Saturday, February 28, 2009
One Foot in Front of the Other
Hi there, B.
Just a short note before I turn in...thanks for the supportive words yesterday. I hope you had a wonderful time with S and stayed to meet her friends. And get with the program, wouldya? HMS3 is out on DVD. Duh.
We went to a painfully boring 50th birthday party this evening (a painfully Christian non-drinking family) ...woo hoo! They are friends of ours from camping whose girls have grown up with M and were dying to see him. Of course he didn't go with us, so we had to make up some white lie about why not. Not the kind of people you want to discuss this sort of thing with. They'd get everyone and God on a task force to save him. And us.
Quick update on the rollercoaster of my life: turns out the big blowup on Wednesday night was a good thing for J and me; we have been jokingly calling ourselves the GWAGA, Grownups Who Are Getting Along. We've been talking a lot and have agreed to get back into counseling on a long-term, goal oriented basis. We have some friends (P&C, P works for J) who have basically lived this nightmare word for word. Their family situation (step kids, etc) is exactly the same as ours and their problems started when their son was nine. He is 23 now, and on his way to prison for 5 to 10 years for robbery. So their story didn't end happily, or hasn't ended yet, if that's a more positive way to look at it. We aren't particularly close with them, but it's amazing how you can connect in an instant with someone who gets it. C has already given me a lot of information and has been so supportive; it's eerie how parallel the stories are, but comforting and validating at the same time. She hooked me up with a parent support group that they went to for awhile and found very helpful and healing. So I'll be going to that on Wednesday night; the only reason J isn't going is because he'll be out of town on business.
One of the things we've been working on is getting on the same page and trying to communicate better. We know we have to be there for JJ; Friday I took him with me to get the coffee table, then took him to McD's for breakfast and let him be an hour late to school. Today, J and I went to his first baseball game then took him to the sporting goods store to get all his equipment for the season. J played catch with him while I made lunch and we tried to spend as much time together as we could today. JJ went with us to this awful party and I'm surprised he didn't slip into a coma. Instead, we got in the car to leave and he said, all cheery and JJ-like, "Well, that was fun!" God I love that kid.
Tomorrow is my big Jonas Bros date (which JJ did talk JK into going to) and I'm looking forward to it very much. My new friend ST, from Friday Treats, was worried that I had too much on my plate to deal with it, but honestly, I just have to keep doing normal things. Today, driving home, we saw M on the street with S and some other kid. He had gotten a haircut. That freaked me out. Like, who paid for that? Who took him there? Plus, when we saw him, it was right in the middle of his scheduled work shift today, which means he either called in and said he was homeless and couldn't get his uniform (which he could, I would have let him) or he simply didn't go and will now get fired. I wanted so much to stop the car and talk to him, but what would I say? We're beyond come home, or why aren't you at work? at this point. I felt really helpless driving by; fortunately he was on the opposite side of the highway and didn't even see us. I keep waiting for the phone to ring - a call from the cops, probably. I keep waiting for some magic answer to fall from the sky that will point me in the right direction. P and C kept saying, over and over again, this is not your fault. This is not a reflection on your parenting. This is not about you. It's become my mantra; it has to.
I hope to write more in the morning over my Sunday coffee but won't make a promise.
Love, A
P.S. Obviously did not get killed in Lakewood. New table is perfect. Not worth attaching a picture, but perfect.
Just a short note before I turn in...thanks for the supportive words yesterday. I hope you had a wonderful time with S and stayed to meet her friends. And get with the program, wouldya? HMS3 is out on DVD. Duh.
We went to a painfully boring 50th birthday party this evening (a painfully Christian non-drinking family) ...woo hoo! They are friends of ours from camping whose girls have grown up with M and were dying to see him. Of course he didn't go with us, so we had to make up some white lie about why not. Not the kind of people you want to discuss this sort of thing with. They'd get everyone and God on a task force to save him. And us.
Quick update on the rollercoaster of my life: turns out the big blowup on Wednesday night was a good thing for J and me; we have been jokingly calling ourselves the GWAGA, Grownups Who Are Getting Along. We've been talking a lot and have agreed to get back into counseling on a long-term, goal oriented basis. We have some friends (P&C, P works for J) who have basically lived this nightmare word for word. Their family situation (step kids, etc) is exactly the same as ours and their problems started when their son was nine. He is 23 now, and on his way to prison for 5 to 10 years for robbery. So their story didn't end happily, or hasn't ended yet, if that's a more positive way to look at it. We aren't particularly close with them, but it's amazing how you can connect in an instant with someone who gets it. C has already given me a lot of information and has been so supportive; it's eerie how parallel the stories are, but comforting and validating at the same time. She hooked me up with a parent support group that they went to for awhile and found very helpful and healing. So I'll be going to that on Wednesday night; the only reason J isn't going is because he'll be out of town on business.
One of the things we've been working on is getting on the same page and trying to communicate better. We know we have to be there for JJ; Friday I took him with me to get the coffee table, then took him to McD's for breakfast and let him be an hour late to school. Today, J and I went to his first baseball game then took him to the sporting goods store to get all his equipment for the season. J played catch with him while I made lunch and we tried to spend as much time together as we could today. JJ went with us to this awful party and I'm surprised he didn't slip into a coma. Instead, we got in the car to leave and he said, all cheery and JJ-like, "Well, that was fun!" God I love that kid.
Tomorrow is my big Jonas Bros date (which JJ did talk JK into going to) and I'm looking forward to it very much. My new friend ST, from Friday Treats, was worried that I had too much on my plate to deal with it, but honestly, I just have to keep doing normal things. Today, driving home, we saw M on the street with S and some other kid. He had gotten a haircut. That freaked me out. Like, who paid for that? Who took him there? Plus, when we saw him, it was right in the middle of his scheduled work shift today, which means he either called in and said he was homeless and couldn't get his uniform (which he could, I would have let him) or he simply didn't go and will now get fired. I wanted so much to stop the car and talk to him, but what would I say? We're beyond come home, or why aren't you at work? at this point. I felt really helpless driving by; fortunately he was on the opposite side of the highway and didn't even see us. I keep waiting for the phone to ring - a call from the cops, probably. I keep waiting for some magic answer to fall from the sky that will point me in the right direction. P and C kept saying, over and over again, this is not your fault. This is not a reflection on your parenting. This is not about you. It's become my mantra; it has to.
I hope to write more in the morning over my Sunday coffee but won't make a promise.
Love, A
P.S. Obviously did not get killed in Lakewood. New table is perfect. Not worth attaching a picture, but perfect.
Friday, February 27, 2009
No Need to Apologize
Yuck sounds about right. Double Yuck. I’m so sorry, Amanda. I read and my heart goes out to you, and I wonder if the worst part is the not knowing…When will he leave again? Will he come home this time? If so, how long this time before things get bad again? How long will things be good? Ugh! It’s just so not healthy, and fair, on so many levels. Keep me posted, and please let me know if there’s anything I can do.
I’m glad to hear you’ve decided to sub again--especially with the craziness and the hours you’re left in an empty house to think about it all. And who can’t use a little extra money, right? I hope it works out for you…clearly you can always find something on Craig’s List to spend money on. :)That’s where you found Jack’s drum set, too, no? I don’t think I’ve ever even gone on and looked. In this new millennium that I seem to be experiencing only partly, I should probably check it out.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’m off to see my Sunshine after school and a couple of errands, so I won’t be writing later. I will try to write when I get home tomorrow, though, although I’m not sure when that will be. Apparently she would like me to be around when her friends come over… but if HSM3 is still in the theatre (I’m so clueless), you can count me out of the matinee.
Always feel free to call on my cell though if you need to talk. Don’t think twice. Okay?....
Love you,
B
I’m glad to hear you’ve decided to sub again--especially with the craziness and the hours you’re left in an empty house to think about it all. And who can’t use a little extra money, right? I hope it works out for you…clearly you can always find something on Craig’s List to spend money on. :)That’s where you found Jack’s drum set, too, no? I don’t think I’ve ever even gone on and looked. In this new millennium that I seem to be experiencing only partly, I should probably check it out.
As I mentioned yesterday, I’m off to see my Sunshine after school and a couple of errands, so I won’t be writing later. I will try to write when I get home tomorrow, though, although I’m not sure when that will be. Apparently she would like me to be around when her friends come over… but if HSM3 is still in the theatre (I’m so clueless), you can count me out of the matinee.
Always feel free to call on my cell though if you need to talk. Don’t think twice. Okay?....
Love you,
B
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Yuk
Hey there.
I so meant to write today but --- don't know what happened. I wish I had something happy and positive to write about - I could lie and say all is well here, but it's not. M is gone again - according to him, he's moving in with S. S's mom is bugging me with texts and phone calls and I just can't talk to her. J had a meltdown with M last night and told him to "get the f out, you're not welcome in my house anymore." That was just super, especially with JJ looking on, crying. I swear to God, I ought to just sell this house and move into a trailer; at least my surroundings would fit with my environment. At least there would be better feng shui, you know, if the two matched up better. As you can imagine, this all ended with JJ crying himself to sleep while in my arms, M leaving, and J and I getting into a way-too-late-at-night blowup that left me unable to sleep and paralyzed by morning.
I did manage to make my breakfast date with KB, which was good, since it got me showered and out of the house first thing. I ran a bunch of errands before going home, including stopping at the School district and picking up all the necessary forms for applying to substitute. It was one of those days where I was able to scratch off most of the things on my list, because everything just happened to be open, or on sale, or didn't have a big line, or whatever. I even found a "new" coffee table on Craig's list that's similar enough to the one that was smashed into pieces by J's foot last night. $25. Ugly, oak, used. Just like the old one. I'm picking it up in the morning at some storage place in Lakewood - which will require my leaving a text trail with K in the event that I am kidnapped and killed there, which is not entirely unlikely. Lakewood is one of the most commonly filmed cities on COPS, by the way. What a legacy.
I got a nap in this afternoon and was glad I skipped the movie with the girls. I read some of my book and got the sub application all filled out. I got to baseball on time, with almost two hours to sit and read my book. Instead, I ended up on the phone with my sister-in-law, asking her not to harbor M should he turn up on her door step looking for an empty couch. Then J showed up and we sat in the car and he tried to apologize for things last night but Barb, to be honest, I'm so tired I can't even care right now.
We sat through another hour of basketball after that and we're finally home. We finished dinner at 8:45. You wondered if 8:00 wasn't a bit late for 9 year olds to have a game...tell me about it. I don't have A tomorrow morning; I'm tempted to let JJ sleep in and just drive him to school whenever we wake up....the minute I said that I realized I have to meet the coffee table guy at 9:00. So much for sleeping in....
Tomorrow I will wake up positive, still without answers, but I will try to look positively at things: J didn't actually leave me, as he indicated he was going to. M is not on the streets, at the very least. I have a healthy, normal child left at home. I will be employed by next week. I have Friday Treats tomorrow.
Sorry to be such a downer.
Love,
A
I so meant to write today but --- don't know what happened. I wish I had something happy and positive to write about - I could lie and say all is well here, but it's not. M is gone again - according to him, he's moving in with S. S's mom is bugging me with texts and phone calls and I just can't talk to her. J had a meltdown with M last night and told him to "get the f out, you're not welcome in my house anymore." That was just super, especially with JJ looking on, crying. I swear to God, I ought to just sell this house and move into a trailer; at least my surroundings would fit with my environment. At least there would be better feng shui, you know, if the two matched up better. As you can imagine, this all ended with JJ crying himself to sleep while in my arms, M leaving, and J and I getting into a way-too-late-at-night blowup that left me unable to sleep and paralyzed by morning.
I did manage to make my breakfast date with KB, which was good, since it got me showered and out of the house first thing. I ran a bunch of errands before going home, including stopping at the School district and picking up all the necessary forms for applying to substitute. It was one of those days where I was able to scratch off most of the things on my list, because everything just happened to be open, or on sale, or didn't have a big line, or whatever. I even found a "new" coffee table on Craig's list that's similar enough to the one that was smashed into pieces by J's foot last night. $25. Ugly, oak, used. Just like the old one. I'm picking it up in the morning at some storage place in Lakewood - which will require my leaving a text trail with K in the event that I am kidnapped and killed there, which is not entirely unlikely. Lakewood is one of the most commonly filmed cities on COPS, by the way. What a legacy.
I got a nap in this afternoon and was glad I skipped the movie with the girls. I read some of my book and got the sub application all filled out. I got to baseball on time, with almost two hours to sit and read my book. Instead, I ended up on the phone with my sister-in-law, asking her not to harbor M should he turn up on her door step looking for an empty couch. Then J showed up and we sat in the car and he tried to apologize for things last night but Barb, to be honest, I'm so tired I can't even care right now.
We sat through another hour of basketball after that and we're finally home. We finished dinner at 8:45. You wondered if 8:00 wasn't a bit late for 9 year olds to have a game...tell me about it. I don't have A tomorrow morning; I'm tempted to let JJ sleep in and just drive him to school whenever we wake up....the minute I said that I realized I have to meet the coffee table guy at 9:00. So much for sleeping in....
Tomorrow I will wake up positive, still without answers, but I will try to look positively at things: J didn't actually leave me, as he indicated he was going to. M is not on the streets, at the very least. I have a healthy, normal child left at home. I will be employed by next week. I have Friday Treats tomorrow.
Sorry to be such a downer.
Love,
A
SAD
Hey, it’s me.
As I mentioned I stayed up late Tuesday night and ended up vegging out last night as a result. I had no energy to do anything—even write. Sorry I left you hanging there; I think I promised to write again later but never did. It seems like every other day I have a good day. One day I’m energetic and productive and positive, the next I’m not (although I was productive at school yesterday. Maybe that’s part of why I was pooped last night). Who knows? I think at this point, despite the forecast of snow and the excitement of the possibility of a day off as a result, I’m ready for spring, feeling the results of my self-diagnosed SAD. I fight it, try to stay positive and exercise and all that, but sometimes it still wins. At least it’s almost the weekend.
Tomorrow night I’m heading to L’s after school to watch S play basketball. J’s mother and sister are going to be there as well, so we’ll be having some sort of dinner before the game at 8 (kind of late for 9 year olds, don’t you think?). I’m staying over night and will probably do a little scrap booking with her before friends arrive for a High School Musical 3 play date…I suppose I’ll stop on my way home to run errands and prepare myself for another Sunday storm. I haven’t had mimosas in a while. Maybe I’ll treat myself this weekend.
I do know you were serious about Santorini, and I would love to go—but having committed to April vacation in California, and having a week planned with D here in June/July, I think the most I can manage to round out my vacations for the year is a plane ticket to Seattle. And just as you were serious about going this summer, I am serious in offering that alternate plan for another summer, perhaps to celebrate our 50th birthdays if not sooner. We’ll have to talk…..
Hope all is well. Love the new chair, love that some things can still make us feel all grown up.
Love,
Barb
As I mentioned I stayed up late Tuesday night and ended up vegging out last night as a result. I had no energy to do anything—even write. Sorry I left you hanging there; I think I promised to write again later but never did. It seems like every other day I have a good day. One day I’m energetic and productive and positive, the next I’m not (although I was productive at school yesterday. Maybe that’s part of why I was pooped last night). Who knows? I think at this point, despite the forecast of snow and the excitement of the possibility of a day off as a result, I’m ready for spring, feeling the results of my self-diagnosed SAD. I fight it, try to stay positive and exercise and all that, but sometimes it still wins. At least it’s almost the weekend.
Tomorrow night I’m heading to L’s after school to watch S play basketball. J’s mother and sister are going to be there as well, so we’ll be having some sort of dinner before the game at 8 (kind of late for 9 year olds, don’t you think?). I’m staying over night and will probably do a little scrap booking with her before friends arrive for a High School Musical 3 play date…I suppose I’ll stop on my way home to run errands and prepare myself for another Sunday storm. I haven’t had mimosas in a while. Maybe I’ll treat myself this weekend.
I do know you were serious about Santorini, and I would love to go—but having committed to April vacation in California, and having a week planned with D here in June/July, I think the most I can manage to round out my vacations for the year is a plane ticket to Seattle. And just as you were serious about going this summer, I am serious in offering that alternate plan for another summer, perhaps to celebrate our 50th birthdays if not sooner. We’ll have to talk…..
Hope all is well. Love the new chair, love that some things can still make us feel all grown up.
Love,
Barb
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
My Big Girl Chair
Hi there, B.Glad to hear you were feeling better this morning. I hope your whole day stayed that way!
About Santorini, well...I was sort of serious. The same way one is serious when one says "Let's get married!" while in Vegas, serious right up to the point when the other person says, "Ok!". Thanks for the reality check; however, I will continue to enjoy the photo on my screensaver each time I log in. I'll continue to pretend that one day, I might actually have the same photo on my wall at home, only I will be sitting in one of those chairs.
Went to Costco, the mall and Olive Garden with S today, after picking up my whitening trays. That s**t tastes awful!! Plus, how weird is this, it itches. It makes your teeth itch. I didn't know that was possible. All in the name of beauty, I tell ya. Between the coffee and the wine and the 25 years of nicotine, my teeth are about the shade of the Grinch's anymore. After our leisurely lunch (and I mean that in a slowest-service-on-the-planet way) we did our Costco run and got home in time for the boys to get off the bus. I sat down to watch a little tv and whiten my teeth while JJ did his math homework in the den. I have this chair that K bought me in 1989; I'm sure you know it since it's the only one I've had since I've known you. It's ugly and broken and uncomfortable but it's just so durable I couldn't get rid of it. Until today. Half and hour of listening to squeaeaeaeaeaek, squeaeaeaeaeaeak squeaeaeaeaeaeak while Jack twisted back and forth and I was up and on a mission. I scored big time - for one, K decided for whatever reason to pay me some of his back child support this month, so I got a whopping check today. Then, I found the perfect chair, on super sale ($179 down to $99!) I even came home and put it together myself and am quite proud to be sitting in it as I write. It's not real leather, but the height lever works, so I no longer have to type as if I were a kindergartner sitting at the big kids' table. And I must say, it looks about a million times better than my old, upholstered, non-descript gray chair, decorated with 20 years of food, drink, and God-knows-what-else stains. Not to mention the cigarette burns. I'm feeling a bit like a grown up this evening.
