A Snowy Vacation

Hey, A.

Funny how much our surroundings can affect our moods, no? I finally got the snow I had been wanting when we had a blizzard Sunday to Monday. Since I'm on vacation I didn't get a snow day from it, but that really wasn't the point. I wanted a blanket of snow to cover my part of the earth and make it feel like winter, make it really feel like Christmas. And even though it didn't fall until the 26th, it's still the Christmas season to me. I'm on Christmas vacation, I haven't seen W yet, and anyway I don't take my tree down until after Three Kings Day, so I have plenty of time to enjoy the view. 

After celebrating Christmas for three days (we opened gifts at my parents' with the kids and my sisters on the 26th; the girls slept over here the 25th), I settled into vacation. It was nice to be snowed in, forced by Mother Nature to stay put. So I cooked (of course I did) and relaxed and enjoyed some alone time. Then yesterday I had my parents over for dinner, and tonight W comes down until Friday. Friday I will go back with him to Boston, and then I will get back here in time for "reentry."

I'm off to do some errands now to do some general stocking up--I'm out of W's brand of vodka,. but I'm also out of Kleenex--but will be home for a few hours with nothing to do but wait early this afternoon. It would be nice to catch up so I'll give you a call? Or I'll text first to see if you're available.

Enjoy the snow and try not to think about your brother. That is, stay in a good mood as long as you can!

Love you,
Barb

Out of nowhere...

Ah....much better mood when I woke up to this!

Grumpy McGrumpster

Yikes! Sorry I never responded to your last post. I did read it that day, just never got back to you. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas (as did I) and that you're enjoying the hell out of your vacation from school.  Snow yet?

No snow here. Just a lot of rain, followed later this week by clearing and freezing temperatures.  Could mean icy roads but it probably won't even be that exciting.  It's just gray and dreary and not exactly helping with the post-Christmas blues.  We don't even have super fun New Year's Eve plans to get hyped about. Just all this decor to put away....argh.  I'll stop now.  Kinda in a grumpy mood today.

I picked up a few extra hours at work for the next couple of weeks, which is totally fine with me, although I'm sort of tired after my first day today.  Thing is, I was perfectly ok until my insane excuse for a brother plowed into my life again this morning and made me all crappy.  AGAIN.  STILL.

God, Barb, what the f is it with him (and other siblings)?????  So get this - brief update: Christmas Day he and his entire family show up at my house unannounced with gifts for everyone.  No f*$#ing kidding.  Just Hello, Merry Christmas! as if we always spend the day together and exchange gifts. Um, it's been about three or four years since we did that ???  And we're all standing there, completely caught off guard with no gifts for them.  So we invite them in for a drink, which they accept, and we open our gifts, and it's all perfectly awkward for about an hour, until they finally leave.  WTF?

Then, I got a text from KN yesterday, saying that he had sent her a gift and a long letter, which she couldn't share because we were never able to catch up on the phone with the time difference.  I would have been ok if I hadn't then received my own letter this morning, which just set me off.  I don't even know what he said to her - for all I know they're back together and eloping this weekend.  But the letter he sent me was just more of the same "I'm sorry, let me fix this" crap and the more I thought about it all day long, the sadder I felt, until I was driving home in the rain and the dark, crying.  Good thing I took the back roads (the curvy, winding ones) since I already couldn't see straight.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to say to him.  I want to tell him to get out of my life and get his act together, but there's so much a part of me that misses him and wants him back.  I just don't want the package...the wife and the dysfunction.  I would be happy to only have contact with him and his kids, but that will never happen.  I'm just sad. That's the only way I can describe it.  For him, for KN, for everyone he's destroyed, for what seems like an insurmountable obstacle between us.

So I called my sweet husband and asked him if he wanted to go out to return stuff at the mall tonight.  Not only did he agree, he said we ought to go out to our favorite wine bar for apps and drinks afterwards.

I love him.

Hope all is well with you...maybe we can talk this week? I'm off all day Friday!

Love you,
A

No Snow in Sight

Hey there, A.

Thanks for calling me back last night so I could air my family laundry...Things are about the same.

Late last week I was hoping for a snow day for Monday, which would have worked out oh-so-well for me-- with Christmas coming up and the Patriots game at 8:30 tonight (kickoff at practically my bedtime!). The best part was it wasn't out of the question; there was a storm in the forecast and my students were as hopeful as I was. Alas the storm track changed and early this weekend I knew there was no chance of getting an extra day to get things done. I had the good sense to I do today everything I would have liked to do tomorrow.

I made more cranberry vodka (you must try it!), cooked a double batch of chili to give to friends for Christmas (I know it's non-traditional, but I guess neither am I; cookies aren't my thing), made cocktail shrimp and cocktail sauce for my own snacking pleasure tonight and to have on hand for a quick non-dinner this week, and got my lists and budget in order so that this week can be as easy as possible.

It's a four day work week that I'm sure will fly by with all the last minute things I need to do. In the middle of it all, I'm going out with C on Wednesday night--and am looking forward to that. We are going to a hot restaurant so it will be a foodie extravaganza...before the food extravaganza that is Christmas in my family. (So much for the gym.)

Hope to catch up with you for a few before then.

Love,
Barb

Getting to the Page

Dear Barb,


Wow, don't get me started on how much I don't write these days.  I need the motivation you are seeking...send some my way if you find it! I can hardly even do a two-minute FB update anymore, I feel so out of sorts with The Page.  "I haven’t been to the gym in a month, my to-do lists take me a week to complete, and I’m just kind of blah lately. "Sounds like my life, entirely. Only I think it's been longer than a month since the gym has seen my face.


So....sorry, but I don't have any other suggestions.  I do think that the morning pages is the (our) best way to get started though.  I have a horrible tendency of sleeping until the last possible minute these days, leaving myself no time at all for anything before heading off (usually late) to work.   Of course, I come home (even as early and luxuriously as 2:00) and it seems those few hours until dinner just disappear with laundry, errands, JJ and his homework, sports, whatever. Suddenly, every night, it's time for bed and I haven't accomplished a thing.  Let alone writing.


I don't think I've fully adjusted to my new schedule - meaning working outside the home.  It's like I totally gave up on housework and basic family care things - I swear my bathroom rivals the boys' in filthiness.  I can't even stand to brush my teeth in there, my sink is so revolting.  I grocery shop only when we are completely out of things - so not like me.  I'm the queen of anticipating the last gallon of milk and never letting the beer fridge let us down with the spares.  Thank God I didn't take a full time position or I think my whole house would fall apart.  How do people do it? What is wrong with me??


Of course I'm still wishing I were on a lawn chair with a cocktail in hand, which isn't exactly helping. And I'm stressed about Christmas shopping (or, the lack of which I have done). The weather sucks, I'm feeling terribly fat and out of shape.....grrrrrrr.  Writing seems low on the priority list, yet it's probably what I should most be doing. 


You are much more dedicated in your writing than I ever have been, so I'm sure you will find rejuvenation sooner rather than later.  Feel free to write here for practice, if not for updating your daily life. I'd love to read some things you've been working on!


Love,
A

New To-Do List

Hey, Amanda.


I sat down this morning and wrote morning pages. Well, I guess they were morning paragraphs that didn’t quite fill a page. Still, it was a start. I woke up thinking that I’m not doing something right. I haven’t been writing much here or in my other blog, so maybe I need to get into the habit of doing my brain drain again—either here or longhand in the morning if I don’t feel like I have a chance to log on to the computer and blog.

In general, I think I need to find a little more balance--and it’s clearly nothing a V8 can fix. I haven’t been to the gym in a month, my to-do lists take me a week to complete, and I’m just kind of blah lately. So my plan for the week is morning pages, gym, and more meditation/affirmations.

Any other suggestions?

Love you,

B

Let it Snow...Please!!!

Wow. I can only imagine how difficult it is to come home from Hawaii....Maybe that's the reason I've never taken a tropical island vacation: I'd never want to come home. Coming home from San Diego is always difficult enough.

