Same Old Same Old

Good morning and welcome back, B.

I didn't expect you to be home this early, so I was planning to have my post waiting for you when you returned. What a nice surprise to log in and find you already here. Sounds like, weather aside, you had a wonderful getaway. I so remember that awful cold and wind that makes being outside impossible. How is W doing morale-wise? Any job news lately? It was probably good for him to just let go for a few days and have fun. You're such a good girlfriend!

I've been sitting here at the computer now for three cups of coffee and haven't written a thing. I read all my emails, sent a few, read everyone else's blogs, checked out what movies are playing in town today and stared into space for a good bit of that time, wondering what I should do with my day. You mentioned that you hoped my not writing meant that I was doing ok, and I suppose 'ok' is becoming a very relative term these days. I actually didn't write because I wasn't home much at all, and then, when I was, either the environment wasn't right for writing or I had to catch up on the stuff I didn't do when I wasn't home.

So Thursday...that was JJ's birthday. JT came over early in the morning and put together the Birthday Present of the Century. Then I had to go out and pick up some other parts for it that I didn't know about (this thing cost a f***ing fortune, by the time all was said and done). I was out for most of the morning, stopped by school and dropped off birthday treats for JJ's class, then got home in time for JT to come back and finish the drum set. At 4:00 I left the house, embarking on the 4-hour sports extravaganza - sucking down Subway somewhere in all of it. Fortunately, baseball practice did not require my attention (I'm not the mom who stands out there with all the dads and pretends to know what's going on) and I was able to finish Then She Found Me in the warmth of my car.

We got home at 8:00 and JJ was dying to open his presents. Of course, there wasn't much, and it was all drum accessories, and he couldn't figure out why he was getting all that since he didn't even have drums. So we told him that his real gift was drum lessons. That wasn't all that exciting, either, but he was very gracious with thank yous and headed upstairs to shower. M hid in his room with the camera poised and J and I ran up there before him. Barb, it was a really, really cool moment. He had an armful of stuff and when he opened the door he just dropped everything. His jaw fell and his eyes popped out of his head; he was genuinely surprised and totally in love. He turned to me and gave me the biggest, warmest hug, saying thank you thank you thank you! and could barely even manage to sit down on the stool and touch it.

I cried, of course. And M says the best picture is of JJ and I hugging, with the AC/DC poster behind us. I love giving the right gift. And this definitely was the right one; he's completely enamoured of it. He banged around a bit, then he let M play (who's really pretty good) and for a moment...a little, tiny, isolated moment...all was right here. My boys interacting, playing music, doing something productive and legal, noise and laughter in the house...it was nice.

It didn't last; how could it? They'd take my show off the air if it stayed normal for any length of time. Suddenly there was a plumbing problem we had to fix (same shower) and then J got mad at JJ for leaving spit in his sink and his bathroom being a mess, and when I tried to get him to simply say "good night, love you" to his son on his birthday, instead of reaming him for something completely stupid and insignificant, he laid into me. (I just looked that up and cannot find the proper use of "laid" in that context). In the middle of his mini-rant, he poked me in the shoulder for effect, I guess. I didn't give this any thought, I was just irritated that he's so impossible. But something in his tone hit me hard; something condescending and disrespectful...I don't know. What I do know is that Friday, after Friday Treats, I decided to go out by myself that night. I happened to run into B, my neighbor whose daughter, A, stays with me in the mornings. She was in need of a babysitter for A that night and voila! There was my answer. As a result of my offering, she and I sat down in her living room and drank most of a bottle of Menage a Trois (at 3:00, mind you) until the kids were all home and A and I had decided to go to dinner and a movie with her friend (the other A).

And in the end, my Friday night was spectacular. I took my two little 9 year old neighbor girls to Godfathers for pizza, then we went and saw Paul Blart, Mall Cop (stupidest movie ever but they loved it). We dropped off AD, then AM and I went back to her house. She practiced her piano for me, while I sat on the couch and started a new book (The Pilot's Wife). Then she read to me from her book, The Sisters Grimm. After brushing her teeth, she introduced me to each of her Webkins personally, including a little background of their lives, I tucked her in and said goodnight. I went back downstairs, poured the last of the bottle of wine into a pretty etched glass, curled up on the couch with a blanket and read for an hour and a half in complete and total perfect silence. It was, I have to say, a dream evening.

I had no idea where J was; JJ was spending the night at B's and M was home, checking in with me here and there. I found out that J was over at T&S', drinking with everyone, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit sad that I was missing the BLU moment. I had no desire at all to be with them, mostly to be with him. I didn't feel any need to explain myself or make excuses. I wanted to be alone more than anything.

Saturday morning I got up early to run some errands and drop M off at work. I just dinked around town, Target, FM, the candle store, Starbucks, Walmart....liquor store, grocery store....somewhere in there, S called and told me that everyone had decided to do dinner together; T was going to try his hand at etouffe (which, btw, was a-ma-zing). So I planned out my contribution ( black bean and corn salad with chipotle dressing (yum) and these killer chocolate chip cookies I just discovered how to make). Around 3, I finally went home. I found J in the yard, raking, and he was eager to apologize for his behavior. Here's the funny thing; he had shared the incident with our friends and evidently had a new a*** ripped for the poking my shoulder thing. I guess T and R just railed on him about the physical nature of the gesture, which is weird, because I really didn't take it that way. It was so much more mental and emotional for me; I was just so done with his crap. I told him as much - I just said I couldn't spend time with him because I didn't like the way I feel when I'm with him.

He tried ( a little) to make it up to me, but I wasn't very receptive. When it was time to go to S's for dinner, I made myself the best drink ever (had it in a restaurant last week and the bartender gave me the recipe: Pomegranate Manhattan) and sucked it right down. I immediately made one for K when I got there, and before I knew it, we were three or four into it and hadn't eaten anything yet. She's on this ridiculous diet that allows her to only drink once a week so last night was her drinkin' night - and boy, it was mine too. Pretty soon she and I were both sloshed and I made some comment to her about letting J know I was drinking (he was standing right there) - that I know he hates when I drink, so head's up, baby, I'm drinking...I was just being a beotch and didn't care. Suddenly, S and I were dancing around the kitchen, everyone's all having a great time and I shimmy up to my husband to dance with him too...thinking this is the best olive branch I can give you right now...and he totally disses me. He pats my hips and scoots me out of his way back to the table. Maybe I deserved that, maybe I'm expecting him to be a little more remorseful or a little bit nicer or just a little bit less of a complete dick than he's able to be.

I went home. I just walked out without saying anything to anyone except S, who kissed me and gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. It was only 9:45; I took an Ambien, on top of the half bottle of Maker's Mark I'd already downed, (because I didn't think I'd be able to sleep???) and passed out.

Now it's Sunday. J and JJ are heading out here pretty soon for baseball practice, don't know what M's up to today. I have the next two discs of Crossing Jordan on Netflix, the rest of my book and then another waiting in the wings...perhaps I'll just snuggle up on the couch and escape for awhile. I could go work out, I could do my hula hoop, I could do laundry....nah.

I hope you're enjoying your day alone, getting rejuvenated for school tomorrow. Sorry to be such a downer - I'm afraid to re-read this for fear of it being completely depressing and melodramatic and boring. Ah, so be it.

Love you!
A