I have a few more minutes of solitude before I go pick up M from work. JJ and J are at a b-ball game and I just opted out, since I would have had to leave early anyway. Glad I did; needed to sit in my new chair and chill for a bit. Tomorrow is a go-go-go day; breakfast with KB at 8:00, meet the girls at noon to go see Slumdog Millionaire, back home in time to get the kids and get JJ ready for the basketball/baseball relay - jetting early from one, late to the other; one more week of overlap.
Hope to hear from you in the morning - hope all is well.
Love, A
Plugging Along
Santorini, hu? Sounds like a dream…but I just don’t think I could swing it this summer. Maybe we can set a goal—like to celebrate our 50th birthdays there. Wouldn’t that be fun?...
Sorry to hear you are still in a bad way with J. Sounds like you’re in a real funk and I wish there was something I could say, some advise to give, but I don’t, other than to say hang in there, which sounds so trite.
I did take myself out for dinner (I’m sure I’ll get a big ol’ guilt trip next time I talk to my mother), which was delicious, and when I got home just got in my jammies and had a little more wine, watched TV, and then ended up in a text conversation with my friend C during the president’s address which led to a real conversation. I ended up staying up way past my bedtime but had a good night overall. And it’s Wednesday, so I can handle it….especially since the forecast has a snow storm for Sunday to Monday in it. How sad is that? I just got off a week vacation and I’m looking for a snow day in the forecast. Oh well…
Have a great day!
Barb
Sorry to hear you are still in a bad way with J. Sounds like you’re in a real funk and I wish there was something I could say, some advise to give, but I don’t, other than to say hang in there, which sounds so trite.
I did take myself out for dinner (I’m sure I’ll get a big ol’ guilt trip next time I talk to my mother), which was delicious, and when I got home just got in my jammies and had a little more wine, watched TV, and then ended up in a text conversation with my friend C during the president’s address which led to a real conversation. I ended up staying up way past my bedtime but had a good night overall. And it’s Wednesday, so I can handle it….especially since the forecast has a snow storm for Sunday to Monday in it. How sad is that? I just got off a week vacation and I’m looking for a snow day in the forecast. Oh well…
Have a great day!
Barb
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
SANTORINI. SERIOUSLY.
Good evening (morning) B.1) Let me apologize right off the bat for writing after a bottle of good Merlot.
B) Take a look at this picture. What do you say, instead of you coming to BLU for a week this summer (because I seriously doubt that either of us could do both) we just meet up here? It's Santorini, Greece. The apartment on the far left of the picture, is $735 a week. (the one with the blue door, two deck chairs and brilliant magenta flower-tree in the front.)
I'm obsessed with it! What do you think? Airfare is dirt cheap. And I'm dead serious.
Sorry I didn't write earlier, as I had hoped I would. The BLU crowd came over for dinner and before I knew it, it was 9:30 and time for shutting down. I was having a great evening until -wait, you guessed it - J came home. I can't even bother to go into it; all I can say is that if I didn't have kids, I would be on a plane tonight, to this island.
Tomorrow I have a dentist appt for whitening trays (something I committed to a month ago and now wonder why I ever thought I could afford that luxury). Then nothing, until basketball at 5:00 - - I'll be happy when this triple-sports overlap thing is over. I do need to get my invites out for my little get-together this weekend - I hate to admit it, but I'm having a sort of Jonas Brothers Party. Kind of. Six girls and I (and one other brave mom) are going to see the JT Concert Movie in 3D. I don't even care that I'm a dork. I'm a hero to a van-load of 2nd graders, including my neice. Even JJ is contemplating going - he won't go unless JK goes, of course, and he won't tell anyone if he goes, but secretly, I know he can't bear to be left out.
Pretty quiet around here. Spent the day doing mundane stuff like ironing and grocery shopping and laundry; God, I need a real job. I'm actually thinking of subbing again; I have to go through that whole process of applying in this district, though, and the thought of updating my resume is so daunting. I should complain, eh? At least I have a job, if I want one. We are so desperate for subs out here, it's not even funny.
Feeling tired and a tipsy...wanting to go to bed, but in my own bed, alone (on an island in Greece...) Think I'll watch another couple episodes of Crossing Jordan and eat some Dibs...drink the rest of this wine...and then it will be Wednesday and we can start all over again.
Glad to hear you were in a better mood tonight and treated yourself to dinner. Kudos to you for doing what you want, not what you might have felt like you should (dinner with the fam). I envy you!
Love,
A
Quick Clicks
Hey, Amanda,
I am in a better mood today, and have adjusted a little more to reality, to being back to work, to a job I don't always love but have no choice but to keep plugging away at since it pays the bill and maintains my lifestyle. And, as W would remind me, at least I have a job...
I just barely walked in the door but am on my way out again. I need to pick up some dry cleaning, then may go out for a cheap but delicious steak for Fat Tuesday. I was invited to my parents' for dinner, but it's not what I'm in the mood for, and I'm not even sure what she's serving. What I mean is that sitting down my parents and M and V et. al. is not what I'd enjoy tonight.
I hope all is well with you. I'll try to get back the keyboard later this evening, but just in case...
Love,
Barb
I am in a better mood today, and have adjusted a little more to reality, to being back to work, to a job I don't always love but have no choice but to keep plugging away at since it pays the bill and maintains my lifestyle. And, as W would remind me, at least I have a job...
I just barely walked in the door but am on my way out again. I need to pick up some dry cleaning, then may go out for a cheap but delicious steak for Fat Tuesday. I was invited to my parents' for dinner, but it's not what I'm in the mood for, and I'm not even sure what she's serving. What I mean is that sitting down my parents and M and V et. al. is not what I'd enjoy tonight.
I hope all is well with you. I'll try to get back the keyboard later this evening, but just in case...
Love,
Barb
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Same Old Same Old
Good morning and welcome back, B.
I didn't expect you to be home this early, so I was planning to have my post waiting for you when you returned. What a nice surprise to log in and find you already here. Sounds like, weather aside, you had a wonderful getaway. I so remember that awful cold and wind that makes being outside impossible. How is W doing morale-wise? Any job news lately? It was probably good for him to just let go for a few days and have fun. You're such a good girlfriend!
I've been sitting here at the computer now for three cups of coffee and haven't written a thing. I read all my emails, sent a few, read everyone else's blogs, checked out what movies are playing in town today and stared into space for a good bit of that time, wondering what I should do with my day. You mentioned that you hoped my not writing meant that I was doing ok, and I suppose 'ok' is becoming a very relative term these days. I actually didn't write because I wasn't home much at all, and then, when I was, either the environment wasn't right for writing or I had to catch up on the stuff I didn't do when I wasn't home.
So Thursday...that was JJ's birthday. JT came over early in the morning and put together the Birthday Present of the Century. Then I had to go out and pick up some other parts for it that I didn't know about (this thing cost a f***ing fortune, by the time all was said and done). I was out for most of the morning, stopped by school and dropped off birthday treats for JJ's class, then got home in time for JT to come back and finish the drum set. At 4:00 I left the house, embarking on the 4-hour sports extravaganza - sucking down Subway somewhere in all of it. Fortunately, baseball practice did not require my attention (I'm not the mom who stands out there with all the dads and pretends to know what's going on) and I was able to finish Then She Found Me in the warmth of my car.
We got home at 8:00 and JJ was dying to open his presents. Of course, there wasn't much, and it was all drum accessories, and he couldn't figure out why he was getting all that since he didn't even have drums. So we told him that his real gift was drum lessons. That wasn't all that exciting, either, but he was very gracious with thank yous and headed upstairs to shower. M hid in his room with the camera poised and J and I ran up there before him. Barb, it was a really, really cool moment. He had an armful of stuff and when he opened the door he just dropped everything. His jaw fell and his eyes popped out of his head; he was genuinely surprised and totally in love. He turned to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug, saying thank you thank you thank you! and could barely even manage to sit down on the stool and touch it.
I cried, of course. And M says the best picture is of JJ and I hugging, with the AC/DC poster behind us. I love giving the right gift. And this definitely was the right one; he's completely enamoured of it. He banged around a bit, then he let M play (who's really pretty good) and for a moment...a little, tiny, isolated moment...all was right here. My boys interacting, playing music, doing something productive and legal, noise and laughter in the house...it was nice.
It didn't last; how could it? They'd take my show off the air if it stayed normal for any length of time. Suddenly there was a plumbing problem we had to fix (same shower) and then J got mad at JJ for leaving spit in his sink and his bathroom being a mess, and when I tried to get him to simply say "good night, love you" to his son on his birthday, instead of reaming him for something completely stupid and insignificant, he laid into me. (I just looked that up and cannot find the proper use of "laid" in that context). In the middle of his mini-rant, he poked me in the shoulder for effect, I guess. I didn't give this any thought, I was just irritated that he's so impossible. But something in his tone hit me hard; something condescending and disrespectful...I don't know. What I do know is that Friday, after Friday Treats, I decided to go out by myself that night. I happened to run into B, my neighbor whose daughter, A, stays with me in the mornings. She was in need of a babysitter for A that night and voila! There was my answer. As a result of my offering, she and I sat down in her living room and drank most of a bottle of Menage a Trois (at 3:00, mind you) until the kids were all home and A and I had decided to go to dinner and a movie with her friend (the other A).
And in the end, my Friday night was spectacular. I took my two little 9 year old neighbor girls to Godfathers for pizza, then we went and saw Paul Blart, Mall Cop (stupidest movie ever but they loved it). We dropped off AD, then AM and I went back to her house. She practiced her piano for me, while I sat on the couch and started a new book (The Pilot's Wife). Then she read to me from her book, The Sisters Grimm. After brushing her teeth, she introduced me to each of her Webkins personally, including a little background of their lives, I tucked her in and said goodnight. I went back downstairs, poured the last of the bottle of wine into a pretty etched glass, curled up on the couch with a blanket and read for an hour and a half in complete and total perfect silence. It was, I have to say, a dream evening.
I had no idea where J was; JJ was spending the night at B's and M was home, checking in with me here and there. I found out that J was over at T&S', drinking with everyone, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit sad that I was missing the BLU moment. I had no desire at all to be with them, mostly to be with him. I didn't feel any need to explain myself or make excuses. I wanted to be alone more than anything.
Saturday morning I got up early to run some errands and drop M off at work. I just dinked around town, Target, FM, the candle store, Starbucks, Walmart....liquor store, grocery store....somewhere in there, S called and told me that everyone had decided to do dinner together; T was going to try his hand at etouffe (which, btw, was a-ma-zing). So I planned out my contribution ( black bean and corn salad with chipotle dressing (yum) and these killer chocolate chip cookies I just discovered how to make). Around 3, I finally went home. I found J in the yard, raking, and he was eager to apologize for his behavior. Here's the funny thing; he had shared the incident with our friends and evidently had a new a*** ripped for the poking my shoulder thing. I guess T and R just railed on him about the physical nature of the gesture, which is weird, because I really didn't take it that way. It was so much more mental and emotional for me; I was just so done with his crap. I told him as much - I just said I couldn't spend time with him because I didn't like the way I feel when I'm with him.
He tried ( a little) to make it up to me, but I wasn't very receptive. When it was time to go to S's for dinner, I made myself the best drink ever (had it in a restaurant last week and the bartender gave me the recipe: Pomegranate Manhattan) and sucked it right down. I immediately made one for K when I got there, and before I knew it, we were three or four into it and hadn't eaten anything yet. She's on this ridiculous diet that allows her to only drink once a week so last night was her drinkin' night - and boy, it was mine too. Pretty soon she and I were both sloshed and I made some comment to her about letting J know I was drinking (he was standing right there) - that I know he hates when I drink, so head's up, baby, I'm drinking...I was just being a beotch and didn't care. Suddenly, S and I were dancing around the kitchen, everyone's all having a great time and I shimmy up to my husband to dance with him too...thinking this is the best olive branch I can give you right now...and he totally disses me. He pats my hips and scoots me out of his way back to the table. Maybe I deserved that, maybe I'm expecting him to be a little more remorseful or a little bit nicer or just a little bit less of a complete dick than he's able to be.
I went home. I just walked out without saying anything to anyone except S, who kissed me and gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. It was only 9:45; I took an Ambien, on top of the half bottle of Maker's Mark I'd already downed, (because I didn't think I'd be able to sleep???) and passed out.
Now it's Sunday. J and JJ are heading out here pretty soon for baseball practice, don't know what M's up to today. I have the next two discs of Crossing Jordan on Netflix, the rest of my book and then another waiting in the wings...perhaps I'll just snuggle up on the couch and escape for awhile. I could go work out, I could do my hula hoop, I could do laundry....nah.
I hope you're enjoying your day alone, getting rejuvenated for school tomorrow. Sorry to be such a downer - I'm afraid to re-read this for fear of it being completely depressing and melodramatic and boring. Ah, so be it.
Love you!
A
I didn't expect you to be home this early, so I was planning to have my post waiting for you when you returned. What a nice surprise to log in and find you already here. Sounds like, weather aside, you had a wonderful getaway. I so remember that awful cold and wind that makes being outside impossible. How is W doing morale-wise? Any job news lately? It was probably good for him to just let go for a few days and have fun. You're such a good girlfriend!
I've been sitting here at the computer now for three cups of coffee and haven't written a thing. I read all my emails, sent a few, read everyone else's blogs, checked out what movies are playing in town today and stared into space for a good bit of that time, wondering what I should do with my day. You mentioned that you hoped my not writing meant that I was doing ok, and I suppose 'ok' is becoming a very relative term these days. I actually didn't write because I wasn't home much at all, and then, when I was, either the environment wasn't right for writing or I had to catch up on the stuff I didn't do when I wasn't home.
So Thursday...that was JJ's birthday. JT came over early in the morning and put together the Birthday Present of the Century. Then I had to go out and pick up some other parts for it that I didn't know about (this thing cost a f***ing fortune, by the time all was said and done). I was out for most of the morning, stopped by school and dropped off birthday treats for JJ's class, then got home in time for JT to come back and finish the drum set. At 4:00 I left the house, embarking on the 4-hour sports extravaganza - sucking down Subway somewhere in all of it. Fortunately, baseball practice did not require my attention (I'm not the mom who stands out there with all the dads and pretends to know what's going on) and I was able to finish Then She Found Me in the warmth of my car.
We got home at 8:00 and JJ was dying to open his presents. Of course, there wasn't much, and it was all drum accessories, and he couldn't figure out why he was getting all that since he didn't even have drums. So we told him that his real gift was drum lessons. That wasn't all that exciting, either, but he was very gracious with thank yous and headed upstairs to shower. M hid in his room with the camera poised and J and I ran up there before him. Barb, it was a really, really cool moment. He had an armful of stuff and when he opened the door he just dropped everything. His jaw fell and his eyes popped out of his head; he was genuinely surprised and totally in love. He turned to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug, saying thank you thank you thank you! and could barely even manage to sit down on the stool and touch it.
I cried, of course. And M says the best picture is of JJ and I hugging, with the AC/DC poster behind us. I love giving the right gift. And this definitely was the right one; he's completely enamoured of it. He banged around a bit, then he let M play (who's really pretty good) and for a moment...a little, tiny, isolated moment...all was right here. My boys interacting, playing music, doing something productive and legal, noise and laughter in the house...it was nice.
It didn't last; how could it? They'd take my show off the air if it stayed normal for any length of time. Suddenly there was a plumbing problem we had to fix (same shower) and then J got mad at JJ for leaving spit in his sink and his bathroom being a mess, and when I tried to get him to simply say "good night, love you" to his son on his birthday, instead of reaming him for something completely stupid and insignificant, he laid into me. (I just looked that up and cannot find the proper use of "laid" in that context). In the middle of his mini-rant, he poked me in the shoulder for effect, I guess. I didn't give this any thought, I was just irritated that he's so impossible. But something in his tone hit me hard; something condescending and disrespectful...I don't know. What I do know is that Friday, after Friday Treats, I decided to go out by myself that night. I happened to run into B, my neighbor whose daughter, A, stays with me in the mornings. She was in need of a babysitter for A that night and voila! There was my answer. As a result of my offering, she and I sat down in her living room and drank most of a bottle of Menage a Trois (at 3:00, mind you) until the kids were all home and A and I had decided to go to dinner and a movie with her friend (the other A).
And in the end, my Friday night was spectacular. I took my two little 9 year old neighbor girls to Godfathers for pizza, then we went and saw Paul Blart, Mall Cop (stupidest movie ever but they loved it). We dropped off AD, then AM and I went back to her house. She practiced her piano for me, while I sat on the couch and started a new book (The Pilot's Wife). Then she read to me from her book, The Sisters Grimm. After brushing her teeth, she introduced me to each of her Webkins personally, including a little background of their lives, I tucked her in and said goodnight. I went back downstairs, poured the last of the bottle of wine into a pretty etched glass, curled up on the couch with a blanket and read for an hour and a half in complete and total perfect silence. It was, I have to say, a dream evening.
I had no idea where J was; JJ was spending the night at B's and M was home, checking in with me here and there. I found out that J was over at T&S', drinking with everyone, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit sad that I was missing the BLU moment. I had no desire at all to be with them, mostly to be with him. I didn't feel any need to explain myself or make excuses. I wanted to be alone more than anything.
Saturday morning I got up early to run some errands and drop M off at work. I just dinked around town, Target, FM, the candle store, Starbucks, Walmart....liquor store, grocery store....somewhere in there, S called and told me that everyone had decided to do dinner together; T was going to try his hand at etouffe (which, btw, was a-ma-zing). So I planned out my contribution ( black bean and corn salad with chipotle dressing (yum) and these killer chocolate chip cookies I just discovered how to make). Around 3, I finally went home. I found J in the yard, raking, and he was eager to apologize for his behavior. Here's the funny thing; he had shared the incident with our friends and evidently had a new a*** ripped for the poking my shoulder thing. I guess T and R just railed on him about the physical nature of the gesture, which is weird, because I really didn't take it that way. It was so much more mental and emotional for me; I was just so done with his crap. I told him as much - I just said I couldn't spend time with him because I didn't like the way I feel when I'm with him.
