No improvement

Hey there,

I thought I had sent my condolences in regards to the death of your friend's mom, but I didn't. I wrote a draft that I never sent. So I'm sending good thoughts for you and your colleagues at the wake tonight, and hoping that your administration did the right thing by approving bereavement leave for those involved.

My evening only got worse after I wrote yesterday. M and I got into an argument over it-doesn't-matter-what and J was trying to help but in the end just pissed me off by stopping me from expressing myself because the way in which I was doing it was counter-productive I guess. M just kept saying it sucks here. We asked him repeatedly, what is it about this life that is so horrible?, but he couldn't/wouldn't answer. Said he couldn't answer respectfully. Said he just wants us to leave him alone. Why can't you just leave me alone, give me some freedom? (This stemmed from asking him to call me when he goes places, or tell me where he's going - this, apparently, is invasive and absurd.) He kept threatening to leave; we'd ask him where he was planning to go and he would vaguely say, I have places to go.

Here are my thoughts: part of me knows that if I leave him alone, it will be the worst thing I could possibly do. I will lose him for sure and he will run away or disappear or fail out of school. The rest of me just wants to do it. I took his phone away from him last night and I'm thinking I have no real reason to give it back.

You want me to leave you alone? Happy to. Let me just get that phone back, the one I pay $60 a month for, and let me pull your computer privileges, because I pay for those too. I'll get you your own laundry basket so I don't have to take care of that, you can get up in the morning and make your own breakfast, you can figure out how you're going to get money some other way that doesn't involve me. If you want to go somewhere, I hope you can find a ride. If you want to come home after your curfew, I hope the front porch is comfortable because I'm locking the door at 9:00.

Honest to God, B, I am so tempted. I know this goes against all parenting rules - that I can't just let him go - but so much of me wants to. I didn't even care if he got on the bus this morning when he left the house. I don't care if he's in school today or if gets off the bus this afternoon. I am exhausted. I'm so tired of doing everything I can possibly think of to make his life better than it was, safer, more loving, more connected - and none of it's good enough.

The thing that makes it so much more unbearable is my relationship with J. I can't talk to him about any of it. We try to go to counseling but it doesn't do us any good. He only wants to be involved when it's directly affecting him (it was ruining his evening) or when he thinks I'm doing it wrong. We don't collaborate, we don't create plans on how to deal with things, we simply don't talk about anything. That argument last night ended with him letting me know that I wasn't handling things right (while M is still standing there); I threw up my hands and said "Forget it!" and left the room. I came back down a bit later and said "I'm sorry I started that fight then left you here with him to finish." His reply,"Thanks." End of conversation. I went to bed.

What I really want is for him to be on my side. And by that, I don't mean support my position. Just, how about a little sympathy? How about some emotional support? You think this is ruining your evening? What about mine?

Hmmmm....can't do this right now. I'm losing it.

Sorry - I'll check in later,
Love A