I finally got my tree up and decorated today and I'm now watching the Pats game, wishing we were getting some of the snow that's falling in Chicago. Instead we got lots of rain today and there's no snow in the forecast. The frigid cold is coming back (we had single digit temperatures this past week), but for this storm we're on the warm side. Some day we'll get some snow and I'll get my snow day, but for now I'll have to make due without.

It was great catching up the other night (did we actually get a whole hour on the phone?). Just hearing your voice was a treat. Hope you had a good weekend.

Love,
Barb

Post Vacation Blahs

Hey there.

A friend of mine commented on Facebook this morning that the state of Hawaii should give you a month's worth of anti-depressants when you board the plane home.  I can't think of a better idea right now, as I rush to clean the kitchen before work, while the rain slams against my windows and all the lights are on in the house because it's still that dark at 8:30 in the morning.

What a great trip we had.  I could go on for days about how beautiful it was, how relaxing, how warm and sunny it was.  I've seen a lot of gorgeous places in the world, but this really took my breath away. I always thought it would be touristy and junky, but it's so far from that.  It is exactly like every advertising picture I've ever seen. (I took that picture above, from the lawn chair I was sitting in!)  Clean - amazingly, impeccably, clean, and green. I've never seen so much green in my life. And flowers! OMG, the flowers are everywhere, on every bush and tree, and they're stunning. I took so many picture of plants :)

The time with my parents, too, was great. We did most things together, although J and I took off here and there for a bit every day and did our own thing.  It was nice not having any real plans (until we got there and figured out a couple of things we wanted to do) and nowhere we had to be at any time.  We did an awful lot of sunbathing and eating which I guess was the whole point of the trip.

I missed my kids a lot, though.  It is a perfect kid vacation spot (and there were lots of them there) and everything we did I kept thinking, "The boys would love this!" Of course, they weren't missing me all that much so conversations at night lasted about five minutes before they were done with Mom checking in.

Now I'm back and not missing them so much....

Work is still good...today is my first day on the originally promised schedule.  It will be nice to get off in time to make it to JJ's wrestling match, get my nails done, go to the bank.  You know, basic stuff.  This weekend is our neighborhood 12 Drinks party, but since I RSVPed late, I am not a hosting house.  That makes for a stress-free weekend, AND I get to go to the party anyway!  Sunday I'll try to get a little more Christmas shopping done (I have hardly started...there's my stress!)  Other than that, pretty quiet around here.

And raining.

And cold.

And no one has brought me a Bloody Mary since Sunday.

Hope all is well with you...counting down the days to Christmas Break, I'm sure.  Yay!

Love you,
A

Home...physically, if not mentally

Hey...

A quick hello on my lunch hour to thank you for the welcome home post. We took the day off yesterday to get acclimated and do some Christmas shopping, and today I'm back at work. I'm not adjusting well. Hard to get out of vacation mode, especially from that vacation.

I will try to write more later on and send some pics, but no promises. I go to my part time schedule Thursday, so I hope to return to my normal life then.

Just to let you know, though, our trip was fantastic. Such a gorgeous place, I took a gazillion pictures of the same scenery because it took my breath away every day! Ate and drank and got a decent tan...enjoyed time with J and, surprisingly, had a blast with my parents. We will definitely go back - and soon - my kids would love it.

Gotta get back to the office so I'll catch up with you later.  Glad to hear you had a good break too!
Love you,
A

Home Again

Aloha.

Back from Hawaii, tan and rested? I'm so happy for you and J; the pictures you sent indicate that you two were having a great time! I can't wait to hear all about it.

I am not tan, but I am relaxed, having just gotten in from Boston tonight. C and I went for our annual overnight getaway yesterday--staying in the Back Bay last night and taking our planned personal day today. As always we had fun--shopping, eating, and drinking yesterday, and then sleeping in, shopping, eating and drinking some more today. Now I'm home with my favorite throw blanket and laptop on my lap and a cocktail on my side table, watching the Pats game all comfy cozy while W freezes his butt off at the stadium. Unfortunately, I'm sure the chili I brought him for his tailgate didn't keep him or his buddies warm for long....God, I don't know how he still does it--out there in freezing cold.

Anyway, I was in Boston last weekend as well for the second part of Thanksgiving weekend with W, which was a great time too, so I've got a serious case of I miss Boston.... Funny how I miss it more when I visit more often, but interesting also that I had a feeling while driving home that I will definitely live there again.
Not sure how or when, but I know it will be home again....

For now this place that is my home is a disaster area--in need of cleaning and some more holiday spirit, so that is my plan for this weekend. If you are home and around, I'd love a distraction and a chance to chat with you.

Hope all is well....

Love you,
Barb

Later, Gator

It's 5:49 and we're out the door.

34 degrees here in BL, 68 in Lahaina.

See ya! :)

Snow Outside, Good Wine Inside

Hey, you.

So great to catch up with you over the weekend, if only for a short while.  You were cracking me up, re-capping all my news like a good therapist would.  See?  You'd be a fabulous counselor!!

It's been a little crazy around here the past couple of days. We've been having uncharacteristic snow (both for our area and this time of year.)  The roads are awful; driving is a nightmare. I hate driving in anything other than broad daylight sunshine with no clouds, so I'm kind of a baby, but still.  Not into the snow thing.  Fortunately, we closed the clinic early tonight and I got home before 6:30 with a stop at Target for some necessities (hairspray, root-touch-up, cat food) so all was well.  I am so happy tomorrow is my last full time shift. I don't mean to be a whiner about working full time, but I am just exhausted from the weird hours.

The kids have been out of school all week and are out tomorrow too; they're thrilled to have an extra three days tacked onto their Thanksgiving break.  They won't be so delighted come the end of the year, when we'll be in school until July.  Oh well.  It is kind of fun.  My neighbor M (a teacher) took JJ and a bunch of kids sledding today on the huge hills in the back of our development, and they had a blast. I was starting to feel bad about not being home all day until I heard that.  Evidently, JJ didn't miss me one bit.  Which is good, right? :(

Tonight I'm drinking really good Malbec from my friend JH, a wine distributor, who always sends good stuff my way when I socialize with his wife.  She came to my Silpada party and brought me this lovely red, so I'm sitting here in sweats and my big, new, fuzzy OSU sweatshirt, enjoying my "me" time. I should be cleaning C's room for her arrival, or doing laundry, or, I don't know, prepping something for Thanksgiving dinner. But you know what?  I grouchy with J and I really don't give a s*#^ about that stuff.  I'm feeling a little selfish.  So there.

I'm halfway packed for Hawaii, though. I went shopping a little this weekend and since there was really no point in putting it all away, I just started a pile in anticipation.  Never mind the turkey dinner, do I have all my bathing suit tops in order?? Where the hell is my floral print sun dress I've never, ever worn? Shouldn't I bring that? It's so....Hawaiian looking.  I went tanning today to get a little base, since I currently resemble Casper the Ghost. That and it's like 20 degrees, so tanning seemed like good medicine.

On the drama front, I talked to KN for a long time today,  re: crazy Bro J, and I'm just so freakin' pissed at him for all the damage he's left in the wake of his selfishness.  He keeps emailing me and I know he's trying very hard to make things right with me, but at this point, I have a hard time saying it's a genuine attempt.  I'm not sure I believe he really gives a s*$# all that much.  I can't even believe some of the crap he's pulled on KN and the phenomenal lies he told her. It makes me sad and sick to my stomach. And still, I love him because he's my brother.  But if I met him on the street, I would spit on him.  Sad, huh.

I was just conversing via FB with my friend HD (my Silpada girl) about how late it feels every night when it's barely past dinnertime. Suddenly, I am struck with that feeling ... it's 8:46 and I am absolutely ready for bed.   So, I'll sign off and wish you an easy last day before break.

Have a terrific Thanksgiving with L and a wonderful trip to Beantown.  I am jealous, and I mean that. Even where I'm going, I'm forever envious that you get to go to Boston.

Love you,
A

Sorry!

I will apologize...I've had plenty of time but I guess I couldn't get out of my own way long enough to sit and write. Sorry. And I am jealous. I wish I had a tropical vacation to look forward to on the horizon. I'm going to Boston Thanksgiving weekend, but it sure isn't the same.

