A Shift in Thinking

Hi there,

No kidding about the eight hours of sleep. Me too...only eight isn't always enough. I'm glad you have a "different" lab planned, but I have to ask, do you end up babysitting them on the computers too? I absolutely hated computer lab time...all I did was walk around trying to be present and then going back to my main screen and clicking people out of whatever inappropriate website they happened to be on at any given moment. Those would be the same kids asking for an extension on the paper because they didn't have enough computer time. Go figure.

Ok, it's Tuesday. I'm much better today, actually. Relatively speaking. I made appointments yesterday with both my counselor and a new psychiatrist for a psych eval and new meds. I did all kinds of little s**t I needed to do, making appts. for J, calling people back, cancelling subscriptions, that sort of thing, and felt productive at the end of the day. I couldn't get off that easily, though. After dinner, M asked me if he could wait at S's bus stop in the mornings. When my answer, no, wasn't accepted, I gave two valid reasons. He even admitted they were valid. But he kept pushing and pushing until I ended the conversation by leaving the room. When J got home, I filled him in and we talked to M together about it.

In some moment of clarity (they're becoming more frequent now) I realized that not letting him wait at someone else's bus stop was not going to ruin his life. Nor is it unreasonable. Or unfair. Or abusive. Wow! Really? I'm not a bad mom? Something shifted in me; I looked at him across the room, sitting on the couch with his hair in his face and his posture oozing anger and hatred, and I thought, for the first time, really, that I'm letting him control me. Just like I let his Dad control me all those years ago. Nothing, and I mean nothing, we are doing as parents is any of things he says - that we are invasive and unfair and treat him like a baby. Intellectually, I have always known this to be true, but emotionally, he winds me up so tight I can't think straight and I spend all my time second-guessing everything I say, every decision I make.

Something about letting J in - emotionally - on Sunday, is working for me. Talking to him, whether I think he's listening or not. Sharing with him, telling him things I wouldn't normally because I think he's ignoring me. On Sunday, at S&T's, I was talking to S and he walked up to give her a hello hug and kiss. This he does as I continue talking, which I think is perfectly appropriate. But then, he starts talking to her, right over me! My normal response? I stop talking in the middle of my sentence and walk away. Pissed. Then I probably don't talk to him the rest of the night. (wow, mature, huh?) But this time, I just looked at him and said, "I'm talking. You're interrupting." He stopped and looked at me, smiled, kissed me on the cheek and said "I'm sorry, you were talking. Thanks for calling me on that." And the rest of the night was good. And I felt good, saying that. Later in the evening, S was getting on her boys for something and they weren't listening. Suddenly, T jumps off the couch and starts yelling at the kids. She just turns around and yells in his face "Shut your big gaping pie hole! I have this covered. Go sit your ass down!" And he laughs, kisses her, and goes back to the couch. (This is totally normal for them.) I said to J, "Wow, honey, maybe we should talk to each other like that" and he responded, "Oh shut up." Everyone laughed, including us, and it was like a whole new window opened up for me.

I don't stick up for myself. Then I blame everyone for walking all over me. Huh, imagine. I don't talk, then I blame everyone for not listening to me. I certainly don't trust my own judgement with M, then I get all twisted up because he manipulates me. Whose problem is this, really? I'm drowning in this sea of loneliness that I created, I think. I think I can fix this, and I'm not having a manic moment of bi-polar disorder either. I will definitely still go for my psych eval because I know that chemically things aren't right. And I know that we need to be in counseling. But honestly, B, I think I've just dug myself into this stupid hole all by myself.

This morning, when M came down for breakfast, he was decent enough to say thank you for breakfast. But then we had this brief conversation about his grades (one A (in English of all things) 4 B's and a C in Chemistry.) I said I knew that a C in anything is not his best effort, and that keeping his grades up is the condition for having certain privileges. He started to get all pissy about it, but just left the room. When the bus came, instead of coming in and giving me a hug, saying goodbye, etc. which he normally does, he calls from the front door, "I'm leaving" - slam! And I was able to take a deep breath, gather up some positive thoughts in my head and go on. Instead of standing in the middle of kitchen and bursting into tears (per usual).

I know this isn't a permanent or easy move for me, but it is kind of an aha! moment. And talking to J is really helping me these past couple of days. Which brings me to this next thing....

This morning I was cleaning candy wrappers off M's floor after closing his window. There was a piece of notebook paper folded up in quarters on his desk, so I opened it (because I believe in being nosy - I didn't look in his drawers but I'm not above it.) It was a drawing of some kind of pipe, and it was actually labelled on one end, "pipe" and the other end "bud". So tell me, do you think that's a reasonable sign? I do. My reaction a few days ago would have been to start crying, A), then 2) get all out of control scared and irrational, calling J, freaking out. Maybe even get on the internet and start looking for something - God knows what - just something. Instead, I folded the paper back up and put it in my wallet. I thought I would talk to J about it tonight when he gets home. I don't need to call him in the middle of the day.

Then, a few minutes ago, my new/old friend KB called me and told me that they fired her husband this morning. They just moved him out here from eastern WA for God's sake, less than 2 months ago! She was really upset and on her way to a job interview, trying not to lose her mind. So I talked to her for awhile and did what I could to console her. Then, as I should, as a wife or a friend would be inclined to do, I wanted to call and share that horrible news with J. Not like he knows the guy or anything, it's just something you share, right? So I called him. I thought, I'll just call him in the middle of the day because that's what friends do, they share stuff all day long. And I'll put it out of my mind that I'm interrupting his work, or that he's not interested or that it can wait. I'll tell him about the paper too. We can talk about stuff sometime other than after dinner, that's what partners do. He was in a meeting but said he'd call me back. I'm good with that.

I feel really good today. In fact, I need to get this stupid PTA newsletter finished and I actually have the drive to do it, as if I've freed up a little tiny space in my mind.

Ok, that's it from me this morning. Hope the lab went well...that you are still feeling good today too.
Love, A