Relationship Wrecker

Dear (no comma) Barb (comma)

I'm killing myself :) I was so happy to hear that you had a good time with M&V et al. I was a little worried for you - especially since I haven't heard how they are doing lately. And remember how I said I wanted to sit in your kitchen and watch you cook? That part where you had to modify for gluten-free at the last minute was truly impressive, Martha. I would've said "Oh, crap, I forgot. Ok, everyone! Coats on. We're going out." I don't even know for certain what gluten is, so I'm not sure if I would know if I had made something without it.

Just got home from the eye doctor in the city. We had a nice time, actually. We talked about M and our upcoming counseling appt (this will be J's first time coming with us). We decided to focus on our expectations and his privileges, and how those relate to each other. We (J and I) still are not talking about parenting on anywhere near the same plane, but at least we're talking. It's frustrating to feel as if I'm completely alone (maybe it is for him too?) and I wish we could come to some common ground, but the more we go to therapy, the more I am beginning to believe that's never going to happen. I just think it's something we won't ever be able to do together (as much as that will f up all of our kids in the end) so I'll do the best I can on my end.

My battle with M this morning began last night when I read on Family Access that he had three missing assignments (including a test) and detention for a fourth. I tried to call him, but his phone was dead. I tried to call his friend's phone and his friend's house, to no avail. Fortunately, they usually hang out at the Park and Ride just at the end of our street, so I drove down there and found him. I told him he was grounded for a) lying to me (told me he had no missing work) and b) we simply don't allow missing work, and that he would be grounded until all the work was made up, whether he got credit for it or not. Naturally, he had a meltdown over that, because, as he said, "I'm not like you!" I can only assume that, by this, he meant that not completing school work is some kind of character trait, to which I really wanted to answer, "You're right. I would have about ten missing assignments, but that's not the point."

He did get in the car though. Then he said, "I was supposed to hang out with A this afternoon." I told him I guessed that wasn't going to happen. He asked, "Well, what am I supposed to tell her?" I said, "Tell her you didn't do your homework and you're grounded." He fell silent for a minute, then with pain and venom dripping from his voice, he asked "Why are you trying to ruin my relationship with A?"

OMG, did I almost burst out laughing! That was classic! But I did the parenting-by-the-book-right-thing and said, "Honey, I'm not the one who didn't do my chemistry. This has nothing to do with A." He came home, did the homework and I did get confirmation from each of his teachers today. But this morning, when he got up at 6:00 and was ready to head out the door to S's house, I reminded him that he was still grounded and couldn't go to S's today. He didn't like that much; he told me loudly and rudely, "I took a piss test for you so I could go to S's house in the mornings and now you're telling me I can't go." And back and forth it went, until I was told that I'm a power hungry control freak, yada, yada, yada.

So I did what my mother told me would solve all my problems - she said I should just walk away and leave him yelling at the wall. I'm not so sure it'll solve everything, but it ended that altercation for the time being. She's right, though. in many ways. I do over-engage and exacerbate the situation with him. I also allow him to twist me up with comments like "You never listen to me, you always walk away" and the like. Then I get all terrified that I'm not giving him a voice...oh for God's sake, I'm f***in' sick and tired of his voice.

That was the story - but I hadn't even had coffee yet! Argh!! He's upstairs now finishing other work for tomorrow that I found out was missing today...he's not making a lot of progress at this rate. I need to go - C called earlier and I need to get back to her. I'll check in later to see if write tonight.
Love,
A