More Clarity

Hey Barb,

You asked with whom I was fighting last night and the answer is everyone. M, J and myself. The world. God. Whomever happened to cross my path, I guess. It was a horrible night. It started because M didn't come walking in the door until 7:45; prior to which J and I got in an argument about how to handle it. By the time M got home, I was already irate, so I ended up lighting into him worse than was necessary. Then J got mad at him. Then I went and tried to apologize to him but we got into a whole new argument. I finally just left altogether and sat in my closet. It's my weird safe place; it's the only place I can be in the absolute darkness, it's quiet, no one will bother me there. That took an hour of recuperation time, after which I apologized to everyone - including JJ, who sat through several F bombs and much crazy mother behavior.

Today, looking back at my actions, I wasn't that bad. I wasn't even unreasonable. J and I are on the edge so constantly anymore that a fight like that is always lingering on the tips of our tongues. We parent so completely differently that coming to any kind of compromise is virtually impossible for us. Our counseling session was terrible yesterday, to boot, so that didn't help. We were already tense. I was worried about M, J was simply mad at him.

I went out with the girls today and had fun. We went shopping at the new Nordstrom and I actually found two pairs of pants I liked and that fit. (Score!) We went to lunch at a place new to me and it was excellent - I had some kind of chicken with red and yellow peppers and capers in pasta - awesome! - and a lovely glass of wine. We walked over to World Market after that since all of their wine was one sale. Between the three of us we were able to fill a case and get the further 10% discount...again, score! Plus, I love World Market and never go there. All in all, it was a really good day.

I had the briefest of conversations with K and S about M and I kind of came to a mini-conclusion about the whole thing: much of our difficulties with him come from my lack of effective coping strategies, and that is in no way meant to translate into 'it's all my fault'. He's being a s**t but in return, I'm allowing it and making excuses for it. I can't explain it right now, I'll try thinking about more before I try again.

At any rate, he was quite decent when he came home, on time, for dinner tonight. He left again and I sat down to check email, etc. Now here's the thing about snooping into your kid's stuff. On one hand, it can be horrifying: you might find things that you don't really want to know and that throw you into a panic. Then again, it might be a good thing. You might find things that explain things, or that make you understand him better. Well, the other day I read through all of his emails on Myspace and was actually quite relieved and happy because the things he writes to girls (not girlfriends) are so nice and respectful. Today, I was in Word and I noticed that the last document printed was a poem he had written. (That's his new thing.) Well, how interesting was that! It was about being part of the "emo" culture, and, well...I won't share it here, but it really explained a lot. It talked about how being emo is all about trying to find the depression and awfulness in life (which, ironically, is in total contradiction to this rave/scene thing) and how you go around trying to act like everything sucks when actually 'you come from a loving home'. Quote, unquote.

Wow! That was like a jackpot for me. Suddenly, a million things made sense. I'm NOT doing anything wrong, he DOES know I love him. This IS all about him. OMG! That lifted such a weight off me, to know that it's all a cultural act; he doesn't really hate me. He doesn't really hate our family. It's just part of the image. So this is bizarre, insane, demented, but so much better than if it were true! I'm elated, to tell you the truth. I feel a thousand times better about him and me .... ok, nothing's changed between J and me, but one thing at a time.

And I know this doesn't really solve anything, but it sure changes the way I feel about it. Which, I think, will in turn change the way I react to everything. Hopefully.

So, that was my day. It's late and I have to get up at the crack of dawn to be in court at 8:00am. Not looking forward to it at all, but it's got to get done. I'll fill you in later in the day.

Love,
A