good food, food friends and laughter

Hi, B.

Thanks for continuing to write, and check in by email, even though I haven't been responding. I definitely have my fingers crossed for W - it just sucks out there for everyone. I know something will come his way soon.

Today, actually, was a good day. Yes, J and I are still GWAGA, which I am so grateful for since he left town this afternoon until Friday evening. I don't think I would have done very well had he left and we were on bad terms. We had fun at C's party last night, and then had time to have an early dinner this evening before he left; JJ had already eaten, so I made a yummy shrimp and pancetta fettucine and we were able to have a quiet half-hour together.

This morning I got up and went to the gym - again, two days in a row! We ran home to take quick showers then K and I headed up north to pick up the trophies for JJ's basketball dinner this Sunday. We left there and went to the rich people's Trader Joe's; nothing's really different but the clientele. I spent a ton of money, though, maybe it was psychological. I was feeling like eating healthy. Well, that is until we got home, put everything in the freezer and decided to go have Chinese food for lunch. After lunch we went over to the running store and I officially signed up to do the No Boundaries 5K training, starting March 28th. I paid my fee and everything, so there's no turning back. M or no M, I'm going to do this if it kills me. It felt great to walk out of there, knowing I had committed.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading a little, then went on line to do some research. In answer to your emails today, yes, the book is great and yes, I think M might be using meth. I don't know; I don't know how I'm supposed to know. He shows signs. But he also shows signs of being 16, which are pretty much the same thing. The book is opening my eyes to one important thing: the author repeatedly says that he wishes he hadn't rationalized and downplayed and denied signs, that he had done something earlier, that he had acted on gut feelings. That's how I feel most of the time; I just know, in my heart, that something is really wrong. I can't tell you what it is, I can't tell you where it's going to take him, but something is terribly wrong. That's not even me being the drama queen, it's me being sick to my stomach whenever I think about it too much or even read too much and get more information than I can emotionally handle. (And to answer your question, yes, he's still gone.)

I'm trying so hard not to escape into tv, alcohol, or (my favorite) sleep. I try to get out of the house and stay out as long as I can, in order to avoid my couch. After I got off the computer this afternoon, JJ came home and that's much easier for me. Someone to talk to, some other distraction around. JK came over right after that and the two of them sat around eating snacks and doing their homework, for an hour and a half or so. When J and I finished dinner and he was on the road, I took those two up to the video store and we rented Get Smart. Tomorrow is late start, so we all curled up on the couch and laughed our heads off for a couple of hours, scarfing Dibs and sour gummy worms. Totally hilarious movie, by the way, next time you have the nieces and nephews around. It felt good to laugh, it felt so good to cuddle with my kid(s) and just be normal for awhile.

JJ's in bed now and I'm headed that way. Tomorrow is Day Three of my Get Ready for the 5K Training (kind of like cleaning the house before the maid comes, I guess.) We're going to the gym at 7:00 and home before JJ even wakes up. K is kicking my a** every morning, making me get up and go. I lover her for that!

I (frighteningly) have the whole rest of the day free after that, so maybe I will undertake the daunting task of cleaning M's room. Could be depressing, could be cathartic. Let's hope for the latter. Maybe I'll un-hunch my shoulders and unclench my teeth long enough to call and make a massage appointment before my muscles all permanently move to this ultra-stress position.

More later - glad to hear you had a good day. Sending warmth your way...I had the AC on in the car today, no lie.

Love you,
A

PS. Glad you like A's card. It practically made me cry; I'm such a sap.