He tried ( a little) to make it up to me, but I wasn't very receptive. When it was time to go to S's for dinner, I made myself the best drink ever (had it in a restaurant last week and the bartender gave me the recipe: Pomegranate Manhattan) and sucked it right down. I immediately made one for K when I got there, and before I knew it, we were three or four into it and hadn't eaten anything yet. She's on this ridiculous diet that allows her to only drink once a week so last night was her drinkin' night - and boy, it was mine too. Pretty soon she and I were both sloshed and I made some comment to her about letting J know I was drinking (he was standing right there) - that I know he hates when I drink, so head's up, baby, I'm drinking...I was just being a beotch and didn't care. Suddenly, S and I were dancing around the kitchen, everyone's all having a great time and I shimmy up to my husband to dance with him too...thinking this is the best olive branch I can give you right now...and he totally disses me. He pats my hips and scoots me out of his way back to the table. Maybe I deserved that, maybe I'm expecting him to be a little more remorseful or a little bit nicer or just a little bit less of a complete dick than he's able to be.
I went home. I just walked out without saying anything to anyone except S, who kissed me and gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. It was only 9:45; I took an Ambien, on top of the half bottle of Maker's Mark I'd already downed, (because I didn't think I'd be able to sleep???) and passed out.
Now it's Sunday. J and JJ are heading out here pretty soon for baseball practice, don't know what M's up to today. I have the next two discs of Crossing Jordan on Netflix, the rest of my book and then another waiting in the wings...perhaps I'll just snuggle up on the couch and escape for awhile. I could go work out, I could do my hula hoop, I could do laundry....nah.
I hope you're enjoying your day alone, getting rejuvenated for school tomorrow. Sorry to be such a downer - I'm afraid to re-read this for fear of it being completely depressing and melodramatic and boring. Ah, so be it.
Love you!
A
Little White Lies
Good morning, Amanda.
I am back from Boston, but just texted my cousins that I won't be joining them for brunch because I am still there. Sometimes telling a little white lie in order to order to honor oneself is better than the truth, or sounds better than the truth... Hey, guys, I'm back, but I just checked my mail and I have a netflix movie and two new mags, I haven't blogged in days, and it's the last day of vacation, so I really don't feel like taking the trip. Plus, it's supposed to snow, and as sick as I am of winter, I'd really get into making some lentil soup later and enjoying my leftovers from Boston. So for now, I'm going to hook myself up with a Bloody Mary and after I write for a little bit I'm going to make some bacon and eggs and hunker down for a great day. If I do get motivated to shower and go out, it'll be for dinner at Outback later tonight. There are some (a few) people to whom I could say that, who would get it and not hold it against me. But in this case I decided that texting "Hey girls, I'm still in Boston and won't be making it to brunch :( Have fun!" worked better.
Boston was great although it was really really really windy and cold--so much so that it modified our plans a bit, although nothing was written in stone and therefore no disappointment came of it. For example, Friday night we were going to try that new restaurant in Kenmore, but the walk would have been unbearable and it was just as well that we went to one of our favorites (Stephanie's on Newbury, which wasn't there yet when you were. It's where the Harvard Bookstore Cafe used to be on Newbury and Exeter). Likewise, on Saturday it was too cold to do the Faneuil Hall thing, so after an early trip to the Market, we headed back to the Back Bay and shopped a little in the Pru Center and C&B and L&T, then had lunch at the hotel. Despite the weather we did, however, make it out to the jazz club Thursday night (we took a cab), and that was great. I met his brother-in-law (father of his niece that goes to college close by me, whom W and I try to take out once a semester) there and saw a friend of his whom I haven't seen in a while. Let's not forget that since it was a jazz club, it also matters that the music was great. Outstanding. Overall it was a great getaway. W and I had a great time--silly moments and serious moments, romantic moments all.
I hope all is well with you. My best guess, since you took the time off while I was away too, is that you're okay. I did get your text about the book and replied (but not until a day later, I think). I also got your note (how cute is that note card??) and your business cards with my magazines and netflix when I checked my overfull mailbox today. Honestly, your note made me happiest...
Love you, can't wait to hear from you here or on the phone. I'm in for the day....
Barb xo
I am back from Boston, but just texted my cousins that I won't be joining them for brunch because I am still there. Sometimes telling a little white lie in order to order to honor oneself is better than the truth, or sounds better than the truth... Hey, guys, I'm back, but I just checked my mail and I have a netflix movie and two new mags, I haven't blogged in days, and it's the last day of vacation, so I really don't feel like taking the trip. Plus, it's supposed to snow, and as sick as I am of winter, I'd really get into making some lentil soup later and enjoying my leftovers from Boston. So for now, I'm going to hook myself up with a Bloody Mary and after I write for a little bit I'm going to make some bacon and eggs and hunker down for a great day. If I do get motivated to shower and go out, it'll be for dinner at Outback later tonight. There are some (a few) people to whom I could say that, who would get it and not hold it against me. But in this case I decided that texting "Hey girls, I'm still in Boston and won't be making it to brunch :( Have fun!" worked better.
Boston was great although it was really really really windy and cold--so much so that it modified our plans a bit, although nothing was written in stone and therefore no disappointment came of it. For example, Friday night we were going to try that new restaurant in Kenmore, but the walk would have been unbearable and it was just as well that we went to one of our favorites (Stephanie's on Newbury, which wasn't there yet when you were. It's where the Harvard Bookstore Cafe used to be on Newbury and Exeter). Likewise, on Saturday it was too cold to do the Faneuil Hall thing, so after an early trip to the Market, we headed back to the Back Bay and shopped a little in the Pru Center and C&B and L&T, then had lunch at the hotel. Despite the weather we did, however, make it out to the jazz club Thursday night (we took a cab), and that was great. I met his brother-in-law (father of his niece that goes to college close by me, whom W and I try to take out once a semester) there and saw a friend of his whom I haven't seen in a while. Let's not forget that since it was a jazz club, it also matters that the music was great. Outstanding. Overall it was a great getaway. W and I had a great time--silly moments and serious moments, romantic moments all.
I hope all is well with you. My best guess, since you took the time off while I was away too, is that you're okay. I did get your text about the book and replied (but not until a day later, I think). I also got your note (how cute is that note card??) and your business cards with my magazines and netflix when I checked my overfull mailbox today. Honestly, your note made me happiest...
Love you, can't wait to hear from you here or on the phone. I'm in for the day....
Barb xo
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Off to the Big City
Hey, A,
I have just a few minutes here before I get in the shower and pack my bags, but I wanted to check in and say hello before I leave the blogosphere for a few much needed and well-deserved days away. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss W and want to spend time with him, want things to feel better again.
As I think you know, we're staying at the Hilton in the Back Bay tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm getting some things together to make tonight extra special...I have cocktail shrimp thawing in the sink as I write, and just made a half dozen deviled eggs for a little cocktail hour this afternoon before we go out. Dinner tonight will be burgers at McGreevy's, an Irish sports pub where Dad's Diner used to be, then we'll get dolled up and go to the jazz club. Tomorrow we'll go shopping and out to dinner in the new Kenmore restaurant I told you about. Saturday we'll head down to Haymarket to stock up on produce and then over to Faneuil Hall for lunch at Todd English's seafood restaurant. I'm excited about very single thing we have planned! I'll try to remember to take a few pictures...
I will give you a call on the way, but should I not reach you, I wanted to check in here. Hope you have a good couple of days.
Love,
Barb
PS Yesterday was a good day. I loved the movie.
I have just a few minutes here before I get in the shower and pack my bags, but I wanted to check in and say hello before I leave the blogosphere for a few much needed and well-deserved days away. I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss W and want to spend time with him, want things to feel better again.
As I think you know, we're staying at the Hilton in the Back Bay tonight and tomorrow night, so I'm getting some things together to make tonight extra special...I have cocktail shrimp thawing in the sink as I write, and just made a half dozen deviled eggs for a little cocktail hour this afternoon before we go out. Dinner tonight will be burgers at McGreevy's, an Irish sports pub where Dad's Diner used to be, then we'll get dolled up and go to the jazz club. Tomorrow we'll go shopping and out to dinner in the new Kenmore restaurant I told you about. Saturday we'll head down to Haymarket to stock up on produce and then over to Faneuil Hall for lunch at Todd English's seafood restaurant. I'm excited about very single thing we have planned! I'll try to remember to take a few pictures...
I will give you a call on the way, but should I not reach you, I wanted to check in here. Hope you have a good couple of days.
Love,
Barb
PS Yesterday was a good day. I loved the movie.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Wiped out
Hey,
I'm sorry to leave you hanging for a couple of days here. I hope you had a great afternoon with C - how did you like the movie?
I have no plans in the morning so I hope to sit and write, even though I know you're heading to Boston and won't be around. Right now I'm zonked; we took the kids (JJ, C, T) and S&T to The Harlem Globetrotters tonight for JJ's birthday. It was really fun, actually, but it's almost 10:30 and I'm just getting JJ into bed, with school starting back up again tomorrow. (Yay!)
JT should stop by sometime in the AM to put together my Present of the Year...I'll try to hit the gym later in the morning, then we go straight from 3:00 t0 8:00 with sports - basketball, baseball, basketball. I hate the overlapping seasons, but hey. I can't complain. If I have to spend this much time and energy on one kid, I'm happy to spend it on sports any day. Beats twice as many hours researching at-risk youth facilities and runaway laws, fighting, arguing, talking to a hundred people who don't want to help, and drinking. Ok, I'd keep the drinking. I wouldn't trade that.
I'm dead - more tomorrow - have a safe trip and call on the drive if you want to. I'll be around all morning.
Love,
A
I'm sorry to leave you hanging for a couple of days here. I hope you had a great afternoon with C - how did you like the movie?
I have no plans in the morning so I hope to sit and write, even though I know you're heading to Boston and won't be around. Right now I'm zonked; we took the kids (JJ, C, T) and S&T to The Harlem Globetrotters tonight for JJ's birthday. It was really fun, actually, but it's almost 10:30 and I'm just getting JJ into bed, with school starting back up again tomorrow. (Yay!)
JT should stop by sometime in the AM to put together my Present of the Year...I'll try to hit the gym later in the morning, then we go straight from 3:00 t0 8:00 with sports - basketball, baseball, basketball. I hate the overlapping seasons, but hey. I can't complain. If I have to spend this much time and energy on one kid, I'm happy to spend it on sports any day. Beats twice as many hours researching at-risk youth facilities and runaway laws, fighting, arguing, talking to a hundred people who don't want to help, and drinking. Ok, I'd keep the drinking. I wouldn't trade that.
I'm dead - more tomorrow - have a safe trip and call on the drive if you want to. I'll be around all morning.
Love,
A
Ladies Who Lunch
Good morning, Amanda.
I wish I had gotten up a little earlier today, as I'm feeling a bit rushed, but at least I have gotten my exercise in, have picked up my place enough to feel okay about having C over after lunch, and have a minute left to write before the blow dryer does its thing.
The plan for today is the swanky lunch followed by a chick flick and dessert martinis here and I'm looking forward to it...yet wouldn't be crushed if we skipped the movie and martinis here. The weather is supposed to get bad later today so I'm worried about C driving in it and having her over night would make getting ready for Boston a little awkward. I wouldn't make her drive in horrible weather, of course, but I also wouldn't be offering to make breakfast and eggs in the morning-- so I'm thinking if we avoid the whole possibility altogether it would make life easier. I'll let you know how things work out.
Hope all is well there.
Love,
Barb
I wish I had gotten up a little earlier today, as I'm feeling a bit rushed, but at least I have gotten my exercise in, have picked up my place enough to feel okay about having C over after lunch, and have a minute left to write before the blow dryer does its thing.
The plan for today is the swanky lunch followed by a chick flick and dessert martinis here and I'm looking forward to it...yet wouldn't be crushed if we skipped the movie and martinis here. The weather is supposed to get bad later today so I'm worried about C driving in it and having her over night would make getting ready for Boston a little awkward. I wouldn't make her drive in horrible weather, of course, but I also wouldn't be offering to make breakfast and eggs in the morning-- so I'm thinking if we avoid the whole possibility altogether it would make life easier. I'll let you know how things work out.
Hope all is well there.
Love,
Barb
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Switching Gears
Ugh. I'm so sorry there has to be so much unrest and ugliness ...but I am feeling certain that M will not end your marriage. Remember that you too want to throw your hands up and give up on M at times and just let him go, maybe J is just feeling that same frustration. Keep breathing, keep praying, keep hoping that somehow M gets that what he is doing is wrong and selfish and decides to grow up a little....
Not that I have even an iota of experience with any of it and therefore don't have a right to throw out a penny's worth of advice, never mind my two cents...Which is about all I'll have left to my name when I pick up my car later today.
Yesterday played out as the winter equivalent of that summer day I devote to reading. I finished the book by the 11 o'clock news and kept saying brilliant (you really must read it ASAP) as I walked around and picked up the debris from my lazy day: water glass, espresso cup, snifter, wine glass, empty 100 calorie pack of sun chips. (The second screwdriver was enough. I switched to water, there was no nap, but eventually I made some espresso. I sipped it with a little amaretto as my afternoon sweet, because it felt decadent to, then drank water again. About an hour before the end of the book I poured a glass of wine.) I never got out of my pajamas, which means I didn't shower. It was the perfect way to spend the first day of vacation.
Today I have more ambitious plans to do laundry and clean while I am without a car, then pick up dry cleaning and do some minimal grocery shopping and errand running. I'll be around if you want to talk.
Love,
Barb
Not that I have even an iota of experience with any of it and therefore don't have a right to throw out a penny's worth of advice, never mind my two cents...Which is about all I'll have left to my name when I pick up my car later today.
Yesterday played out as the winter equivalent of that summer day I devote to reading. I finished the book by the 11 o'clock news and kept saying brilliant (you really must read it ASAP) as I walked around and picked up the debris from my lazy day: water glass, espresso cup, snifter, wine glass, empty 100 calorie pack of sun chips. (The second screwdriver was enough. I switched to water, there was no nap, but eventually I made some espresso. I sipped it with a little amaretto as my afternoon sweet, because it felt decadent to, then drank water again. About an hour before the end of the book I poured a glass of wine.) I never got out of my pajamas, which means I didn't shower. It was the perfect way to spend the first day of vacation.
Today I have more ambitious plans to do laundry and clean while I am without a car, then pick up dry cleaning and do some minimal grocery shopping and errand running. I'll be around if you want to talk.
Love,
Barb
Monday, February 16, 2009
And the Daytime Drama Emmy Winner is.....
Mmmmm...sounds delightful! What a perfect Monday!
Not so much around here...of course...is it ever anything less than a soap opera at my house? After I talked to you yesterday, I picked up M at work. Later, he wanted to go to S's house, and I figured that was as good a time as any to address the whole you can't go there anymore because I have reason to believe his mom is involved in drugs talk with him. Yeah, that didn't go so well, as I'm sure you can imagine.
It wasn't a screaming fight like the other day; in fact, I kept my cool all the way through his absurd circular arguing. This is a classic, right here: He wanted to know why he couldn't go to S's just because I thought his mom was doing drugs. I said that I didn't think doing drugs with your kids was appropriate behavior for a mother. His response? "That's your opinion Mom. That's some kind of thing you made up in your head about what's appropriate and what's not."
Wow, right. Exactly. See what I'm up against? It's insane. He left as soon as the conversation was over; I took his phone and told him that if he chose to not follow our house rules (can't go to that kid's house) then he lost his privileges (phone, long board, computer). He was livid, but he gave it to me - not before deleting all the text messages - and left.
Then she called me, the mom. Left a message saying she really wanted to clear up these ridiculous rumors that I'm spreading about her. I had no intention of talking to her, or calling her back. Thing is, M never came home last night. Since he doesn't have his phone, the only way I can contact him is by calling her house...and then she would answer...and I just don't feel up to that confrontation.
He is supposed to work today at 1:00, which is interesting since his uniform is here and it's already after noon. I have no idea what he's planning to do at this point; I guess if he doesn't come home tonight I'll call the cops and report him as a runaway. My guess is that S' mom has a relationship with the local police on some level, and if they're anything like the school staff, they all know her name. It doesn't hurt to be Mrs. Chief M, either, since they all know ours, too. We'll see what happens today...
I tried to have a conversation with J about it last night, here's my RD version - told him I thought he needed to re-engage with the family and we needed to make some decision together about what we're going to do about M. His answer was basically that he could commit on the short term to helping M at all costs, but that he didn't know if he could follow through to the end. That at some point he might just throw up his hands and quit. I asked what he would do at that point (in my head: does that mean you're going to leave us?) and he said he didn't know. He told me that he knew I wasn't going to give up, so he guessed I was faced with choosing between him and M.
What a great day it was! So I got up this morning, had a healthy breakfast and went to the gym. Because in the end, I'm probably going to end up taking care of myself and my boys, so I might as well get started now.
I have no plans for today, other than waiting to hear from M, finishing laundry and ironing, while watching the first season of Crossing Jordan on my Netflix (which I just signed up for). I wanted to go out tonight for dinner and a movie with K & R; I thought it would be a nice distraction from all of this, a chance to spend some time together, but J says no, we can't afford it. Did I want to just have them over for dinner? No, I wanted to go out. I wanted to not have to cook or clean up or be in my house; I wanted to go out and forget that I have a teenage son walking on the edge of disaster and a husband who's not all that interested in parenting. I wanted to go out and have a Manhattan (because I don't have the stuff to make one at home) or two, or three, and lose myself in someone else's fictional world for a couple of hours. To spend some time with my friends who listen and care and want to help, to pretend that my husband might someday be like that too.
No, I don't want to have them here for dinner. Instead, I'm going to meet my friend JT, B's dad, the ex-crackhead who's a drummer in a band. We're going to meet some guy who's selling a drum set on Craig's list and JT has rigged up this great bargain for me. Plus, he wants to go with because a) he wants to make sure I don't get ripped off b) the guy has stuff he might want to buy himself, and c) the guy lives in a crappy neighborhood. How funny is that? So I'll meet him at 6:00 and we'll go do that; if I get this set, JT has offered to help me build it on Thursday while JJ is at school so that when he comes home, it's all ready to go. Who'd a thunk having an addict in a band for a friend would ever come in handy? Too bad he's in recovery, you know. I might have talked him into a Manhattan afterwards.
