Sometime

Hi, Barb,

Well, it's almost 3:00 and I have officially done nothing most of the day. I took the kids to the book fair this morning, including AG, Kim's daughter, because Kim had an early meeting. She brought $15 that Kim had given her, but when we got there, there was only one book she wanted, and it was $20. I kept telling her that she needed to find something in her price range (even though, of course, I just wanted to buy it for her right off the bat). She would wander around, look at other things, then come back to that table. She'd stand there, running her hand over the cover, longingly, then go looking again. It was killing me. Finally, I gave in and made up the difference. I couldn't stand it; it was a book for Pete's sake! As I was leaving her at her classroom door, she turned around with that book hugged closely to her chest, then so sincerely and so deliberately, she said "Thank you so much, Amanda." How easy it was to make a little kid's day, and how delighted I was that it was a book that did it!

I met K at the gym and was glad I did. I am having problems sleeping still and almost backed out on her in favor of going back to bed. But the cardio was good. I came home, did nothing for an hour, took a shower, then a nap. I woke up in time to get M's call from school that he "missed the bus", which I won't even pretend is true, but I didn't throw a fit. Conveniently, I guess all his friends had missed their buses too, because they all appeared to still be at school with him, which worked out well since he thought he'd just hang out there for awhile, if that was ok with me.

What a little s**t. I mean, honestly, I don't really care if he hangs out after school. It's not like it's a rough neighborhood. Of course, I know they go down to the river and do whatever it is teenagers do, down by the river, after school. But just ask me. Don't make up some b.s. lie. I am pretty sure he was stoned out of his mind last night when he came home from S' so it's time for another UA. This time I'm going to give him the one for all different kinds of drugs, not just pot. I think he might be doing Ecstasy. Who the f knows what's going on with him. I plan to write more about this so I'll stop with that.

I sat down to vent, I guess, about something else altogether. I know I have mentioned lately how J and I don't talk to each other. I try to be fair and honest when I say that, because I understand that most couples aren't talking to each other all the time. But the lack of communication between the two of us is extraordinary, I think. Yesterday, he came home from his trip at about 2:00 in the afternoon. We talked for about five (5) (FIVE) minutes about his trip and my day, then he sat down at the table with his lunch and the newspaper. I went about my stuff, folding laundry or whatever. He wasn't being rude or anything, but I thought, you know, he'd been gone a couple of days, maybe we'd catch up a little. I tried to start a conversation about I don't remember what, and when I got no response, I said,

"Everything ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." he said.
"Are you just tired?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm just not as talkative as you are."

Talkative? Huh??? Good Lord! I'm not kidding, B. Then I had to go get JJ for a doctor's appt and he wanted to come with me. Why??? I don't even understand. So he drives and I sit there and we don't talk all the way there. I'm so relieved when KB calls my cell phone and I can break the silence. We get to school but he doesn't bother to get out of the car. I go and wait for JJ at the gate by myself. Fortunately for me, JJ is "talkative" too, so we chatted all the way to the doctor. We ran a couple of errands after that, but I am absolutely serious when I say that if JJ hadn't been there, we probably wouldn't have spoken a single word to each other the entire hour. I made dinner when we got home and the three of us ate, each of us chatting a little with JJ. Then he went to T's for a drink.

I couldn't wait for him to leave. It's like there's something suspended in the air that makes it hard to breathe. I'm afraid to open my mouth because I either a) won't get a response or b)will get a response that hurts my feelings (in that it's short and dismissive). There's all kinds of stuff running through my head to chat about; I literally have to consciously not talk. OK, so I'm a Chatty Cathy and I truly don't need to talk as much as I do. I get that. I know that I could use a good dose of shut-my-mouth once in awhile. But really. What is up with this??? The thing that kills me is that when he comes home at 9:45, or whenever, he's ready for bed, and intimacy. Intimacy. Isn't that interesting? I recognize that this is a guy thing. Guys don't need to chat and catch up and feel validated before they have sex. But this is just a bit over the top. It seems like it's gotten much worse over the past couple of years; I can't imagine I haven't noticed this before.

Tonight he has a big meeting with the commissioners about the fire chief position. I haven't really been keeping you up to date on what's going on with that, but it's extremely stressful and frustrating. I know he's tied up in his head about it 24/7 (and trying not to be). Tonight, they may make a decision. When he got up this morning, he was dressed and out of here in such a hurry he hardly said goodbye. I didn't even really have time to say "good luck". When he came downstairs, I started to ask him a question about voting, to mention that these two guys running for sheriff sound like crackpots -you know, have a conversation - but he couldn't even stand still enough to listen. In mid-sentence, I just waved my hand and said, sarcastically, "Never mind. Bye." (Because sarcasm always helps.) So he stops, for two seconds, and looks mildly apologetic as he grabs his stuff and says "I'm late. Sorry. Bye."

Late. He's the f**ing head of the department. What exactly is it he's late for? Maybe he had a meeting. But you know what? There's a better way to handle that. That's all I'm saying.

It's just so much easier when he's not here and I don't have to try not to talk. JJ and I blabber away at each other all the time (or he blabbers away to himself, quite frequently). J doesn't talk much to the kids, but he talks to his friends all the time. Jesus, he and R can go on for hours. He and T talk up a storm. He'll even chat with K and S or anyone else...just not me. Tell me that's not a self-esteem blow. Obviously, I'm not very interesting.

A couple of weeks ago, at some dinner, Kim's husband was raving about my blog. He was telling T and J, and whomever else was listening, that I'm a good writer and he enjoys reading my stuff. Later in the evening, after everyone was gone, I said I was going to write for a bit.

"Yeah," he says, "J says he reads your blog every day. He says it's really good."
It is, I want to say, but you wouldn't know. "I guess," I say instead.
"I'll have to go on there and read it sometime." he says, like he's doing me a f***ing favor.

Sometime. Sometime, when I'm not totally consumed with my own life, my own work, my own world. Sometime, when it occurs to me that you might have gifts and talents too. Sometime, when you matter.

I thought, for a minute, to apologize here, to laugh at myself like I did about the pumpkin carving. But honestly, I don't feel like being sorry for feeling this way. I understand that feeling important and valid comes from within; I'm getting there. It sure would be easier without this s**t, though.

Thanks for listening...