Almost

Hi, Amanda.

Snow days are in my future, just not quite yet, I guess. Some bad weather is coming through today, but it's a little early in the day and the wintry mix is not quite wintry enough. I will say that in the past I have observed that we tend to get into weekly patterns, so snow on a Sunday makes me hopeful that I have Monday delays and snow days to look forward to this winter. Just not tomorrow.

I'm still not feeling quite right, but decided to do more than lie around today. I'm not quite up to decorating for Christmas, so I headed to the kitchen. I made more of my Italian sausage soup with the remaining half bag of baby spinach and the other three sausage links that were in my freezer--so I'm all set for lunch this week. And since I took chili out of the freezer too, I decided against making fra diavolo. While the game is on I'll throw a potato in the oven and will have a chili stuffed baked potato: something a little more football game-ish. Some night this week I'll make myself a nice dinner. Anyway, a little later, maybe after the game, I'll try to do some more organizing so that I can get those pictures taken and emailed to you. As you can imagine, I am still hemming and hawing (or as W would say: hemming and hahring; love that Bawston accent) about what to put where, but have made some progress...

Hope you're still having a good visit with your folks. Look forward to hearing from you when you get a chance.

Love, B

A Lot of Nothing

That about sums it up. I am being tres lazy this holiday weekend. I've done a whole lot of nothing, with a whole lot of time to do it.

Yesterday I ran a couple of errands and then spent the day reading. I felt a little off all day, and when I went to bed I wondered if I was on the verge of a migraine/in a "migraine aura"--especially since I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and had distinct dark circles (a warning sign for me). Well, wouldn't you know I woke up in the middle of the night strobing. Another migraine indeed. My too often/once a week migraines are now occurring more than once a week, since I had one Tuesday. Arg. I think it's the weather, and I think it's stress, so I'm not going to feel guilty about not doing much, about choosing to do nothing with my extra time.

Still haven't gotten around to that fra diavolo, but I did make pseudo-pizzas yesterday and enjoyed some shrimp cocktail today. Tomorrow I will make the shrimp fra diavolo with the rest of the shrimp in my freezer as my Sunday dinner before the 4 o'clock Patriots game. I also hope that tomorrow I'm up for reading again. Today I can't handle enough light to continue with my good read that I would really like to finish.

Thanks for your concern about W, who is in better spirits after his Thanksgiving family debacle. He went to a Celtics game last night, and has the Pats game tomorrow; sports always make him feel good. He also misses me a lot and is looking forward to our next weekend--as am I. We've been talking a lot about our plans and it has put us in a better couple mood.

So that's my story. Nothing too exciting. I'm glad your visit with your parents is going so swimmingly. Happy Birthday to the Js! Hope you enjoy your dinner tonight.

Love you lots. B

Smooth Sailing

Hey there,

Happy belated Thanksgiving. I hope all is ok with W - does he have family in Boston with whom he spent the holiday?

We had a very nice soup and salad dinner on Wednesday and a very good Thanksgiving too. My parents have both been in exceptionally good spirits the entire time they've been here. M has been engaged and talkative with my Big E. CC isn't being too weird. J and I aren't fighting. It's all going pretty well.

Today was J's birthday. My Mom, C, her friend, N, and I went shopping for most of the day, just local stuff to avoid the crowds. We ended up scoring though, on b-day gifts and other things - more long-sleeved t-shirts at Target, things like that. We brought home ready-made chicken fettucine alfredo from Costco, then S&T&kids, and brother and family, came over for a birthday dinner. We had a really good time; even M invited S over (!) and now the two of them are watching Silence of the Lambs with C and her friend, N. What a normal family picture :) My parents get such a kick out of T&S and our whole BLU thing going on here.

Tomorrow we're going to CC's new studio for family pictures. Way to early, if you ask me (10am) but whatever. Gets us up and out. Then grown up dinner tomorrow night (family only) for J and Brother J's birthdays at one of our favorite little Italian places in Tacoma. Sunday, no plans yet.

Things are good...having a relaxing and stress-free visit with the rents. Hope all is well with you too...maybe we an catch up on Sunday? I'll play it by ear.
Fill me in on W...
Love,
A

The Day After

Good morning, Amanda.

Hope you had a good day yesterday, as I did. I wish I had driven myself and packed an overnight bag (my cousin H and his wife D and their kids were expecting me to stay, as I used to in years passed) but instead I carpooled with my parents. Oh well. Instead of hanging out with turkey leftovers and a Bloody Mary at their house this morning, I have a little hooch in my coffee and am scheming what to create in my kitchen today while avoiding Black Friday shopping crowds.

I think I'm going to do mushroom crescent roll pizzas (I don't have any pizza dough, but do have Pillsbury crescent rolls in the fridge that I need to use) and later make some shrimp fra diavolo. My only bummer is I don't have any wine, so I will need to leave the house, and my local wine shop is in a Stop and Shop plaza, so there goes avoiding the crowds. I'm just not willing skip the wine with shrimp fra diavolo.

I also need to get my place in better order. I loaded my bookshelves yesterday so now I have empty boxes around and some debris now that needs cleaning (so I can get photo ready!). I guess the good news is I still have a whole weekend after today. It's only Friday! Yay.

Honestly, though, I wish today I were hanging out with W. He had a bad day yesterday and I miss him. Since we don't have plans to see each other for another 2 weeks, I'll be missing him for a while.

Hope all is well with you.

Love, Barb

Happy Thanksgiving!

Good morning, A,

Hope soup and salad dinner with your family last night was fun and relaxing, and that you are having a good visit with your parents. Enjoy your day today. Happy Thanksgiving.

Love you,
Barb

You're on Holiday!

You're done already! I just did the time conversion and realized that you won't read this at school, so welcome home to your holiday!

Yes, we definitely are losing something in translation. That's the hard part. But I did know you were joking, and I was joking back, but the sarcasm comes out wrong I think. My folks arrive around 2pm today and I will be running around getting ready for dinner with bro and family tonight, but I'll try to call today for at least a quick check-in.

I have to tell you how wonderful it is to be so laid back today. Normally I would be stressed out of my mind, cleaning like a madwoman, probably in a bad mood to boot. But I'm just fine...the bathrooms aren't cleaned yet, the kids are in the family room making a mess with the art supplies and I have to go to a dr.'s appt. in half an hour - haven't even showered yet - la di da! I love Prozac! I really believe that's what's doing it for me, I can so feel the difference.

Last night, the girls came over to test drive the Pumpkin Spice martini with me. I have to say, we couldn't taste any pumpkin. We mixed half vanilla vodka, half Bailey's, and improvised a rim dip of sugar, pumpkin spice and cinnamon. But it didn't taste like Thanksgiving in a glass, it tasted like a white Russian. Did I miss something? I'm thinking today I'm going to pick up some pumpkin Torani syrup and try adding a splash of that. I'm planning to make them tomorrow so we'll see how it goes.

Everyone's coming over here for dinner tonight but CC is making the soup. All I have to do is get a loaf of bread and make a salad (my kind of cooking!) so there's not much left to do but cleaning around here. M has a job interview at McD's today at 2:00 so I have to pick him up early from school to change. He's very excited...last night R was in here yakking away at him about how to answer interview questions and you could just see M's head spinning, like, "Dude, it's McDonald's. I'm not interviewing for the CEO." But since he thinks K&R are loaded, we pointed out to him that R didn't get to own two BMW's by being stupid, and then M started to take notes. Literally. I found this little notepad by the computer this morning and was cracking up. How funny is that?!!

I just wanted to say hi and respond to your post last night...I hope you are cozily tucked into your apartment, Dad installing the new bookshelf, anxious to get started on creating a new literary corner for yourself. I'll try to check in later on ...
Love,
A

One more day

Good morning, Amanda.

I can't tell you how hard it was to get up this morning. I am so looking forward to four days off. No alarm clock, no rushing around.

Of the four hours we have to spend in school today, I teach only two--the first and last hours. It's killing me to be here. I just want it to be noon. I want to be on my way home from school, ready to call my dad to say," I'm ready for the bookcase. Come on over." Then I want it to be night, and I want to be sitting on the floor with all my books and a glass of wine, maybe Thanksgiving in a glass.

Have a great day and a great time with your parents!

Love, Barb

Really?

Stop the madness, Amanda. I said, that was a joke, didn't I? I was laughing when I read it, thinking, clever girl! Then I went with the I'm a snob theme when I wrote and bolded anyway without an s. Guess we were/are losing tone in translation. Maybe it's time for us to talk, voice to voice. It happens from time to time....

Since you have your folks coming, you call me when you have a chance.

Love you,
Barb

ouch

Hey there,

Well, I'm sort of hurt that a tiny little part of you thinks I may have thought that anyway was plural. I'm way funnier in my head, evidently. ;-)

Love you, irregardless.

Table for Six

"Anyways?"...That was a joke, right? You know that shouldn't be plural, right?...I guess the reason I call myself a snob is that it's more about being a frequent shopper who gets offended than being a grammarian which made me address the incorrect possessive of Tiffany. Anyway.

I just emptied my lame-o entertainment center to prepare for my new one, and wish I had taken a picture first. Oh well. I think it's in the background of a picture or two taken in my old place. I suppose even though it's been a year in coming, I should associate this new one with this new place--although, given that I'm from a family of pack rats, this one will sit in my parents' basement, just in case someone needs an entertainment center in a pinch. I swear we could make a bunch of money if we sold the contents of my parents' basement on e-bay. Then again, if we sold my parents' old dining room set when they bought a new one a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have that coming my way tomorrow.

I have a light wood table and chairs that seats 4, and while it has been good to me since I bought it, the chairs are shot and I would love to be able to serve more than 4 (3 plus me) at a time. I measured the set and this space, and their table--which seats six without the leaf will fit quite nicely. Even the leaf will fit. It's a beautiful set, simple lines, not very heavy (it used to be in a small dining room ages ago) and will look nice in here. So just when I got rid of hand-me-downs when I moved, I decided this was a good one to take. My parents obviously took good care of it; they even reupholstered the chairs. Furthermore, my parents have had a pretty prosperous life, so maybe the energy it will bring will serve me well.