I just re-read that paragraph and I thought I'd put this out there: I don't have a crush on JT or anything. It sort of sounds like I do. He has the maturity and mentality of my 16-year-old problem child.
Anyway, I think I'll go get started on my stuff and stop avoiding it all. I hope your day continues to be blissful; I hope this entry finds you still in your pj's, maybe having moved on to wine by now, or maybe just waking up from a nap...
Love,
A
Not so much around here...of course...is it ever anything less than a soap opera at my house? After I talked to you yesterday, I picked up M at work. Later, he wanted to go to S's house, and I figured that was as good a time as any to address the whole you can't go there anymore because I have reason to believe his mom is involved in drugs talk with him. Yeah, that didn't go so well, as I'm sure you can imagine.
It wasn't a screaming fight like the other day; in fact, I kept my cool all the way through his absurd circular arguing. This is a classic, right here: He wanted to know why he couldn't go to S's just because I thought his mom was doing drugs. I said that I didn't think doing drugs with your kids was appropriate behavior for a mother. His response? "That's your opinion Mom. That's some kind of thing you made up in your head about what's appropriate and what's not."
Wow, right. Exactly. See what I'm up against? It's insane. He left as soon as the conversation was over; I took his phone and told him that if he chose to not follow our house rules (can't go to that kid's house) then he lost his privileges (phone, long board, computer). He was livid, but he gave it to me - not before deleting all the text messages - and left.
Then she called me, the mom. Left a message saying she really wanted to clear up these ridiculous rumors that I'm spreading about her. I had no intention of talking to her, or calling her back. Thing is, M never came home last night. Since he doesn't have his phone, the only way I can contact him is by calling her house...and then she would answer...and I just don't feel up to that confrontation.
He is supposed to work today at 1:00, which is interesting since his uniform is here and it's already after noon. I have no idea what he's planning to do at this point; I guess if he doesn't come home tonight I'll call the cops and report him as a runaway. My guess is that S' mom has a relationship with the local police on some level, and if they're anything like the school staff, they all know her name. It doesn't hurt to be Mrs. Chief M, either, since they all know ours, too. We'll see what happens today...
I tried to have a conversation with J about it last night, here's my RD version - told him I thought he needed to re-engage with the family and we needed to make some decision together about what we're going to do about M. His answer was basically that he could commit on the short term to helping M at all costs, but that he didn't know if he could follow through to the end. That at some point he might just throw up his hands and quit. I asked what he would do at that point (in my head: does that mean you're going to leave us?) and he said he didn't know. He told me that he knew I wasn't going to give up, so he guessed I was faced with choosing between him and M.
What a great day it was! So I got up this morning, had a healthy breakfast and went to the gym. Because in the end, I'm probably going to end up taking care of myself and my boys, so I might as well get started now.
I have no plans for today, other than waiting to hear from M, finishing laundry and ironing, while watching the first season of Crossing Jordan on my Netflix (which I just signed up for). I wanted to go out tonight for dinner and a movie with K & R; I thought it would be a nice distraction from all of this, a chance to spend some time together, but J says no, we can't afford it. Did I want to just have them over for dinner? No, I wanted to go out. I wanted to not have to cook or clean up or be in my house; I wanted to go out and forget that I have a teenage son walking on the edge of disaster and a husband who's not all that interested in parenting. I wanted to go out and have a Manhattan (because I don't have the stuff to make one at home) or two, or three, and lose myself in someone else's fictional world for a couple of hours. To spend some time with my friends who listen and care and want to help, to pretend that my husband might someday be like that too.
No, I don't want to have them here for dinner. Instead, I'm going to meet my friend JT, B's dad, the ex-crackhead who's a drummer in a band. We're going to meet some guy who's selling a drum set on Craig's list and JT has rigged up this great bargain for me. Plus, he wants to go with because a) he wants to make sure I don't get ripped off b) the guy has stuff he might want to buy himself, and c) the guy lives in a crappy neighborhood. How funny is that? So I'll meet him at 6:00 and we'll go do that; if I get this set, JT has offered to help me build it on Thursday while JJ is at school so that when he comes home, it's all ready to go. Who'd a thunk having an addict in a band for a friend would ever come in handy? Too bad he's in recovery, you know. I might have talked him into a Manhattan afterwards.
I just re-read that paragraph and I thought I'd put this out there: I don't have a crush on JT or anything. It sort of sounds like I do. He has the maturity and mentality of my 16-year-old problem child.
Anyway, I think I'll go get started on my stuff and stop avoiding it all. I hope your day continues to be blissful; I hope this entry finds you still in your pj's, maybe having moved on to wine by now, or maybe just waking up from a nap...
Love,
A
A Perfect Day
It's 1:40. I'm still in my pajamas and just now finished a plate of 2 eggs over easy, 2 slices of rye toast and 4 slices of center cut (leaner) bacon. I'm on screwdriver #2 (they're small, I'm using a double old fashion glass) and 100 pages into a book I (just barely) started yesterday but have been devouring this morning. (You will love it. Lost and Found by Carloyn Parkhurst.) That's what I call vacation!
I guess it's the kind of day I crave when I'm dying for a snow day, but that doesn't play out until the second or third snow day--if then. The first of the season is usually before Christmas when I'm behind the eight ball to get ready for Christmas, and the second is after Christmas when I need to take down my tree and de-Christmafy my house. By the time the third comes around I usually waste it, glad not to have anything to do hanging over my head, without the foresight to spend it like today.
I was up early (7) and decided I'd spend the morning reading rather than pop my exercise DVD in after my first cup of coffee. I got into the book and then D called and then W called, and when I finally got into my book again, the morning was gone. What would it hurt, I wondered, if I didn't exercise and get things done today? If instead I kept reading, made a brunch drink and had that Sunday on a Monday. While I have fun things planned for most of the week, tomorrow begins all those obligations and some are not so fun (the car thing and laundry and cleaning house). Mondays are the worst day of the work week, so why not make this Monday a fun and extraordinary day?
When I finish this entry I'll make my third mini-cocktail and will get back to my book. I imagine it won't be long before I'm ready for a nap (vodka tends to do that early in the day), but suppose when I get up I'll be motivated to do a few things around here. In keeping with the vacation theme I'll probably do them still dressed in my pajamas and will not feel an iota of guilt if I reconsider and choose not to do a thing.
I'll keep you posted.
Love,
B
I guess it's the kind of day I crave when I'm dying for a snow day, but that doesn't play out until the second or third snow day--if then. The first of the season is usually before Christmas when I'm behind the eight ball to get ready for Christmas, and the second is after Christmas when I need to take down my tree and de-Christmafy my house. By the time the third comes around I usually waste it, glad not to have anything to do hanging over my head, without the foresight to spend it like today.
I was up early (7) and decided I'd spend the morning reading rather than pop my exercise DVD in after my first cup of coffee. I got into the book and then D called and then W called, and when I finally got into my book again, the morning was gone. What would it hurt, I wondered, if I didn't exercise and get things done today? If instead I kept reading, made a brunch drink and had that Sunday on a Monday. While I have fun things planned for most of the week, tomorrow begins all those obligations and some are not so fun (the car thing and laundry and cleaning house). Mondays are the worst day of the work week, so why not make this Monday a fun and extraordinary day?
When I finish this entry I'll make my third mini-cocktail and will get back to my book. I imagine it won't be long before I'm ready for a nap (vodka tends to do that early in the day), but suppose when I get up I'll be motivated to do a few things around here. In keeping with the vacation theme I'll probably do them still dressed in my pajamas and will not feel an iota of guilt if I reconsider and choose not to do a thing.
I'll keep you posted.
Love,
B
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Not My Normal Sunday
Hello, Amanda.
While it is certainly still winter here, the instinct is not necessarily to hibernate anymore, so my day so far has been unlike most Sundays this past winter. Instead of laundry (maybe) followed by bacon and eggs and mimosas with no concern about driving or being anywhere later, I went out to run errands (the ones I didn't get around to yesterday) this morning. I went to WalMart, then CVS, then a couple other stores, and finally the supermarket for a salad bar for later today. I'm not doing the wash and prep of a three pack of romaine heads this week because a) I'm on vacation, and 2) I only need food for a couple of days. I was tempted to have a late brunch when I saw 4 lonely slices of center cut bacon in a zip lock bag while I was in the fridge getting water after doing my exercise DVD, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to stick with a different plan today. Tomorrow or the next day it will be fun to have a real breakfast while on vacation and not running out the door with a Special K bar at 6:30.
I wonder how things are going with you and M, if you've had a chance to talk or if you've decided it's better not to at this point. I hope everyone is safe and sound....
Love.
B
While it is certainly still winter here, the instinct is not necessarily to hibernate anymore, so my day so far has been unlike most Sundays this past winter. Instead of laundry (maybe) followed by bacon and eggs and mimosas with no concern about driving or being anywhere later, I went out to run errands (the ones I didn't get around to yesterday) this morning. I went to WalMart, then CVS, then a couple other stores, and finally the supermarket for a salad bar for later today. I'm not doing the wash and prep of a three pack of romaine heads this week because a) I'm on vacation, and 2) I only need food for a couple of days. I was tempted to have a late brunch when I saw 4 lonely slices of center cut bacon in a zip lock bag while I was in the fridge getting water after doing my exercise DVD, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to stick with a different plan today. Tomorrow or the next day it will be fun to have a real breakfast while on vacation and not running out the door with a Special K bar at 6:30.
I wonder how things are going with you and M, if you've had a chance to talk or if you've decided it's better not to at this point. I hope everyone is safe and sound....
Love.
B
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Cornwalls!
I knew I'd remember. That bar, by the way, moved across the street and is now on the BU side of Comm Ave.
YAY VACATION!
Hey, Amanda.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Vacation at last. Even though I just had one seven weeks ago, it feels good to have another. As you know, teaching is just another animal and requires frequent breaks. It zaps you physically and emotionally, and sometimes the occasional snow day just doesn't do enough to refresh.
Drinks with M and F were good, then afterward I did take myself out for my favorite 10 dollar steak dinner, which was particularly delicious last night. I went to bed early and woke up early, and now that I've done my exercise DVD I am making my plans for the day. I have nothing special planned, but I do need a few things that require a trip to WalMart. If they don't have everything I need there, I'll move on to other stores I guess. As far as tonight goes, I may just start a new book or watch a movie. Maybe both. I promised to watch Secret Life of Bees with C this week after we go out to lunch, but am tempted to watch it myself first. I do have The Kite Runner on hand, as well, though, so maybe I'll resist.
The cousin debacle took an ugly turn last night...an email came from J, the cousin we are trying to get together with when she's here from California, saying she misses us all but had no idea a little get together would be so difficult to plan. The email that followed that was from her sister D1, saying, I guess we just can't agree on anything this time. I'm out. See you on Easter, which is unfortunate. It is kind of crazy, and I want to take a lot of the blame on since I offered to host and rescinded, but I think ultimately D1 or D3 (her sister-in-law) or someone from her immediate family should have offered to host to begin with, since they had in mind to include people not in the family whom I shouldn't feel any obligation to host--even if I could fit them. I'm not sending any responses for now, just going to keep trying to let it go, and see if someone else intervenes, like my sister L, who never really got into the debate when it was getting nasty.
I am also going to spend lots of time looking forward to my mini vacation in Boston. W and I have all sorts of stuff planned, including some things we don't typically have a chance to do. Aside from dinners out, we're going to some shopping at downtown crossing (there's an Eddie Bauer outlet there), where I don't typically get to. Thursday night we're going out to a jazz club, and Friday night we're going to try a place I've never been in the new Kenmore Square. A new swanky hotel is there now, and this is one of the new restaurants on that strip of Comm Ave where the Rat and that walk down bar we went for Tequila Sunrises with K used to be. (It used to have the board games, remember? I'm blanking on the name. Darn. btw, W used to go there, too, during those years we were unknowingly crossing paths.) Anyway, I'm excited about our plans, and can hardly wait to be there.
Hope you have a good weekend. Be in touch when you can.
xo,
Barb
Happy Valentine's Day.
Vacation at last. Even though I just had one seven weeks ago, it feels good to have another. As you know, teaching is just another animal and requires frequent breaks. It zaps you physically and emotionally, and sometimes the occasional snow day just doesn't do enough to refresh.
Drinks with M and F were good, then afterward I did take myself out for my favorite 10 dollar steak dinner, which was particularly delicious last night. I went to bed early and woke up early, and now that I've done my exercise DVD I am making my plans for the day. I have nothing special planned, but I do need a few things that require a trip to WalMart. If they don't have everything I need there, I'll move on to other stores I guess. As far as tonight goes, I may just start a new book or watch a movie. Maybe both. I promised to watch Secret Life of Bees with C this week after we go out to lunch, but am tempted to watch it myself first. I do have The Kite Runner on hand, as well, though, so maybe I'll resist.
The cousin debacle took an ugly turn last night...an email came from J, the cousin we are trying to get together with when she's here from California, saying she misses us all but had no idea a little get together would be so difficult to plan. The email that followed that was from her sister D1, saying, I guess we just can't agree on anything this time. I'm out. See you on Easter, which is unfortunate. It is kind of crazy, and I want to take a lot of the blame on since I offered to host and rescinded, but I think ultimately D1 or D3 (her sister-in-law) or someone from her immediate family should have offered to host to begin with, since they had in mind to include people not in the family whom I shouldn't feel any obligation to host--even if I could fit them. I'm not sending any responses for now, just going to keep trying to let it go, and see if someone else intervenes, like my sister L, who never really got into the debate when it was getting nasty.
I am also going to spend lots of time looking forward to my mini vacation in Boston. W and I have all sorts of stuff planned, including some things we don't typically have a chance to do. Aside from dinners out, we're going to some shopping at downtown crossing (there's an Eddie Bauer outlet there), where I don't typically get to. Thursday night we're going out to a jazz club, and Friday night we're going to try a place I've never been in the new Kenmore Square. A new swanky hotel is there now, and this is one of the new restaurants on that strip of Comm Ave where the Rat and that walk down bar we went for Tequila Sunrises with K used to be. (It used to have the board games, remember? I'm blanking on the name. Darn. btw, W used to go there, too, during those years we were unknowingly crossing paths.) Anyway, I'm excited about our plans, and can hardly wait to be there.
Hope you have a good weekend. Be in touch when you can.
xo,
Barb
Friday, February 13, 2009
T minus 1
Dear Amanda,
First of all, how lucky was I to get to read from you twice yesterday? (Oh, and you win on the dysfunctional family.) I thought I'd try to get a quick post in now, because chances are I won't get around to it after school.
My night, in retrospect, was laughable. There I was seven sorts of pissed off, gonna get drunk, blah blah blah. Well this is how it played out: I did make that second cocktail, but never drank it. When I got up from my mini couch nap, the ice was melted and I wasn’t interested in it. Then my friend L called. We chatted for over an hour (it was nice to catch up) during which time I poured a glass of wine. When we were done, I poured another. That second glass was still on my coffee table this morning because I went up to bed early. (The ambitious glass.) I guess there’s something good in that. I seemed to be determined to let loose and be bad, and I couldn’t make it happen.
Today after school I am going out for drinks with my friends M and F from my department, to the place I have been the past couple of Fridays solo. I need to get my dry cleaning dropped off and W’s Valentines cards picked up and then I figure I might go out for steak. I totally forgot that tomorrow is V day, given that I’m not celebrating until next week, so if I go out this weekend, it should definitely be tonight. Tomorrow will be a nightmare. Not to mention a little sad to be out alone.
As for the cousin debacle, today I’ve decided to let it go. Thanks for that. I’m resisting the urge to email D2, You’re being mean, and to the group, Sorry, but I probably won’t be up for brunch after driving back for Boston. See you on Easter. I’m just letting it go. It’s not worth my energy. It also helped to do a little retail therapy this morning.
I’ve been wanting a pink sweater, so I ordered a cashmere one on line this morning. They didn’t have it in a v neck, which I’d prefer, but it was on sale. So Happy Valentines Day to me!...
And to you too. I hope that the camping weekend goes well, or not at all. ;-)
Love you,
Barb
PS My student also thinks my nails are beautiful.
First of all, how lucky was I to get to read from you twice yesterday? (Oh, and you win on the dysfunctional family.) I thought I'd try to get a quick post in now, because chances are I won't get around to it after school.
My night, in retrospect, was laughable. There I was seven sorts of pissed off, gonna get drunk, blah blah blah. Well this is how it played out: I did make that second cocktail, but never drank it. When I got up from my mini couch nap, the ice was melted and I wasn’t interested in it. Then my friend L called. We chatted for over an hour (it was nice to catch up) during which time I poured a glass of wine. When we were done, I poured another. That second glass was still on my coffee table this morning because I went up to bed early. (The ambitious glass.) I guess there’s something good in that. I seemed to be determined to let loose and be bad, and I couldn’t make it happen.
Today after school I am going out for drinks with my friends M and F from my department, to the place I have been the past couple of Fridays solo. I need to get my dry cleaning dropped off and W’s Valentines cards picked up and then I figure I might go out for steak. I totally forgot that tomorrow is V day, given that I’m not celebrating until next week, so if I go out this weekend, it should definitely be tonight. Tomorrow will be a nightmare. Not to mention a little sad to be out alone.
As for the cousin debacle, today I’ve decided to let it go. Thanks for that. I’m resisting the urge to email D2, You’re being mean, and to the group, Sorry, but I probably won’t be up for brunch after driving back for Boston. See you on Easter. I’m just letting it go. It’s not worth my energy. It also helped to do a little retail therapy this morning.
I’ve been wanting a pink sweater, so I ordered a cashmere one on line this morning. They didn’t have it in a v neck, which I’d prefer, but it was on sale. So Happy Valentines Day to me!...
And to you too. I hope that the camping weekend goes well, or not at all. ;-)
Love you,
Barb
PS My student also thinks my nails are beautiful.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
P. S.
I so get the nice girl compliment. By the time I left the job, a comment like "Great shoes, Ms. M" could almost trump an F grade.
