Paralysis with a Pinch of Clarity

Hey there,

It's Monday morning, flying by, although I've accomplished nothing and have a to-do list forever long. My head hurts, I'm tired, I ate fettucine Alfredo and Halloween candy for breakfast (seriously) and I still have the rest of his teenage years to survive. I don't know how I'm going to make it without becoming (staying?) a raging alcoholic, gaining 150 lbs or having to check into the psych ward. This week (I almost said "today", but I don't want to let myself down) I think I will go to an AA meeting. This week, I'm going to try to not drink. I don't want to, mind you. I have no desire at all to quit drinking. I think that's how I know - I think - I have a problem. And if I'm going to preach the no drugs-no drinking credo to my kids, perhaps I should work on role modeling.

M came home last night while we were at S&T's. We sat down and J talked to him for a short while. We told him that next Thursday, we're going to court to try to get custody of him, but we needed to know if that's what he wanted. The other option was to drop the case and send him back to his dad's house He said he wanted to stay here. We set down some ground rules and he agreed. We all agreed to go to family counseling. We told him we loved him. He said thanks. Everyone hugged and I slept, for once, last night.

This morning he wanted to leave early to ride his friend's bus instead of his own. I couldn't think of a good reason to say no, even though I'm pretty sure they were going to smoke pot before school. Why else do you need to do that? I have to call his counselor today and get hooked up with either her or someone else to get our whole family in. I dread it. I can barely move from this chair, and that's mostly only to get something else to eat, or move to the couch where I stare out the window for lengths of time, trying to avoid thinking.

I'm falling apart and I can't stop it. I have moments of normalcy where I throw in a load of laundry or empty the dishwasher or run some errands. I can leave the house, I can talk to strangers at the grocery store. I can get through the whole day without drinking, even a couple of days. But it's like I'm holding on for dear life the whole time, until I can get home and stop moving, stop doing, stop being a part of the real world. I can't talk on the phone. I avoid calls all day and return only those most necessary. I spend a lot of time trying not to cry because I think I'll never stop and because, for God's sake, aren't I stronger than that? I should be able to handle my teenager, my 10 year old, my job, my life.

On a more positive note, J and I had a great day yesterday. Funny thing is, I say great, when what I really mean is ok, but for us, it was great. We spent the first part of the day in Olympia (proofreading error - it was JJ who shook Gregoire's hand and chatted with her; he's still smiling about it) and went out to brunch in the city after the ceremonies. We walked on the pier and headed home by 1:00 in the afternoon. We didn't fight or shut down on each other once. We talked about M. We had sex in the middle of the day and napped afterwards. We ran errands together later and went to dinner and talked to each other. I remembered what it felt like to be in love with him, crazy in love, watching him in his element with the fire crews, watching him speak in public, holding my hand wherever we went. And suddenly, I had this moment of clarity where I saw that my mental health is maybe the cause of our discontent far more than I think it is. Maybe it's not that he ignores me, maybe I don't open up. Maybe he's no different than the people who call or stop by with whom I can barely converse.

So I should call my counselor today and make an appt. I should call a psych and get a serious meds check. I should get the family counseling set up. I should go to a meeting. I should go to the gym. I know all of this. I know what I should do, what I need to do; I wish I could explain how hard it is to do it. I know there are people out there who get this, who know what this feels like. I've never been here before and all I feel is paralyzed. Oh, yeah, I feel like a failure as a mom, too. Let's not forget that part.

B, I'm sorry this is my post for today. I know I don't have to apologize but I wish I could write about something lighter. The thing is, you would know I was lying anyway. I'll be fine, I'm sure. Something's gotta give here sooner or later. You didn't tell me about your artist's date - how'd it go? I hope you had an enjoyable weekend and Monday is starting off well for you.

Love, A