Things here are okay. I have good days and bad, with nothing in particular to trigger them to be one way or another. I think I had that moment to breathe last paycheck and then, just like that!, I was broke again and stressed again. And in a bad mood.

Meanwhile, school is not a happy place for most teachers. The adminstration sssuuuuucccks and it's wearing on a lot of us. Thank god I like my classes and I spend most of my time with them. It's just unfortunate that at the end of the day you can't pack it up and feel good about what you've done with the kids when you get waylayed in some ridiculous meeting or another that makes your head spin. But enough of giving that place any more of my energy.

Next week is a short week and then there's Thanksgiving and life is good. I know that. Sometimes I just need to take a break from being positive and let myself be pissed off. And now I'm good.

Love you,
Barb

248 Hours and Counting

I would apologize for not writing all week, but hey. Neither of us has been here much lately.

Still working my weird 10-7 shift and fighting a sinus infection...not in a very good mood lately ;(

I  did have a terrific weekend in Coravallis but am dreading the one coming up; I'll have to do all of my Thanksgiving shopping, decorating, housecleaning and food prep by Sunday night - the folks will arrive sometime Wednesday, and I will get no help from The Crazies as far as Thursday goes, other than Mrs. Crazy might bring a salad or something.  Then, three days of eating and decorating for Christmas, then....ahhhhh.....

sunshine


drinks with umbrellas


sand


clear blue water


breakfast on the little balcony outside my condo bedroom


a pool with palm trees dipping into the water


more drinks with umbrellas  and pineapple slices and mango chunks


sex on the beach....

oh, wait, was I still talking about cocktails?

xoxo

Maui on the Horizon

Hey,

So so tired today...didn't sleep well last night due to some digestive thing going on that I can't identify. Like you need to hear about that.  I'd love a glass of wine, but I know I don't sleep well when I drink and I'm planning to crash here around 8ish.  Tomorrow is late start, but JJ is grounded so he has to go to bed early too.

I haven't been keeping you detail-informed of my brother's insanity, but you know enough, I think, to know that his latest onslaught of contact (I'm sorry! I need you! I'm a loser!  I'm in crisis! I'm sorry!) is bringing me so down.  He wears me out, makes me sad, makes me hopeful, then lets me down, every time.  He's on another I-want-to-be-a-good-brother kick the past few days and I just can't buy it this time.  I'm so exhausted with his issues and the roller coaster drama of his life. He keeps dragging me in, and I keep thinking this time, he really means it. I'm like a pathetic girlfriend. Or wife. Oh, wait, he already has those. I guess I'm just the pathetic sister.  So much of me wants to tell him that I just can't trust him, but then I wonder, is this really it? Is this the time he really does need me to be there for him and he's really going to get his shit together this time? What if I turn him away and I'm all he has? What kind of sister does that make me?

But the minute I start to respond to the emails (two a day, at least) I just sit here, staring at the keyboard.  I don't know what to say.  He's on this I want to be there for you thing, this time.  OMG, like he's even remotely capable of that.  I don't want to be mean, I don't want to screw up Thanksgiving for my parents. I just want him to leave me alone - like he's been doing for the past three or four years, thank you very much.

Anyway,  just today I got three emails and I'm so tired of reading them.  Sorry to vent on you.

The job is still good (these hours suck though) and everything else is going well around here.  We're heading to Corvallis to spend the weekend with C, and go to JJ's first college football game - OSU vs. WSU.  WSU is where he wants to go to school, more than anything, so he's having a bit of a wardrobe dilemma. "What do you think, Mom? Should I wear my Beavers hat and my Cougars jersey, or my Cougars hat with my Beavers t-shirt? Dad's just wearing all Beavs.  I can't do that. I just can't not root for the Cougs, even if we are on the OSU side of the stadium."  He's killing me!! I'm looking so forward to this - it's pretty much the equivalent of taking a small child to Disneyland.

And of course, Thursday we have Stomp, for which I am very excited.  I've wanted to see it for years.

I'm counting down the days to Hawaii now (18 if you're wondering) although none of my efforts to drop 10 lbs have been successful.  At this point, I'm so whatever about it. Getting upset over feeling out of shape and blubbery while in Maui is not going to a) make the weight disappear or 2) improve my vacation any.

Oh, look! It's after 8! That means I can crawl into bed and either read Jodi Picoult (ridiculously depressing) or watch Criminal Minds (weirdly, not depressing).

Hope your week is going well...love you,
A

Reader's Digest Reply

You know I can't resist: What were you thinking having a Silpada party EVER?..

I'm glad things are back to normal with J...trust that soon enough things will feel normal with work. Your body will adjust. And then, when you get to the schedule you signed up for? Well, it will be a breeze.

I had a good weekend with W. It was nice that he stuck around Sunday afternoon rather than head back early. It was particularly nice to watch the Pats game together, although they had an awful game.

And now I'm back to the grind, trying not to wish my life away, but knowing time will fly. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it, and then... well you know how it goes.

Grades are due Wednesday so I can't promise much more until I turn them in. Wish me luck getting through the backlog.

But I am well, and hope you are too.

Love, Barb

Reader's Digest Post

Ok, here's my before-the-weekend-post:

What was I thinking, keeping this Silpada party date on a Thursday night???

But...

I just got tickets to see Stomp up in Seattle (all four of us) next week, and it's a surprise for JJ.  M has been wanting to take him for years. I'm so excited!

My brother, his wife and his girlfriend should have their own reality show. They'd make a mint. I refuse to watch Jersey Shore, so why do I watch this? It's almost worse.

All is well with J again.

And...

I am sooooo tired. I'm not feeling 100% healthy either (hmmm...working in a same day clinic...I wonder?)

It's 8:23 and I'm headed upstairs to get cozy and read a little of the new Jodi Picoult - House Rules - for book club. I figure one or two months out of the year I should actually read the book assigned.  So far, it's really good. Then by 9:00 I will be out.  J is still sick so he's up for early bedtimes lately too, which makes it easy to get everyone in bed early :)

Hope your week is going well.
Love you,
A

Tuesday Treat

Good morning, Amanda.

Kids have no school today and the teacher workshops don't start until 8...so I get a little extra time this morning. What a treat to sleep a little later and have a few minutes to write! Reminds me that I am a firm believer that changing the start time would go a long way--for teachers and students....

Snoring: ugh. That's what I'll be dealing with this weekend. With or without a cold, I'm afraid, I don't get much sleep when W is here. Oh well, a relatively small price to pay, and it's not every day, so I won't complain. Or did I already?

Sounds like a good Halloween weekend for you. Doesn't surprise me that JJ ended up going out...My niece A did too with a bunch of friends. Why not, right? Middle-schoolers are kids, too.  I had a good weekend as well, although it really had no Halloween components. Rather, it just felt like a nice, fall weekend. And I was in a good mood.

Last night I was thinking that I didn't realize I was in a funk until...well...I guess I got out of the funk. I'm not sure what did the trick, if it was cleaning mid-week and having friends over which gave me a weekend without a thousand things to do so that when I sat around it was not in squalor or denial of everything I needed to do, or just getting to November 1 and finishing the two month transition from summer to the holidays, or feeling a little more recuperated financially after getting blindsided by the district and not getting paid until September 10 when we expected to paid at the end of August, or if it was something else or a combination, but something did the trick. I feel better. And I didn't realize I felt bad.

I hope you have a good week at work. Maybe I'll hear from you again before the weekend?...

Take care, Love you,
Barb

Late Night Rambling

Hey,

Sorry I didn't write over the weekend.  I thought 1:15 Tuesday morning was a much better idea.

John has had a horrible cough for about a week now, and tonight he managed to kick it just a little. The trade-in was hellacious snoring, so here I am. Unable to sleep upstairs, unwilling to call it a couch night. Thought maybe I'd read for awhile and get sleepy enough to overrule the noise.

