~ Update ~

Hey, Barb,

Sounds like you and W are having a great visit. That salt incident really points up the fact that he's not a foodie, eh?! Too bad you missed out on the info about school; I hate when that happens! Positive side: you probably got some extra work done. :)

We went to our counseling session last night with M. I would love to report that we made some headway, a little bit of progress, that something changed for the better. But that's not what happened; instead, we more or less went backwards and it ended horribly. Part of me wants to fill you in on the details, the rest of me just can't go there again. He sat there for almost two hours, barely saying a word. He wouldn't make eye contact with any of us (A included). He kept saying things like If I want to kill myself, that's my right. Why are you so upset about that? When asked, repeatedly, point blank, if he were going to kill himself, he was always smart enough to say no, but would follow with things like but I can't predict the future. He knows that we can't get him into a hospital if he just says he's fine. The most we got out of him was that he didn't want to live at our house because he and I don't get along. S's home structure is just better for him. That was all he could say. He said he doesn't need help.

Clearly, from anyone's perspective, he really, really does. A was very concerned about him when we met with her later, without him. She made him sign a contract giving permission for her to talk to V (S's mom). It was a safety contract and he signed it willingly, but he's such a good liar and manipulator that that meant nothing as far as I was concerned. He refused to come back home with us, so that was the best A could do, I guess.

By the time we left, I was shaking with anger; he's lucky I didn't just leave his ass sitting there at 8:00 at night to find his own way home. A was practically begging us not to give up on him; both J and I were ready to close the door. We agreed not to make any decisions for a couple of days, but it was pretty clear that he's not coming back here any time soon. Or ever.

I am not required to financially support him if he chooses to live over there, so I have to call V today and have that talk with her. My kid has a safe, healthy home. He's choosing not to live here. Too bad for you, he likes your house better, so if you want to keep him there, he's all yours. Fortunately, A talked to her last night and she'll already have an objective run down of our session. I'm supposed to share all this crap with her now, because she's evidently going to be taking care of M. Against my will, probably against her own better judgement. Why this stranger has to be involved in my personal psychological battles is completely frustrating and embarrassing, but this is all for my sick kid, right? Somebody, please convince me that he's truly ill, because his behavior last night sure seemed deliberate. Calculated and manipulative and hate-filled, and absolutely on purpose. But I guess that's what mental illness does - makes you act in ways you wouldn't if you were well?

I am still angry, hurt and totally confused. He cannot be involuntarily committed to a hospital unless he's pretty much bleeding out his wrists; of course, he won't go willingly. Because of his age, there is literally nothing I can do to get him help, short of having some renegade intervention team yank him out of school and ship him off to some ranch in Montana. I'm not sure we're there - yet, if we ever will be - there is so much more to this. For one, I still don't even have legal custody of him. Isn't that just the f***ing irony of it all.

We dropped him back off at S's last night and J had a little talk with him about getting a job and helping V out with the bills. I couldn't talk to her last night so I'll call her today. Instead, I went over to K's and drank the better half of a bottle of red wine on an empty stomach. Naturally, I didn't sleep much; we're having a huge storm and major flooding in this area, so the noise from the rain and wind didn't help. My task today is to tell everyone, starting with S&T, because everyone knows something is going on. Then I have to call my parents. And my sister in law. Because in two weeks, everyone's going to be here for Thanksgiving and family portraits, except M. I'd probably better get the news out before we actually sit down to dinner.

At least, I suppose, I can breathe a little today; the fear and confusion I have felt for the past week is somewhat more tolerable, now that it is mixed with all this anger. I had an awesome session with MC (my counselor) yesterday before we went to A's and we (J and I) meet with her again on Thursday, so that's good for us. We have another appointment, M included, with A next Tuesday. Who knows if he will show up, who knows if there's any point in it.

I know this will pass and I will return to being a caring and loving mother, but right now, B, I am just done. Done, done, done.

It's late-start Wednesday today so I've got a little extra time this morning. If the flooding gets really bad, I'm a little worried about the kids being able to get home this afternoon. The last time this happened two years ago, the river flooded right up and over the bridge and all the traffic had to be diverted, which made getting anywhere totally insane for days. I'm just thinking I'll stay close to home today, just in case, so I can pick the kids up before the roads are useless.

Poor J, this makes for long days for him; they have to operate emergency centers and usually end up working through the nights. It sucks - he's so tired, so worn out, I don't think he can take much more stress. Not to mention, two nights ago, he went on a call at 2am for a kid who accidently killed himself huffing nitrous oxide. Turns out, it's a kid we know, an old friend of M's who used to live in our neighborhood. Like that didn't jack our fear and reality up a notch or two.

OMG - I can't take all my own doom and gloom!! Enough already!! My doorbell just rang and UPS delivered my shipment of wine from a vineyard I visited this summer. Yeah!! The guy was funny, asked me if I was 21 and told me he couldn't deliver this to an intoxicated person. Well, buddy, you've got good timing, 'cause right about now, there's a really good chance that you'd have to put that box back in the truck. I'm so excited to open my collection - I've never joined a wine club before and I so loved this winery. It's called Red Soles - the couple who owns it, their last name is Sole. Also, their logo is two red footprints; their own feet soaked in the juice of the first grapes they crushed. How much do you love that?! Oh, yeah, and their wine rocks!

Ok, I should probably motivate. Call later if you're up for a chat, but I also know that you're going to be spending time with W this afternoon and then debriefing in your own space afterwards. Have a great rest of the day and we'll catch up soon,
Love you!
A