Hope you accomplished everything you needed to, and that your excursions with CC went well--or at least that they didn't inspire any homocidal thoughts. ;-) I know your parents arrive tomorrow, so if I don't hear from you, I won't call out the cavalry. Tell them I said hi.

Be well.

Love,
Barb

PS My hair came out nice. I went with all highs, instead of highs and lows, which I typically get in the winter, but next time will definitely go a little darker.

Chillin'

Ok, I have to tell you that correcting a possessive/non-possessive noun does not make you a snob. First off, I'm an "English teacher" so these are things on which I need to be corrected in order to improve my craft. Being one of the least grammatically adept people I know, I can use all the help I can get. Secondly, here's what's funny: that particular rule is one of my pet peeves! I just didn't know the rule on Tiffany, probably because it's not a store name I ever actually say. So honestly, thank you for the note; there is nothing that bugs me more than people who shop at Safeways.

Anyways.

I hope you're feeling better, later this morning. Did you go to school? This migraine thing is crazy. I think I told you I've only ever had one in my life, and I'm not entirely sure that's what it was, but it laid me out. (That's probably the wrong use of "lay, lie, lain" but I think it's the proper way to use the saying.) I can't imagine getting them frequently. You poor thing! I'm such a pain wimp, a little throbbing behind the eyes, and I'm popping Aleve like I'm dying. Better living through chemicals, I always say.

I got up super late this morning and had to rush the kids to get out the door. M woke up late too and I couldn't even get my butt out of bed to make him breakfast, which caused me to oversleep and wake JJ up a half an hour late. J had gone out on a call at 5:30 or something so wasn't here to rouse us all. We made the bus after all, but I just hate starting out that way. Poor JJ, got his haircut last night and it wasn't doing what it was supposed to with limited time. He has these two cowlicks on either side of his crown that make two little tufts of hair stick straight up, unless we work on it. It makes him look like an Emperor Penguin, which is what I call him. He was a little upset about it this morning, so I held off on the term of endearment, even though I think it's cuter than s**t. ;-)

J got home and went back to bed, thank God. He didn't get home until 2am (he's on call) then slept, what? 3 hours? and was out again. He never goes back to bed, so I'm glad his body took over for him. He's running himself ragged these days. So he's upstairs, asleep, the kids are all gone and I have a little time before I have to motivate. CC and I are going grocery shopping for Thanksgiving today and of course, I have the housecleaning to do. Thankfully I've been keeping up pretty well so I don't have a lot to do. Counseling, haircut and eye appointments this afternoon, (God, I can't wait for M to get his license! 9 more days!) then it all stops moving at the speed of light, for a few days. I, too, am looking forward to the long weekend and the visit with my parents. The nice things is, I'm not feeling stressed out, or rushed or disorganized, even though I'm really not ready for houseguests at all. CC is freaking out on not having gone shopping yet, not having a menu planned, and I'm just over here, drinking my joe and blogging, figuring, what the hell? It's my parents. Take a pill. What a wonderful change, for me, to not be the one in crisis.

I'm jealous of your new bookshelves though; I'd trade a day with my parents for a day surrounded by piles of books and nothing to do but organize them!

I'm sitting here, absolutely in the mood to write, but with not much to say, so I think I'll quit stalling on the floor mopping and get a move on. Hope your Tuesday goes well...
Love,
A

Countdown

Hey there, A.

As I stirred before my alarm went off I vaguely remembered waking up in the middle of the night while strobing. Indeed, my head tells me the barometric pressure dropped. So I have a migraine and it's a crappy today, raining cats and dogs. After cold and blustery weather, we're up 20 degrees. No snow days in sight.

I have a highlight appointment this afternoon, then plan on vegging again after I empty my entertainment center. I figure I can wait until after my new bookshelves (which I saw yesterday, and I like) are in to fill them. And I'll have a long weekend to do it! I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to Thanksgiving break.

Good luck getting ready for Big E and P. I think they arrive tomorrow, so I'm sure you'll be busy with last minute cleaning and prep today.

Talk to you soon. Love, B

PS I was going to try not to say anything, but alas I must. Tiffany does not take the possessive. There's Kohl's and Macy's. And there's Lord&Taylor, Nordstrom, Tiffany. ;-) And I am a snob.

short and sweet

Hey there,

Thanks for the recipe. :) The girls were all over it, too. I think I will try to make it on Thanksgiving.

I had a great day today, shopping among the snobs of Bellevue, wandering around Tiffany's, as if. We ate lunch at some Italian place, where I had chicken pesto linguine, which was very good. Dinked around the shoe department at Nordies for awhile, then made it home only 5 minutes after the kids. I made the mix for a chicken pot pie for tomorrow night then headed out with S and all the kids to Skate Night - once a month skating party for our school - very fun. I didn't skate as hard as I normally do so I didn't get much of a workout, but the kids had a good time.

Not much to report, as you can see, but I wanted to say good morning. A half-day tomorrow is not a bad deal...enjoy the last full day today!
Love,
A

Soup and Nails

Hey, Amanda,

I almost included the recipe so you wouldn't have to ask. lololol Long story about the cocktail but a simple recipe: equal parts vanilla vodka and Bailey's. That's it. But I have a rim sugar mix that's called apple spice that makes it extra special. It's by Stirrings; we have them in the soda aisles around here and in the liquor stores. They also make liquid mixers. I'm sure you could improvise with sugar and cinnamon, maybe a little nutmeg.

I have a faculty meeting after school and then a nail appointment at 4 today. In between the two I plan to stop at my parents' and check out the new entertainment center. Tonight I'm going to make Italian sausage soup (an easy favorite) and chill out. I'm into Run, my newest book, so I hope to get some reading in--even though I should be emptying the current entertainment center.

I trip to Tiffany with the girls definitely sounds like a good Monday excursion. Wish I were there... Only one and a half more school days to go.

Take it easy. Have fun with the girls. B

Monday at Tiffany's

Good morning, B.

I just cracked myself up. I started to write this entry with the sentence, "How about the recipe for that pumpkin spice martini?" Wait a minute, wasn't I an alcoholic a couple of days ago? Oh, never mind! I'm good. Boing, boing, boing....freakin' pinball in my head.

Sorry I didn't write last night. As you may (or may not) know, 24 is on again, and I was glued to my couch for two (real time) hours last night. I even made JJ read upstairs so he wouldn't be listening to the screams of torture and plots of unspeakable violence. For someone who doesn't watch much tv, I am such a junkie for Jack :) By the time it was over, I barely managed one Suduko, then I was out.

I did have the kind of Sunday I needed. I took the boys to the movies, which was fun. AJ came back here with us and they played Playstation for awhile. Nothing in comparison to the east coast, I'm sure, but it was really cold here yesterday and no one really wanted to play outside. It's getting to be that time of year, when they are all inside most of the time...I guess I'd better get ready for that. J walked AJ home around 5, then came home and made dinner (!) for us...BLTs and chips...can't beat that on a cold Sunday. I got all my ironing done and even managed a load of laundry before settling in for my show.

All in all, not too strenuous. M woke up not feeling well this morning; he got up and took his shower, but then threw up his breakfast and says he has a raging headache. It might have something to do with the fact that he went out to celebrate his buddy's 16th birthday last night, at Jack in the Box, by attempting to eat 16 tacos. Each. (They failed.) Or, it could be something legit; he gets a lot of headaches so we have an eye appt scheduled next week. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it, so I just sent him back to bed and told him I'd take him to school later if he felt better. Thought I'd be nice, rather than skeptical. It's the holidays.

Today, K, S and I are going up to Bellevue, where the super-rich live and play. They have a killer mall up there (K needs to have a Tiffany's bracelet repaired) and a bezillion great restaurants. We rarely go up there, since it's an hour-plus trip, with little traffic, sometimes two, if you hit it at the wrong time. There's something about getting dressed up to go shopping that makes it a good Monday.

Three days...hang in there. Or do you have Wed off?
Love,
A

In the Moment

Hmmm....how did I know you'd be okay today?....

I am thoroughly enjoying today, living for today. I feel like so many of my weekends I am getting ready for something or catching up from something else. Even yesterday was a game of catch up--catching up on all the shopping I couldn't do, stocking up on everything that I needed. Today I didn't want to spend the day getting ready for my new entertainment center. I just wanted to hang out, to live in the moment, enjoy today just because it's Sunday.

So I picked up a little and read a little and scheduled my furniture drop off for Wednesday. Then I made a drink and got ready for the 1 o'clock game. After 2 pumpkin spice martinis (Thanksgiving in a glass. Yum!) I was ready for lunch at half time. I made a grilled cheese sandwich and a can of tomato soup and was happy. I got comfy second half, and as much as it was an exciting game, I found myself fighting my eyelids as I snuggled up under a fleece blanket on the couch.

And now it's 6. I never really geared up today but am already winding down. Being just plain lazy worked out well for me today. Seems it was just what I needed.

Hope your Sunday is what you need it to be.

Love, B

PS The Patriots won.

P.S.

My coffee brewed perfectly this morning.

Life is good.

Rehab Cancelled

"...the kind of neuroses I'm used to from you..."

Doesn' that just say it all?!!

Crisis averted. I didn't check into Betty Ford yesterday, after all. No, I went to K's football party and drank Coke Zero with lime, the same as all my other hungover friends. We ate Stouffer's lasagne, served right out of the foil pan it comes in, lounging around the family room in outfits closely resembling pajamas. Our team (WSU) pulled out a win in the last two seconds of the game, but I almost missed it because I was sort of napping on the floor.

I ask you, is that the day after a crisis? I don't think so. The only hope I have is that I'm able to recognize my own melodrama and laugh at it. Perhaps I'll use it to my advantage some day, or, with luck, the Prozac will eventually send it into remission.

My husband, while still the same man I wrote about yesterday, was loving and sweet all day long. At some point, I had to give in and go with it; boy, I can really make issues where there are none. He took JJ and me out to teriyaki last night, then the three of us curled up on the couch and watched Iron Man, which was surprisingly, delightfully entertaining. Mmm...and that Robert Downey Jr. is hot.

