And some kids had toes uglier than me! I thought, okay, at least my feet have taken me through a couple decades more than they have traveled, they deserve to be ugly--poor things all trapped in shoes all these years. No wonder they're a little mangled looking. If my students can show their feet, I can show mine. So I got over it. Voila. Now I hate the time of year (now!) that I need to start covering up the bad boys.
Your toes, by the way, I recognize as the ones furthest to the right....
All is good here. I'm having a period from hell and am ready for a transfusion and an Advil drip, but other than that life is good. M and J are coming over tonight for chili so I thought I'd write now since I probably won't get a chance to write later. I know I still have my dinner at L's to write about and other things on my list to tell, and I promise to get around to them all eventually.
Hope all is well. Love, B
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Toes
There's something about being barefoot that lends itself to sanity. Mind you, I really hate being barefoot. The thought of it is endlessly appealing: carefree, uninhibited, edgy, sexy. I always wanted to be that girl who went barefoot everywhere, who simply couldn't wear shoes because it's so restricting. The girl whose Indian print, crepe skirt brushed the tops of her unpolished, tanned toes, or whose shredded, faded Levis wrinkled under her caloused yet beautiful heels - but no, that wasn't me. My toes were (and are, come to think of it) perfectly polished, always. Scrubbed and exfoliated into unnatural states of smoothness, simply to tuck them into expensive sandals. Usually high heeled, frequently impractical, but always adorable. Barefoot is far too au natural for me. Barefoot usually means that something yucky is going to get stuck to the bottom of my foot. That I'm going to contract some awful disease or that, simply, my feet aren't all that pretty and they really need to be accessorized. It means that my back will hurt later from lack of arch support and that I will have to get a pedicure ASAP.
But the moments in my life when being barefoot is ok - there are a few - are the ones in which I see myself most clearly. On the beach, with my boys. In the shower, with no place to hide. And at the firepit, all summer, feeling alive and worry free and empowered and, yes, beautiful. I already miss my summer, the late nights with no concerns for bedtimes or workdays. I miss the conversations and the way we let our guards down around that fire. In some ways, it was like therapy, sitting there with our toes and hearts warming to each other. I am sad that when summer ends, we retreat into our homes like turtles, a little for protection, a little out of fear that something dangerous may be around the corner now that the sun isn't here to protect us. I can't wait for it to return, for us all to come out of our hiding places and invite the sun back in, to kick off our shoes, our cares and worries, and prop our toes up on that stone hearth again.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Smooth Sailing...For Now
Hi Barb,
Sounds like you made some great memories this weekend - even though I haven't read about your cena Italiano yet! I can't wait to hear! (I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love again and I'm more convinced than ever now that you must read it. Hence, I am sending to you. I am hoping you will love it; if you don't, feel free to lie to me.) Neat picture, too!
Our weekend went relatively smoothly. M started off in a great mood and we had a good day Friday; Saturday we came home for JJ's first football game (they lost, but only by a touchdown!) and M actually voluntarily came with us...that's very unusual. He kind of lost his good mood steam later that day and started whining about having to spend time with his family, but we did a fairly good job of ignoring his sorry butt and having fun anyway. JJ caught three fish - a couple of little guys and a 13 inch trout, of which he was quite proud. Of course we don't eat the fish because no one really likes them and God knows I'm not about to cut and clean anything. So we sent them all back into the lake with little injured lips.
Sunday night we gathered over at S&T's for leftover camping food (T had been hunting all weekend). We grilled up steaks and beer kielbasas, finished off all the potato and macaroni salads and most of the beers...even M came over and joined us for dinner (again, unusual) and was very pleasant. R&K showed up later after having been out to dinner elsewhere - it was nice to catch up with everyone since I had more or less sequestered myself in my house last week and had very little communication with the outside world. I drank too much before I ate though and ended up a little more sloshed than I had hoped for - but not in a way that I woke up this morning with the address for an AA meeting clenched in my hand. I just have to remember that I have to eat sometime between 9 and 6 if I'm going to drink at 6:05.
Today I actually got up and went to the gym (I had to think to remember where it was) but didn't do jack the rest of the day. I have to say though, the workout went a long way as far as feeling good goes. I can't wait to go to my eval tomorrow and feel like something is going to change. If I have another week like last week, I'm not going to make it very long.