New Bumper Sticker:
MY DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY IS WORSE THAN YOUR DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
Hey,
I'm sorry you are having relative craziness in your life too. I hope it all works out - I was right there with you on the staying in Boston and having an extra slice of chocolate delight instead. :-)
It's only 8:15 but I feel like it's midnight. We had basketball starting at 4:00 this afternoon and right up to dinner (McD's), after which I dropped JJ off at his coach's house to go to practice. J decided to stay home so I invited K over for a drink...and who should show up on the doorstep at exactly the same moment she did? Yup, M.
Duffle bag in hand, he came to the front door and I asked "Are you home?" He replied, "If that's ok." He didn't want to talk, he didn't even seem all that friendly or warm; my gut is that S's mom told him he couldn't stay there, and he truly has nowhere else to go, short of a bridge in Tacoma.
My meeting with MC went well today; I managed to spill three months of information and facts and details in about 15 minutes, then I was able to process some of it. While I did not get the answer I thought I was seeking, to the question, "What do I do now?", I did leave with some clarity: Let go, let God. Just get out of your own way; you don't need to call every hotline and every counseling agency and you don't need to devise some underhanded way to get him committed to a psych ward tonight. You don't need to register him for some boot camp private school in Wyoming. Just let it go.
And I did, and look what happened. She even made the point that as long as I keep trying to make things better with him, being the one to patch things up and smooth things over, he will never have to take responsibility for his own actions. He won't ever have to own up and apologize, or be the one who makes the first move.
Here's the kicker: I go upstairs to give J a head's up that he's home (he was changing clothes) and he starts in on me with all these questions. Like, if he doesn't want to talk now, will he be required to talk at some point? Or are we just supposed to go on like nothing happened? Are you thinking of laying down some ground rules?
And I'm standing there, completely dumbfounded, because A) he thinks everything's right with us since I curled up to him last night and 2) how in the world should I know what I'm going to do now? I haven't given it more than 50 minutes of thought and analysis; I haven't made any plans, I didn't expect him to come back at all, let alone this soon. Are you f***ing kidding me? What's my plan? Buddy, my plan is to go downstairs and throw back a bottle of my better red with K. That's about as far out as my agenda goes. Check in with me later.
Good lord, could this family be any more dysfunctional? K left a few moments ago and I went upstairs (while I'm still sober) to see if M wanted to talk. No, he was asleep. So here I am. JJ walked in just now and hopped in the shower; J walked in right after him and sat down in front of the tv. (He retreated to T's as soon as K and I opened the bottle of wine.)
I am expecting a call from the intervention specialist at school tomorrow, thanks to the Principal, with whom I spoke this afternoon. We're supposed to go camping Saturday morning, but I really, really, really don't want to go. And if M decides to fight us on going, where exactly am I supposed to leave him? Which means that we will have to force him to go with us, which will be perfectly miserable, as if camping, and camping in February, weren't already the last two things on earth I want to do this weekend.
I am so tired of dealing with this alone....I bow to every single mother ever, even the crack moms. I think I'll have another glass of this fabulous Malbec that my friend Jimmy (the wine distributor) sent to me at the Silpada party, via his wife. Malbec is one of my very favorites and this one is particularly yummy.
Did I mention that I'm 3/4 of the way through Then She Found Me? Way better than Isabel's Bed. I'm actually liking it quite a bit, although I'm having some character issues with Alice. I'll say more when I'm finished. I just have this awful picture of unshaved legs and Dansko clogs, and it's hard to get into the sex scenes with that vision in my head. No further comment until I'm done.
Which may be tonight...I think I'll curl up and read for a bit before bed. Tomorrow, Fri. Treats and grocery/trip shopping (argh!) and packing (double argh!). But, did I tell you that tomorrow night we get another girl's night out? Only this one you can't really make fun of, because it's really legit. The daughter of my friend S, (high-powered executive married to hot stay-home-dad), is in her freshman year at a local university. Tomorrow night is the opening night of The Vagina Monologues at her school, and T (the daughter) has scored the part of Moderator. There are about a dozen neighbor girls meeting for Mexican Happy Hour in downtown Tacoma, then going to the play together afterward. I'm traveling with S and Kim; K backed out at the last minute. No matter, we'll have a blast I'm sure.
Ok, that's about it. I ended up spending my afternoon napping instead of writing, so I haven't made much progress. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Let go, let God.
Love you,
A
Hey,
I'm sorry you are having relative craziness in your life too. I hope it all works out - I was right there with you on the staying in Boston and having an extra slice of chocolate delight instead. :-)
It's only 8:15 but I feel like it's midnight. We had basketball starting at 4:00 this afternoon and right up to dinner (McD's), after which I dropped JJ off at his coach's house to go to practice. J decided to stay home so I invited K over for a drink...and who should show up on the doorstep at exactly the same moment she did? Yup, M.
Duffle bag in hand, he came to the front door and I asked "Are you home?" He replied, "If that's ok." He didn't want to talk, he didn't even seem all that friendly or warm; my gut is that S's mom told him he couldn't stay there, and he truly has nowhere else to go, short of a bridge in Tacoma.
My meeting with MC went well today; I managed to spill three months of information and facts and details in about 15 minutes, then I was able to process some of it. While I did not get the answer I thought I was seeking, to the question, "What do I do now?", I did leave with some clarity: Let go, let God. Just get out of your own way; you don't need to call every hotline and every counseling agency and you don't need to devise some underhanded way to get him committed to a psych ward tonight. You don't need to register him for some boot camp private school in Wyoming. Just let it go.
And I did, and look what happened. She even made the point that as long as I keep trying to make things better with him, being the one to patch things up and smooth things over, he will never have to take responsibility for his own actions. He won't ever have to own up and apologize, or be the one who makes the first move.
Here's the kicker: I go upstairs to give J a head's up that he's home (he was changing clothes) and he starts in on me with all these questions. Like, if he doesn't want to talk now, will he be required to talk at some point? Or are we just supposed to go on like nothing happened? Are you thinking of laying down some ground rules?
And I'm standing there, completely dumbfounded, because A) he thinks everything's right with us since I curled up to him last night and 2) how in the world should I know what I'm going to do now? I haven't given it more than 50 minutes of thought and analysis; I haven't made any plans, I didn't expect him to come back at all, let alone this soon. Are you f***ing kidding me? What's my plan? Buddy, my plan is to go downstairs and throw back a bottle of my better red with K. That's about as far out as my agenda goes. Check in with me later.
Good lord, could this family be any more dysfunctional? K left a few moments ago and I went upstairs (while I'm still sober) to see if M wanted to talk. No, he was asleep. So here I am. JJ walked in just now and hopped in the shower; J walked in right after him and sat down in front of the tv. (He retreated to T's as soon as K and I opened the bottle of wine.)
I am expecting a call from the intervention specialist at school tomorrow, thanks to the Principal, with whom I spoke this afternoon. We're supposed to go camping Saturday morning, but I really, really, really don't want to go. And if M decides to fight us on going, where exactly am I supposed to leave him? Which means that we will have to force him to go with us, which will be perfectly miserable, as if camping, and camping in February, weren't already the last two things on earth I want to do this weekend.
I am so tired of dealing with this alone....I bow to every single mother ever, even the crack moms. I think I'll have another glass of this fabulous Malbec that my friend Jimmy (the wine distributor) sent to me at the Silpada party, via his wife. Malbec is one of my very favorites and this one is particularly yummy.
Did I mention that I'm 3/4 of the way through Then She Found Me? Way better than Isabel's Bed. I'm actually liking it quite a bit, although I'm having some character issues with Alice. I'll say more when I'm finished. I just have this awful picture of unshaved legs and Dansko clogs, and it's hard to get into the sex scenes with that vision in my head. No further comment until I'm done.
Which may be tonight...I think I'll curl up and read for a bit before bed. Tomorrow, Fri. Treats and grocery/trip shopping (argh!) and packing (double argh!). But, did I tell you that tomorrow night we get another girl's night out? Only this one you can't really make fun of, because it's really legit. The daughter of my friend S, (high-powered executive married to hot stay-home-dad), is in her freshman year at a local university. Tomorrow night is the opening night of The Vagina Monologues at her school, and T (the daughter) has scored the part of Moderator. There are about a dozen neighbor girls meeting for Mexican Happy Hour in downtown Tacoma, then going to the play together afterward. I'm traveling with S and Kim; K backed out at the last minute. No matter, we'll have a blast I'm sure.
Ok, that's about it. I ended up spending my afternoon napping instead of writing, so I haven't made much progress. Baby steps. One thing at a time. Let go, let God.
Love you,
A
A Nice PS
Work was frustrating, too, but after school one of my students made me feel good for minute.
"I love your fashion," she said. She proceeded nervously to compliment my jewelry, tell me that's so nice, that it matches, that I simply wear it when other teachers don't. "You're the only teacher [that's stylish]" she continued.
Sweet thing. "Thanks," I said, "you made my day." because my family is driving me f**king crazy.
"I love your fashion," she said. She proceeded nervously to compliment my jewelry, tell me that's so nice, that it matches, that I simply wear it when other teachers don't. "You're the only teacher [that's stylish]" she continued.
Sweet thing. "Thanks," I said, "you made my day." because my family is driving me f**king crazy.
Seeking Family Transplant
Ugh. Again, I am so sorry you have to go through this.
I know that I what I am going through does not in any way come close to having a teenage boy who ran away again (Not gonna lie, T's comment made me laugh. There, I did it for you.) but I guess it's all relative and my day kind of sucked, too. And it's all so utterly ridiculous. Getting "the girls" together for brunch while one of my cousins is visiting from California has become this huge issue that's frankly not worth recounting--although you might get a kick out of reading the email trail, if I haven't deleted it out of frustration. Okay, I will try my best at summarizing:
Cousin D1 suggests getting together while her sister J visits. We narrow down best times to next Sunday. We decide on brunch. Sister L suggests a place.
I offer to host instead.
Everyone is happy.
I realize I have bitten off more than I can chew, when the guest list is growing, and I'm not really cool with that (um, since I'm hosting) and I'm spending the few days before the brunch in Boston. So, after private consult with my sisters, send the I'm sorry email, can't host after all, not getting back from Boston till Sunday morning. Let's go back to plan A and go out. I even send a link to the restaurant and the menu, giving a tax and tip total in advance so we don't have to deal with awkwardness of splitting the bill on the spot for 12 ladies.
L, M, cousin K, with whom I normally don't gel, and I are all in agreement, psyched for going out, getting out and having someone else do the cooking and serving.
D1 emails late that she can't afford the brunch for her, her daughter, and son's pregnant girlfriend. (Lots of issues there, the least of which was, okay for me to spend 75 to host everyone--if not more--but you can't ? Meantime, Why can't they pay for themselves? Why are they even on the list?) Apparently D1 has phone calls or private emails with her sister in law D3, and says we've now moved a pot luck brunch there. An hour away.
K, who is more on the going out page asks respectfully--since she's having pins and screws put in her collar bone TODAY--emails this morning that she'd like then to have it at her house as a compromise. If people bring dishes and help, she's happy to host and she'd appreciate not having to do the traveling.
D2 (D1's sister) emails back that we should keep it at D3s, clearly showing an utter lack of regard for K's feelings.
And that's when I take a deep breath and look in my purse in case a pill has magically appeared. And since it hasn't I decide that my exercise today will consist of shaking coffee cocktails in my new shaker and lifting a lovely etched glass to my mouth.
I didn't even include the whole child part of it. The now the kids can all hang out together at D3's and I'm sorry, but what's the point of a girls' night out if the kids are in the next room? That's just another family holiday to me. Whatever. Maybe I'll just stay in Boston longer and have me a little more chocolate cake for brunch instead.
I'm glad my mechanic story made you laugh last night, and that you felt inspired this morning. I'm ready for another cocktail (seriously) so I'll sign off for now, hoping all is well.
Love you, too,
Barb
I know that I what I am going through does not in any way come close to having a teenage boy who ran away again (Not gonna lie, T's comment made me laugh. There, I did it for you.) but I guess it's all relative and my day kind of sucked, too. And it's all so utterly ridiculous. Getting "the girls" together for brunch while one of my cousins is visiting from California has become this huge issue that's frankly not worth recounting--although you might get a kick out of reading the email trail, if I haven't deleted it out of frustration. Okay, I will try my best at summarizing:
Cousin D1 suggests getting together while her sister J visits. We narrow down best times to next Sunday. We decide on brunch. Sister L suggests a place.
I offer to host instead.
Everyone is happy.
I realize I have bitten off more than I can chew, when the guest list is growing, and I'm not really cool with that (um, since I'm hosting) and I'm spending the few days before the brunch in Boston. So, after private consult with my sisters, send the I'm sorry email, can't host after all, not getting back from Boston till Sunday morning. Let's go back to plan A and go out. I even send a link to the restaurant and the menu, giving a tax and tip total in advance so we don't have to deal with awkwardness of splitting the bill on the spot for 12 ladies.
L, M, cousin K, with whom I normally don't gel, and I are all in agreement, psyched for going out, getting out and having someone else do the cooking and serving.
D1 emails late that she can't afford the brunch for her, her daughter, and son's pregnant girlfriend. (Lots of issues there, the least of which was, okay for me to spend 75 to host everyone--if not more--but you can't ? Meantime, Why can't they pay for themselves? Why are they even on the list?) Apparently D1 has phone calls or private emails with her sister in law D3, and says we've now moved a pot luck brunch there. An hour away.
K, who is more on the going out page asks respectfully--since she's having pins and screws put in her collar bone TODAY--emails this morning that she'd like then to have it at her house as a compromise. If people bring dishes and help, she's happy to host and she'd appreciate not having to do the traveling.
D2 (D1's sister) emails back that we should keep it at D3s, clearly showing an utter lack of regard for K's feelings.
And that's when I take a deep breath and look in my purse in case a pill has magically appeared. And since it hasn't I decide that my exercise today will consist of shaking coffee cocktails in my new shaker and lifting a lovely etched glass to my mouth.
I didn't even include the whole child part of it. The now the kids can all hang out together at D3's and I'm sorry, but what's the point of a girls' night out if the kids are in the next room? That's just another family holiday to me. Whatever. Maybe I'll just stay in Boston longer and have me a little more chocolate cake for brunch instead.
I'm glad my mechanic story made you laugh last night, and that you felt inspired this morning. I'm ready for another cocktail (seriously) so I'll sign off for now, hoping all is well.
Love you, too,
Barb
Teenager For Sale Cheap (includes all traditional drama and angst)
Ahhhh...good morning, Barb. I loved your post last night; in fact, I almost logged on anyway (feeling like I did) and wrote back, because you made me lol with "so I called Bobby at the garage..." - I was giggling at the first-name-basis thing before you even mentioned it. :-) Also, it just cracks me up that even though you had full, grown-up validation from the GWDAMD, you still called your "real" dad - hilarious!
And thanks for the smiles, late last night, when I debated between wine and Ambien, worried that both might land me in the morgue tomorrow (and then what would JJ do?), Finally, I chose neither. I went to bed at 10:00 or so, slept well, surprisingly, and woke up fairly high-functioning this morning. I'm sure you don't need the whole play-by-play that resulted in M sliding by me on his longboard, bundled in layered "street clothes" and carrying an overstuffed duffle bag, as I walked to the bus stop to get JJ on Tuesday. I can't even muster up the energy to go through it again (because, as you know, I've gone over every word and hand gesture and intonation about 150 times now in my head). I'm inclined to think that my screaming, "Get the f*** out of my house!" may have been a catalyst for his leaving, but one can never be sure. How much can I beat myself up about it? I was livid; I was beyond livid, I was the Amanda who was married to K: crazy and out of my mind and body, flailing my arms and, literally, screaming at the top of my lungs. Cuss words flying - such a hypocrite - God it was ugly.
And then I left the house with a ceremonial door slam, and threw myself on K's couch in a flood of tears. I had only a few minutes before JJ got home, so I really needed to compose myself; she let me breathe and not talk about it, and pretend that it wasn't that big of a deal. And when I got up and opened the front door to leave, there went M, on his longboard. T, across the street and, yells "Hey, M! Running away again?" If I hadn't been in such a state, I'd have laughed my a** off.
It all got worse when I tried to call J, to tell him what was going on, and he didn't answer his phone. This is a point of contention with me on a daily basis: 1) that we don't chit-chat during the day and b) if I do call, I usually don't get an anwswer and frequently don't get a call back. (When JJ fell off his skateboard last week, I called J first thing; he didn't answer. He only knew to come home when the tones went off in the station for an injured child at his own address. ) All I wanted to do was to keep this thing going, this thing we'd established over the past couple of days where we were talking to each other and kind of expressing a need for each other. I just wanted to reach out and say "Hey, this is happening and I'm ok but I want to share it with you". But I couldn't do that, and he didn't even bother to call me back.
By the time he got home at 5:30, all proud of himself for being home "early", I was worn out. Worn out from crying, and trying not to. Worn out with anger and frustration and resignation, with putting all my energy into being a good, normal Mom to JJ, and making sure he didn't sense that anything was terribly wrong. J asked where the boys were and I said that as far as I knew, M had run away again. "Oh, really? What happened this time?" he asked, irritated. All I could manage to say, before I burst into tears and ran upstairs, was "I don't know. I tried to call you when it was happening but you didn't answer."
Later, he said "I'm sorry I didn't answer, I had no idea that was going on." Well duh, you freakin' idiot. How would you? How would you have any idea whatsoever what is going on in this family since you don't spend any time in it????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't get all worked up again; this is so counter-productive. I haven't been paralyzed by this, nor have I sunk into a depression over it. I've over-busied myself instead, not giving myself more than five minutes in the house without a specific task to accomplish. I've been running - literally and figuratively, at the gym, to the store. Tidying up errands that have grown cobwebs on my to-do list. Washing all the sheets on every bed. Taking the bottle bins to recycling. Calling my mother.
I don't know what to do and I'm not really sure who to ask for help. I would give anything for someone to just tell me what I'm supposed to do that will have the best possible outcome. I made an appointment with MC today because I thought that might be a good place to start looking for answers. We'll see.