Today, J's going to do more Christmas lights and I'm taking the boys to the movies. Then maybe I'll iron, or something productive along those lines. My parents arrive on Wednesday, and since my day is shot Monday going to the city with the girls, I'm getting down to the wire on cleaning.

At any rate, I'm going to breathe today. I'm going to be crisis-free. You know, God help me if anything legitimate ever happens to me. :-)

Hope you enjoy your plans-free day and maybe we can talk later on...
love, A

Just Plain Lazy

Good morning.

Thanks for the cocktail warning yesterday...but it was a) kind of early and 2) the kind of neuroses I'm used to from you ;-) so I was good without a drink. The other day--kid got hurt, said he was homeless, brother aided and abetted--was a different story.

I'm sorry you felt so bad yesterday, and wonder how last night went for you. I will at this point not respond to anything. Rather, I'll just go with this is a place to vent without necessarily seeking advice. It's place to dump. If you do need more than that, feel free to call and we can talk. For now I'll leave it at that.

After taking a couple of hours yesterday morning to drink coffee, stay warm (it's been FREEZING!) and finish my book (finally), I headed out on errands and a mission. Friday after school I saw a pair of shoes I just had to have, but they didn't have my size, so I looked in other stores for them. (No luck, by the way). I was out for several hours/most of the day. When I got home I didn't feel like doing much else.

I don't feel like doing much today either, despite the fact that my father called last night (I didn't answer) to say he wanted to "schedule a delivery." I guess he's done with the entertainment center. Too bad I don't feel ready for it, and don't want to spend today doing it all. I'd rather wait until Wednesday (half day) or Friday, so I'm waiting to call him back so I don't get bullied into taking it today. It was nice to go out for a few hours yesterday and shop, and today I just want to hang out. I don't have gourmet cooking plans, or any other ambitions except to pick up a little and watch the 1 o'clock game Patriots game. I don't plan on making it down to storage today or over to the laundry room. Today I just want to veg. And I'm going to do my best to honor myself and do just that.

Hope you're feeling better. You know you have my support in whatever form you need it.

Love, B

But wait, there's more!

Hey look! I'm back already! J took JJ to pre-game practice so I've got an extra 15 minutes to spare. I just got off the phone with CC, who more or less invited herself over to K&R's for the game today. It's the WSU-UW game, our state U rivals, so it's a big day around here. At 5:30 this morning, I thought about having to go to this, and how I really didn't want to (what if everyone thinks I have a drinking problem? What if everyone is fed up with me? I should probably lay low for awhile). But now, with K's texts going back and forth about what food she's making and blah, blah, blah, I'm just thinking I don't have to drink. Right?

I went in to take my shower earlier and I decided to try to approach J, even though I was sure he would be cold and angry, probably for the rest of this weekend. All I said was that I was sorry, that I knew my drinking was becoming a problem, and that I would work on it. His response threw me a little: "Thanks. I didn't mean to upset you or make you mad. I was trying to express how I was feeling." Then, he's all lovey-dovey and huggy-kissy, for the rest of the morning.

?????

Ok, he so does not know how my crazy little brain works. He has no concept of the bomb he has dropped on me, the can of worms he has unwittingly opened that will become my new neurotic focus. This is how compartmentalized he is. Say it, be done with it. Move on. OMG, how can two people as different and unconnected as we are still be married?

And this is where I am telling myself not to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. Let molehills be molehills. It wasn't a life comment, it was an in-the-moment comment. The more I think about it, sober, the more I think that yeah, maybe I was a little more crocked than usual last night. I don't know.

God, it's no wonder I'm crazy. Listen to me.

Later,
A

Defining Moment

Good morning, B,

Warning: I feel an over-analyzing, melodramatic therapy session coming on. Don't know if you'll need a Bloody Mary to get through my post.

