The PNW is Calling to You

Oh, I wish I could have dinner with you! I'm kind of a new salmon lover. I used to never like it, then a few years ago, a friend cooked some on the grill on a camping trip...hello! Ever since then, I'm all about salmon. Next time you come to visit, you should come during Copper River Salmon season (about three weeks in June) - honestly, I've never had better fish. We grilled it this summer when J's family was visiting and they thought they'd died and gone to heaven.

Our evening meal is not quite as impressive. Imagine. JJ had a bowl of soup and J had a PB&J before they headed out to football. M's not home yet; I had some leftover flank steak. And to answer your question about how I'm doing with the emotional eating, let's just say I ate that steak with my fingers sitting right here at the computer. So I guess I'd have to say I'm not doing very well. At least not with the "treating myself like a guest" part. As I mentioned a few days ago, my weight has stabilized, but I'm not losing. Of course, I'm not trying, at all. I eat whatever I want, whenever I'm hungry (I do try to pay close attention to that and I'm doing much better). I tend not to have late afternoon binges on chips and dips (standing at the kitchen counter) much anymore. I have gone to the gym twice this week, but I'm so unbelievably inconsistent, it does about as much good as if I didn't go at all. I definitely feel better on days when I go, but not like my pants fit better or anything.

The one difference I have really noticed from all this reading is actually a very positive one, even if weight loss isn't involved: I have dramatically cut back on the negative self-talk. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and spent five minutes telling myself how fat and ugly I am. I don't like the way I look, or feel. I still hate getting dressed and I hate being naked. But I'm not berating my body the way I used to. I try to be nice to it; I try to say positive things to myself when I'm feeling particularly huge. That's a big change for me; if I'm not dropping pounds that is at least worth a lot in itself.

My new super crazy meds may be helping with that. I have to say, Prozac rocks. No wonder everyone loves it. It has only been two weeks and I am already feeling significant effects; supposedly it doesn't even hit its full effectiveness until four weeks or more, and I'm not even at my full dosage yet. So I'm quite hopeful that this is going to be the ticket, at least for now. I notice that I am far less irritable (ok, except for the pumpkin carving thing) and I worry much less about M. This, I know, is in part due to meditating and breathing and taking Ambien when I need to so I'm not sleep deprived. (God, I'm a freakin' drug addict.) Also, I have tried really, really hard to keep things in perspective with him. Like I said the other day, he's not in jail. I still don't like it that he doesn't want to be/come home; I don't like that his grades are lower than that of which he is capable or that I think he's taking drugs. But I have to keep a clear picture; he's still in school . He hasn't skipped a single day this year. He doesn't have any more missing assignments. He sometimes talks to me. He's pretty nice to JJ. I mean, maybe I just expect more than I'm going to get from him.

Anyway, my time alone in a quiet house is dwindling away so I'm going to write elsewhere for a bit. I hope your dinner was as good as it sounded. And maybe the salmon reference, coupled with you looking for that Powell's postcard, is a sign...time to visit the PNW?

Love, A