As it is, today was exhausting and, like I said, I hardly did a thing. By the time JJ's homework and the laundry were done, I was done too. The highlight of my day, though? I got my paperwork back for court on Thursday and I just found out that K is going to owe me over TWICE what he's been paying me since April in child support. Now, I'm not in this for the raping and pillaging, but it did feel pretty good to know that he is going to be held accountable for something in all of this. Since he won't take any responsibility for being a real father, this is at least something. Boy, he's going to have a meltdown when he sees those numbers though. Sort of puts a smile on my face, in a mean and horrible and unashamedly satisfying kind of way.
More tomorrow,
Love,
A
Sounds like you made some great memories this weekend - even though I haven't read about your cena Italiano yet! I can't wait to hear! (I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love again and I'm more convinced than ever now that you must read it. Hence, I am sending to you. I am hoping you will love it; if you don't, feel free to lie to me.) Neat picture, too!
Our weekend went relatively smoothly. M started off in a great mood and we had a good day Friday; Saturday we came home for JJ's first football game (they lost, but only by a touchdown!) and M actually voluntarily came with us...that's very unusual. He kind of lost his good mood steam later that day and started whining about having to spend time with his family, but we did a fairly good job of ignoring his sorry butt and having fun anyway. JJ caught three fish - a couple of little guys and a 13 inch trout, of which he was quite proud. Of course we don't eat the fish because no one really likes them and God knows I'm not about to cut and clean anything. So we sent them all back into the lake with little injured lips.
Sunday night we gathered over at S&T's for leftover camping food (T had been hunting all weekend). We grilled up steaks and beer kielbasas, finished off all the potato and macaroni salads and most of the beers...even M came over and joined us for dinner (again, unusual) and was very pleasant. R&K showed up later after having been out to dinner elsewhere - it was nice to catch up with everyone since I had more or less sequestered myself in my house last week and had very little communication with the outside world. I drank too much before I ate though and ended up a little more sloshed than I had hoped for - but not in a way that I woke up this morning with the address for an AA meeting clenched in my hand. I just have to remember that I have to eat sometime between 9 and 6 if I'm going to drink at 6:05.
Today I actually got up and went to the gym (I had to think to remember where it was) but didn't do jack the rest of the day. I have to say though, the workout went a long way as far as feeling good goes. I can't wait to go to my eval tomorrow and feel like something is going to change. If I have another week like last week, I'm not going to make it very long.
As it is, today was exhausting and, like I said, I hardly did a thing. By the time JJ's homework and the laundry were done, I was done too. The highlight of my day, though? I got my paperwork back for court on Thursday and I just found out that K is going to owe me over TWICE what he's been paying me since April in child support. Now, I'm not in this for the raping and pillaging, but it did feel pretty good to know that he is going to be held accountable for something in all of this. Since he won't take any responsibility for being a real father, this is at least something. Boy, he's going to have a meltdown when he sees those numbers though. Sort of puts a smile on my face, in a mean and horrible and unashamedly satisfying kind of way.
More tomorrow,
Love,
A
Tuckered Out
C following big sister S through the maze
Hi, A.
After a very active day with S and C today ...breakfast out, a scavenger hunt in a corn maze, pumpkin patches, and painting pumpkins (at a different farm/our second stop--thereby creating a new tradition for C and S) as our adventure; followed by making homemade lemonade (with the lemons left over from making a batch of limoncello with J); then scrap booking with S while C napped; then making homemade croutons for our salad for dinner...I am pooped. I got stuck in traffic on the way home (what normally takes just under an hour took and hour and 45 minutes) and I still have to get my ducks in a row so I'm short on time to write. Suffice it to say for now that I had a blast. The kids are so precious and we had so much fun--both when we were out and about and when they were wearing aprons and being my little sous chefs.
Sunday night dinner, which turned into a party of a sort, is a story in and of itself and I can't wait to write more about that too.
No school for my students tomorrow, but a professional day for me. Frankly, I am tempted to call out. I am gearing up for a killer period, and I overdrew an account that will charge ridiculous fees if I don't get there tomorrow ASAP to deposit some money. Even if I call in late, I could get to the bank as soon as it opens. (We don't start until 8. I could get there 9ish.) (God I hate when I do sh*t like this!)