It's 7:15 on a Saturday morning, which is terribly early for me on a weekend. I slept on the couch last night, and since I don't have curtains in my living room, the 6:45 sun nudged me awake long before I would have liked. The thing is, though, I love being up early in the morning. I just hate the waking up part. It's quiet in and outside my house, nothing needs to get done yet, fresh cup of joe in my hand. Something's not right with my coffee pot, though. My coffee sucks every day; it gets too hot and burns, it's too strong, it's too weak...I'm so much happier with my quad grande Americano from Starbucks, but I'm trying not to spend the money.

~~~

You know how I told you that I take that quiz on the AA website from time to time, just to make sure I'm not an alcoholic? (Because, really, that's the best way to tell.) So far, I keep coming up short. So I continue drinking to my usual limits, secure that I don't actually have a problem. Last night, I made steak and salad for everyone and it was just like any other, ordinary Friday night around here. Sitting/standing (I only have two bar stools) around the kitchen, drinking, K and S and me with our red wine (last night we got into the good stuff - yum), J with his Jack and Seven, R with his beer, and T, with whatever it is he carries around in his pocket flask (I'm not kidding) to refill his travel mug with. Eating gourmet pretzels while we put dinner together, shooting the s**t and laughing. We ate and jaw-jacked for hours around the kitchen table, finishing off K's German chocolate cake for dessert later on. We called Kim to welcome her home from New York and congratulate her on her official book signing, but she was sick and couldn't come over to join us. So I put her husband on speaker phone and we all yakked with him about their trip and the book deal.

All in all, a really fun, really normal, Friday night. I probably drank an entire bottle of wine; between the three of us, we went through two bottles, and I know S only drank maybe two glasses total. But this is typical - my usual limit. I did sense that J was unhappy with me, but I wasn't all that worried about it. M came and sat at the table with us for awhile and I ended up losing a $20 bet with him over the length of his toenails (which I thought was funny/fun, and I don't really give a crap about the $20). Around 10:30 or so, everyone took off, and J decided to go to bed. He comes in to give me a kiss goodnight (I was washing wine glasses) and I asked, in a sort of weary, what-the-hell-is-your-problem-now? way, "What did I do?" His response was that he just can't deal with me when I drink this much.

Woah.

Other than occasional side comments, like agreeing with me if I say I had too much to drink, he's never said anything like that to me before. Ever. Nothing that direct, nothing that hit me like a ton of bricks, like the fourth yes answer on the AA quiz that sets off the alarm bells, as you move from safe to oh f***.

Warning #2: Here comes the over-analyzing part. You don't even have to read this. I'm sure I'm going to ramble for a ridiculously long time, but this blog is my outlet for that, right?

Does your drinking negatively impact your family?

Well, I guess it does, now. Crap, crap, crap! You know me; I instantly went into a tailspin, right there at the kitchen sink, my little mind whirring around in its (clearly) sh**faced state. Only, here's the thing. I didn't even think I was that drunk. (I'm not rationalizing, I'm wondering what happened, in particular, that made him say something last night, and not before. Because now I'm pretty sure it's been on the tip of his tongue for quite some time.) I didn't think I was being any louder or more obnoxious than I usually am, I didn't break my wine glass or spill anything; but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I have a warped perception of myself in that state (ok, I'm sure I do, we all do, you know what I mean). I'm not sure exactly what pushed him over the edge.

We are not very connected, emotionally, to each other, when our friends are around. We are very different from the other four, in terms of relating to each other in a group. (My totally-unnecessary-details brand of rambling is picking up speed) S and T typically sit next to each other, and there's a lot of touching and intimate gestures. He clearly adores her, and she's got this kind of shy princess thing going on (I mean that in a totally good way, it's cute). He pays attention to her when she talks, he helps her tell her stories, he's always kissing her hand, or her hair, or just looking at her and smiling. She flicks him a lot of s**t but he never gets mean. K and R, likewise, are equally, obviously, in love with each other, but with a completely different dynamic. K is dominant, borderline bitchy, but in a smart, sassy, very funny way. R is absolutely whipped, but willingly. He's very high-maintenance, he's a chronic workaholic and travels way too much (he's gone at least one week of every month) so she pretty much takes care of everything for him. The payoff is that she's ridiculously spoiled - travel and jewelry and nights out on the town, and he idolizes her. Perfect picture of K&R's relationship: once, M asked me if they were getting a divorce. I was stunned, and asked what on earth would make him think that? He said, "she's always mad at him and yelling at him." Of course, we all thought that was hilarious, because it's true, but it's not malicious. It's all in fun, it's the way they work. They are rarely, if ever, out of sync with each other.

And then there's J and me. We don't sit together. We don't work together. I prepare, he barbecues. I serve, he does the dishes. We don't talk to each other in a group; I try to help him tell stories, but he gets frustrated and stops talking. He doesn't get involved in my conversations at all; in fact, he rarely pays any attention to me in a group unless I happen to have everyone's attention. He makes small, cutting comments on occasion, that I know are born of underlying issues that we don't deal with. He thinks I'm way too judgemental (I am) and that bugs the crap out of him. I do remember him making a comment about me being mean about someone last night, and I shot back, "Why don't you stop judging me for being judgmental?". This brings a collective "ooooh!" from the group, anticipation of entertaining banter, but he doesn't bite. Because it's not in fun; we're not playing out a dynamic that might end passionately in the bedroom. This is us: angry and resentful and unhappy, and coming out sideways.

So in that moment, when he tells me I've had too much to drink, or that I drink too much, or that he's sick of my drinking, or whichever of the 42 different translations of his comment that I have created, I can't just stop and deal with it. I can't say,

"Wow. Ok. I didn't realize that, honey. I'm sorry. I'm glad you told me that. I'll work on it."

I can't start crying and fall into his arms, relieved that finally, someone believes what I've feared in my head for so long: I'm an alcoholic. I can't say, "See? It's true. I'm not crazy, I'm not being neurotic. Thank you for validating my fears."

I can't say "I know. I'm sorry. I need help. Please help me. Please love me and support me and help me anyway, even though you can't stand me right now."

All I can do is walk away. I watch tv for awhile, going over every word of every conversation, trying to find the moment. The moment I crossed the line. Whatever.

I can't find it, so I curl up on my comfy couch, afraid to crawl into bed with him because the cold and the distance is more than I can bear in this state of vulnerability.

And here I am, at 7-something on a Saturday morning, spared a hangover because I was drinking good wine instead of the cheap s**t, but feeling as though I've spent the night on the floor of the subway station, regardless.

I forgot to mention that I drink every night these days. Sometimes just a glass of wine, sometimes half a bottle. I always wait til after 5, I usually put out a request for company, but if I don't get it, I still pour my wine. This has nothing to do with anything, other than rationalizing a potential drinking problem.

Crap. It's 8:20. JJ has a football game at 9:45, and I have to get moving. I still have to shower and eat, and go get snacks, since I forgot it was our snack day today.

There you go. Random thoughts for the day. I'll write more later, promise. God knows, I'm not done picking this one apart. :-)

Love you

A

Comfy Cozy

Hey, A,

Me again.

I tried to tackle some of my stock-up errands after school, but didn't get very far. I filled my tank--for under $30!, which made me feel justified in buying myself a new sweater. Then I went to the liquor mega mart for a few bottles. 'Tis the season for a good pumpkin spice martini, you know? And I can't make that without vanilla vodka and Baileys! Well, I was good and hungry after that excursion, so I stopped at Outback and got the 9 oz. sirloin special (salad, green beans; I rarely deviate) for dinner with a couple of glasses of Little Boomey cab. They say you should never go grocery shopping hungry.

Have I justified enough? Well f**k it. The only justification I need is that I finally had the extra money, 30 dollars of it coming from the drop in gas prices, and it felt GOOD to live a little.

Now I'm home, in my soft jammies, looking through the grocery circulars and my coupons, making lists, planning well, hoping to make up a couple of dollars from today's splurges.

Hope you had a good day, and that you're ready for Big E and P. Write when you can.

Love, Barb

Toilet Paper and Books

Hello, My Friend.

So bummed to hear dinner sucked. Nothing more disappointing than a bad meal when you're geared up for a good one at a new place.

Not to rub salt in a wound or anything, but my dinner with C was excellent, as I expected it would be. I had a chopped salad with Gorgonzola and a sherry vinaigrette to start, salmon as my entree, and creme brulee for dessert. I was hoping to have a drink at the bar afterward (this is one of the places W and I are friendly with the bartender because W struck up a conversation about the Patriots and they became fast friends) but it was packed, so we went home--which, honestly, was the best thing to do.

This weekend I have nothing going on but cleaning and stocking up. I am out of everything: from eggs and butter to toilet paper and dish soap to hairspray and scripts. I'll be dropping some serious cash at the supermarket and CVS this weekend--especially since I need these things now. I haven't taken advantage of sales to stock up and now can't wait for them.

The cleaning is really about get ready for books again. My dad is moving along on my entertainment center/bookshelves so I need to get set for that. I have most of my books in storage so I plan to spend time in storage going through them. I can't wait to have them all out in front of me again! I suppose I should go through my Christmas stuff, etc. when I'm down there and bring that up too. Since I plan to stock up at the liquor store this afternoon, I can make this all a whole lot of fun!

I'll try to write again later. Have a good day.

Love, B

Crappy dinner, easy weekend

Hey,

Just a short note to check in for morning coffee ;-). I got home a little while ago from dinner with KB. Unfortunately, the restaurant we chose, which had a terrific atmosphere, great menu and fairly good service, had SUCKY food! It was so bad, one dish we actually sent back to the kitchen. We ended up leaving with mostly chips and wine in our tummies, which normally, isn't a bad thing. But I was really looking forward to good, authentic Mexican food, as they claimed (on their ritzy website) was their forte. Not.

Live and learn. We had a great time together anyway, as we always do. Tomorrow is Friday Treats, then a weekend with no plans other than football on Saturday and Madagascar 2 (argh!) with JJ and nephew AJ. Since I take G, my neice, out for nails, toes and lunch at Christmas time, I promised I'd make a "date" with AJ too. Of course, he wanted to invite cool cousin JJ. I hate to say, I'm good with that; AJ's not a talker in any way, shape or form (unlike his yakkety-yak sister), plus, he's 6. Even at the movies and McD's, that's hard for me. Other than that, I thought I'd maybe go Thanksgiving shopping with CC, have the gang over for dinner Saturday, or hang out and drink (how unusual!) Looking forward to not having to be anywhere.

Hope you have a good Friday. What are you up to this weekend?

Love,
A

Never Ending Week

Truce. ;-)

Even though I skipped out early on Monday, this week seems to be going on forever. Tuesday night mini-conferences certainly lengthened the week a little, but I was ready for it to be Friday yesterday! One more day, which I'm sure will be tough, especially since I'm going out tonight. But at least I'm going to have a little fun.

C and I got gift certificates to a favorite restaurant from our principal as an extra thank you for some hassles we had when we co-advised yearbook, and we decided now is the perfect time to use them. Money is tight for both of us--especially around the holidays and because we are planning an overnight excursion to Boston in a couple of weeks. Our gift certificates will go even further tonight since it's Restaurant Week in Connecticut, and restaurants are offering 3 course dinners for 20.08. The menu is limited for the 20.08 special but it's easy to find something we like at this place, even from their special menu. It's cold and windy, and it will be dark when I leave to meet her, but I am looking forward to breaking out of my premature hibernation mode. I have to figure out how to beat this, at least until after the holidays. For God's sake there's shopping to be done and parties to attend. I can't get in the habit of getting in my jammies at 3 already.

