Hangin' In

Hey stranger,

I feel like I haven't been here in ages. I am so not equipped, mentally, to write. I kept thinking, each day this week, that I would want to sit down and get rid of some of the garbage in my head, but I couldn't. I guess I've been playing a bit of the avoidance game - a better term might be diversion - with the knowledge that I will stay sane as long as I don't have to think about "it" all the time.

Today is the fourth day that M has been gone. I didn't talk to you about meeting S's mom for coffee, which actually went quite well. She is a talker (makes me look like the silent type) so I really didn't say much, but in the end I felt that M is ok with her. The bottom line is that she's a much different parent than I; we definitely come from different educational, socio-economic and family value backgrounds, but it's clear that she loves her kids and will take care of mine. She's a little like T in that I think she would take in any stray animal or kid because she's just that way - if she weren't, where would we be? So I am grateful that she has taken on this favor to me, regardless of that fact that it is something she would do without being asked.

I talked to M just now. He is still very non-communicative with one-word answers and a barely audible love you too at the end of the 2-minute conversation. He has agreed to go to counseling on Tuesday night, so I still have 3 and a half days without him at home to get through. I'm not sure what to expect from that session, whether he will be coming home with us, getting checked into the hospital or the unknown other options. I am hopeful that something will move us forward; this in-limbo thing is killing me.

I have tried to stay super busy this week. I have confided in K, mostly because she's non-judgemental and has had significant experience with mental health issues. She, like you, checks on me every day. I am grateful, too, for that. A arrived yesterday and we spent a very relaxing day running little errands, shopping for wine club tonight and just hanging out. JJ had a football game last night that was in the big high school stadium with the lights and everything. It was so exciting - it's just flag football, but it was a glimpse of my (I hope) future as a football mom. I was so touched by my friends - S&T, the boys, K&R and A were all there to watch my son play his first game on a real field. We started the evening with a bottle of wine and back-to-back episodes of Cash Cab, went to the game, then all ended up back here eating take-out pizza until almost 11. It was an awesome night, and so what I needed. I feel completely surrounded by the love and energy I need to keep going.

Today A is down visiting with my brother, so J and I will run our last-minute errands and get the house ready for wine club. It was so hard to pick up the phone and call M, and regardless of his response, I'm glad I did. I miss him, strangely enough.

Let's just keep that Prozac coming....at least til Tuesday....

Hope you're having a great weekend - you didn't mention what you are up to but I just called and you're not home, so I hope you're out having fun. A's flight leaves at 11 tomorrow so maybe I'll try to call you on my way home from the airport, with 45 minutes of quiet time.

Love you,
Amanda