Respite

Yum...homemade pizza! I have to admit I've only ever tried it kid-style, on flatbread, or Boboli, and usually only with the standard toppings of pepperoni and extra cheese. Bottled pizza sauce, too. Not particularly creative, but it's usually a hit for dinner. Someday, when the kids are gone and no one cares, I'm going to make pizza with all kinds of weird and yummy toppings, handmade dough and all. Until then...

Well, Barb, I have what seeems to be so much news that has happened in so short a period of time; I might actually be able to truly give the Reader's Digest version. Let's try:

Thursday night, everyone was coming over for dinner, remember - fajitas? Around 6:30, as we were putting out the food, my phone rang and it was V. The upshot of the phone call was that M had been picked up at school earlier in the day by his aunt, because he was injured and needed to go to the doctor, and that he was staying at his aunt's house. Yes, it was CC, she's an emergency contact, but the reason she was called was because when M went down to the nurse's office with a possible cracked rib, he told her he was homeless and not to contact his parents. The fact that there was a substitute nurse in that day, who clearly botched up protocol, led to CC picking M up, taking him to the doctor and then back to her house, all without calling me because he begged her not to. She was very upset and didn't know what to do, so she threw it on J, my brother, who said he would call me, but never did. He figured he'd just let M cool down, he'd get home from work and talk to him, figure out what was going on, then, then call me. At 6:30, V called asking if M was ok and that's when I found out he was over at CC's. My J went down there and picked him up, as he had worn out his welcome at V's by this time. He brought him back here and we spent two hours or so trying to talk to him in his room, although after a short time, I had to leave because I'm so confrontational that it makes it all worse. Finally he went to bed and J rejoined our dinner party (hahaha!) for awhile.

At 9:00 or so, as everyone was heading out the door, my brother showed up. He stayed for a couple of hours and we filled him in on everything and he apologized for not calling and said they were just confused and afraid for M and had no idea any of this was going on so they were completely blindsided by it. My only issue with the not calling was this: What tiny, little, nagging thing is at the back of his mind that tells him it might not be safe for M if he calls me? There had to be something, and that really hurt. To think that for even the slightest moment, he thought that maybe M really was telling the truth.

But it's done. I'm over that. The bottom line is that I have family who stepped up to the plate and took care of my kids without any hesitation. Friday, M got up and got ready for school like any other normal day. (which kind of made me giggle a little - like taking his flatiron when he was "running away", he doesn't really know what else to do.) J had a little talk with him and gave him lunch money. He told J, "I want you to know I'm going to try to work on this."

J and I headed down to the school later on and met with the principal, who was awesome, and got everything straightened out. You know, got our contact lists updated and took Matt off the county homeless registry. Good F***ing God! Also, the principal, B, has a 20--some year background working with at-risk kids in Seattle, so he was a tremendous resource for us and totally understood what was happening in our family. I felt so supported and confident that someone, at least there, is going to help us. The Intervention Specialist is going to call me on Monday and B is going to send a discreet email to all of M's teachers, which I think is not only great, but necessary. I hated being out of the loop on things like that in my classroom - I was always a sucker for giving lunch money to the "homeless kids".

So last night, he came home from school on time. He hung around in his room for awhile, grunted "hi" as he passed me in the hall. Then J came home and decided he need to run some errands for work, and would M like to go with him? So off they went, the two of them. Have I told you how much I love my husband right now? An hour or two went by and turns out they had to respond to a car wreck while they were out. When they finally got home, it was like I had my old kid back, B. He was chatty and warm and funny and engaged... we had sloppy joes and tater tots (wow, there's America for you) for dinner and he talked, talked, talked all through the meal. After dinner, he helped J with the dishes, and then the three of us moved into the family room and sprawled out on the couches while JJ played Playstation. We didn't talk about any of "this" but we talked for a long, long time. I have never felt so happy or hopeful or grateful, ever.

There are only two things I really need to say: 1) I am perfectly (painfully) aware that this is not the magical end of the nightmare; I know that this is an anomoly in the grand scheme of things. I know we're at the very beginning of a very long journey. and 2) I did not realize how much simply not having him in my house was debilitating me. I was attributing my depressive episodes and general immobility to the whole thing; in reality, the actual absence of his body was my greatest roadblock. Even when he was in the house Thursday night, not speaking to me, angry and hateful, I was able to think straighter, to move and function.

This wasn't exactly the RD version was it? Darn it! And I thought I could do it! Today I am taking my boys to the mall to get M some new shoes. Hang out and act normal. Obviously, we are not going out of town tonight, as planned. However, T got sick and decided that he and S weren't going to go either, so K called me this morning and said they'd given up all together - it wasn't going to be any fun without us, so they're staying home. They're having Chinese food and cake and champagne for everyone at their house instead. I love my friends. :)

So, that's where we are today. Tiny little baby steps. Listen. Forgive. Try. Be patient. Two days ago, I saw a sterling silver ring with the words "Let go, let God" inscribed on the band. I looked at it for a long time and something was telling me I had to have it. I bought it, and it's snugly wrapped around my finger now, a constant reminder that I am not alone and that I am not in total control. I look at it all day long, I twist it around and around when I am having trouble breathing. It's helping.

I hope you have a fabulous and quiet Saturday - I would love to chat but probably won't be home much today. We have an afternoon birthday party tomorrow so maybe I'll have some time before or after that. For now, I'm going to sign off this crisis state and try to have a normal day.

Love you lots,

A