I Pick "C"

Dear Barb,

Wow, you know me, don't you? I believe 'C' is the answer I will choose, translated perfectly from my brain to your pen. I'm sorry I haven't taken two minutes out of my nap/daze/vegetative state on the couch/movie/book/doing nothing at all to drop you a note, or even pick up the phone. No, I'm not ok really, but I couldn't tell you exactly what's wrong.

I went to the Doc after you left and told him that I couldn't be on this Prozac any longer; the side effects of insomnia and sweating are just unbearable. So he put me on this wean-off dose for 12 weeks or some ridiculous thing, which, of course, I won't do, because a) I couldn't possibly remember to change all the doses on the right days and pay that much attention and 2) I want OFF of it NOW. Not in 12 weeks. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

So, being the medically trained professional that I am, I decided to just go cold turkey and sweat it out, pardon the pun. I even told him I was going to do it, and he told me to just keep on eye on it and be conscious of the repercussions. I'm conscious of them alright; I am a freakin' mess most of the time. BUT - I'm ok with that. I know what's going on in my body and I'm just riding it out. It's not all that conducive to being social, though, since I'm on a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde thing. I told S last night: one minute I'm totally fine, the next I'm suicidal, the next I'm hyper as all get out, the next I'm napping. It should only last another week or so, which is better than 12 more weeks of sweating and watching obscure tv channels no one knows about at 3 in the morning.

That's my brain, physically speaking. It's in detox, so I am forgiving myself whacky behavior for now, and trying to stay out of everyone's way in the meantime, so as not to subject anyone else to the fray.

Other than that, the weather has changed drastically and I know that's part of the mood swings too. It is dark and foggy and raining and gloomy and wonderful today! Everything is green again and cool enough to wear a sweatshirt (even for me!) I even made spaghetti the other night and we ate indoors! How funny that I craved the outside all summer, but now that the rain's here, I'm delighted. I missed my Washington weather!! Seems everyone is feeling this way, it's like our spirits have all lifted a bit and things aren't moving quite so slowly.

J is hating - and I mean hating - his job and has one of his top guys about ready to quit on him because of the new admin. He's miserable, which isn't jiving too well with my own weirdness, so we're at odds with each other. His options are limited and I don't know how to help...it will pass, I know, but it's difficult right now.

There's my story. I'm sure it's disjointed. That's why I haven't been writing; I feel like I'm pouring out crap that isn't literate or even informational. I'm on a low self-esteem slide right now. HOWEVER, in one of my bursts of clarity and motivation, I sat down and opened a new file for a new BOOK - yes, a real book, but not a novel - and I will tell you more later. I haven't written more than a couple of paragraphs, but it might go somewhere.

As for now, I'm trying to focus on real things that already exist and that make me feel like I'm producing something each day. Like today I printed out all the stuff JJ needs for school to start, like the bus schedule, etc. and posted it on the bulletin board. I got all his immunizations and paperwork ready to go yesterday and today we go to the dentist to get his teeth checked from the accident in the spring. This may entail finding a new dentist, so I have something in my in-basket.

It's getting better. I know I'm not supposed to do this, the cold turkey thing, but I'm glad I did. I did not sweat at all last night!! (Yeah, I know, it's about 30 degrees cooler in my house, but still.) I even slept the whole night through.

Ok, enough about me. Did you go to your parents? You so don't owe them that, you're such a good daughter. I was thinking, too, how much I love being alone and I really get what you're saying. Maybe it's an age thing - maybe we've just grown past the I need other people to validate me phase of life and are truly coming into our own. Hmmm?? I don't think there's anything scary about it, like are you afraid you're going to start hoarding cats and start using home shopping and end up like Howard Hughes? I think you're ok. No worries. Alone is good.

Did you ever listen to that T-Shirt song I wrote about? Hello! W's t-shirt!!

I gotta run and take a shower before going to the dentist. I am getting my hair cut this afternoon then will be home and will try to write later too. I am so sorry about being absent and not even having the courtesy to respond to your posts. Thanks for being so patient with me!

Miss you,
A