Right now, I'm going to try to use some of the inspiration I gleaNed from you this morning and write elsewhere for a bit. MC's office is near TJ's so I'm going to treat myself to a visit after my session, and maybe lunch at The Rock, a pizza joint next door with a killer lunch special.
All I have to say is thank god for prozac.
Love you and thanks for listening, as always,
A
And thanks for the smiles, late last night, when I debated between wine and Ambien, worried that both might land me in the morgue tomorrow (and then what would JJ do?), Finally, I chose neither. I went to bed at 10:00 or so, slept well, surprisingly, and woke up fairly high-functioning this morning. I'm sure you don't need the whole play-by-play that resulted in M sliding by me on his longboard, bundled in layered "street clothes" and carrying an overstuffed duffle bag, as I walked to the bus stop to get JJ on Tuesday. I can't even muster up the energy to go through it again (because, as you know, I've gone over every word and hand gesture and intonation about 150 times now in my head). I'm inclined to think that my screaming, "Get the f*** out of my house!" may have been a catalyst for his leaving, but one can never be sure. How much can I beat myself up about it? I was livid; I was beyond livid, I was the Amanda who was married to K: crazy and out of my mind and body, flailing my arms and, literally, screaming at the top of my lungs. Cuss words flying - such a hypocrite - God it was ugly.
And then I left the house with a ceremonial door slam, and threw myself on K's couch in a flood of tears. I had only a few minutes before JJ got home, so I really needed to compose myself; she let me breathe and not talk about it, and pretend that it wasn't that big of a deal. And when I got up and opened the front door to leave, there went M, on his longboard. T, across the street and, yells "Hey, M! Running away again?" If I hadn't been in such a state, I'd have laughed my a** off.
It all got worse when I tried to call J, to tell him what was going on, and he didn't answer his phone. This is a point of contention with me on a daily basis: 1) that we don't chit-chat during the day and b) if I do call, I usually don't get an anwswer and frequently don't get a call back. (When JJ fell off his skateboard last week, I called J first thing; he didn't answer. He only knew to come home when the tones went off in the station for an injured child at his own address. ) All I wanted to do was to keep this thing going, this thing we'd established over the past couple of days where we were talking to each other and kind of expressing a need for each other. I just wanted to reach out and say "Hey, this is happening and I'm ok but I want to share it with you". But I couldn't do that, and he didn't even bother to call me back.
By the time he got home at 5:30, all proud of himself for being home "early", I was worn out. Worn out from crying, and trying not to. Worn out with anger and frustration and resignation, with putting all my energy into being a good, normal Mom to JJ, and making sure he didn't sense that anything was terribly wrong. J asked where the boys were and I said that as far as I knew, M had run away again. "Oh, really? What happened this time?" he asked, irritated. All I could manage to say, before I burst into tears and ran upstairs, was "I don't know. I tried to call you when it was happening but you didn't answer."
Later, he said "I'm sorry I didn't answer, I had no idea that was going on." Well duh, you freakin' idiot. How would you? How would you have any idea whatsoever what is going on in this family since you don't spend any time in it????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't get all worked up again; this is so counter-productive. I haven't been paralyzed by this, nor have I sunk into a depression over it. I've over-busied myself instead, not giving myself more than five minutes in the house without a specific task to accomplish. I've been running - literally and figuratively, at the gym, to the store. Tidying up errands that have grown cobwebs on my to-do list. Washing all the sheets on every bed. Taking the bottle bins to recycling. Calling my mother.
I don't know what to do and I'm not really sure who to ask for help. I would give anything for someone to just tell me what I'm supposed to do that will have the best possible outcome. I made an appointment with MC today because I thought that might be a good place to start looking for answers. We'll see.
Right now, I'm going to try to use some of the inspiration I gleaNed from you this morning and write elsewhere for a bit. MC's office is near TJ's so I'm going to treat myself to a visit after my session, and maybe lunch at The Rock, a pizza joint next door with a killer lunch special.
All I have to say is thank god for prozac.
Love you and thanks for listening, as always,
A
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
In Control
Hello, Amanda.
I'm finally taking a little breather here and thought I'd stop to write before I get going on some other project before I finally collapse. (Funny how already I have more energy since I started exercising again.)
It's been a good day overall. After school I had my car serviced at a new (for me) garage that I'm happy with. There was an older gentleman in the waiting room, who pretty much doubled as my Dad, and who told me he was a regular, pleased customer. (I may have asked...I was looking for a little reassurance.) Like me he was sick of the up-sell at some of the franchise in-and-out places. Anyway, this place does oil changes but is also a full service garage, which works out well since I need to have my water pump replaced. Arg!!! My car has been loud (W mentioned it last time) and I didn't pay much attention/decided (stupidly) to ignore it. In fact, I attributed to the cold weather. Yeah, right. Well, I left with an estimate and the agreement of The Guy Who Doubled As My Dad that it needs to be done and is a legitimate issue.
So, I called my real Dad when I got home to tell him the story, who also was in agreement about the diagnosis and the need to have it fixed, and to see if he could pick me up after I drop the car off next week. We agreed that Tuesday worked for both of us, so I called Bobby at the garage and scheduled the appointment. Okay, it totally sucks that I have to drop 300 bucks next week before heading to Boston but the bright side: I have the money to do it, I won't get stuck on the Pike, and I think I may have found a garage I trust. I've been fortunate not to have car issues (even with my old car) but even getting my car serviced was a nightmare: how long the wait would be was always a crap shoot, and I'd get sick wondering what they'd try to sell me and whether or not it would be legitimate. But Bobby (see, we're already on a first name basis) I trust, and I can make appointments as I did today. Look at me, all grown up, with a garage. lol
I did my exercise DVD when I got home and have been doing little projects ever since all in an effort to feel in control of things--my space, my finances, my time. It's just a different kind of nesting I guess.
Hope you're doing well. Looking forward to updates from your end.
Love,
Barb
I'm finally taking a little breather here and thought I'd stop to write before I get going on some other project before I finally collapse. (Funny how already I have more energy since I started exercising again.)
It's been a good day overall. After school I had my car serviced at a new (for me) garage that I'm happy with. There was an older gentleman in the waiting room, who pretty much doubled as my Dad, and who told me he was a regular, pleased customer. (I may have asked...I was looking for a little reassurance.) Like me he was sick of the up-sell at some of the franchise in-and-out places. Anyway, this place does oil changes but is also a full service garage, which works out well since I need to have my water pump replaced. Arg!!! My car has been loud (W mentioned it last time) and I didn't pay much attention/decided (stupidly) to ignore it. In fact, I attributed to the cold weather. Yeah, right. Well, I left with an estimate and the agreement of The Guy Who Doubled As My Dad that it needs to be done and is a legitimate issue.
So, I called my real Dad when I got home to tell him the story, who also was in agreement about the diagnosis and the need to have it fixed, and to see if he could pick me up after I drop the car off next week. We agreed that Tuesday worked for both of us, so I called Bobby at the garage and scheduled the appointment. Okay, it totally sucks that I have to drop 300 bucks next week before heading to Boston but the bright side: I have the money to do it, I won't get stuck on the Pike, and I think I may have found a garage I trust. I've been fortunate not to have car issues (even with my old car) but even getting my car serviced was a nightmare: how long the wait would be was always a crap shoot, and I'd get sick wondering what they'd try to sell me and whether or not it would be legitimate. But Bobby (see, we're already on a first name basis) I trust, and I can make appointments as I did today. Look at me, all grown up, with a garage. lol
I did my exercise DVD when I got home and have been doing little projects ever since all in an effort to feel in control of things--my space, my finances, my time. It's just a different kind of nesting I guess.
Hope you're doing well. Looking forward to updates from your end.
Love,
Barb
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Math
Hey, A,
How funny that I would inspire you to keep moving...Seriously. I'm Lazy A*s of the Year. LAY--and that pretty much sums up how I get my exercise. And even that's been a while...
For me it was time to do the math. I eat well mostly. Really, I do. (By the way, my cholesterol came back okay!) I love vegetables and crave salad if I go a day or two without. I eat light wheat bread or rye bread and keep an eye on fiber. But I like to drink, and to eat red meat once a week, sometimes twice. And while I try to portion it out, occasionally my dinner is cheese, crackers, and pepperoni. And I'm not willing to give up my little treats. I'll monitor them, but I won't give them up. So I guess if I'm not willing to give up the evening cocktail or wine, or red meat, I need to add exercise into the equation. It seems stupid to complain that I'm trying to lose weight but can't when I'm not exercising as I should be.
I have gone 3 days in a row (I do them after school during the week, in the morning on weekends) and am happy. If I can stick to 3-5 times a week, I'll be thrilled. If I set myself up by saying I want to work our 5 or 7 times a week, I'm sure to fail. So tonight I get a pass. Based on my plans for the rest of the week, I'll work out Wednesday and Thursday, then probably take Friday off. I'll work out Saturday and will have 5 checks on the calendar. Not a bad start.
I had a department meeting after school, then a nail appointment. On my way home I stopped for a piece of salmon, which I've been craving, and now I'm at the keyboard while some Viognier chills. Entropy is starting to take control again around here, so after dinner maybe I'll move around a little with some housecleaning. There will be little to feel guilty about after having spinach and salmon, and making multiple trips up and down the stairs, maybe scrubbing toilets.
Your night at Applebee's sounds fun--so very BLU ish. Sorry to hear M has been a pain in the arse, but glad to hear you are still looking forward to a family weekend away. Do let me know if you found anything at Nordstrom.
xo,
Barb
How funny that I would inspire you to keep moving...Seriously. I'm Lazy A*s of the Year. LAY--and that pretty much sums up how I get my exercise. And even that's been a while...
For me it was time to do the math. I eat well mostly. Really, I do. (By the way, my cholesterol came back okay!) I love vegetables and crave salad if I go a day or two without. I eat light wheat bread or rye bread and keep an eye on fiber. But I like to drink, and to eat red meat once a week, sometimes twice. And while I try to portion it out, occasionally my dinner is cheese, crackers, and pepperoni. And I'm not willing to give up my little treats. I'll monitor them, but I won't give them up. So I guess if I'm not willing to give up the evening cocktail or wine, or red meat, I need to add exercise into the equation. It seems stupid to complain that I'm trying to lose weight but can't when I'm not exercising as I should be.
I have gone 3 days in a row (I do them after school during the week, in the morning on weekends) and am happy. If I can stick to 3-5 times a week, I'll be thrilled. If I set myself up by saying I want to work our 5 or 7 times a week, I'm sure to fail. So tonight I get a pass. Based on my plans for the rest of the week, I'll work out Wednesday and Thursday, then probably take Friday off. I'll work out Saturday and will have 5 checks on the calendar. Not a bad start.
I had a department meeting after school, then a nail appointment. On my way home I stopped for a piece of salmon, which I've been craving, and now I'm at the keyboard while some Viognier chills. Entropy is starting to take control again around here, so after dinner maybe I'll move around a little with some housecleaning. There will be little to feel guilty about after having spinach and salmon, and making multiple trips up and down the stairs, maybe scrubbing toilets.
Your night at Applebee's sounds fun--so very BLU ish. Sorry to hear M has been a pain in the arse, but glad to hear you are still looking forward to a family weekend away. Do let me know if you found anything at Nordstrom.
xo,
Barb
Greasy Bar Food = Treadmill
Good morning, B.
It's T-3 and counting, now. You have the whole week off? We only get Mon-Wed. Are you going to B-town for the whole week?
We leave Saturday morning for our second annual Feb. Break camping trip (just us). M will bring his buddy, S, and JJ is still trying to decide between B and JK as a companion. Should be a good time, even if M has been a pill these past couple of days. I think we'll go down towards the Oregon Coast and pray it doesn't snow (like it's doing right now). Ah, the essence of the northwest: camping in snow. Thank God for trailers, and teenagers who will sleep in a tent, regardless of the weather.
I just have a minute this morning before K and S and I head out to go shopping. I just got back from the gym - you have inspired me to get moving, doing your DVD every morning! I texted K at the same time she was texting me to go; I'm so glad I have a workout buddy or I'd never be able to do this. I did the walk/run thing again and I feel awesome. Plus, I got a whole new cardio playlist on my iPod, which helps. The woman next to me on the treadmill I know from baseball; she is maybe 35 years old and has five (5) children (the oldest is JJ's age). And there she is, every single morning (or at least every time I go in) on the treadmill, running at like 7 mph, incline 10, for an hour. She looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat in her life, let alone given birth once. I just looked over at her, cruisin' away with hardly a raised heartbeat, and I thought: This is possible. This is hard, but it's possible.
Last night, after M asked me what I was so pissed off about, and he didn't like my answer that he had been disrespectful, and we argued about the meaning of disrespectful and exactly how many cuss words you need to say to your mom before she's allowed to think it's disrespectful, T called me and said he'd had a crappy day at work. Did I want to go sit in the bar at Applebees, eat greasy bar food, and drink?
Well, duh! He rounded up K&R, and M went over to his house to watch the boys; the five of us piled into T's new pickup and went out for awhile (J was at work). We ate disgustingly fattening potato skins and mozzarella sticks and hot wings, while pounding back 7&7's (me and K) and happy hour beer (the boys). Poor S, she knew T was going to get shifassed (how do you spell it, anyway?) so she took his keys away right off the bat and then had to endure two hours of the four of us drinking and being completely obnoxious. She's such a sport.
J joined us later at home, where T continued to drink until S and I went to bed and left them to their testosterone fest. Thank God I stopped at two drinks and went to water because I really, really needed to get up and feel better today than yesterday. Apart from the intestinal trauma (unavoidable after that "meal") I do feel quite good. I had this grand plan of rearranging (which includes emptying and deep cleaning) all my kitchen cupboards today, but K and I thought going to Nordstrom sounded like way more fun. Who was I to argue?
Must go shower and get ready...hope you're having a good Tuesday and that the hourglass is keeping you going :)
Love, A
It's T-3 and counting, now. You have the whole week off? We only get Mon-Wed. Are you going to B-town for the whole week?
We leave Saturday morning for our second annual Feb. Break camping trip (just us). M will bring his buddy, S, and JJ is still trying to decide between B and JK as a companion. Should be a good time, even if M has been a pill these past couple of days. I think we'll go down towards the Oregon Coast and pray it doesn't snow (like it's doing right now). Ah, the essence of the northwest: camping in snow. Thank God for trailers, and teenagers who will sleep in a tent, regardless of the weather.
I just have a minute this morning before K and S and I head out to go shopping. I just got back from the gym - you have inspired me to get moving, doing your DVD every morning! I texted K at the same time she was texting me to go; I'm so glad I have a workout buddy or I'd never be able to do this. I did the walk/run thing again and I feel awesome. Plus, I got a whole new cardio playlist on my iPod, which helps. The woman next to me on the treadmill I know from baseball; she is maybe 35 years old and has five (5) children (the oldest is JJ's age). And there she is, every single morning (or at least every time I go in) on the treadmill, running at like 7 mph, incline 10, for an hour. She looks like she's never eaten an ounce of fat in her life, let alone given birth once. I just looked over at her, cruisin' away with hardly a raised heartbeat, and I thought: This is possible. This is hard, but it's possible.
Last night, after M asked me what I was so pissed off about, and he didn't like my answer that he had been disrespectful, and we argued about the meaning of disrespectful and exactly how many cuss words you need to say to your mom before she's allowed to think it's disrespectful, T called me and said he'd had a crappy day at work. Did I want to go sit in the bar at Applebees, eat greasy bar food, and drink?
Well, duh! He rounded up K&R, and M went over to his house to watch the boys; the five of us piled into T's new pickup and went out for awhile (J was at work). We ate disgustingly fattening potato skins and mozzarella sticks and hot wings, while pounding back 7&7's (me and K) and happy hour beer (the boys). Poor S, she knew T was going to get shifassed (how do you spell it, anyway?) so she took his keys away right off the bat and then had to endure two hours of the four of us drinking and being completely obnoxious. She's such a sport.
J joined us later at home, where T continued to drink until S and I went to bed and left them to their testosterone fest. Thank God I stopped at two drinks and went to water because I really, really needed to get up and feel better today than yesterday. Apart from the intestinal trauma (unavoidable after that "meal") I do feel quite good. I had this grand plan of rearranging (which includes emptying and deep cleaning) all my kitchen cupboards today, but K and I thought going to Nordstrom sounded like way more fun. Who was I to argue?
Must go shower and get ready...hope you're having a good Tuesday and that the hourglass is keeping you going :)
Love, A
Monday, February 9, 2009
T minus 4 days and counting...
Hey, there.
It's already after 7??...I just finished making and eating dinner (sesame noodles and Soyaki marinated pork tenderloin medallions) and getting lunch together for tomorrow, but my kitchen is still a mess so I can't relax for long. My back is bothering me today (but I still did my exercise DVD!) so I needed a little sit down break before tackling the dishes. I figured I'd write now. Once I'm on the couch no telling if I'll get back up except to go upstairs to bed.
I stayed up late watching the Grammys last night (Why? Not sure.) and struggled a little this afternoon, but now, after some exercise and a good dinner, I'm sure to get a second wind. Oh well. We're in the countdown till vacation; I can sleep in every day next week if I want. I actually thought of that this morning as I listened to my coffee brew: just get through this week, Barb, next week is all our own. Remember those days? It's really no way to live....
I hope you and J stayed in good spirits and energy yesterday, and that both the company and the food were great last night at dinner with M&D. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it when you get a chance.
Love,
Barb
It's already after 7??...I just finished making and eating dinner (sesame noodles and Soyaki marinated pork tenderloin medallions) and getting lunch together for tomorrow, but my kitchen is still a mess so I can't relax for long. My back is bothering me today (but I still did my exercise DVD!) so I needed a little sit down break before tackling the dishes. I figured I'd write now. Once I'm on the couch no telling if I'll get back up except to go upstairs to bed.
I stayed up late watching the Grammys last night (Why? Not sure.) and struggled a little this afternoon, but now, after some exercise and a good dinner, I'm sure to get a second wind. Oh well. We're in the countdown till vacation; I can sleep in every day next week if I want. I actually thought of that this morning as I listened to my coffee brew: just get through this week, Barb, next week is all our own. Remember those days? It's really no way to live....
