Hangin' Big Time

O. M. G. I am hungover. Argh....

Good (?) morning, B.

Thought I'd say hello in case I'm not capable later on in the day. God, did I drink last night. Started with some limoncello martini thing, went to vodka w/white grape juice, ended with a variety of red wines. Ate....nothing. Unless the double cheeseburger and half-wheel of baked brie at 11:30 counts, which really doesn't, because I was already way trashed at that point.

My evening started out wrong...between J and me...so I was headed for disaster from the get-go. There were so many people here - far more than I had expected - and I had a hard time mingling with the different groups while trying not to drink too much. I seriously think I have a drinking problem, B. By 11:00 when M got off work, my (new from PTA) friends, S and C, drove me down there (S was sober, C was as bad off as I was). We went through the McD's drive-through after M got in the car, and were ordering crap food at the top of our lungs, probably embarrassing the s**t out of M. Then we went to drop of C at her house and ended up sitting in her driveway eating and laughing for I don't know how long - half hour maybe? Poor M.

Early in the night, I feel like I pissed off K and S both. I didn't talk to either of them much at all. K came late and left early and S spent her time with M, the jewelry rep, who is an old friend of hers. I ranted about J more than I should have, maybe that had something to do with it, I don't know. M and S left at 11, right before I went to get M, and I hardly said goodbye...I was so busy swillin' with my new BFFs.

Yuk. I hate those kind(s?) of evenings and I hate these kind(s?) of days. (Did I really teach English? I could look it up, but I don't think I can read right now.) You know? I mean, I had a great time (obviously) and it was nice not to have to deal with or think about J for a few hours, but I know getting sh***y isn't going to help with any of that. It only makes it worse; he hates when I drink. This morning he was up and out of here at 7:45 to go to work (yes, on Saturday) and I have to get ready now to take JJ to his baseball tryouts. I can barely move my head for the pounding; the absolute last thing I want to do right now is stand out in the freezing cold rain and fog on some baseball field for two and a half hours while my kid tries out for the majors.

Doesn't that make me a crappy mom? Shouldn't I be excited for him? Shouldn't I have been sober enough to go get my own kid last night, instead of behaving like a drunk teenager? I know, it was only one night. I know, I don't act like that all the time. So why do I feel so rotten today? Like a bad mom, a bad friend, a bad wife...oh, I hate this self-loathing thing that comes from my drinking, B.

I'll stop now. I had to get it out, I had to say, out loud, I SUCK! and then move on with my day. I can't get pulled down into this pity pit, making assumptions about who was pissed off at me, and whose feelings I may have hurt, and so on. It is moments like this that make me want to go to a meeting. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Ok, gotta run. Gotta restart, go back to being responsible and organized, as nice as it was to not be for awhile. The payoff sucks, though.

Love, A

P.S. I "earned" $400 in free jewelry last night. Which doesn't suck.