My Ray of Sunshine

Woops! I logged on this morning, hoping to read an early post from you and was quite disappointed to find that it actually wasn't your "turn" - that I thought I had written but never did. My day progressed slowly and without much purpose, and I didn't feel like blogging until now, which leaves me with little time before I pick up JJ in half an hour. Not much to say anyway... (such a lie, as I see now that I am done)

Had a great time at dinner last night; we had excellent food and service, a nice, chatty drive up and a good, long visit with D&M. We realized that it's been more than two years since we've seen each other so there was much to catch up on. I slept most of the way home, then curled up to J for a restful night's sleep. The thing is, I woke up this morning, groggy. Aimless and listless and totally unmotivated to accomplish anything more than laundry and a few overdue phone calls. Granted, the machine's been going since 8:00 this morning and I still have three loads to go, so it's not like nothing got done. I just spent a lot of time dinking around on the internet, shopping with no money, for stuff I don't need. Played a few hands of solitaire and opened my blogs several times, hoping to be suddenly inspired.

And here it is, 4:30. Time to pick up the kid and get dinner started. And fold more laundry, and gear up to "talk to" M this evening when J gets home. He had a little meltdown yesterday - the first significant flare up since the homeless incident - and we (J and I) were both really angry. He just popped off on me out of the blue (and I'm not kidding) to the point where he was dropping f bombs in front of his buddy, S, and S was trying to get him to leave. I have no idea what happened; the three of us (M, S, and I) were at the kitchen bar, they were eating lunch and I was just standing there chatting with them. M was invited to compete in some math contest at school so I was asking him about it. I realized that it could take him to the Math Olympiad in DC, and I got all excited about that.

Well, evidently, that's f***in stupid, and he has no intention of going to a national math contest, because that's just retarded. Like, what, I want to be a math teacher? All that came flooding out of his mouth in this completely unprecedented explosion. As soon as I could catch my breath, I just looked at him and asked 'What. Is. Your. Problem? Oh my God, what just happened there?" And he told me that two weeks ago I completely dissed his dreams and ambitions of what he really wants to do with his life, and I just keep dissing him over and over. He's not like me, he doesn't want to be academic. He doesn't want to go to college. I'm not supportive. I tell JJ he can join the NFL but I tell M he has to get an education and ditch the whole professional BMX racer dream.

Well here's the thing, B. JJ actually plays football. He's also only 11; right now I'm not seeing signs that he's going to abandon his education and start smoking pot, so I don't have much of a reason not to support him. M, on the other hand, doesn't even own a bike. It was stolen last year, and so far, he has done nothing - and I mean nothing - to save up for a new one. (Not to mention we gave him cash for Christmas to go toward the new bike and he spent it on something else.) So, I'm not sure what it is I'm not supporting; what exactly is it that I'm not doing that's preventing him from becoming the next Tony Hawk or whomever? (Yeah, I know he's a skateboarder, but I don't know any bikers.) How is it that I'm shattering this dream?

Maybe he's just forgotten what support looks like. Maybe all the flying lessons and trips to my dad's, the effort to help him get into Aviation High School, all the equipment and gear we bought and all the constant praise for being so dedicated to something he loved soooooo much...maybe he just doesn't remember all that. Today, he has no interest in going anywhere near an airport and I don't push it. I let him transfer out of that school, even though it was an excellent school and a phenomenal opportunity. I don't bug him about what ever happened to your dream of flying? All I freakin' said was that I think he ought to pull his grades up to Cs and start thinking about the future a little bit, and that a chance to go to the Math Olympiad was pretty cool.

Not.

Duh.

Anyway, he pouted all day and then he's up there pouting in his room now; I have to go, but maybe I'll finish later; I could have been done, but my little plane has been circling the airport for so long they've closed my runway.

Love,
A