Not Feeling Very New Yearsish

Hey, Barb.

Ok! I'm here! I am still feeling out of sorts; I'm kind of in a funk, but not really...I can't explain it. I said that my feng shui was all out of whack, maybe that's what it is. I did get the main living room finished yesterday, but the tree (bare) is still up (because I'm afraid to tackle that and risk breaking something). So, my furniture is still all in the wrong places and I can't really get settled until that's all back in order. Same with the family room; the tree's still up in there too (although that one is going to the Goodwill and I could go ahead and take it down, risk free.) I just can't seem to get motivated. Maybe the sudden lack of light around here has something to do with it...look at my front yard! Jeez, the kids could do their homework out there!

This morning I watched Clean Sweep on TLC for an hour while I drank coffee. Sure, that was inspirational, to a point. But it wasn't like I was about to run out to the garage and build an ironing/laundry-folding center out of a Foosball table. Even if it did only cost $45. I don't really feel like doing anything new. In fact, I'm kind of liking this sparse, minimalist look. (That's kind of funny. My house could never be sparse or minimalistic. Even if I took every piece of furniture out of here, the carpet and wall color alone are cluttered.) But my fireplace mantle is bare; my little end tables aren't covered in crap. I threw out the hundreds of old magazines that usually pile up on the shelf under my coffee table. It's nice. It's clean. I don't really want to put all that stuff back in place - the pictures and nic-nacs (how do you spell that?) and plants and whatever. I seriously could just take it all down to the Goodwill and call it good.

Wow. There's a positive attitude for ya! So much for starting out the year on a good note. What is wrong with me? Sure, I went to the gym yesterday and I'm making an effort, today, to eat well. But I'm not all gung-ho, like the rest of the world is right now, to make this the best year ever! or lose 50lbs and get in shape! or even to make a plan to be a better person.

Post-holiday letdown, I suppose. Normal. It'll pass.

Things haven't been going too well with J lately, so that's not helping. This would be a conversation better suited for a phone call so I won't go on. It's so hard to find a time to call you with the time difference - I just can't relax and have a conversation when my house is buzzing with kids, which is pretty much all the time.

I did watch the Oprah's Best Life thing last night, hoping to be inspired and moved. Yeah, not. I mean, I did choose a string cheese over a Pop Tart this morning for breakfast, that's something. But I also put off going to the gym until 4 this afternoon, which I will dread all day. I got a note from MC, my counselor, about a class she's teaching this month. It's an 8 week class based on the book “TAKE TIME FOR YOUR LIFE” by Cheryl Richardson and it sounds totally awesome. If it didn't cost $360, I would take it in a heartbeat. If for nothing else than the weekly connection with other soul-searching women, led by MC, it would be great. But I don't have that kind of money this month - J's totally stressed about finances since K stopped paying my child support temporarily (just a processing error, but it screws with my budget). I thought about calling her to see if she would let me pay in installments, but for some reason, I'm embarrassed to do that. What the...? Why? I just don't want her to think we're struggling? I don't know.

Non-sequitor:
I saw a great bumper sticker yesterday:
"Don't worry about what other people think. They don't do it often."

Besides, K and S and I are going to see Shirley Valentine live on stage next Sunday, and that's the price of the ticket plus lunch out. I'd rather not have to give that up. Therapy comes in all forms.

I feel like my mother, writing these short little sentences and paragraphs, jumping from thought to thought. That's how she writes all of her letters. She doesn't use any punctuation, only dashes between thoughts. I find I do that with elipses a lot; bugs me. Maybe that's something I can work on this year.

I think the bottom line is that I have nothing to say, so I'm rambling aimlessly (that's redundant, isn't it?) around my stream of consciousness.

I'll try later.

Promise.

xo, A