Crazy Day

Hey, Barb,

What a great title for that post. Before I even read the content, I knew exactly what kind of day you were having. :)

So I take it W is still not employed...that sucks. Tough on him, but yes, tough on you too. Is he only looking locally or would he consider moving? (Not that I have any ideas, I was just curious.) My thoughts are with him (and you); these are really crappy times. Hang in there...both of you.

I had one of those days yesterday that felt like all I did was get in and out of my car over and over again from breakfast until dinner. Sometimes, I don't mind that; I end up feeling really productive at the end of the day since so many things get crossed off the day's list. It wasn't that kind of day, though. I went shopping with KB (and out to lunch) which was awesome, as usual. We might as well quit paying counselors and just have lunch once a week, it's that therapeutic. We're on all the same meds, pretty much sharing all the same crap in our heads. I had to be home in time to take M to his counselor (with J) then get JJ to his football game in time for practice, back home to get his coat and drop off M, then back to the game, then to T&S's to catch the last four innings of the World Series and scarf down some fajitas.

I walked in the door at 9:00 or so - I don't really remember - and felt like I hadn't done a thing all day long. I drank three glasses of wine at dinner so by the time I went to bed, I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned until 12:30. I finally came downstairs and curled up on the couch to think - meditate/pray, it's my new thing - and try to calm down my brain.

I was literally nauseous about M, after our counseling appt revealed that he just doesn't like being part of a family, period. Not like he doesn't like our family, and we can do something to rectify that. Then, I ran into a friend of mine at football who happens to live a couple of doors down from this kid he's been hanging out with since school started (S). I have never liked this kid, mostly based on his family and my assumptions about them based on, well, nothing, really. I went to their house a couple of times when the kids were younger and there was never any parental supervision. And the house stunk like dogs and cigarettes. Oh yeah, and the oldest son was in jail. Nothing's changed much, either about the kid, his family or my opinion, but I feel that M's old enough to pick his friends. Ok, I don't really believe that, I just think I'm supposed to. Anyway, I asked my friend, L, if she sees M and S hanging out down there in her cul-de-sac, and when she learns that the two of them are friends, she kind of freaks out.

Without reenacting our conversation, suffice to say that the oldest son was in jail a few years ago because he's a sex offender. My suspicions about mom being a pot smoker are pretty much now confirmed, or at least L thinks the same thing. Evidently, mom is only 36 years old or so. (I've never met her.) I think the oldest son is like 21, so off goes another judgemental alarm. (It might also explain why she's such the cool mom, and why she sends my son text messages...jokes, not personal stuff, but still.) To top off all of that, I was completely convinced that he was completely stoned out of his mind when he came home (from there) last night.

The last part of this before I tried to go to bed was that I brought it up to J. I said, "What do you think about the stuff L told me?" He shrugged his shoulders and said "Nothing." "Do you think we should do anything about it?" I asked. "No, what do you want to do about it?" Clearly, we were not going to have a conversation about parenting. We were not going to talk about the problems with our kid or how we'll solve them. I'm sure we never will.

I couldn't shut down the worry in my head to save my life. Worried sick really does mean that; I was nauseous. So I sat there for awhile in the dark, talking to God, praying for my mind to stop. Finally, I think I fell asleep, although I was in and out all night long. (This I attribute to the alcohol, I really think it's time I stopped drinking. And not because I have a problem, but because it messes with my sleep something fierce.)

I woke up this morning and found an email from this Love and Logic company. They send parenting tips every few days. Today's was about choosing our battles. It calmed me down from the minute I read it; I felt like it was a gift from...God...telling me that today, I can handle this. At one in the morning I was in a fit because I had convinced myself that this woman (S' mom) is preying on my son. Today, I have a bit more clarity.

I hope your day is going well - less of a funk than yesterday, although there's nothing wrong with a good funk now and again.

Love,
A