We had a fun, if busy weekend. Friday night was pretty quiet as I worked until 7:30 then hung out with the boys until I was too tired to even watch TV.  The three of us got up at the crack of dawn on Saturday as M was going to go skydiving - it was to be his 10th jump and first solo, so we were excited to see it. Unfortunately the weather turned to crap before we even left the house and we never got to go.  It was a nice day, though, in spite of the rain. He and I went to Starbucks and hung out for coffee, then went to see the Social Network (excellent movie).  I took a nap later in the afternoon in preparation for T's birthday party.

It was kind of a family thing, this party, at first, so M went over there with me and stayed until he had another, more age appropriate party to go to. J stayed home, and JJ went to a party at JK's house, so I was solo; still, it was a great party. Not a huge crowd, but a good mix of people. JJ came over around 11 and we came home starving. The two of us sat up until after midnight eating leftover ribs while he told me every detail about the funnest party ever. It was a great night.

Sunday, in the end - shocker! - JJ changed his mind and went out with his buddies. They just couldn't resist free candy I guess. I went out walking with CK and her new boyfriend for a bit, then I met up with M and we went over to S&T's to hang out with them. He was dressed up like some skeleton sort of thing and just sat on their porch scaring people, which was pretty hilarious. We got home early - all of us - and everyone was in bed by 10:00, completely exhausted.  It was a very fun night, as always.

Back to work today, still on my full time schedule. This week I'm having my jewelry party so I'm trying to figure out where to get the energy to clean my entire house before Thursday. Maybe I'll Clorox wipe the bathroom and create good lighting - that should do the trick. This weekend not much planned, so I'm happy about that.

Nothing else going on here.  I do remember you telling me that you would like to hang your own shingle one day, but didn't know you had a real plan. I hope you pursue it; you definitely would be very good at it, no doubt about that.  I have to say, though, that your commitment to teaching has been admirable and even on your "bad" days, you never come across miserable. Just tired sometimes, which I think is a great place to start thinking of moving on.

Ok, eyelids are starting to droop - I'm gonna give sleep another shot. Just wanted to say hi and wish you a good week.
Love you,
A

News Flash

Wow. I guess it has been a busy month and we haven't talked much...since I haven't told you that about a month ago my wheels started turning and I decided to give some serious thought to getting another masters in....[wait for it]...counseling psychology...so that after another 6 years (during which I would earn my masters part time) in teaching, I might switch to guidance or school psychology and/or then hang a shingle. Ultimately, that's the goal: to hang a shingle. Me and my own patients/clients/schedule. I think I'd be good at it. I'll leave it at that for now, but I have more to share...

Meanwhile, my day off yesterday was EXACTLY what I needed. I got my laundry done and went grocery shopping and by 3, when I'd just be getting home from work if I forced myself to leave by 2:30, I had my chili on the stove. I vacuumed and set a beautiful table (far fancier than it needed to be for chili) and when M arrived at 5:30 I felt ready. Good. Then J came and stayed later than I expected but it was all good. I went to bed knowing I only had another day to get through. And when I woke up today, knowing that I wouldn't start the weekend with laundry and vacuuming hanging over my head, I couldn't have been happier. Having (ahem, taking) yesterday to myself, to do some basic chores and enjoy myself seems to have broken the cycle of my rut of compartmentalizing my life. Tomorrow I can really enjoy my coffee. I won't be gulping it down while making my grocery list and errand list and figuring out what time I should go the the gym to make sure I can do everything else too.

Yay, me.

I hope your week ends well and that you and J can smooth things out a bit and enjoy the weekend. White light.

Love you,
Barb

Free Pass to Vent with Me

Hey there.

I don't blame you for being bitter, that's exactly why I couldn't do it anymore.  And I hadn't even been doing it half as long as you had; granted I had the luxury of just giving it up without having something else lined up, so I was lucky that way. But I so get your frustration.  It's the most draining job I can imagine, mentally, physically, emotionally.  Have you been thinking about changing careers, seriously?  What would you want to do?

I hate to go on and on then about how much I like my job, but I do feel very fortunate.  And, not to be a whiner, because most people work full days and function just fine, but I'm still new to this and the nine hour day (especially those hours, 10-7) is kicking my butt.  I'll be fine by next week when my learning curve starts to level out a little more, but today, I'm tired.  And...still fighting with J, since the weekend :( so it's tense around here and not much fun to come home to.

But I've been to the gym three days this week and plan to go tomorrow too, so I'm keeping my mental health in check.  I feel so much better just because of that.

Hang in there, my friend.  I wish I were C some days, that I could meet up with you for a cocktail or two (or accessory shopping - jealous!)  and commiserate with you. As it is, know that you can always vent to me and that I (sort of) get it. I know I didn't teach for long, and I know I wasn't half as dedicated to it as you are, but I do feel your pain.

Love you,
A

More Bitter than Sweet

Hi there, Amanda.

That new job of yours sounds more and more perfect. Really. I'm so happy for you. Just what you needed, I dare say, just when you needed it.

Meanwhile, back here in New England your teacher friend Barb said at least a dozen times today "I can't take it." Half way through the day today I said I don't know if I have it in me--physically or mentally--to get through the day tomorrow (my schedule is that I am free first block, then go straight through with five blocks to the end of the day). Every time we turn around we are given something else to do, another responsibility in our "free" time. In other words, the micromanaging administration is going out of their way to make sure we haven't a single minute during the day to correct or photocopy or prep. I guess the message there is that we should be grateful to have our jobs, and willing to work 16 hours a day to keep them.

Perhaps the worst thing for me these days is coming home from work and seeing at least one news story in which teachers are blamed for...well, everything. It started with teachers being to blame for failing schools in America. Nice broad stroke to brush there. Kids can't read or write, or can't read or write on par with the rest of the world, because of their teachers. Yeah. Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? I haven't really gotten over that yet. But no rest for the weary. Last night teachers were blamed for bullying. Well, not directly, but when people are quoting laws that are broken when teachers don't report bullying--especially related to race, gender or sexual orientation--the inference is that we are not reporting, and therefore we are responsible for all this hateful bullying. It all just makes it hard to be a teacher these days.

But enough woe is me. After school I had a delightful time with C at happy hour, after which we discovered a new accessory store in our favorite outdoor mall. And now I'm home, sipping another glass of wine while I enjoy the balmy rain with my windows open.

Hope you're having a sweet day...Clearly I'm bitter enough for both of us.

Love,
Barb

Life is Good

Hey, Barb.

Love the neighborly hoopla last night. What's up with that? And then having to get up at the crack of dawn to go to work. Sorry.

No late night parties here, even though it is Tuesday Late Night, which is what we grownups call the District's Wednesday Late Start.  Usually it's dinner with the gang, but a) T&A have family plans and 2) the weather is so unbelievably crappy that none of us even wants to walk across the street for dinner.  I had ribs planned for this evening and once you're committed to that, you're kind of stuck.  So in a few minutes, I'll head out onto the soaked deck in the pouring down sideways rain and Halloween-decoration-destroying winds, to barbecue. They better be good.

But the weather isn't really getting me down because I really, really like my new job! It's not as hard to learn all this information as I thought it was going to be, but it's still challenging and entirely new to me, so I'm not bored. And far from capable.  It'll take me a good month, I think, to be totally comfortable working the desk alone. I know, that sounds crazy, sitting here with a Master's Degree, but who thought there would be a gazillion different types of insurance and a gazillion different conditions and rules within each type? And then, working in the same-day clinic I have to process different kinds of state insurance, and the 37 different options for paying when you don't have insurance.

But it's fun.  It's never dull; some of the patients are real characters, as I'm sure you can imagine.  Many, I know personally so that makes it fun too.  Today, my friend Jenni went into labor and I was the first one to know since she's one of our patients. Of course, I couldn't tell anyone, so that kind of sucked :)

The rest of this week I'm on full time, 10 - 7, which will be fine with me since it looks like the weather isn't going to improve any. I'd rather be there than sitting here unable/unwilling to go anywhere.  This weekend is T's birthday; he traditionally throws a birthday/Halloween party that, traditionally, starts out as a few friends coming over and ends up as a massive drinking bash with everyone he knows.  This year will be no different, so I'm sort of planning ahead for that on Saturday night. I hate that Halloween is on Sunday night this year, but JJ has decided he's too old to trick or treat, so I won't have that whole jacked-up-on-sugar problem when it's bedtime.