Between now and then I plan on finishing the EB that had me crying last night. I only have about 20 pages or so to go, so I should be able to finish before I get dolled up. Glad you had a good night last night. Hope you have fun in the big city!

Love,
B

Truce

Oh honey, I didn't mean to get ugly! I was half a bottle down when I wrote last night! My brother stopped by to pick up his kids, then stayed for dinner and some 7 Deadly Zins (one of my new faves). He loved my soup, as did my husband, nephew, and - get this - JJ :-O I bagged on the football game in favor of visiting with Brother J, then CC stopped by later on. It was quite a nice evening; as you know, J's in the financial business, so every day is a challenge for him these days. He's not making a lot of money so he's a bit on the stressed side. I think the wine helped...

I do remember you telling me a long time ago that Isabel's Bed wasn't where I should have started. I will definitely give her a whole-hearted second chance. JJ decided, this morning, that he is going to tackle Twilight. I wasn't sure about it, not having read it myself; I was afraid it might be a little too old for him. Then my little neighbor girl pipes up with "Oh, my brother's reading that!" and I knew it would be ok. Their mom is ultra conservative (as in, no High School Musical, because they kiss.) I was surprised to hear she'd read the entire Twilight series and was letting her son read it too (he's only a year older than JJ); I guess it's not as risque as I thought it was. And if it is, oh well. Sooner or later he's going to get there. And, the fact that he's interested in a book that is a) above his reading level, and b) not about football, is amazing!

Note on genre fiction: not a huge fan myself, but I think there is some good stuff out there. For instance, I did read every Anne Rice vampire novel, and I think she's an excellent writer.

Today I have to get the housework done that I didn't do yesterday. I have a meds check with my shrink at 1:45, then I'm off to the big city, to meet KB for dinner. We're going to some Mexican place she found. No margaritas :( since I'll have to drive home, but still. Girl's night out. I'll just have to be careful of the one-way streets.

Love,
A

Not Bloody Likely

Don't hold your breath. I remain an anti-genre snob.

Hey, you got ugly first. So let me continue. It's unfortunate that you read my least favorite of EL's books first. Still, when people tell me they don't like her, I think they don't get her, and what I hear next in my head is "Wasn't that new Jackie Collins/John Grisham/Nicholas Sparks great?"

Ultimately, since I write, as do you, literary fiction, I imagine my ties to EL may be more beneficial or fruitful for us than any connections to publishers of genre fiction.

So there.

Elinor Shmelinor

Wow, harsh. I'm not as much of an Eli fan as you are, and I'm not afraid to say so. Not that I don't like her; I do. Honestly, though, the only reason I have read anything by her is because of you, so please don't be offended. In fact, (ouch) the only thing I have read is Isabel's Bed. It doesn't reflect on our friendship at all, really. It has more to do with the massive pile of unread books in my library that happen to have fallen in line in front of her.

I will begin And Then She Found Me tomorrow (and resist renting the movie so as to BS my way through a conversation with you).

Love you too, even though my famous-author-friend isn't famous yet. Just wait til you have to read young adult horror fiction to rate with me. :-)

footnotes

Happiness Sold Separately was a bit of a chore for me, too. The woe-is-me infertility thing doesn't grab me.

More importantly, I cannot believe you have not read every single title by Elinor Lipman yet!!! You call yourself my friend??....(Meantime, that was her first novel!)

Love you anyway! ;-)

Reading, writing, forget nesting

Hi, Barb.

Well, so much for carving out time to write today. I ended up doing PTA stuff this morning, followed by grocery shopping and miscellaneous, tedious errands, and didn't get back home until noon. I decided I was going to make some chicken corn chowder, but this plan has got a bit awry on me. I went on line to get a good recipe, found one, read it, then thought to myself 'Oh how hard can this be? I can figure this out.' So I didn't print, nor follow, the recipe. Mistake numero uno. I have no idea which of the several random ingredients I put in there makes it taste terrible, so I'm also not sure how to fix it. CC came over and tasted it; she said it was fine. Well, that's like Giada herself saying it's fine (it's all relative) and plus, she's not going to tell me it sucks. I haven't added the cream/milk combo yet so I'm hoping that helps. Otherwise I've got about two gallons of soup to pawn off on the duty crews at the station. Thank God for firefighters. They'll eat anything.

I haven't got my house cleaning done; in fact, I haven't even started that. I have my neice and nephew this afternoon/evening, so really, what's the point in cleaning the floor? That's my theory anyway. I've just been dinking around my kitchen, fretting over my soup, wishing I had this gift. I so want to be a good cook; I want to spend all day in the kitchen, preparing and creating, but the whole thing is very elusive to me. Most of the time, I just end up frustrated and tired, with a monumental mess on my hands. Maybe it's not my niche. I wonder if I should give up and move on?

The book we read - The Kabul Beauty School - was written by a hairdresser from Michigan who opened a beauty school in Afghanistan to help women become self-supporting. It's all very noble and trendy, but in the end, she is a very poor writer and her co-author didn't step up to the plate for her. Tons of important details are either misplaced or missing altogether; stories occur randomly and without cross-reference. There is no gift of language to love (a la Love Walked In) no plot twists or turns (a la Alice Hoffman). This is mostly why I don't care for biographies much; I'd rather read good writing than a good story, if I must choose between the two. Everyone in my book club felt the same way, which was nice. I didn't have to spout off about quality writing in my usual snobbish way, like when I vote no on reading yet another cheesy Nicholas Sparks trauma drama. Everyone wanted to read something lighter after the holidays, and since I can't do another Marly and Me or whatever latest Christmas-themed novel is out there, I suggested de los Santos. I don't mind reading it again (or skimming) and usually, someone in the group has already read the month's selection.

To answer your question, did I buy Belong To Me, no, I did not. I bought And Then She Found Me and Happiness Sold Separately, both on discount. I started Happiness, but it wasn't calling to me. I'm going to try the other one now. I have so many books on the shelves that I haven't ever read, I really should stop purchasing and get caught up. Ha ha! Just kidding! My Christmas list of books is two pages long.

Speaking of the holidays, my parents will only be here for six days. And that's a comparatively long visit, for them. They stay in a local hotel, which works out well for everyone involved. They will spend the majority of their time going back and forth between our house and J's, then probably head up north to stay a couple of days with friends who live on Whidby Island. We all do so much better with a short visit, and over the years we've all come to the unspoken conclusion that the visit happens at Thanksgiving, not Christmas. There's still this little part of me that wishes they were the doting grandparent types, hanging around for six weeks through the entire holiday season. But then I remember, oh yeah, they're my parents. Good God! Six days is plenty.

We have a football game tonight and J just walked in from work. So I'm off now to get my soup fixed up ... M loved it, so who am I to criticize?

Hope you had a good day too,
Love,
A

Ask, Believe, Receive

Hey there, Amanda.

It's 5:30. I finally just got home for the day and have no intentions of leaving again. After school we had that non-baby shower (by the way, I forgot to bring the peanut butter chocolate bars!) and then I stopped by my parents' because something about my father's plan for my entertainment center/bookcase wasn't sitting right with me. After that I stopped at the store for coffee and milk (out of both) and the liquor store for wine (out of that, too). I have some of my mushroom onion pizza, which I froze on Sunday after I made it, in the oven and a glass of wine is by my side as I wait for my dinner to be ready. I'm already in my fuzzy socks and fleece hoodie robe and I'm happy. My day started on a good note, of course, when I got to read a little from you while I had my coffee....

I didn't know your parents were coming up for a visit. You say "for the holidays." Just how long is that? All the way through Christmas? Whoa. God bless if that's the case. I know it will be nice to see them and for them to spend time with you all, I just wonder how long they plan to stay and if they'll split the time at your brother's. You know I always liked your parents (and I think they liked me), it's just that family can be taxing...

Life coach, hu? I'm intrigued, and flattered, but am I even remotely qualified? Wouldn't I have to get a master's in counseling? I'll definitely have to talk more about this with you. Between now and then I may even surf around for some information. Who knows, maybe I'll use money from my first advance to rent that cool office space.

What book did you all not like last night? Did you give in and buy Belong to Me, since I never mailed my copy? Given that you already read Love Walked In, and you're doing the Christmas concert thing, you're off the hook for required reading for two months now, right? What's on your I want to read list? I just got The Secret yesterday and browsed through the first half yesterday (before that jolt off the couch). I haven't been reading much (besides cookbooks, magazines and catalogs) lately so I still need to finish EB, and then I have an Ann Patchett on deck (Run) and Wally Lamb's new tome in the hole--I figure for Christmas vacation and subsequent snow days. (tee hee) Tonight, after I scarf down the pizza that is sitting next to me, taunting me, I'm going to get back to The Secret. It's what I thought it would be (and frankly I wonder why Shatki Gawain, the author of Creative Visualization, isn't putting up a fuss). Nothing new, but being reminded to Ask, Believe, Receive is still a good thing.

You seem to be on a string of good days. I hope today is another one.

Love, Barb

Nesting

Hey again,

Just got home from Book Club, which was fun, as always. No one liked the book very much, even though I was the only one who hadn't finished it, so I don't think I'll bother continuing. We chose Love Walked In for January. We aren't reading anything for December; instead we're meeting for dinner and a Christmas concert. One of the women in our group sings in a church choir and they have this annual thing, so we're all going to that. Should be a good time.

Tomorrow, I have to clean my house...I have neglected things like the hardwood floors and the bathrooms to such an extent that I stick to my kitchen floor and everything else sticks to my bathroom counters. Since I am feeling functional again, I should probably get on it before I lose my momentum. My folks will be here in a week, and then the holidays are officially here, so there's a little nesting coming on.

I hope conferences weren't a total waste of time (Four minutes? WTF?) and that you had a little down time when you got home. I'll try to get back into the swing of writing tomorrow. I haven't been to crazy in about two weeks. Yikes!

Love,
A

Day Five, Just Getting Better

Stay at home mom, sans kids. OMG, you're funny. We call those Luncheon Ladies. That's what I always said about teaching: if those damn kids would stop showing up, I'd love my job.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better, and I think it's time you got the heck outta that school and into something more healthy for you. On a million different levels. You know what I think you should do, seriously? I think you should be a Life Coach. (That's what MC is.) You'd be so good at it; plus, you could have a cool little office with warm couches and soft colors and ambient music. You could drink tea out of pretty mugs all day long, without having to worry about timed bathroom breaks; you could take an hour (or three) for lunch with a friend. You could have an artsy little pen holder full of perfect pens that would never disappear into the pockets of ignorant and ungrateful, not to mention, unprepared, kids. Apart from all of that, as if that weren't enough, I think you'd be awesome at the job. And I think MC charges like $90 an hour, so that ought to tie it up, right there.

I am feeling very rusty at the keyboard this afternoon, and a little rushed too. I have to leave for Book Club in about 20 minutes, but I really wanted to write a little beforehand. I had a very good day (again!). This morning, we had our appointment with A (J, M and me). That went amazingly well; I'm telling you, I have no idea what the aliens did with the kid I had last week, but I'm quite fond of the one they left here. He was laughing and talking, and being open and honest with us; it was just great, that's all I can say. I guess he told A, before J and I went in, that he thought things were going really well but that he knew it would just go back to the way it was in a short period of time. He told me this in the car on the way to school, then he said,