I hope you and J stayed in good spirits and energy yesterday, and that both the company and the food were great last night at dinner with M&D. I'm looking forward to hearing all about it when you get a chance.
Love,
Barb
My Ray of Sunshine
Woops! I logged on this morning, hoping to read an early post from you and was quite disappointed to find that it actually wasn't your "turn" - that I thought I had written but never did. My day progressed slowly and without much purpose, and I didn't feel like blogging until now, which leaves me with little time before I pick up JJ in half an hour. Not much to say anyway... (such a lie, as I see now that I am done)
Had a great time at dinner last night; we had excellent food and service, a nice, chatty drive up and a good, long visit with D&M. We realized that it's been more than two years since we've seen each other so there was much to catch up on. I slept most of the way home, then curled up to J for a restful night's sleep. The thing is, I woke up this morning, groggy. Aimless and listless and totally unmotivated to accomplish anything more than laundry and a few overdue phone calls. Granted, the machine's been going since 8:00 this morning and I still have three loads to go, so it's not like nothing got done. I just spent a lot of time dinking around on the internet, shopping with no money, for stuff I don't need. Played a few hands of solitaire and opened my blogs several times, hoping to be suddenly inspired.
And here it is, 4:30. Time to pick up the kid and get dinner started. And fold more laundry, and gear up to "talk to" M this evening when J gets home. He had a little meltdown yesterday - the first significant flare up since the homeless incident - and we (J and I) were both really angry. He just popped off on me out of the blue (and I'm not kidding) to the point where he was dropping f bombs in front of his buddy, S, and S was trying to get him to leave. I have no idea what happened; the three of us (M, S, and I) were at the kitchen bar, they were eating lunch and I was just standing there chatting with them. M was invited to compete in some math contest at school so I was asking him about it. I realized that it could take him to the Math Olympiad in DC, and I got all excited about that.
Well, evidently, that's f***in stupid, and he has no intention of going to a national math contest, because that's just retarded. Like, what, I want to be a math teacher? All that came flooding out of his mouth in this completely unprecedented explosion. As soon as I could catch my breath, I just looked at him and asked 'What. Is. Your. Problem? Oh my God, what just happened there?" And he told me that two weeks ago I completely dissed his dreams and ambitions of what he really wants to do with his life, and I just keep dissing him over and over. He's not like me, he doesn't want to be academic. He doesn't want to go to college. I'm not supportive. I tell JJ he can join the NFL but I tell M he has to get an education and ditch the whole professional BMX racer dream.
Well here's the thing, B. JJ actually plays football. He's also only 11; right now I'm not seeing signs that he's going to abandon his education and start smoking pot, so I don't have much of a reason not to support him. M, on the other hand, doesn't even own a bike. It was stolen last year, and so far, he has done nothing - and I mean nothing - to save up for a new one. (Not to mention we gave him cash for Christmas to go toward the new bike and he spent it on something else.) So, I'm not sure what it is I'm not supporting; what exactly is it that I'm not doing that's preventing him from becoming the next Tony Hawk or whomever? (Yeah, I know he's a skateboarder, but I don't know any bikers.) How is it that I'm shattering this dream?
Maybe he's just forgotten what support looks like. Maybe all the flying lessons and trips to my dad's, the effort to help him get into Aviation High School, all the equipment and gear we bought and all the constant praise for being so dedicated to something he loved soooooo much...maybe he just doesn't remember all that. Today, he has no interest in going anywhere near an airport and I don't push it. I let him transfer out of that school, even though it was an excellent school and a phenomenal opportunity. I don't bug him about what ever happened to your dream of flying? All I freakin' said was that I think he ought to pull his grades up to Cs and start thinking about the future a little bit, and that a chance to go to the Math Olympiad was pretty cool.
Not.
Duh.
Anyway, he pouted all day and then he's up there pouting in his room now; I have to go, but maybe I'll finish later; I could have been done, but my little plane has been circling the airport for so long they've closed my runway.
Love,
A
Had a great time at dinner last night; we had excellent food and service, a nice, chatty drive up and a good, long visit with D&M. We realized that it's been more than two years since we've seen each other so there was much to catch up on. I slept most of the way home, then curled up to J for a restful night's sleep. The thing is, I woke up this morning, groggy. Aimless and listless and totally unmotivated to accomplish anything more than laundry and a few overdue phone calls. Granted, the machine's been going since 8:00 this morning and I still have three loads to go, so it's not like nothing got done. I just spent a lot of time dinking around on the internet, shopping with no money, for stuff I don't need. Played a few hands of solitaire and opened my blogs several times, hoping to be suddenly inspired.
And here it is, 4:30. Time to pick up the kid and get dinner started. And fold more laundry, and gear up to "talk to" M this evening when J gets home. He had a little meltdown yesterday - the first significant flare up since the homeless incident - and we (J and I) were both really angry. He just popped off on me out of the blue (and I'm not kidding) to the point where he was dropping f bombs in front of his buddy, S, and S was trying to get him to leave. I have no idea what happened; the three of us (M, S, and I) were at the kitchen bar, they were eating lunch and I was just standing there chatting with them. M was invited to compete in some math contest at school so I was asking him about it. I realized that it could take him to the Math Olympiad in DC, and I got all excited about that.
Well, evidently, that's f***in stupid, and he has no intention of going to a national math contest, because that's just retarded. Like, what, I want to be a math teacher? All that came flooding out of his mouth in this completely unprecedented explosion. As soon as I could catch my breath, I just looked at him and asked 'What. Is. Your. Problem? Oh my God, what just happened there?" And he told me that two weeks ago I completely dissed his dreams and ambitions of what he really wants to do with his life, and I just keep dissing him over and over. He's not like me, he doesn't want to be academic. He doesn't want to go to college. I'm not supportive. I tell JJ he can join the NFL but I tell M he has to get an education and ditch the whole professional BMX racer dream.
Well here's the thing, B. JJ actually plays football. He's also only 11; right now I'm not seeing signs that he's going to abandon his education and start smoking pot, so I don't have much of a reason not to support him. M, on the other hand, doesn't even own a bike. It was stolen last year, and so far, he has done nothing - and I mean nothing - to save up for a new one. (Not to mention we gave him cash for Christmas to go toward the new bike and he spent it on something else.) So, I'm not sure what it is I'm not supporting; what exactly is it that I'm not doing that's preventing him from becoming the next Tony Hawk or whomever? (Yeah, I know he's a skateboarder, but I don't know any bikers.) How is it that I'm shattering this dream?
Maybe he's just forgotten what support looks like. Maybe all the flying lessons and trips to my dad's, the effort to help him get into Aviation High School, all the equipment and gear we bought and all the constant praise for being so dedicated to something he loved soooooo much...maybe he just doesn't remember all that. Today, he has no interest in going anywhere near an airport and I don't push it. I let him transfer out of that school, even though it was an excellent school and a phenomenal opportunity. I don't bug him about what ever happened to your dream of flying? All I freakin' said was that I think he ought to pull his grades up to Cs and start thinking about the future a little bit, and that a chance to go to the Math Olympiad was pretty cool.
Not.
Duh.
Anyway, he pouted all day and then he's up there pouting in his room now; I have to go, but maybe I'll finish later; I could have been done, but my little plane has been circling the airport for so long they've closed my runway.
Love,
A
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Good Spirits Here, Too
Hey, A.
You sound great! I love the tone of your post this morning... things better with J, looking forward to dinner tonight, not getting chest pains despite evidence of munchies in the garbage. Perfect. Now if we could only have slowed you down when you had the I want I want I want that too!s and had you talk first to the Vista Print expert (that would be me) you might have some business cards you like too, for free, rather than 25 dollars worth of disappointment. Oh well, I think what you do have today trumps that bad box of business cards. Easy.
I am better today. Last night I went out for my favorite bargain steak dinner and had another great night's sleep, and this morning I was actually able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One more week of school and then vacation, during which I will see W and enjoy some time in Boston. I can get through one more weekend without him. When a few days later I'll be walking through the Back Bay, the weekend won't be unbearable.
I started my day with Raisin Bran, then did my exercise DVD again this morning (yay!), vacuumed, talked to D, and am ready to finally watch my Netflix. I just made a batch of espresso martinis in my fun new shaker to watch with (I earned it didn't I?)and decided to check email and blogs first--and am glad I did.
Enjoy you day, enjoy your dinner, and please send me a few business cards anyway.
Love you,
B
PS Um , who exactly gleams inspiration? Remind me before my August visit.
PPS I'm glad J is excited too.
You sound great! I love the tone of your post this morning... things better with J, looking forward to dinner tonight, not getting chest pains despite evidence of munchies in the garbage. Perfect. Now if we could only have slowed you down when you had the I want I want I want that too!s and had you talk first to the Vista Print expert (that would be me) you might have some business cards you like too, for free, rather than 25 dollars worth of disappointment. Oh well, I think what you do have today trumps that bad box of business cards. Easy.
I am better today. Last night I went out for my favorite bargain steak dinner and had another great night's sleep, and this morning I was actually able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One more week of school and then vacation, during which I will see W and enjoy some time in Boston. I can get through one more weekend without him. When a few days later I'll be walking through the Back Bay, the weekend won't be unbearable.
I started my day with Raisin Bran, then did my exercise DVD again this morning (yay!), vacuumed, talked to D, and am ready to finally watch my Netflix. I just made a batch of espresso martinis in my fun new shaker to watch with (I earned it didn't I?)and decided to check email and blogs first--and am glad I did.
Enjoy you day, enjoy your dinner, and please send me a few business cards anyway.
Love you,
B
PS Um , who exactly gleams inspiration? Remind me before my August visit.
PPS I'm glad J is excited too.
The Wildest Ride in the Park
Hey, you.
First of all, because I'm mortified that I didn't know kind/kinds in my last post, let's just get this out there: it's these kinds.
Thank you so much for my flowers! Those are what I thought they were. I did stop and browse the flowers at the store yesterday, but didn't find any that were calling to me, so what a lovely treat when I logged in!
I woke up with all good intentions of blogging for awhile this morning, but I'm sitting here and my brain is all over the place. I can't seem to focus at all. I suppose I want to say "I had such a good day yesterday, after all" but I'm afraid to drag you onto the J&A Rollercoaster with me. Seems every day is either up, up, up, or way, way down with us. I am trying so hard to put myself into his head and imagine what it feels like to have had this whole thing happen to him. How his self-esteem and self-worth and confidence...how all of it is probably shattered. How, if this were me, I'd be curled up in the fetal position at the bottom of a bottle of Merlot, for sure. (Jesus, my baseline self-confidence is going through the McDonald's drive-through drunk on a Friday night and thinking the state should come take my kids away.) So I try to think how hard it must be to just do every day things, especially to go to work and pretend this is all ok. I'm trying not to be selfish; it's a battle every day.
But yesterday, when I was at JJ's tryouts, he texted me (extremely unusual) to ask how they were going. I texted back and asked him how the interviews were going, and he actually answered me. B, this is totally not normal for us, chit-chatting during the day. It's one of my biggest issues with him; and there he was, initiating a mid-afternoon conversation. By the time we met up at the science fair, I was about 98% less angry, simply because of that. Although JJ didn't win or place, he had a good time participating and we were so proud of him for following through with it. When we got home we ran some errands together then picked up Chinese for the family on the way home. M invited S over and the five of us sat around the dinner table talking and laughing....my own little version of the perfect family. Afterwards, M & S did the dishes and I curled up with J on the couch and endured the rest of the Nascar race (which, normally, I would never do - I'd go blog or read or clean lint out of my toenails). I dozed on and off and we talked on and off, then finally went to bed at 9:30...as if nothing had ever been wrong with us in the first place.
This morning I was bold enough to tell him that it was nice to feel needed, that that's the one thing I really miss. I miss being necessary. He responded nicely and that began our day. He's off washing his car and I'm here with my coffee (f***ed up the formula again, so it's not very good) and my iPod playing quietly so as not to wake the teenagers who probably went to bed about the time I got up. If they're not smoking pot, I don't know what's going on, because in the garbage this morning, I found an empty box of 24 Donettes, two empty bags of chocolate chip cookies, about four empty energy drink cans and various other wrappings of junk. There are only two of them, for Pete's sake.
Today I'll finish cleaning the kitchen from my party (a sinkful of wine glasses - whose idea was it not to use plastic??) and then we're off to Bellevue for dinner with D&M. I'm thinking maybe we'll leave a little early and hit Nordstrom on the way in, to return some jeans I bought the other day. I'm actually now looking forward to dinner, and the drive up, and the evening together.
And...we talked about summer vacation - I told him you wanted to come in August and he was excited about that. So, let's pick a week and start giving ourselves something solid to look forward to!
Honestly, I'm so scattered. I can't even think to write intelligently. Oh, yeah. K wasn't mad at me at all. (Really?) Neither was S. (You think?) I'm a freakin' basket case poster child for MTMD.
One last thing before I go...I got my "business" cards yesterday and I was so excited I couldn't get the box open fast enough. But I'm so disappointed!!! For one thing, the print is tiny...you can barely read it. It didn't look that small on line! And even though I paid extra to get all the colors right, the finish is a matte finish, which I guess means something different to them than it does to me. I thought it would be like a matte photograph; it's not. It's like construction paper. They look like the cheapest homemade business cards I've ever seen, and they cost me $25!!!! So I'm not sure if I'm going to call them in the morning and see if there is some return policy, or if I can get them fixed. I'll have to decide if it's worth the argument, even though it's really not their fault.
And that's my Sunday so far. I'm going to go catch up on all my friend's blogs now, hoping to glean (or, as S says, "gleam") some inspiration.
Hope you have a great day too,
Love, A
First of all, because I'm mortified that I didn't know kind/kinds in my last post, let's just get this out there: it's these kinds.
Thank you so much for my flowers! Those are what I thought they were. I did stop and browse the flowers at the store yesterday, but didn't find any that were calling to me, so what a lovely treat when I logged in!
I woke up with all good intentions of blogging for awhile this morning, but I'm sitting here and my brain is all over the place. I can't seem to focus at all. I suppose I want to say "I had such a good day yesterday, after all" but I'm afraid to drag you onto the J&A Rollercoaster with me. Seems every day is either up, up, up, or way, way down with us. I am trying so hard to put myself into his head and imagine what it feels like to have had this whole thing happen to him. How his self-esteem and self-worth and confidence...how all of it is probably shattered. How, if this were me, I'd be curled up in the fetal position at the bottom of a bottle of Merlot, for sure. (Jesus, my baseline self-confidence is going through the McDonald's drive-through drunk on a Friday night and thinking the state should come take my kids away.) So I try to think how hard it must be to just do every day things, especially to go to work and pretend this is all ok. I'm trying not to be selfish; it's a battle every day.
But yesterday, when I was at JJ's tryouts, he texted me (extremely unusual) to ask how they were going. I texted back and asked him how the interviews were going, and he actually answered me. B, this is totally not normal for us, chit-chatting during the day. It's one of my biggest issues with him; and there he was, initiating a mid-afternoon conversation. By the time we met up at the science fair, I was about 98% less angry, simply because of that. Although JJ didn't win or place, he had a good time participating and we were so proud of him for following through with it. When we got home we ran some errands together then picked up Chinese for the family on the way home. M invited S over and the five of us sat around the dinner table talking and laughing....my own little version of the perfect family. Afterwards, M & S did the dishes and I curled up with J on the couch and endured the rest of the Nascar race (which, normally, I would never do - I'd go blog or read or clean lint out of my toenails). I dozed on and off and we talked on and off, then finally went to bed at 9:30...as if nothing had ever been wrong with us in the first place.
This morning I was bold enough to tell him that it was nice to feel needed, that that's the one thing I really miss. I miss being necessary. He responded nicely and that began our day. He's off washing his car and I'm here with my coffee (f***ed up the formula again, so it's not very good) and my iPod playing quietly so as not to wake the teenagers who probably went to bed about the time I got up. If they're not smoking pot, I don't know what's going on, because in the garbage this morning, I found an empty box of 24 Donettes, two empty bags of chocolate chip cookies, about four empty energy drink cans and various other wrappings of junk. There are only two of them, for Pete's sake.
Today I'll finish cleaning the kitchen from my party (a sinkful of wine glasses - whose idea was it not to use plastic??) and then we're off to Bellevue for dinner with D&M. I'm thinking maybe we'll leave a little early and hit Nordstrom on the way in, to return some jeans I bought the other day. I'm actually now looking forward to dinner, and the drive up, and the evening together.
And...we talked about summer vacation - I told him you wanted to come in August and he was excited about that. So, let's pick a week and start giving ourselves something solid to look forward to!
Honestly, I'm so scattered. I can't even think to write intelligently. Oh, yeah. K wasn't mad at me at all. (Really?) Neither was S. (You think?) I'm a freakin' basket case poster child for MTMD.
One last thing before I go...I got my "business" cards yesterday and I was so excited I couldn't get the box open fast enough. But I'm so disappointed!!! For one thing, the print is tiny...you can barely read it. It didn't look that small on line! And even though I paid extra to get all the colors right, the finish is a matte finish, which I guess means something different to them than it does to me. I thought it would be like a matte photograph; it's not. It's like construction paper. They look like the cheapest homemade business cards I've ever seen, and they cost me $25!!!! So I'm not sure if I'm going to call them in the morning and see if there is some return policy, or if I can get them fixed. I'll have to decide if it's worth the argument, even though it's really not their fault.
And that's my Sunday so far. I'm going to go catch up on all my friend's blogs now, hoping to glean (or, as S says, "gleam") some inspiration.
Hope you have a great day too,
Love, A
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Just For You
Hi, Amanda,
It was great catching up with you while you were at JJ's try outs. Just in case you didn't stop for daffodils on your way home, these alstromeria are for you...
xo,
Barb
Moving Forward
Hey, A.
Ugh. I'm sorry you feel so bad today but I'm glad you had fun at your party and earned some free jewelry last night. As if you're not miserable enough, the what did I dos hit and make you relive it all again in your hungover head. Awful. Maybe the fresh air at the tryouts will help.