Look at that...I wrote twice in one week!  And I wrote elsewhere, too! I tried to write a second entry today, to share some pictures from the 50th, but I was having problems transferring them over from iPhoto so I gave up on it.  Just goes to show that busy begets busy.

Love you!
A

Monday Night Party???

Hey, Amanda.

Well, after making myself a nice dinner and being content to go upstairs early to read, my plans were disrupted by whoops and hollers from the unit next door. Just as I was getting ready to call it a day, their guests arrived for what I guess was a Monday night football party. Arg. The Giants. (Which means I wasn't watching) I went to bed anyway but couldn’t read. Eventually, just as I would nod off there was a cheer-worthy play, I guess, and I was startled awake. Over and over until 12:30. I wake up at 5:30 so I wasn’t a happy camper.

But I’m still doing okay. I have nothing going on tonight except maybe to make chili in advance of my get together with M and J (which will be OVER, not BEGINNING at 8:30) on Thursday. Tomorrow C and I are going to do Happy Hours somewhere and I’m scheming to “get a migraine” on Thursday. Just cuz.
Hope your week is off to a good start.

Love,
Barb

Sluggish Weekend

Hey,

No I haven't gotten out of the habit of checking in here every day... it's the writing I have trouble with!  At least you inspire me :)

Sounds like a good weekend on your end.  You are indeed very lucky to have two sisters with whom you enjoy spending your "premium time".  I can barely stand to spend an hour on a Tuesday afternoon with mine.  I envy you!

I may be joining you in the "compartmentalization of life" cycle now.  Yes, my job worked out in the end.  Technically, my hours are 9-2, Mon-Fri, but they have only just posted the announcement for the remaining 2-7 shift.  So I offered to cover it until someone is hired; they have two candidates already lined up, so it shouldn't be for too long.  I don't mind, though, it's a little extra cash I hadn't counted on.  I was thinking, too, that I might suggest an alternate job share schedule if they have trouble finding someone (who wants to work 2-7??) and I wouldn't mind doing a Mon-Tue-every other Wed deal either. At least it wouldn't be every day and I wouldn't have to miss so much of JJ's sports and stuff.  That's really my reason for not wanting to do the full time gig - if it were something like 6-3, I would do it in a heartbeat.  It's the not being available to pick him up from practices, go to games, all that.  Anyway, we'll see what happens.

I did a training thing on Thursday which was very informative but slightly overwhelming for someone with absolutely no medical background at all.  Particularly in issues of insurance and billing --- yikes!!! We ended up just doing half the training that day and I will have another day this week learning the Electronic Patient Management system.  Friday, I observed another Patient Services Coordinator (sounds so much better than Front Desk Receptionist, don't you think?) all day, which helped to relieve a little anxiety over not understanding 90% of what I had learned on Thursday.  The people with whom I spent my shift were really nice and fun to be around, so that was a good sign.  It's pretty laid back, I must say.  Plus, I know many of the patients, as do the other PSCs, so it's very informal and friendly.

Tomorrow and Tuesday, more observing, then Wednesday I start the full shift, (10:30 - 7) so they will put me at the desk and have me participate a little more.  I have to wear this goofy scrub-type jacket that's  pretty ugly, until I get around to purchasing a slightly cooler black fleece jacket that we're also allowed to wear. Otherwise, black pants, white t-shirt, standard uniform.  I actually had a really good time on Friday and am looking forward to getting started this week.  I'm so excited to be back to work, much more than I thought I would be.  This will be good for my mental health too.

Have been a bit of a funk this weekend,  but probably more alcohol-induced than anything else.  We had a progressive neighborhood dinner last night that was very fun but J and I weren't getting along very well and I drank too much with too little food.  By 9:30 I was just pissed off at him and then I couldn't find JJ (who for some reason never answers his phone) or M (who had told me he was going out but I had forgotten).  I got myself all worked up trying to get ahold of them (because I was drunk) until I finally found JJ over at JK's and was all pissed at him, too, for the phone thing. I took him home and we visited for awhile after I calmed down; by 10:00 I was just ready for bed, so I never went back to the party.  I didn't sleep well, of course, and ended up on the couch downstairs in fits of restless sleep all night.

Today I was just so out of it, probably because of that, so I took off for a few hours and got my nails and toes done, then ran a couple of little errands. When I got home I curled up on the couch with a book and stayed out of J's way, not wanting to talk about it. It's 8:25 now and legitimately time to get in bed and watch mindless tv until 9:00, when I feel like I can go to sleep without risking another sleepless night.

Other than that, nothing to report here. I am counting down the days until November 28th and my departure to Maui!  I promise to get better about writing and not leaving so much time between posts.  Wishing you a good Monday and maybe a little less work, with a little more play mixed in.

Love you,
A

Cycles

Hey there, Amanda.

I see you started working...how did things turn out? Are you temporarily full time? Or were you able to keep the dream schedule? How was your first day?? Has there been a second? And--I guess by the time you read this I should also ask--how was your weekend?

My weekend was low key, as most are, but good. Friday evening L et. al. came up and my mom hosted a family dinner. After dinner we lingered a while, then all of us but mom and dad made our way to M's. We had lots of laughs (no one is safe from friendly ridicule) and a good time was had by all. When I got home I had a sentimental moment, feeling really fortunate to have two sisters that I like enough to hang out with them on a Friday night. We are all so different, yet clearly cut from the same cloth--and there's never a dull moment. The kids all get along well, too, and I feel very grateful.

I never got my laundry done, but yesterday and today I ran a bunch of errands, and this afternoon I made some tortilla soup before sitting down to the Pats game. I could use another day to myself before going back to work, but what else is new? I decided I need to get over it. I need to stop compartmentalizing my life so much. It's like the only thing I can manage to do during the week is work, and then I spend my weekends cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and running errands and going back to work on Monday already looking forward to the next weekend. Which will be exactly like the one before, or one during which I do absolutely nothing, thereby perpetuating the cycle either way. Ah well. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

Anyway. Game is over and my kitchen beckons. Time to clean up and pack up a lunch for tomorrow.

Hope all is well.

Love you,
Barb

Falling for Fall

Hey, Amanda.

So good to hear from you! I remember well my parents’ anniversary party weekend. It was such a blast, and yet I knew that my parents had more fun than we—their kids and friends and family—did. I remember feeling so satisfied by that and so relieved that it had gone so well, and then incredibly let down when it was all over. Sounds like you’re in that same place.
So fall is here and I’m good with that—the scents, the colors, the nesting—but not quite ready for frost on my windshields. Arg. Still, I agree with your thought that pretty much the holiday season is here. I was actually just explaining to S during our pumpkin adventure over the weekend that during summer I want my whole life to be summer. Eventually the seasons change despite my protests, and when the leaves start changing and I enjoy some of what fall brings (like our pumpkin adventure) I start to look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and snow days even. It just takes me a while to get there. And I’m there.

I’m looking forward to the weekend with nothing to do but would love to catch up between now and then. Tonight should work if you get a minute. The job sounds PERFECT; the schedule: dreamy.

Love you
B

A Little Catch-Up

Hey, Barb.

I'm having a hard time getting started writing - although I have been reading - so I thought I'd begin here where it doesn't matter too much if I'm eloquent or if I don't say exactly the right thing.

I'm still in the post-major-event energy drain, even though everyone left Sunday night.  The anniversary weekend was beyond anything I could have hoped for, but I'm glad it's over. Everything turned out perfectly, from JJ's baseball game Thursday afternoon with a handful of cousins and Grandma and Grandad in the cheering section, to Sunday evening at Red Robin, saying goodbye to the last of the travelers. We had a blast. I think my parents had the time of their lives, as did most of the rest of us. What a memorable few days! I don't have pictures yet from KA (our photographer, TA's little sister) but as soon as I do, I will share.