"And A's like, Well, does it have to go back? Couldn't this be the new normal? And I'm like, yeah! It totally can. I feel like we can do this, Mom."

Since one of the things we talked about was that I am a drama queen, I overreact and over-worry, I decided not to crawl across the console and hug him, crying. Instead, I just nodded and said,

"Yep, I totally think we can too, bud," which took a good deal of restraint. The good kind. :)

After the appointment, I took him over to the DMV, where he passed his written test (yea!), about which he was very excited. All he has to do is pass the driving test on Dec. 2 and he's all set. By that time, it was after 11, so we went to McD's and had lunch, across the street from his school. When I went in to sign him in late, he actually hugged me (I did not make the first move) in front of God and everyone. I'm like a giddy little kid. :)

Got my nails done, took a nap, baked some cookies and watched Dr. Phil for the rest of my alone time. Can't beat that, really. Book Club tonight is just down the street at my friend SB's house; soup and salad and wine. The day appears to just be getting better. We read The Kabul Beauty School this month, which I only got about half-way through. I know it's a best seller and all, and it is (so far) a fairly good story, but I'm not impressed with her writing. I know, she's a hairdresser, not a writer. But still. I"m in it for the wine tonight.

Ok - I have to run. I will try to write more after I get home, since J is out late tonight, and for once, you should have something to read with your morning coffee. Sorry I've been slacking.

Talk to you soon,
Love
A

Mini Conferences

Exactly. What can be accomplished in a 4 minute conference besides some ego-stroking to parents we really don't need to see?!?! The conferences I do need to have, about kids who are not doing well, would take longer than 4 minutes and are with parents who don't come to parent-teacher night. Case in point.

Anyway, that's my plan for tonight. I came home after school to sneak a little rest, only to be something in between heaved and catapulted off the couch by a mini-anxiety attack when I remembered I have to bake something for a baby shower of a sort (don't get me started on that either; this is her third kid) we're having tomorrow. I know I don't want to tackle that after conferences, so there went my down time. Oh well.

My head is better today, but I went from 100 percent to 80 as soon as I walked in the building. The fluorescent lights are hard on me and my allergies go crazy when I'm at school. Still, I made it through the day and will make it back, reluctantly, tonight. Just another day I wish I were a stay at home mom--sans kids. lol

Hope you're having a good day.

Love, Barb

TV Time

Hey, A,

I'm done with all my cooking and kitchen clean-up and I'm ready to wind down. But before I get into my TV line-up (Obama on 60 Minutes (as soon as the game is over), then Iron Chef America followed by the season finale of the Chef Jeff Project on FN) I wanted to say hey. I'm so glad you had a great day yesterday and hope today was just as good.

I'll check in for an update tomorrow while I'm having my morning coffee.

Love, B

PS Turquoise? Yeah, pretty much my lifelong fave color. Throat chakra. Voice.

A Simple Trip to Target

Good morning, Barb,

How funny that you are wishing for a snow day, when here it is bright and sunny, not a chance of snow anywhere in our near future. Cold, yes, but not even cold enough to complain; I hardly need my gloves yet. I will say a little prayer for you that the temp drops like crazy tonight and some freaky storm stirs up out of the middle of nowhere! Your day sounds ideal, although I wouldn't have the faintest idea how to make any of what you're making. That part where you make the pizza and pour a glass of wine...I'm there.

Ahh...thank you so much for your two posts this morning (at least that's when I finally got to the computer). You're hilarious, requesting some kind of booze warning before I write! By the time I sat down and recounted all of it, it was no longer shocking or overwhelming or odd; it was just about par for these days. Homeless. Classic.

Yesterday was fantastic; I couldn't have asked or hoped for a better day. After some yardwork and dinking around the house, the whole family traipsed over to the mall. We shopped for a couple of hours, each of the boys getting new clothes. JJ bought himself an AC/DC t-shirt; that's my boy! :) M decided to get his ears pierced; I told J that I might be overindulging him, but to please allow me that. It's the only thing we will let him pierce and I thought, maybe that would be a good start to him trusting that we aren't control freaks...I don't know, I'll try anything right now. Funny moment: in the card store, M and I were looking for an anniversary card for R&K. We're handing them back and forth, and I pick one up that is hilarious, referencing breast implants. "This one is perfect!" I say to my 16-year old kid, as I hand it to him for approval, "K has fake boobs!" He stands there, the card hanging in mid-air, and looks at me, horrified. "Mom. Is there some reason I needed to know that?" God, it felt good to laugh.

It's funny to watch JJ, watching M; he knows M's really cool, and wants to emulate him, but it's just so not his style, he's not sure what to do. He stood there during the ear piercing, wincing, asking "Does it hurt?". You could see the little wheels turning in his head, if I get my ear pierced I'll be cool like M, but I really don't want to... Finally, J and I assured him that while it's cool, yes, it's also a certain style, and it's not his. He seemed relieved to discover he'll have his own way of being cool. It cracked me up.

I took a nap when we got home while everyone else disappeared outside. I woke up at 5:00 with a burning need to go to Target (???) so I called S and we decided to run over there before dinner. M wanted to go with us (???) so I let him drive. When we got into the store, I asked him if he were going to wander off, and he said no, he would just hang out with us. He followed us around the women's clothing section and ended up getting himself a t-shirt in the junior girls' section. What a riot, my kid. I've had this hankering for a fleece vest (don't ask) so I finally got one; it's bright turquoise, which is my new favorite color. We kicked around for an hour or so, S and I bought a couple clearance t-shirts, looked at makeup while M looked at hair products. Is it silly, Barb, to say that this was the highlight of my day? Browsing in Target, with my friend and my teenage son, no particular reason to be there. Just hangin. I am so grateful for the little things today.

We all met over at R&K's for dinner around 6:30; here in Podunk, Washington, we don't have much to offer in the way of restaurants, but we do have kickass Chinese takeout, I must say. My boys came with us willingly, but when JJ got there and realized that S&T had left their boys at home, he fell into a bit of a sulk, wanting to know why he couldn't go over there. S and I let T and J make the executive decision to trust three little boys in a dark house, unsupervised, and JJ was delighted to get out of there. Even though K lets him eat on the couch while watching TV, he wasn't up for a grown-up dinner party. I was a little hesitant, then, to let M go home, but J thought it was fine. The six of us sat around the dinner table, laughing and making fun of R, which is our usual source of entertainment, for an hour or so longer. K had picked up a German chocolate cake from a new bakery, and I managed to scarf a piece of that too, even though I was completely stuffed from dinner. Too much food, too much wine, perfect amount of fun.

I'm wondering about something you wrote last night: you said you weren't going to worry about losing 20lbs before you came to visit. Are you refering to the usual angst we experience when meeting new people? Yeah, relax about that. Honestly, we're a bunch of junk-food scarfing, beer swiggin', exercise-once-a-month couch potatoes over here. Sloppy joes and tater tots. Hot Tamales around the firepit. FYI; no one around here will even notice if you wear sweats the entire time you're here. :) Oh, and cheek kisses? Sorry. We're full on the mouth, this group. You won't be spared.

Today, J's out with half the rest of the neighborhood, getting a head start on the Christmas lights before the rain comes. M's still sleeping, JJ's out giving football-throwing lessons to the little kids, and I'd best get my act together if I'm going to get anything done myself. Enjoy your day of cooking and organizing and planning and wishing...sounds perfect. If we get home in time for a call this afternoon, I'll try you.

Love you,
A

Soup's On

Good morning, A.

What I wouldn't give for a storm to blow in tonight and grant me my first snow day. Not likely, although we finally have a cold front coming in and temps will getting down into the more seasonable 40s. Snow days are in my future; I can feel it. But it won't be tomorrow, unfortunately. Too bad, since I'm enjoying the weekend and experimenting in the kitchen so much, and will hate to go back to work tomorrow.

Yesterday I was thrilled to find a recipe for Senegalese peanut soup that was easier and more "figure friendly" than one I've had in the past. It was delicious. Spicy, flavorful, aromatic. I'd make it again in a heartbeat. This morning, while my coffee was brewing I put together a slow cooker dhal. I've never made spiced lentils before and I'm always on the lookout for something I can make in the crock pot, so I figured what the heck--that's two reasons to make it. Later today, when I'm getting ready for a glass of wine, I'll make my mushroom and caramelized onion pizza. I may even try to make naan.

Meanwhile, I'm generating a list of things to do as I go: organize my recipe notebooks, organize cookbooks, organize my plastic container cupboard, plan a small cocktail party, etc. I know I won't get to it all, but I would if I had a snow day tomorrow...Oh well, at least I'm taking advantage of Saturday and Sunday.

I hope you had fun last night and that today is a good day.

Love, B

Blessings

Okay, A, in the future, when you write an entry like that you might want to start with you should probably grab a cocktail (between 12 and 5) or a glass of wine (after 5)...lol

An eventful 24 hours indeed. While reading, for whatever reason, I thought of an expression one of my colleagues shared with me years ago. She is Romanian, and shared that "back in [her] old country," when it came to matters of fate, of getting signs from the universe, they would say "God won't hit you with a stick." He may, however, bruise your ribs and get you home where you should be....Amen.

You sure do have great friends, A. Chinese food and cake and champagne sounds awesome. As much as I crave having coffee face to face with you out of your Hey, Diddle Diddle mugs, I also can't wait to meet your friends, to wear a BLU sweatshirt for a weekend. I'm not even going to pretend to try or want to lose 20 pounds between now and then. I know I'll be getting cheek kisses and hugs 20 minutes after I meet them or as I walk away from the fire pit, regardless....

Wow. That just reminded me that on my last two visits, J would always give me a hug and a kiss too when he would turn in and leave us to all our late-night-Gemini blah blah. You do have good one there, A. Hang on to him, too.

Even if your nails look like sh*t today, Amanda, you're doing okay.

Love You Lots,
Barb

Respite

Yum...homemade pizza! I have to admit I've only ever tried it kid-style, on flatbread, or Boboli, and usually only with the standard toppings of pepperoni and extra cheese. Bottled pizza sauce, too. Not particularly creative, but it's usually a hit for dinner. Someday, when the kids are gone and no one cares, I'm going to make pizza with all kinds of weird and yummy toppings, handmade dough and all. Until then...

Well, Barb, I have what seeems to be so much news that has happened in so short a period of time; I might actually be able to truly give the Reader's Digest version. Let's try:

Thursday night, everyone was coming over for dinner, remember - fajitas? Around 6:30, as we were putting out the food, my phone rang and it was V. The upshot of the phone call was that M had been picked up at school earlier in the day by his aunt, because he was injured and needed to go to the doctor, and that he was staying at his aunt's house. Yes, it was CC, she's an emergency contact, but the reason she was called was because when M went down to the nurse's office with a possible cracked rib, he told her he was homeless and not to contact his parents. The fact that there was a substitute nurse in that day, who clearly botched up protocol, led to CC picking M up, taking him to the doctor and then back to her house, all without calling me because he begged her not to. She was very upset and didn't know what to do, so she threw it on J, my brother, who said he would call me, but never did. He figured he'd just let M cool down, he'd get home from work and talk to him, figure out what was going on, then, then call me. At 6:30, V called asking if M was ok and that's when I found out he was over at CC's. My J went down there and picked him up, as he had worn out his welcome at V's by this time. He brought him back here and we spent two hours or so trying to talk to him in his room, although after a short time, I had to leave because I'm so confrontational that it makes it all worse. Finally he went to bed and J rejoined our dinner party (hahaha!) for awhile.