Hope you had a good weekend, too--all the fun stuff sans the accounting errors, that is.
Love, Barb
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Buon Appetito
Hi, Amanda,
I hope you had a good weekend away. My chili is done (I am having friends over Wednesday), and my mimosa is almost empty, so I am ready to hit the shower and pack for my overnight with S and C. My brother-in-law invited a colleague over for dinner who, like me, loves everything Italian but, unlike me, actually is Italian! She is coming with her boyfriend and--get this--dinner in tow! Apparently she's bringing 3 different Italian dishes for dinner. I can't wait. I made peanut butter chocolate bars for dessert and will bring those along with my appetite. I'm really looking forward to it.
The first half of my weekend (I really love 3-day weekends!) has been good. I had dinner with my cousin, D (the other cousin D's younger sister) on Friday night and then we went to the craft store together. Yesterday I ran errands, visited with my parents, and relaxed. I let myself sleep in yesterday and today and I feel rested. Good thing, I suppose, since I never really sleep well at L's. As you know, though, I am willing to sacrifice the sleep for the smiling faces and my auntie time.
Hope to read all about your weekend when I get back. Take care.
Love, Barb
I hope you had a good weekend away. My chili is done (I am having friends over Wednesday), and my mimosa is almost empty, so I am ready to hit the shower and pack for my overnight with S and C. My brother-in-law invited a colleague over for dinner who, like me, loves everything Italian but, unlike me, actually is Italian! She is coming with her boyfriend and--get this--dinner in tow! Apparently she's bringing 3 different Italian dishes for dinner. I can't wait. I made peanut butter chocolate bars for dessert and will bring those along with my appetite. I'm really looking forward to it.
The first half of my weekend (I really love 3-day weekends!) has been good. I had dinner with my cousin, D (the other cousin D's younger sister) on Friday night and then we went to the craft store together. Yesterday I ran errands, visited with my parents, and relaxed. I let myself sleep in yesterday and today and I feel rested. Good thing, I suppose, since I never really sleep well at L's. As you know, though, I am willing to sacrifice the sleep for the smiling faces and my auntie time.
Hope to read all about your weekend when I get back. Take care.
Love, Barb
Friday, October 10, 2008
Parenting
Very powerful, Amanda. For anyone who wants to know how it feels to be a parent: there it is.
Hope you have a good weekend, that both of your sons can be on the same wavelength and bring you joy this weekend.
Take care. Love, Barb
Hope you have a good weekend, that both of your sons can be on the same wavelength and bring you joy this weekend.
Take care. Love, Barb
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Just a Random Act
Dear Barb,
My evening is quiet, my family is out, and I'm here at my desk, a glass of cheap (but good cheap) red blend in my hand and a full belly. My time is limited, I know. They're only on a trip to the store for a fishing license and some last minute groceries, but I'll take it.
As I finish the dishes and tidy up my kitchen, I am wandering a bit aimlessly because I'm confused by M's behavior at dinner. If I said that he has been contentious and unbearable all day, then suddenly, at dinner, for no apparent reason, is amiable, kind and respecful, (not to mention, on time and hungry) wouldn't that confuse you too?
It occurs to me that parenting is not linear. It's not chronological, or even sequential. It's scattered, like the photographs I keep of their childhoods: some in this box, some in that drawer, a few in this album, many still trapped in the computer. Parenting, I think, is an every day, random act of love, knowledge, wisdom, error, fear, hope and courage, with nothing you learned yesterday playing any real significant part in what you do today. It's a constant challenge of heart that is confusing at best, debilitating at its worst. Someone, I wish I knew who, once said that having a child is "like walking around with your heart outside of your body for the rest of your life." I'm sure I have never heard anything so true. Every moment of my life, my heart is out there, learning, growing, hurting, loving and moving, ever so slowly, farther away from me. I watch it, split in two but multiplied by a thousand, explore and create and come back to me for a second; I turn my back and reach out my hand for it in the same instant. I keep it close, I let it go, I am afraid it will get lost but I am certain that it will know its way home in the end.