Monday morning, I slept late and finally got up only because I had a job interview.  A few weeks ago at baseball, a team mom mentioned that one of her employees had given her two-weeks notice that day, and after a bit of conversation, we agreed that I would forward her my resume.  I wasn't sure if she was really serious, but she called me while I was in New York and set up an interview.  I don't think she's interviewing anyone else at this point, so I was happy when I immediately hit it off with the two office managers Monday.  It's a front desk reception/patient admit position at a local family medical clinic; it's right here in BL, about three minutes from the house, M-F, 9-2.  Could I have designed a better job if I had tried???  All I wanted was something close to home, during school hours, with no emotional baggage, no take home work, no overtime.  Hello!!  I got a call the minute I got home from the interview to ask if I could do my drug test that day, so I went and got that out of the way. Now I'm hoping that CN (the baseball mom) will call me in the morning to let me know what the next step is.

I'm pretty excited about it -- the timing is perfect, the money isn't too terrible and the rest of it is awesome.  We'll see what happens... now I just have to figure out how I'm going to get a week off next summer for my trip to the east coast! ;-)

Other than that, I've just been trying to get my house back in order, although it didn't get too out of control while everyone was here.  All of my redecorating is finished and all the pieces are finally in place.  It's beautiful and I love all the changes we made.  We have a bunch of busy weekends ahead - well, pretty much the holiday season is upon us, I think.  We've got a huge neighborhood progressive dinner, a visit from JB from California, a trip to Portland with M, a trip to Corvallis to see a football game and spend time with C, Halloween, blah blah blah, right up to when my parents come back for Thanksgiving. Then we leave November 28 for Maui!  I'm now allowing myself to get excited about that, and I already told CN (new boss) that I need that week off, which was no problem.  I had really put the thought of it out of my head, but now it's nice to have something fun to look forward to that won't take any effort on my part! Ok, maybe fitting into a bathing suit will take a little effort...

I would love to catch up on the phone this week.  Tomorrow would be great if you will be around; Thursday I am having my tooth extracted (the one I cancelled to go to NY) so I'll be OOC that day.  I should be around Friday, as far as I know.  Saturday M and I leave for Portland.  Let me know what works for you.

Speaking of NY, John is doing well with the death of his sister but is not doing well with being back to work at all.  I am a little worried about how much his personality changes when he's back at work.  I'm not sure how much longer he's going to be able to put off retirement.  I would be just fine if he quit tomorrow; the stress is killing him.  One of the great things about being back in NY was the time we spent with his family and how much we all enjoyed that sense of closeness and relaxation.  We talked a lot about retiring there, and C is already applying for a job transfer to Albany. She was that happy there.

Anyway, I'll sign off and look forward to talking to you soon. It seems like it's bedtime but it's only 8:00 and pitch dark outside.  I love fall, but the darkness tricks me.  I could seriously go to bed right now!

Love you and hope all is well with you,
A

Hi!

Hey, Amanda.

Wow, we really suck at this lately, hu? Thank god  for texting and FB...at least I know you're okay! And very busy. I know the party is coming up soon (is it this weekend?) so I'm not sure when you'll have a chance to catch up in writing or on the phone, but I wanted to say hi and let you know that I'm thinking about you and I look forward to catching up when we have the chance.

Love,
Barb

Countdown

Hey, Amanda.

Five minutes until a faculty meeting, then after that it’s the weekend for me! I ‘m taking tomorrow off for some medical stuff—fasting blood work and a mammogram—and I’m hoping to get a bunch of other stuff done in between like settle back taxes (I know, I’m horrible) and get my car serviced. The day will not be a picnic, but it will be nice not to get up before dawn (literally) and get ready for school.


I’m off to Vermont this weekend with the girls so I’ll be out of touch, but I promise to get back in the swing of writing here next week.

Hope you have a good weekend!
Love you,

Barb

Hi, Barb.

It's already Wednesday and I've hardly accomplished a thing this week.  The anniversary party is looming over my head but I still feel like I have all the time in the world ( I don't - less than 3 weeks) to finish up the details.  So I'm focused on putting my new family room together...but not really too motivated for that either. I'd much rather go to the movies or nap. I'm such a project pooper - I get started all gung-ho, then halfway through I just want someone else to finish :)

Nothing much going on around here. Matt turned 18 on Monday and his friends stopped by to surprise him after the family went out to dinner. He thought they all had plans and no one would be able to hang out with him. It was very sweet.  Already, though, today, he's skipping class. Not my issue, but it's bugging the shit out of me. I need to breathe.

Tomorrow I'm getting my tooth pulled so I'll be out of commission all day after that.  John leaves Monday for an extended business trip to Chicago that will end in Albany with his sister, and he won't be back home until the day before the party. D is not doing well at all; what we know at this point is that there is nothing more they can do for her and they will be sending her home probably this week.  Who knows, then, what kind of time she has left.  I imagine they will arrange some kind of hospice care and we will likely be making a trip back before Christmas.

So this weekend we'll spend finishing up the house and getting the yard as much in order as possible.  We got a little break in that JJ decided he didn't need to go to the fair this year (thank God) and is going to spend his fair money on entering a National Choir competition.  Yay!! He's very excited; I know it's a good experience for him to audition, although only 300 (maybe it was 500?) students make it.  He may be the only one from his school who even bothers to try, so I'm proud of him.  If he makes it, he will go to Chicago in the spring to sing with the National Middle School Choir. Hello! Wouldn't that be something!

Anyway, not much to report -- just wanted to say hello.  I hope all is well with you and that your schedule - school, sleeping, life in general - is smoothing out.

Love you,
A

Fucockta???

Hey, you.

Ok, that's a new word for me.  I looked it up, but....

I imagine not being settled into school yet is frustrating, but your weather is still nice, no? That would be hard. If it were raining and cold, your body might be adjusting to the schedule change better.  At least for me, I know that's true. It'll click eventually...are you still having problems sleeping/being in pain at night?

I'm so glad it's Monday and there is NOTHING on my schedule for today.  We went camping this weekend with a few couples from John's office whom I had never met, save for one I'm not crazy about in the first place. Turned out to be a very fun group and I had a great time. We had awesome weather, and the only kids there were mine (JJ and a friend) and one other 9 year old girl who pretty much kept to herself, so we did a lot of sitting around the fire, drinking and relaxing. We had kayaks and mopeds, so the kids were in heaven (check out my pictures on fb if you want).  We got home yesterday mid-afternoon, and by the time we were done cleaning the trailer and all that, we ended up ordering in Chinese and going to bed by 9:00.  I hadn't been looking forward to the trip at all, but now I'm so glad I went!

M's loving his new school and is really thriving in the more adult environment. He cut his hair very short and wears semi-dress clothes to school every day - he's cracking me up! I asked him if that's how all the students dress and he said no, he just felt like he needed to be "more professional".  He's a paradox, that one.

JJ's playing baseball this fall, actually.  And so far, we just have practice every day until 5:00; no games for two more weeks. Another mom and I trade off pickups after practice, so that's helpful.  For whatever reason, our middle school football season isn't until the spring here, so we go baseball, wrestling, basketball, football.  Plus, he's in choir and planning to join the Advanced Choir in November, so we'll for sure be busy. I'm good - I'd rather he be involved in that, even if he's not a straight A student,  than to hate all things school related, like his brother did.

The biggest news to report is the new installment of Bro J and CC Crazy...but I won't bore you with details. Let's see how well I can do this RD version:

Mid-week last week: Their therapist told them that Bro should move out for awhile, but CC told the therapist that's not an option, he must stay with her at all costs. Bro tried to move out, but CC found out about the affair with KN. Since then she's been insane - and I mean in a not-so-funny-kind-of-scary way. He stayed here all weekend with M while we were gone; she came to my house and went nuts all over M Friday night, until he (M) had to make her leave and my J had to call the cops (from camping!) to put her on the radar. She called my parents and told them a pack of lies (in addition to the truth about the affair). She told her kids all about it, too, (details and all) then kept them up all night stirring them into a frenzy about how daddy doesn't love them anymore. She pushed him so far he ripped his phones and the computer out of the walls in his house to stop her from posting all his emails to KN on fb and sending them to my parents, his boss, etc. Then she threatened to have him arrested for assault (although he didn't touch her).  He went home yesterday I guess to get his stuff and make a plan to leave, but I haven't heard from him since Saturday night.  Who knows what will happen next?