At 9:00 or so, as everyone was heading out the door, my brother showed up. He stayed for a couple of hours and we filled him in on everything and he apologized for not calling and said they were just confused and afraid for M and had no idea any of this was going on so they were completely blindsided by it. My only issue with the not calling was this: What tiny, little, nagging thing is at the back of his mind that tells him it might not be safe for M if he calls me? There had to be something, and that really hurt. To think that for even the slightest moment, he thought that maybe M really was telling the truth.

But it's done. I'm over that. The bottom line is that I have family who stepped up to the plate and took care of my kids without any hesitation. Friday, M got up and got ready for school like any other normal day. (which kind of made me giggle a little - like taking his flatiron when he was "running away", he doesn't really know what else to do.) J had a little talk with him and gave him lunch money. He told J, "I want you to know I'm going to try to work on this."

J and I headed down to the school later on and met with the principal, who was awesome, and got everything straightened out. You know, got our contact lists updated and took Matt off the county homeless registry. Good F***ing God! Also, the principal, B, has a 20--some year background working with at-risk kids in Seattle, so he was a tremendous resource for us and totally understood what was happening in our family. I felt so supported and confident that someone, at least there, is going to help us. The Intervention Specialist is going to call me on Monday and B is going to send a discreet email to all of M's teachers, which I think is not only great, but necessary. I hated being out of the loop on things like that in my classroom - I was always a sucker for giving lunch money to the "homeless kids".

So last night, he came home from school on time. He hung around in his room for awhile, grunted "hi" as he passed me in the hall. Then J came home and decided he need to run some errands for work, and would M like to go with him? So off they went, the two of them. Have I told you how much I love my husband right now? An hour or two went by and turns out they had to respond to a car wreck while they were out. When they finally got home, it was like I had my old kid back, B. He was chatty and warm and funny and engaged... we had sloppy joes and tater tots (wow, there's America for you) for dinner and he talked, talked, talked all through the meal. After dinner, he helped J with the dishes, and then the three of us moved into the family room and sprawled out on the couches while JJ played Playstation. We didn't talk about any of "this" but we talked for a long, long time. I have never felt so happy or hopeful or grateful, ever.

There are only two things I really need to say: 1) I am perfectly (painfully) aware that this is not the magical end of the nightmare; I know that this is an anomoly in the grand scheme of things. I know we're at the very beginning of a very long journey. and 2) I did not realize how much simply not having him in my house was debilitating me. I was attributing my depressive episodes and general immobility to the whole thing; in reality, the actual absence of his body was my greatest roadblock. Even when he was in the house Thursday night, not speaking to me, angry and hateful, I was able to think straighter, to move and function.

This wasn't exactly the RD version was it? Darn it! And I thought I could do it! Today I am taking my boys to the mall to get M some new shoes. Hang out and act normal. Obviously, we are not going out of town tonight, as planned. However, T got sick and decided that he and S weren't going to go either, so K called me this morning and said they'd given up all together - it wasn't going to be any fun without us, so they're staying home. They're having Chinese food and cake and champagne for everyone at their house instead. I love my friends. :)

So, that's where we are today. Tiny little baby steps. Listen. Forgive. Try. Be patient. Two days ago, I saw a sterling silver ring with the words "Let go, let God" inscribed on the band. I looked at it for a long time and something was telling me I had to have it. I bought it, and it's snugly wrapped around my finger now, a constant reminder that I am not alone and that I am not in total control. I look at it all day long, I twist it around and around when I am having trouble breathing. It's helping.

I hope you have a fabulous and quiet Saturday - I would love to chat but probably won't be home much today. We have an afternoon birthday party tomorrow so maybe I'll have some time before or after that. For now, I'm going to sign off this crisis state and try to have a normal day.

Love you lots,

A

The Art of Making Pizza

Hello, Amanda.

I can't remember if you are going away tonight or tomorrow night, so I don't know when you'll read or write again, but I am taking my daily turn at the keyboard regardless. Interesting, just acknowledging yesterday that I had been neglecting writing was enough to get me going again. I said out loud that I've let life distract me and voila I'm ready for an artist's weekend, if you will. On my way to my parents' this afternoon, I wondered if there was anything I needed or wanted at the grocery store that I should pick up, in case I might choose not to leave the house this weekend. The first things that came to mind were pizza dough and mushrooms....

I had been making pizza every weekend there for a while. Not coincidentally, that was when I was on my writing roll, when I couldn't walk around a corner without thinking of something I wanted to write, when I was in the writer's equivalent of the runner's zone. My creativity was peaking when I planned time in the kitchen every weekend to roll and stretch dough, then paint it with olive oil and herbs, and decorate it with cheese I grated myself and mushrooms and onions that I had sliced and sauteed and seasoned. I would sit and write while it cooked, and let my nose lead me back to the oven before the timer went off, just in time to see bubbles of dough and cheese turn brown. I always felt like I should take a picture when I sat down to a slice, and sometimes I did.

I checked my journal when I got home (because you know I started obsessing, did I really make it every weekend? how long has it been since I made it last?) and discovered I haven't made pizza for 3 weekends now. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Clearly I'm overdue for standing in the kitchen pounding and rolling, chopping and seasoning, which I see now complements the time I spend sitting down pushing keys at my computer.

So that's my plan. I have a couple of new cookbooks and a pile of catalogs to look through, and although I am low on wine, I think I could keep myself sequestered until Monday morning if that's what moved me (or manage a quick trip to the liquor store). (I hate being low on wine.)

If you're still around I'd love to hear from you. If you are already away, I will look forward to hearing from you when you get back.

Sending lots of love, Barb

Plans

Hey, A,

As I just explained on the phone, it's not so much that my entries are always short and concise...it's that they are short when I'm not into writing, when I allow myself to be distracted by life and forget to be a writer.

The past week has not been a good writing week for me. After the election and the sleep deprivation that resulted from my obsessive political TV viewing, I opted for extra sleep for a couple of days rather than purging my brain of the little sh*t that clogs it up and keeps me from being creative. Instead of my Morning Pages, I slept in. Then I got distracted by my list of things to do, on a tight budget no less, before W's visit. But W is gone and I'm caught up on sleep and I'm ready to re-up my writing life. This weekend I should have plenty of time.

I have no plans for the weekend, nothing going on, other than stopping by my parents' so I can look at--and revise--the sketch/plans I drew for my father (before I moved in here) to build me an entertainment center. I got over feeling bad about his not making it for me in the heartbeat I estimate it would have taken him to complete a similar project for either of my sisters or their husbands, and figured I'd be furniture shopping as soon as I get my finances in order. But lo and behold, he called Monday night and asked about what kind of finish I'd like because he would like to make it for me. He even apologized as he explained he hadn't forgotten. I guess the upside of this is that I have changed my mind about what I'd like (e.g., scrap the CD shelves, increase book space). Maybe I'll browse on line or in a couple of furniture stores before I head over. I'll also consult with my cousin D, who is an interior designer and with whom I remember talking about it a little this past summer. (See, I told you I'm not always concise.)

I'm glad to hear you are planning to get away this weekend. You certainly need and deserve the diversion and I know you'll have a great time. Enjoy your dinner tonight/fajita night at BLU! :) Talk to you soon.

Love you, Barb

A Burst of Energy

Hey you,

No worries about not calling yesterday, honestly. I am so grateful for everyone who checks in on me every day; I can't tell you how loved and supported I feel and how lucky I know I am. Please don't feel like anything you say is inane or patronizing, it could never be. It's that whole how do you talk to someone with cancer thing, isn't it? Believe me, it's even worse on this side when it's all you want/are able to talk about and you feel like you're draining the life right out of everyone around you. I had a long talk with K the other night (albeit not exactly sober) about becoming a vegetable over this. MC and I had talked about the concept of grieving - that I will probably experience a lot of the same things during this that I would if I had lost him, truly. That makes perfect sense to me; the death of dreams and the way I hoped it would all turn out...without losing hope, though, that something different, and good, will come through in the end.

Several months ago, my friend J lost her 11-day-old baby, the third child she has lost in five years (one still birth, one late-term miscarriage). At this point, she barely functions. Of course, my heart breaks for her and I absolutely understand that inability to get up every day and do it again when every ounce of your body feels like lead, your heart the heaviest of all. But I watch her and I am so sad for her other, living children. She isn't able to be there for them, and they really need her. My point is, I just can't let that happen to me. I can't give in to the depression and helplessness; I must get my ass off the couch and move. Maybe I can't quite get to the gym, yet, but I can't let the paralysis take over.

I got up this morning and took my meds right away (usually I'm up for an hour or two beforehand). I made a big pot of coffee and a long, but manageable to-do list. So far, I've crossed three things off the list and it's only 8:45!! I am determined to leave my house today, run errands, talk to people. It helps that I have another session with MC this afternoon, which includes talking with a colleague of hers who specializes in private facilities for troubled teens (hello!). She researches the schools that I refer to as the "remote ranch in Montana."

Yesterday I did talk to V, and she told me that she and her husband had decided to tell M that he can only stay with them until Sunday. She is not willing to take on this responsibility and I don't blame her one bit. She's getting frustrated with him too. So we'll see what happens on Sunday. Whether he finds some new friend to stay with, calls his Dad, hits the streets or comes home...who knows? I keep telling myself that maintaining my sense of humor through this is crucial, so I'll add here that I'm not afriad he'll hit the streets, because there really isn't any place to plug his flattening iron in.

[ Have you ever noticed that your posts are relatively short and concise, and mine just ramble on for days? Why is that? Blah, blah, blah, blah....]

Talking to my parents yesterday helped a bit too. They are angry, frustrated, confused - all the same things. My dad, although he wouldn't word it this way, is worried out of his mind. I almost hated to tell him, to have him walking around with this in his head, too. I also spent a couple of hours with S in the morning, after we put the boys on the bus. I was remarkably calm and, well, probably just numb, while i told her everything, but she didn't do very well with it. She was crying and hugging me and kept telling me she was so sorry and she loved me....S is not a very openly emotional person so I know she was really hurting for us. I'm glad I told her; I think in the end, even if it's embarrassing or I'm afraid of being judged, people need to know that this kind of thing happens to good families A) and 2) no one's kids are exempt from the dangers of teenagerdom.

So, the flooding turned out to be not as bad as predicted (thank God) and all is well (and dry) here in Washington. The sun is out, which is a little dose of Vitamin D I can seriously use. I am working on my PTA newsletter today, which I do enjoy doing, so that's good. Got the radio cranked up on my favorite morning talk show, good java in my favorite cup (the purple one) and the feeling that God is taking care of me in small, quiet ways.

Glad to hear you and W had a good visit. I hope your day is going well and you've got some relaxing stuff planned for the weekend. Maybe we can chat this afternoon - I'll be in AND OUT :-)