I think sometimes that it should all happen like their school pictures - kindergarten, first grade, second grade, all fitting neatly, one behind the other in the frame, hanging in the hall. But that's not the way it is. In one moment they can be a small child and a wise adult; in one body they can be terrified, but fearless. There is no logical pattern from which I can derive expectations; I want to anticipate what this next day will bring, but I can't. There is nothing to follow, nothing to refer to. It seems as though there should be, don't get me wrong. Life assumes that we learn from our mistakes but in reality, we learn only from and in the present, truly. We learn that yesterday, the greatest love we know will have been tested to its very limits, and today, we will be able to express that very same love in its deepest form. No conditions, no provisions.
M is out tonight, courting a new girl named A. I don't know her, but I know one thing. She sees in my son the goodness, the heart, the intensity and the passion that pulls me to him no matter how desperately he tries to push me away. She sees in him the five year old kid and the 40 year old man, the funny guy and the guy who self professes to love too much. Yes, that's my kid. The one who loves so much it hurts. I am proud that he gets that from me and I am angry at God for giving him that same cross to bear his whole life. I don't suppose I'd have it any other way; if loving too deeply is his greatest flaw, so be it. Like my father and me, one day we will both be able to see that the core of our discontent comes mostly from being cut from the same cloth. M is just like me, just like his Grandad - I should have known.
I can tell you stories about JJ and his bright outlook on everything in life because it's easy. It's happy and positive, and even when he's missing the bus and making himself miserable, I'm able to sit and laugh about it. It seems that all I ever tell you about M is how he's breaking my heart but I think you probably already read between the lines. He breaks my heart not because he's leaving, but because I have to let him go; I have to help him find the courage to walk away and the strength to know that I will always, always be here when he comes back.
My boys are home. Perfect timing.
Love you, A
My evening is quiet, my family is out, and I'm here at my desk, a glass of cheap (but good cheap) red blend in my hand and a full belly. My time is limited, I know. They're only on a trip to the store for a fishing license and some last minute groceries, but I'll take it.
As I finish the dishes and tidy up my kitchen, I am wandering a bit aimlessly because I'm confused by M's behavior at dinner. If I said that he has been contentious and unbearable all day, then suddenly, at dinner, for no apparent reason, is amiable, kind and respecful, (not to mention, on time and hungry) wouldn't that confuse you too?
It occurs to me that parenting is not linear. It's not chronological, or even sequential. It's scattered, like the photographs I keep of their childhoods: some in this box, some in that drawer, a few in this album, many still trapped in the computer. Parenting, I think, is an every day, random act of love, knowledge, wisdom, error, fear, hope and courage, with nothing you learned yesterday playing any real significant part in what you do today. It's a constant challenge of heart that is confusing at best, debilitating at its worst. Someone, I wish I knew who, once said that having a child is "like walking around with your heart outside of your body for the rest of your life." I'm sure I have never heard anything so true. Every moment of my life, my heart is out there, learning, growing, hurting, loving and moving, ever so slowly, farther away from me. I watch it, split in two but multiplied by a thousand, explore and create and come back to me for a second; I turn my back and reach out my hand for it in the same instant. I keep it close, I let it go, I am afraid it will get lost but I am certain that it will know its way home in the end.
I think sometimes that it should all happen like their school pictures - kindergarten, first grade, second grade, all fitting neatly, one behind the other in the frame, hanging in the hall. But that's not the way it is. In one moment they can be a small child and a wise adult; in one body they can be terrified, but fearless. There is no logical pattern from which I can derive expectations; I want to anticipate what this next day will bring, but I can't. There is nothing to follow, nothing to refer to. It seems as though there should be, don't get me wrong. Life assumes that we learn from our mistakes but in reality, we learn only from and in the present, truly. We learn that yesterday, the greatest love we know will have been tested to its very limits, and today, we will be able to express that very same love in its deepest form. No conditions, no provisions.
M is out tonight, courting a new girl named A. I don't know her, but I know one thing. She sees in my son the goodness, the heart, the intensity and the passion that pulls me to him no matter how desperately he tries to push me away. She sees in him the five year old kid and the 40 year old man, the funny guy and the guy who self professes to love too much. Yes, that's my kid. The one who loves so much it hurts. I am proud that he gets that from me and I am angry at God for giving him that same cross to bear his whole life. I don't suppose I'd have it any other way; if loving too deeply is his greatest flaw, so be it. Like my father and me, one day we will both be able to see that the core of our discontent comes mostly from being cut from the same cloth. M is just like me, just like his Grandad - I should have known.
