A Burst of Energy

Hey you,

No worries about not calling yesterday, honestly. I am so grateful for everyone who checks in on me every day; I can't tell you how loved and supported I feel and how lucky I know I am. Please don't feel like anything you say is inane or patronizing, it could never be. It's that whole how do you talk to someone with cancer thing, isn't it? Believe me, it's even worse on this side when it's all you want/are able to talk about and you feel like you're draining the life right out of everyone around you. I had a long talk with K the other night (albeit not exactly sober) about becoming a vegetable over this. MC and I had talked about the concept of grieving - that I will probably experience a lot of the same things during this that I would if I had lost him, truly. That makes perfect sense to me; the death of dreams and the way I hoped it would all turn out...without losing hope, though, that something different, and good, will come through in the end.

Several months ago, my friend J lost her 11-day-old baby, the third child she has lost in five years (one still birth, one late-term miscarriage). At this point, she barely functions. Of course, my heart breaks for her and I absolutely understand that inability to get up every day and do it again when every ounce of your body feels like lead, your heart the heaviest of all. But I watch her and I am so sad for her other, living children. She isn't able to be there for them, and they really need her. My point is, I just can't let that happen to me. I can't give in to the depression and helplessness; I must get my ass off the couch and move. Maybe I can't quite get to the gym, yet, but I can't let the paralysis take over.

I got up this morning and took my meds right away (usually I'm up for an hour or two beforehand). I made a big pot of coffee and a long, but manageable to-do list. So far, I've crossed three things off the list and it's only 8:45!! I am determined to leave my house today, run errands, talk to people. It helps that I have another session with MC this afternoon, which includes talking with a colleague of hers who specializes in private facilities for troubled teens (hello!). She researches the schools that I refer to as the "remote ranch in Montana."

Yesterday I did talk to V, and she told me that she and her husband had decided to tell M that he can only stay with them until Sunday. She is not willing to take on this responsibility and I don't blame her one bit. She's getting frustrated with him too. So we'll see what happens on Sunday. Whether he finds some new friend to stay with, calls his Dad, hits the streets or comes home...who knows? I keep telling myself that maintaining my sense of humor through this is crucial, so I'll add here that I'm not afriad he'll hit the streets, because there really isn't any place to plug his flattening iron in.

[ Have you ever noticed that your posts are relatively short and concise, and mine just ramble on for days? Why is that? Blah, blah, blah, blah....]

Talking to my parents yesterday helped a bit too. They are angry, frustrated, confused - all the same things. My dad, although he wouldn't word it this way, is worried out of his mind. I almost hated to tell him, to have him walking around with this in his head, too. I also spent a couple of hours with S in the morning, after we put the boys on the bus. I was remarkably calm and, well, probably just numb, while i told her everything, but she didn't do very well with it. She was crying and hugging me and kept telling me she was so sorry and she loved me....S is not a very openly emotional person so I know she was really hurting for us. I'm glad I told her; I think in the end, even if it's embarrassing or I'm afraid of being judged, people need to know that this kind of thing happens to good families A) and 2) no one's kids are exempt from the dangers of teenagerdom.

So, the flooding turned out to be not as bad as predicted (thank God) and all is well (and dry) here in Washington. The sun is out, which is a little dose of Vitamin D I can seriously use. I am working on my PTA newsletter today, which I do enjoy doing, so that's good. Got the radio cranked up on my favorite morning talk show, good java in my favorite cup (the purple one) and the feeling that God is taking care of me in small, quiet ways.

Glad to hear you and W had a good visit. I hope your day is going well and you've got some relaxing stuff planned for the weekend. Maybe we can chat this afternoon - I'll be in AND OUT :-)

Love you,
Amanda