Love you,
Amanda

Sorry

Good morning, Amanda.

I'm so sorry I didn't write or call yesterday. Honestly, I was in bed at 7. It was great to have W here and have him be happy, but I don't sleep very well with him around. He snores and has nightmares, and I guess I never spend enough time with him to get very used to it, so it affects my sleep. Last night I did my catching up--after what was a very nice visit.

Sorry to hear that the counseling didn't go very well. I'm angry and frustrated and all those things but don't know how to talk about that without sounding inane or patronizing. Please know that you can use me as a sounding board. Also know that if you don't feel like talking about it, rehashing it all, that is fine too.

I promise to check in again later.

Take care. Love, Barb

~ Update ~

Hey, Barb,

Sounds like you and W are having a great visit. That salt incident really points up the fact that he's not a foodie, eh?! Too bad you missed out on the info about school; I hate when that happens! Positive side: you probably got some extra work done. :)

We went to our counseling session last night with M. I would love to report that we made some headway, a little bit of progress, that something changed for the better. But that's not what happened; instead, we more or less went backwards and it ended horribly. Part of me wants to fill you in on the details, the rest of me just can't go there again. He sat there for almost two hours, barely saying a word. He wouldn't make eye contact with any of us (A included). He kept saying things like If I want to kill myself, that's my right. Why are you so upset about that? When asked, repeatedly, point blank, if he were going to kill himself, he was always smart enough to say no, but would follow with things like but I can't predict the future. He knows that we can't get him into a hospital if he just says he's fine. The most we got out of him was that he didn't want to live at our house because he and I don't get along. S's home structure is just better for him. That was all he could say. He said he doesn't need help.

Clearly, from anyone's perspective, he really, really does. A was very concerned about him when we met with her later, without him. She made him sign a contract giving permission for her to talk to V (S's mom). It was a safety contract and he signed it willingly, but he's such a good liar and manipulator that that meant nothing as far as I was concerned. He refused to come back home with us, so that was the best A could do, I guess.

By the time we left, I was shaking with anger; he's lucky I didn't just leave his ass sitting there at 8:00 at night to find his own way home. A was practically begging us not to give up on him; both J and I were ready to close the door. We agreed not to make any decisions for a couple of days, but it was pretty clear that he's not coming back here any time soon. Or ever.

I am not required to financially support him if he chooses to live over there, so I have to call V today and have that talk with her. My kid has a safe, healthy home. He's choosing not to live here. Too bad for you, he likes your house better, so if you want to keep him there, he's all yours. Fortunately, A talked to her last night and she'll already have an objective run down of our session. I'm supposed to share all this crap with her now, because she's evidently going to be taking care of M. Against my will, probably against her own better judgement. Why this stranger has to be involved in my personal psychological battles is completely frustrating and embarrassing, but this is all for my sick kid, right? Somebody, please convince me that he's truly ill, because his behavior last night sure seemed deliberate. Calculated and manipulative and hate-filled, and absolutely on purpose. But I guess that's what mental illness does - makes you act in ways you wouldn't if you were well?

I am still angry, hurt and totally confused. He cannot be involuntarily committed to a hospital unless he's pretty much bleeding out his wrists; of course, he won't go willingly. Because of his age, there is literally nothing I can do to get him help, short of having some renegade intervention team yank him out of school and ship him off to some ranch in Montana. I'm not sure we're there - yet, if we ever will be - there is so much more to this. For one, I still don't even have legal custody of him. Isn't that just the f***ing irony of it all.

We dropped him back off at S's last night and J had a little talk with him about getting a job and helping V out with the bills. I couldn't talk to her last night so I'll call her today. Instead, I went over to K's and drank the better half of a bottle of red wine on an empty stomach. Naturally, I didn't sleep much; we're having a huge storm and major flooding in this area, so the noise from the rain and wind didn't help. My task today is to tell everyone, starting with S&T, because everyone knows something is going on. Then I have to call my parents. And my sister in law. Because in two weeks, everyone's going to be here for Thanksgiving and family portraits, except M. I'd probably better get the news out before we actually sit down to dinner.

At least, I suppose, I can breathe a little today; the fear and confusion I have felt for the past week is somewhat more tolerable, now that it is mixed with all this anger. I had an awesome session with MC (my counselor) yesterday before we went to A's and we (J and I) meet with her again on Thursday, so that's good for us. We have another appointment, M included, with A next Tuesday. Who knows if he will show up, who knows if there's any point in it.

I know this will pass and I will return to being a caring and loving mother, but right now, B, I am just done. Done, done, done.

It's late-start Wednesday today so I've got a little extra time this morning. If the flooding gets really bad, I'm a little worried about the kids being able to get home this afternoon. The last time this happened two years ago, the river flooded right up and over the bridge and all the traffic had to be diverted, which made getting anywhere totally insane for days. I'm just thinking I'll stay close to home today, just in case, so I can pick the kids up before the roads are useless.

Poor J, this makes for long days for him; they have to operate emergency centers and usually end up working through the nights. It sucks - he's so tired, so worn out, I don't think he can take much more stress. Not to mention, two nights ago, he went on a call at 2am for a kid who accidently killed himself huffing nitrous oxide. Turns out, it's a kid we know, an old friend of M's who used to live in our neighborhood. Like that didn't jack our fear and reality up a notch or two.

OMG - I can't take all my own doom and gloom!! Enough already!! My doorbell just rang and UPS delivered my shipment of wine from a vineyard I visited this summer. Yeah!! The guy was funny, asked me if I was 21 and told me he couldn't deliver this to an intoxicated person. Well, buddy, you've got good timing, 'cause right about now, there's a really good chance that you'd have to put that box back in the truck. I'm so excited to open my collection - I've never joined a wine club before and I so loved this winery. It's called Red Soles - the couple who owns it, their last name is Sole. Also, their logo is two red footprints; their own feet soaked in the juice of the first grapes they crushed. How much do you love that?! Oh, yeah, and their wine rocks!

Ok, I should probably motivate. Call later if you're up for a chat, but I also know that you're going to be spending time with W this afternoon and then debriefing in your own space afterwards. Have a great rest of the day and we'll catch up soon,
Love you!
A

Cream and Salt?

Good morning, Amanda.

I am so bummed right now. I got to school this morning only to find that because of testing, I do not have students until 9:15. (I guess I should read my memos) I could be home with W right now, could have taken my time this morning getting in. Oh well...I just checked in with him, and had a great laugh. Apparently, he put salt in his coffee. He thought my salt cellar was a sugar dish--even though it sits next to a pepper grinder and bottle of olive oil next to the stove-- and added it to his coffee. Helloooo!?!?! How about that sugar and creamer duo sitting by the coffee maker? Men! They can be so very helpless. We have had fun so far, doing our best on a low budget, just enjoying each other's company. It's been very nice. (By the way, my crock pot dinner came out great. I'll share the recipe later.)

I wonder how you're week is going. I think counseling was yesterday and I'm sorry I didn't check in with you. W leaves tonight. I'll call you when he's gone.

Love, Barb

Great minds...

Looks like we were writing in sync again. Wishing you a better night's sleep :-)

Good Energy

Hi, Barb,

Thanks for the long phone chat this morning. I hope the rest of your Sunday went well, doing "boyfriend prep" :)

I came home with the intention of parking on the couch and doing nothing the rest of the day, but my kitchen counters were covered in dirty dishes from last night, so I had to get that out of the way before I could relax. Then J went out to work in the yard, but not before starting a load of laundry, so that has become an all day task. I did spend a fair amount of time channel surfing (there is seriously nothing on tv on Sundays) but never could really veg out. So here I am - not very inspired to write, but....

Did I tell you about the ad in our local paper last week, calling for guest columnists? Each Wednesday, in the paper from the city, there is a section devoted only to the news in this area of the county. They are forming a panel of 4-5 volunteer writers, each of whom will write one column per month. Columnists are expected to write about current events, and to keep it as local as possible. Possible topics include politics, health, education and the environment. Guests may also share unique wisdom in a personal experience or social trend. Applicants have to submit two sample columns of about 450 words, by Friday the 14th.

So, I cut the ad out of the paper, and K called me the same day to tell me about it. Of course I'm wildly interested, but the thought of writing two columns (about what?) by Friday is so daunting. Jeez, I can hardly blog! How am I going to come up with news?? I haven't given up on the idea yet, though. I'm confident that something will come to me for the samples. If you happen to think of any brilliant topics, let me know. I need a jump-off point. I have no experience writing a column, so I don't really know where to start (other than reading the one in this week's paper). Funny how this comes up now, after all we've done to start writing again. How cool would that be, to write a little rinky-dink column in our paper? Good energy, I tell you.

I also have my PTA newsletter due this week, which I enjoy doing, but now feel a little pressured by. (I have a freakin' column to write! I don't have time for a PTA newsletter!) It's good, I guess; if I can keep the motivation up, this will keep me busy and out of my own head for a few days. The hard part is physically moving my body to do things...sounds lazy, I know, but I I feel like lead lately. I'm sure that's normal, but I didn't expect to be debilitated by this and it's more than a little annoying. I spend a great deal of time talking to myself, in an effort to keep moving. Literally, picking up the laundry basket and saying out loud, "Ok, let's go. Let's just get one load done, then you can sit down. Put some music on. Turn off the tv. Up we go, up the stairs..." Seriously, I was doing it in Target yesterday too, when I couldn't remember to check off the things on my list. "Ok, look at it again. Go through each item, one by one. Look in the basket. Don't freak out on this." I'm sure I looked a littly loony, wandering among the kitchen gadgets, but then again, people probably thought I was on my Bluetooth.

So that's my thing for tomorrow and Tuesday. I think we'll probably take JJ to the movies on our day off, then I'm hoping to drop him off with K for dinner and...whatever after that. I did do some more research today and found out that there are transition homes for teens in our county that are available for kids who can't/won't go home but whose parents don't want them at a friend's house. The woman I talked to about this today said that our counselor should be able to refer us to that option if we don't get an agreement to come home. This, I think, I would be alright with, moreso than another week or however long at S's house. It would give us time to figure out a plan and I wouldn't feel like such a failure of a mom. I guess it would just feel more like I was doing the right thing. Don't ask me why, I really don't know.

Anyhoo....we're going to stay home for dinner tonight and get JJ in bed early. He didn't get to sleep until after 11 last night and he's been outside since 11 this morning. I'm not sure if he's even eaten anything since breakfast, unless he ate at JK's house and I don't know about it. The two of them have been inseparable the past couple of weeks. (Did I send you Halloween pics?) She dyed his hair pink yesterday - man, she's got him wrapped. He assured me it would come out in the shower; normally I wouldn't care about hair color but it appears to have been a gateway to my life falling apart lately, so I'm going to steer clear with this kid.

Ha ha...sense of humor, remember? Off to heat up my leftover lasagna and call it a night (it's pitch dark already at 5pm. I really hate that. )

Have a good day tomorrow, and welcome to W for an overdue visit...talk to you soon.
Love, A