I can tell you stories about JJ and his bright outlook on everything in life because it's easy. It's happy and positive, and even when he's missing the bus and making himself miserable, I'm able to sit and laugh about it. It seems that all I ever tell you about M is how he's breaking my heart but I think you probably already read between the lines. He breaks my heart not because he's leaving, but because I have to let him go; I have to help him find the courage to walk away and the strength to know that I will always, always be here when he comes back.
My boys are home. Perfect timing.
Love you, A
Pick Me
Finally, a somewhat quiet minute to write...
I really loved reading about your conversation with JJ and his positive attitude. I swear, there is definitely something intrinsic in some of us that makes us able to turn things around. What some of us would suffer from and end up in therapy discussing: I never got picked first, all my life I felt like no one wanted me. I spent years thinking pick me, pick me (remember that?), others hardly notice or bounce back from. It's how I explain families in which siblings are at different levels of functioning and adjustment despite growing up in the same house with the same alcoholic parent, you know?
Funny, but I was just saying to my friend and colleague J, in reaction to some stupid sh*t I saw go on in the hallway, "for a town that purports to be so uppity, there sure is a lot of white trash around here." From there we got into a conversation about how I was a blue collar girl, a have-not among haves I felt for a long time in my life. But I took advantage of opportunities, did the fake it till you make it thing. And there are kids here who clearly do not have the means of most that I want to shake and say, You want to go through life like PWT? Come on, now! Step up, rise above! You want to keep acting like trash or do you want to make something of yourself? It's frustrating. I don't know how they don't have it in them, but that's the point, I think some people just don't have it, whatever "it" is, in them. I think sometimes all the best parenting in the world can't make up for something inside. Just as a sh*tload of bad parenting can still turn out a good kid.
But anyway, now I am WAY off track. I am glad that JJ has that positive glass half full spirit in him. And that he has good parents...
Okay, I should probably pay a little more attention now to these kids I am paid to teach. After school I am meeting C at TGIFriday's. I want to hit a Home Goods to look for frames for the photos that came in, and that's in her neck of the woods (our school is in between her home area and mine). We're both on a budget, but she has been out sick all week and we need to catch up and she has a coupon, so we thought it was okay to go there. (But, by the way, we're still boycotting our favorite place--so even if we had more money we'd wouldn't go there.)
I'll check in tonight. Love, Barb
I really loved reading about your conversation with JJ and his positive attitude. I swear, there is definitely something intrinsic in some of us that makes us able to turn things around. What some of us would suffer from and end up in therapy discussing: I never got picked first, all my life I felt like no one wanted me. I spent years thinking pick me, pick me (remember that?), others hardly notice or bounce back from. It's how I explain families in which siblings are at different levels of functioning and adjustment despite growing up in the same house with the same alcoholic parent, you know?
Funny, but I was just saying to my friend and colleague J, in reaction to some stupid sh*t I saw go on in the hallway, "for a town that purports to be so uppity, there sure is a lot of white trash around here." From there we got into a conversation about how I was a blue collar girl, a have-not among haves I felt for a long time in my life. But I took advantage of opportunities, did the fake it till you make it thing. And there are kids here who clearly do not have the means of most that I want to shake and say, You want to go through life like PWT? Come on, now! Step up, rise above! You want to keep acting like trash or do you want to make something of yourself? It's frustrating. I don't know how they don't have it in them, but that's the point, I think some people just don't have it, whatever "it" is, in them. I think sometimes all the best parenting in the world can't make up for something inside. Just as a sh*tload of bad parenting can still turn out a good kid.
But anyway, now I am WAY off track. I am glad that JJ has that positive glass half full spirit in him. And that he has good parents...
Okay, I should probably pay a little more attention now to these kids I am paid to teach. After school I am meeting C at TGIFriday's. I want to hit a Home Goods to look for frames for the photos that came in, and that's in her neck of the woods (our school is in between her home area and mine). We're both on a budget, but she has been out sick all week and we need to catch up and she has a coupon, so we thought it was okay to go there. (But, by the way, we're still boycotting our favorite place--so even if we had more money we'd wouldn't go there.)
I'll check in tonight. Love, Barb
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