My parents are doing better today, but they're worried about him (and so angry at him for being so stupid and spineless in the first place). They're worried about the grand kids (like we all are) but she's so out of control that Bro says he can't even have a calm conversation with her, not matter how hard he tries.  He's so mired in his lack of control - built up over the years of her dominance and his enabling - that he doesn't even think straight half the time.

I feel awful for my parents, watching their kid train wreck his life. But they know it's not about them and they're hanging in there. I think, like me, they want to take over and do things for him, because he's so stupid, but of course none of us can do that.  I'm kind of glad they're so far away; although we talk a couple times a day, they're not getting too involved.

I'm doing a pretty good job of staying out of it, too, which I'm sure you can imagine is hard for me. Fortunately, she wouldn't dare call me, so I haven't had to engage her at all.  And J will take care of her if she harasses our family any more. I hope Bro can hold onto this great new job, stay sane, and make the right moves...I pray for him a lot. Not because I feel sorry for him, but because I'm just not sure he gets it yet.  He's still falling into all of her traps and buying into all of her bullshit.  He feels sorry for her, because she has no friends or family (literally) but doesn't see that she has created that life for herself.

Bottom line: He's an idiot, she's f*#@ing crazy.  You know, I watch a lot of crime drama, but the one continuous thought in my head is always "It's nice that this shit doesn't happen in real life."  Um, wrong.

ANYWAY...I didn't do very well with the short version, did I? I was so glad I was camping this weekend and wasn't here, because I probably would have gotten all involved where I shouldn't have. I was so proud of my son for the way he handled her; of course, at 17, he's just kind of amused by the whole thing.

I'd love to catch up on the phone this week, and promise not to talk only about this :)

Love you,
A

In Control, and Not

Hi, Amanda.

How’s everything in your world now that the boys are back in school? Do you have more or less stress with an empty house during the day? I assume JJ is playing football? What does that do to your evening schedule?...

I’m getting in the groove here but must admit I am having a hard time getting adjusted physically. Despite going to bed early, I snooze my alarm multiple times every morning. Thank goodness I’m still wearing my hair in a clip (can ONLY wear my hair in a clip, in fact, until I have a cut and some low lites put in!) and don’t require much time to get ready. I still have time for my morning coffee and can get to school in time…and then I go from there.

My class schedule is much different this year so that’s got me fucockta all the time too. After two weeks back I still don’t have a handle on things; I feel like I’m planning one day at a time, and I hate that. I’ve been at this too long to feel so frazzled. Eventually, I suppose, I’ll settle in.

How interesting…I think I just figured out why I’ve been so successful at keeping my house clean! I haven’t become a clean freak or anything, but I certainly have prevented the normal amount of entropy from occurring this week. I’m keeping everything as clean as it was last weekend…and it feels great! Anyway, I suppose it makes sense that I’m not feeling very in control at school, but here at home I have a handle on things. I’ll take that. Not a bad trade…

Hope all is well with you.

Love,
B

End-of-Summer Special

Hey there.

It's almost 6:30, and if I weren't in need of a shower that I am momentarily too lazy to take, I'd feel perfect. As it is, I'm feeling pretty damn good.

I woke up around 7:30, had my coffee and started cleaning an hour later. My kitchen came first, then the bathrooms, and my my living room. At 10 or so I ran out to the store for a few last minute things for my day with D (olives, pita chips, ginger ale: all things I had forgotten yesterday). I came home, made our Greek salad so it could marinate a while, got in my bathing suit, and waited for D to arrive. She got here around noon and we headed out to the pool, cocktails in hand.

We stayed outside for a few hours in near perfect, end-of-the-summer weather--one of those days that's more bright than hot. When the sun was out it was strong, but it took a few breaks behind the clouds, and there was no humidity but a nice breeze, so we spent most of the time in our cover-ups, but still. It was gorgeous and relaxing. (It helped that there weren't a lot of screaming, ill-behaved kids around today.) We read magazines and talked and visited with my pool friend A who stopped by to meet D and each had a second cocktail, eventually coming in for an early dinner. After a simple, no-cook dinner (falafel  and hummus sandwiches and Greek salad) we watched TV for a little bit and she left around 6.

And now, it's dusk. I'm enjoying the breeze and the sound of crickets through my windows while I sit in my clean living room, knowing that my kitchen that needs no clean-up and that I have another day to enjoy of summer before going back to work on Tuesday.

For now, I'm off to shower, so that I can be clean too, and can enjoy my sleep and my sheets tonight.

I hope you're having a good weekend, too.
xo,
Barb

PS It was great talking to you the other day.

Kind of Glad that Tomorrow is Monday

Hey there.

It's late Sunday night and I just realized that I didn't respond to your text yesterday. I was out with JJ at the time (driving) so I couldn't respond, then I forgot later. Sounds like a good time at the pool though...nice and quiet way to end the summer. If I'm not mistaken, you're back at school tomorrow? Sending you all good wishes for your first day.

Friday night, J left for a wildfire in southern WA, so we've had kind of a busy weekend. I was trying to help JJ rearrange/clean his room (which took two days, seriously) and do a major Goodwill sweep throughout the entire house. This, as well as get CK's birthday party together Friday night (very fun), a hair cut Saturday (great - much shorter), monthly Costco trip today ($$$), and dinner with S&T for the Emmy's tonight (relaxing) ... I'm just pretty tired.  Not to mention having a severe allergy attack from all the unsettling of dust all weekend.

Still, it was fun to spend all weekend with my boys;  M was helping us build shelves, and working on his own room, so the three of us were kind of hanging out. That's as good as it gets, I'm afraid :) Now, almost everything is sorted out and I don't have a ton left to do, but it's not all in order yet.  I just don't feel like I can start the school year with every closet a mess, drawers full of clothes that don't fit anyone...broken toys...you know what I mean.

Tomorrow, JJ is having a CAT scan for his sinuses and he's a little scared about it.  Afterwards, I'll take him out for lunch and maybe go to a movie. It's not such a big deal unless they tell us he has to have his adenoids taken out, in which case he's going to freak. He's never had surgery and isn't crazy about the idea.

I do think I know what you mean about the mood while W was visiting last week. I wanted to catch up with you on the phone but this week just got away from me. Honestly, I'm sure I had free time, I just don't know what I did with it. I had JJ's friend EN here all week (I was daycare), so not a lot of quiet time to talk.  I'm hoping that this week we'll be able to talk, even though I'm sure you'll be exhausted from starting school and listening to all those stupid motivational speakers. ;)

Give me a call when you get a minute to talk; I'd love to hear your voice and hear about W, D, and the first day of school.

Love you,
A

Every Little Thing is Gonna Be All Right?...

Hey there.

Sorry I haven’t written in a while…last week was a busy one, believe it or not. In fact, Thursday night my friend from the pool called. "Barb," she said, "I hope you're okay. I've been to the pool  3 or 4 times and haven't seen you." Okay, maybe that illustrates that I'm addicted to sitting by the pool as much as it tells how busy I was, but anyway. Last Monday I spent cleaning since D (cousin) was staying, and Tuesday was a long and exhausting day, mostly because we stayed up until 1:30 in the morning after I picked her up at 11 and we had to leave for chemo at 6:15 (which means we woke up at 5:30) in the morning to be there on time. When I got home at 4:30 on Tuesday afternoon I was worthless. But ready for W to come down on Wednesday morning.

So I got a good night’s sleep and was rested for W’s visit. We had a good time, but there were definitely some moments that made me a little sad. Well, maybe sad isn’t the right word, but they were tender and emotional and I shed a few tears. He’s been through so much lately; I wish I could do more for him. Anyway, if any of that makes sense to you, well, then you’re even smarter than I know. I guess I don’t know how to write about it. And even if I did, I might still be vague here. It’s something I’d rather talk about than put in writing.

As you know, it’s my last week of vacation and the weather sucks. It rained yesterday and today and isn’t supposed to clear up until Thursday, but at least the weekend will be nice. I can spend the last weekend before I go back to school by the pool, trying to convince myself that it’ll be okay, that once I get in the swing of things I’ll be just fine…Right?...