I went to bed fairly early last night and was up by 8 trying to plan my day and figure out a way not to be upset that I'm not seeing W. Rather than hit the Bloody Marys while planning my grocery shopping list, I'm proud to say I started exercising again. Or started an exercise plan. I do exercise on occasion, on rare occasion these days since my heel spurs started screwing me up, and it's just not enough. Any effort I make to cut back just isn't enough without moving. So...
I have a few DVDs called Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone that I used to do religiously. In fact, (sadly?) the last time I was really into it was around the time I met W. I think I even did a Leslie walk the morning before I went to Boston for the day with M and met W at lunch. Anyway. It's nice today and will be tomorrow so at first I thought I might go out for a walk...but as soon as we have snow again, or rain, or bitter cold, I won't go. I figured if I started with my DVDs, I could never have that excuse. Even the one mile, 15 minute DVD makes me sweat. In every workout she includes resistance bands to do some arm work, too, and they go by quickly. There's no reason I can't find 15 minutes most days to exercise before I pour that glass of wine and/or get comfy on the couch. It's really only after I'm sitting for a while that my feet bother me. I may as well go from shoes to sneakers after work before getting in my fuzzy socks. I'll let you know how long this lasts.
Now I guess I should get in the shower, or some respectable sweats and run my errands. I have to go to the pharmacy and do my grocery shopping, pick up some daffodils for myself and try not to be passive aggressive with W when we talk.
Hope you feel better soon.
Love,
Barb
Ugh. I'm sorry you feel so bad today but I'm glad you had fun at your party and earned some free jewelry last night. As if you're not miserable enough, the what did I dos hit and make you relive it all again in your hungover head. Awful. Maybe the fresh air at the tryouts will help.
I went to bed fairly early last night and was up by 8 trying to plan my day and figure out a way not to be upset that I'm not seeing W. Rather than hit the Bloody Marys while planning my grocery shopping list, I'm proud to say I started exercising again. Or started an exercise plan. I do exercise on occasion, on rare occasion these days since my heel spurs started screwing me up, and it's just not enough. Any effort I make to cut back just isn't enough without moving. So...
I have a few DVDs called Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone that I used to do religiously. In fact, (sadly?) the last time I was really into it was around the time I met W. I think I even did a Leslie walk the morning before I went to Boston for the day with M and met W at lunch. Anyway. It's nice today and will be tomorrow so at first I thought I might go out for a walk...but as soon as we have snow again, or rain, or bitter cold, I won't go. I figured if I started with my DVDs, I could never have that excuse. Even the one mile, 15 minute DVD makes me sweat. In every workout she includes resistance bands to do some arm work, too, and they go by quickly. There's no reason I can't find 15 minutes most days to exercise before I pour that glass of wine and/or get comfy on the couch. It's really only after I'm sitting for a while that my feet bother me. I may as well go from shoes to sneakers after work before getting in my fuzzy socks. I'll let you know how long this lasts.
Now I guess I should get in the shower, or some respectable sweats and run my errands. I have to go to the pharmacy and do my grocery shopping, pick up some daffodils for myself and try not to be passive aggressive with W when we talk.
Hope you feel better soon.
Love,
Barb
Hangin' Big Time
O. M. G. I am hungover. Argh....
Good (?) morning, B.
Thought I'd say hello in case I'm not capable later on in the day. God, did I drink last night. Started with some limoncello martini thing, went to vodka w/white grape juice, ended with a variety of red wines. Ate....nothing. Unless the double cheeseburger and half-wheel of baked brie at 11:30 counts, which really doesn't, because I was already way trashed at that point.
My evening started out wrong...between J and me...so I was headed for disaster from the get-go. There were so many people here - far more than I had expected - and I had a hard time mingling with the different groups while trying not to drink too much. I seriously think I have a drinking problem, B. By 11:00 when M got off work, my (new from PTA) friends, S and C, drove me down there (S was sober, C was as bad off as I was). We went through the McD's drive-through after M got in the car, and were ordering crap food at the top of our lungs, probably embarrassing the s**t out of M. Then we went to drop of C at her house and ended up sitting in her driveway eating and laughing for I don't know how long - half hour maybe? Poor M.
Early in the night, I feel like I pissed off K and S both. I didn't talk to either of them much at all. K came late and left early and S spent her time with M, the jewelry rep, who is an old friend of hers. I ranted about J more than I should have, maybe that had something to do with it, I don't know. M and S left at 11, right before I went to get M, and I hardly said goodbye...I was so busy swillin' with my new BFFs.
Yuk. I hate those kind(s?) of evenings and I hate these kind(s?) of days. (Did I really teach English? I could look it up, but I don't think I can read right now.) You know? I mean, I had a great time (obviously) and it was nice not to have to deal with or think about J for a few hours, but I know getting sh***y isn't going to help with any of that. It only makes it worse; he hates when I drink. This morning he was up and out of here at 7:45 to go to work (yes, on Saturday) and I have to get ready now to take JJ to his baseball tryouts. I can barely move my head for the pounding; the absolute last thing I want to do right now is stand out in the freezing cold rain and fog on some baseball field for two and a half hours while my kid tries out for the majors.
Doesn't that make me a crappy mom? Shouldn't I be excited for him? Shouldn't I have been sober enough to go get my own kid last night, instead of behaving like a drunk teenager? I know, it was only one night. I know, I don't act like that all the time. So why do I feel so rotten today? Like a bad mom, a bad friend, a bad wife...oh, I hate this self-loathing thing that comes from my drinking, B.
I'll stop now. I had to get it out, I had to say, out loud, I SUCK! and then move on with my day. I can't get pulled down into this pity pit, making assumptions about who was pissed off at me, and whose feelings I may have hurt, and so on. It is moments like this that make me want to go to a meeting. Yuk, yuk, yuk.
Ok, gotta run. Gotta restart, go back to being responsible and organized, as nice as it was to not be for awhile. The payoff sucks, though.
Love, A
P.S. I "earned" $400 in free jewelry last night. Which doesn't suck.
Good (?) morning, B.
Thought I'd say hello in case I'm not capable later on in the day. God, did I drink last night. Started with some limoncello martini thing, went to vodka w/white grape juice, ended with a variety of red wines. Ate....nothing. Unless the double cheeseburger and half-wheel of baked brie at 11:30 counts, which really doesn't, because I was already way trashed at that point.
My evening started out wrong...between J and me...so I was headed for disaster from the get-go. There were so many people here - far more than I had expected - and I had a hard time mingling with the different groups while trying not to drink too much. I seriously think I have a drinking problem, B. By 11:00 when M got off work, my (new from PTA) friends, S and C, drove me down there (S was sober, C was as bad off as I was). We went through the McD's drive-through after M got in the car, and were ordering crap food at the top of our lungs, probably embarrassing the s**t out of M. Then we went to drop of C at her house and ended up sitting in her driveway eating and laughing for I don't know how long - half hour maybe? Poor M.
Early in the night, I feel like I pissed off K and S both. I didn't talk to either of them much at all. K came late and left early and S spent her time with M, the jewelry rep, who is an old friend of hers. I ranted about J more than I should have, maybe that had something to do with it, I don't know. M and S left at 11, right before I went to get M, and I hardly said goodbye...I was so busy swillin' with my new BFFs.
Yuk. I hate those kind(s?) of evenings and I hate these kind(s?) of days. (Did I really teach English? I could look it up, but I don't think I can read right now.) You know? I mean, I had a great time (obviously) and it was nice not to have to deal with or think about J for a few hours, but I know getting sh***y isn't going to help with any of that. It only makes it worse; he hates when I drink. This morning he was up and out of here at 7:45 to go to work (yes, on Saturday) and I have to get ready now to take JJ to his baseball tryouts. I can barely move my head for the pounding; the absolute last thing I want to do right now is stand out in the freezing cold rain and fog on some baseball field for two and a half hours while my kid tries out for the majors.
Doesn't that make me a crappy mom? Shouldn't I be excited for him? Shouldn't I have been sober enough to go get my own kid last night, instead of behaving like a drunk teenager? I know, it was only one night. I know, I don't act like that all the time. So why do I feel so rotten today? Like a bad mom, a bad friend, a bad wife...oh, I hate this self-loathing thing that comes from my drinking, B.
I'll stop now. I had to get it out, I had to say, out loud, I SUCK! and then move on with my day. I can't get pulled down into this pity pit, making assumptions about who was pissed off at me, and whose feelings I may have hurt, and so on. It is moments like this that make me want to go to a meeting. Yuk, yuk, yuk.
Ok, gotta run. Gotta restart, go back to being responsible and organized, as nice as it was to not be for awhile. The payoff sucks, though.
Love, A
P.S. I "earned" $400 in free jewelry last night. Which doesn't suck.
Friday, February 6, 2009
PS
I found the ring you had given me years ago that I had lost, which I love, and am sure came from a street vendor or TJMaxx.
[sigh of relief]
xo
Barb
[sigh of relief]
xo
Barb
Clearly You Don't Understand
Dear Ms. McSnobster,
Let me help you here; let me explain.
I'm above all that. My party is a real girl's night out and we're spending our own money on fine jewelry. (Did you really say "their husband's money"? Because we try really hard to use "our" and "we" when we don't actually get a paycheck for all the hard work we do, day in and day out, unappreciated and unrewarded.)
I'm surrounded by high-powered career women who don't have time to shop Tiffany (singular) (since it's a flippin' hour from here in Podunk) and who don't mind spending a buck or two on mid-range sterling, as long as the booze is free. And I'm making butternut risotto cakes (at 8:00 in the GD morning) - it's not like I made a jello mold with canned fruit trapped inside. I'm even using real china and wine glasses, vs. plastic and paper. Well, that's because R went "real" last night and I suddenly felt one-upped, so I might ditch the $6 Target paper plates (even though they're pretty, or at least I thought they were before last night). (Not to mention, she served better wine; let's not even go there.)
Honestly, B, I'm doing my friends and neighbors a favor. This is a service I provide as an SHM, like periodic daycare for late parents on random school days. They can count on me to take them back to their childhoods, a time when finding the perfect plastic receptacle for leftover pork roast was of highest priority for most gals. When else would they get together and drink, without some major business deal on the table, or someone's obnoxious boss ruining a good $150 dinner? This is a retreat, B. An oasis, in a sea of equality-based madness.
And for those other stay-home moms who will attend, this is an opportunity to wear high heels and drink too much with a perfectly legitimate excuse. Like New Year's Eve, or a 40th birthday party, this is an e-ticket to girldom. A few hours to not be a mom, a wife, a PTA volunteer, a soccer coach.
Don't you see? They want me to host that party, they need me to host that party.
I get the whole home-party rip-off thing. You think I don't know this is a modern day version of Tupperware? You think I don't know I've become my mother? What, you think I'm stupit???
Fondly,
Ms. Suburban Housewife Who's Hosting a Retail Party Disguised as a Girl's Night Out, and Proud of It.
P.S.
Good thing I didn't send you the animated E-vite. Can't imagine you'd have survived that.
love you ;-)
Let me help you here; let me explain.
I'm above all that. My party is a real girl's night out and we're spending our own money on fine jewelry. (Did you really say "their husband's money"? Because we try really hard to use "our" and "we" when we don't actually get a paycheck for all the hard work we do, day in and day out, unappreciated and unrewarded.)
I'm surrounded by high-powered career women who don't have time to shop Tiffany (singular) (since it's a flippin' hour from here in Podunk) and who don't mind spending a buck or two on mid-range sterling, as long as the booze is free. And I'm making butternut risotto cakes (at 8:00 in the GD morning) - it's not like I made a jello mold with canned fruit trapped inside. I'm even using real china and wine glasses, vs. plastic and paper. Well, that's because R went "real" last night and I suddenly felt one-upped, so I might ditch the $6 Target paper plates (even though they're pretty, or at least I thought they were before last night). (Not to mention, she served better wine; let's not even go there.)
Honestly, B, I'm doing my friends and neighbors a favor. This is a service I provide as an SHM, like periodic daycare for late parents on random school days. They can count on me to take them back to their childhoods, a time when finding the perfect plastic receptacle for leftover pork roast was of highest priority for most gals. When else would they get together and drink, without some major business deal on the table, or someone's obnoxious boss ruining a good $150 dinner? This is a retreat, B. An oasis, in a sea of equality-based madness.
And for those other stay-home moms who will attend, this is an opportunity to wear high heels and drink too much with a perfectly legitimate excuse. Like New Year's Eve, or a 40th birthday party, this is an e-ticket to girldom. A few hours to not be a mom, a wife, a PTA volunteer, a soccer coach.
Don't you see? They want me to host that party, they need me to host that party.
I get the whole home-party rip-off thing. You think I don't know this is a modern day version of Tupperware? You think I don't know I've become my mother? What, you think I'm stupit???
Fondly,
Ms. Suburban Housewife Who's Hosting a Retail Party Disguised as a Girl's Night Out, and Proud of It.
P.S.
Good thing I didn't send you the animated E-vite. Can't imagine you'd have survived that.
love you ;-)
Meow
Oh, no!!!! Tell me you're not one of those women, who sits around with other women, away from their kids and husbands, having a girls' night disguised as a retail party of some sort, spending way too much of their husbands' money on overpriced sh*t. Silpada? My god, Amanda. What have you become? I can get three rings at TJMaxx for the price of one of theirs. You're getting robbed. You're paying the hostess's salary, and her area manager's salary and on and on. I'd rather spend the same amount on a much nicer piece at Tiffany. Oh well. To each his own. I eschew the retail house party thing--Pampered Chef (um, yeah, I've had a Zyliss cheese grater since the 80s), candles, jewelry. I'm not willing to pay for the convenience of shopping in my own home. Maybe part of it is that I don't have a husband and kids.
God I can be a b*tch.
I'm flying solo again this weekend and have no plans--other than to sleep in tomorrow. I'll see what I feel like at the end of the day, and I'll keep you posted.
Good luck getting ready for your party. I do hope you have fun, despite my Snobby McSnobster rant.
Love you!
Barb
God I can be a b*tch.
I'm flying solo again this weekend and have no plans--other than to sleep in tomorrow. I'll see what I feel like at the end of the day, and I'll keep you posted.
Good luck getting ready for your party. I do hope you have fun, despite my Snobby McSnobster rant.
Love you!
Barb
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Zonked
Hi, B.
I'm sorry for not responding today - I just got home from having left the house at noon. I'm exhausted and not at all looking forward to my party tomorrow night; there's still so much to do. We have two out sick for Friday Treats tomorrow too, so I have to go in early. I was really counting on only being there my standard two hours, but I hate to leave them hanging. I'm sure first thing in the morning when I'm rushing down to school, latte in hand, wearing my new Cookie Lee earrings, (I hate CL, but I had to buy something) I'll start to get jazzed for our girl's night out, but right now, I'd give anything to call everyone and cancel. (Speaking of which, I bet I never mentioned that I'm having a Silpada cocktail party tomorrow night; I'm expecting about 20 people for drinks and apps and jewelry, even though my friend R did the CL thing tonight.)
I still have the vacuuming and dusting (because I have to dust three times a week, pretty much) and the bathroom to clean, and those stupid freakin' risotto cakes that I'm about ready to give up on. I did get my hummus (your hummus) made tonight though, so that's one little, tiny thing out of the way. We (Shawn and I) are serving hummus with pita, an olive/cheese salad she makes, risotto cakes, baked brie w/crackers and Kim's bringing a huge fruit plate. K's making little valentine's cookies for dessert, because she's all artsy like that. Just putting out the red and white versions of my cheap-ass Walmart wine and some Pellegrino, although I was treated to a wonderful new wine tonight that I can't wait to get hold of and share with the girls. Don't have time to go to TJ's tomorrow, though, and that's the only place to get it.
I could sit and write but my heart's not in it, other than to say I'm sorry you and W are going through this rough patch. Believe me, I really do know how you feel. And it sucks. For both of you.
I doubt I will get here tomorrow but I will catch up Saturday for sure. We're booked straight through Saturday from 8:30 to 3:00 running from baseball tryouts to the science fair to baseball camp. Maybe I'll breathe Saturday evening...
Hope you have a great Friday. I am insanely jealous of your night out to dinner, by the way.
Love,
A
I'm sorry for not responding today - I just got home from having left the house at noon. I'm exhausted and not at all looking forward to my party tomorrow night; there's still so much to do. We have two out sick for Friday Treats tomorrow too, so I have to go in early. I was really counting on only being there my standard two hours, but I hate to leave them hanging. I'm sure first thing in the morning when I'm rushing down to school, latte in hand, wearing my new Cookie Lee earrings, (I hate CL, but I had to buy something) I'll start to get jazzed for our girl's night out, but right now, I'd give anything to call everyone and cancel. (Speaking of which, I bet I never mentioned that I'm having a Silpada cocktail party tomorrow night; I'm expecting about 20 people for drinks and apps and jewelry, even though my friend R did the CL thing tonight.)
I still have the vacuuming and dusting (because I have to dust three times a week, pretty much) and the bathroom to clean, and those stupid freakin' risotto cakes that I'm about ready to give up on. I did get my hummus (your hummus) made tonight though, so that's one little, tiny thing out of the way. We (Shawn and I) are serving hummus with pita, an olive/cheese salad she makes, risotto cakes, baked brie w/crackers and Kim's bringing a huge fruit plate. K's making little valentine's cookies for dessert, because she's all artsy like that. Just putting out the red and white versions of my cheap-ass Walmart wine and some Pellegrino, although I was treated to a wonderful new wine tonight that I can't wait to get hold of and share with the girls. Don't have time to go to TJ's tomorrow, though, and that's the only place to get it.
I could sit and write but my heart's not in it, other than to say I'm sorry you and W are going through this rough patch. Believe me, I really do know how you feel. And it sucks. For both of you.
I doubt I will get here tomorrow but I will catch up Saturday for sure. We're booked straight through Saturday from 8:30 to 3:00 running from baseball tryouts to the science fair to baseball camp. Maybe I'll breathe Saturday evening...
Hope you have a great Friday. I am insanely jealous of your night out to dinner, by the way.
Love,
A
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