Love you,
Barb

Ho Hum Weekend

Hey, Barb.

Just read your post and remembered that you're going back to school earlier than we are. I still feel lazy-dazy, as if I'm in no hurry to get things done, still.  I did get all of JJ's school clothes and supplies, so maybe that's why I'm not feeling stressed. And, I have no real intention of picking up sub jobs right off the bat, so it's not like I have to start the breathing exercises.  I suppose the fact that you have crappy weather is a good thing...so you can be inside getting things in order, but really, you should have seven more straight days of sun.

Nothing much going on around here. Friday night we had S&T over, with another sort-of-new-to-us couple, who live down by my brother.  That was very fun, but I went completely off the food program for HCG and drank a bottle of wine to top it off.  Didn't regret it, just set me back, that's all. I'm not exactly doing a stellar job of following it this time anyway... I think I wasted a couple hundred bucks. Oh well.

We haven't done much the rest of the weekend. Tomorrow and for three more days next week, I am babysitting a friend of JJ's from school, trying to help his mom out a little. This could be a bit of a challenge as he and JJ don't always get along. This is my not being able to say no thing. Still, I did get out of Wednesday, so that will help. Then we still have another week before school starts.  At least having to be home with the boys this week will force me to get out the gazillion old photographs and start going through that pile for my parents' party video.  My dad sent me all these disks full of pictures, but they're in no particular order so filtering through them has been a bit of a chore. Like he's got his baby pictures on a disk with pictures from this past summer.  Hello.

M and I were going to see a movie today, but I just found out that it doesn't play during the day.  I could get started on the pictures, right?

Hope all is well with you,
Love you!  ~ A

Count the parenthetical phrases...wtf???

Good morning.

Thanks for the reinforcement and encouragement (yes, I did take it that way!) That is exactly how I feel. Less mired (perfect description), less negative. The drive to Seattle in the middle of the night episode was a pretty good test, in terms of staying calm, reasonable and kind. If I want my kids to feel they can come to me for anything, then I had better learn to behave in a way that creates a safe place for them to go when they do.

After I got off the phone with you, I assembled my party invitations while watching mindless TV. I was too afraid of messing up to watch a movie. I didn't end up in bed early, as planned, because I was dinking around, watering the lawn and cleaning up little messes here and there.  When J is gone, I'm not quite as OCD about housecleaning, but I'm still me. I just can't stand a dirty kitchen, a sticky floor, laundry that's not cycling through the process (i.e. the same freakin' load M put in Friday morning hadn't made it to the dryer yet, even though the dirty pile was ever growing. I hate having to do the bleach soak thing, then, because it's been sitting in there becoming some kind of bacterial science project in this heat.)

Anyway, I slept like a ROCK when I did get to bed, even with M coming in during the night. I always hear the garage door go up, which wakes - and keeps - me up. But not last night. I actually woke up this morning and had a little panic attack (tiny) that he might not have made it home. No worries, he's here.

This morning I have my first Mac class so I can learn their version of Excel, but other than that, no Mac Heaven for me today. I need to get the labels printed so the invites can get in the mail tomorrow (I know you won't come, but I'll send you one for fun anyway).  Since our weather isn't going to last, I'll spend the rest of the day in the yard, which is not a complaint. It's my version of sunbathing, since I don't have a pool. The excessive sweating doesn't seem to bother me as much when I know it's from physical labor, as opposed to when I'm sweating for no reason and I can't do anything about it.

I don't know if I told you that R landed in the hospital earlier this week with pancreatitis. He's home now, but I think he might have to have his gall bladder removed.  At any rate, he hasn't been on solid foods this week, and even when he started back up, he couldn't eat any fatty foods.  Until today.  In celebration, his son TN is having Porkapalooza (was that originally your word?) and M and I were invited for dinner.  S, T and the kids are camping, so it will be quiet and peaceful (oh, did I say that out loud?)

J and JJ both get home tomorrow, so things will return to normal (yay!). My little hiatus from marriage and mothering has been nice, but I miss my family. I miss my regular life.

Enjoy your Sunday (it sounds lovely; only I would think that about cleaning house).

Love you!
A

Morning Coffee

Good morning, Amanda.

Not a lot of time before I run off to the gym, but enough to drink a cup of coffee and write a paragraph or two. It was so great to talk to you yesterday; you really do seem to be doing well. If you were to ask me to describe it, I would say that besides being more positive, you are also more hopeful, less mired. And it wasn't just what you said, it was how you said it. You're voice was lighter. Like you've gotten out from under some of that negativity/feeling overwhelmed/feeling so tired all the time. I say this to congratulate you and encourage you to keep up the good work. I hope it has that effect.

After the gym I'll talk to D, and then have breakfast. I don't treat myself every Sunday in summer time, but today I think I will. It's cloudier than expected so I'll probably stay in and get to that housecleaning I mentioned--treating myself to a nice breakfast first will make me resent it less and will keep me from mindless snacking. I can't remember the last time I had mimosas but I still haven't decided if they'll be part of my day...All that OJ and me wasn't do well in my bathing suits; it was one of my summer modifications.

Other than that, just looking forward to the Food Network Star finale tonight. In fact, I can't wait!

I hope you have a fun day planned...maybe you'll spend it in Mac heaven?...

Love you,
Barb

Almost Perfect

Hey there.

So glad you are able to have fun amid the insanity. Your dinners sound delightful. That JK! Gotta love Food Network! Tell her next time I visit I'd be happy to be a dinner guest and experience her culinary prowess.

Newport was great--a nice change of (beautiful) scenery and just enough time away. I had lots of fun with the kids, did some shopping, had some good meals out, some good meals at home, had time to read, time by the pool ...that is, all my favorite things. It was a great vacation. Next time we talk I'd love to discuss the elements that kept it from being perfect, aside from having cold sores, but for now want to stick with the feel good description of my few days away.

Now that I'm back, with three weeks left of vacation, I'm on the verge of end-of-summer panic, which manifests as entire days by the pool--vs. 2, 3 or 4 hours, which does the trick all during July. I began the transition yesterday, staying out for 5 hours. I came in only because I had errands to do (my half and half went sour while I was away and needed a few other groceries, like more coffee) and just enough time to do them before plans to talk to J (HS bff). Today I'm going to stop by my mom's and do my errands first, then I can stay out by the pool as long as I want. I plan to finish the last 100 pages of my book and start another--and probably clock 6 hours there. As if it's a job. I know. It's ridiculous/lazy/overkill, but I LOVE IT. I am so at peace there.

Looking forward to having you here sometime next summer to share some of that Zen time with me...but I promise I won't make you do it for an entire day!

Let's talk soon!
Love, Barb

Fun Amid Familial Insanity

Dear Barb,

I've decided I need to write an anonymous blog, where I can vent about my insane family without any of them reading it. A place where I can rant and rave and work out all my aggression and frustration without dumping it all here, or wasting good therapy money on them. I'm seriously going to lose my mind if my brother's drama doesn't end - or at least take a turn for anything more productive/positive/healthy - very soon.

Intellectually, I know that his problems are not mine, and I can't fix them. I know that I am wasting precious energy and time getting angry, or dropping my jaw in disbelief at either a) how crazy she is or 2) how stupid he is to not see it.  I'm at the point where I'm actually afraid for him - maybe not physically, but I think she could disappear with those kids, and he's too flippin' stupid to see that so he won't get an attorney. She's making suicide threats (Really? Here, you can borrow my steak knife.) and threats to "destroy" him and his new job (he just got a GREAT new job) - I mean, she's just plain freakin' nuts.

Anyway, I keep allowing him to drag me into it (because I think I want to help him) but  I end up twisted up with anger every time we talk. I just can't seem to extract myself the way I'd like to, partly because I really am afraid of what she's capable of, and I'm kind of protective of him. (ya think?) Now she's reading all his texts and emails and going through his shit and throwing tantrums every time he talks to anyone...and he just keeps telling me she's a good person. Good Lord.

So I'm thinking I might create a rant blog about in-laws. I already have two people who want to do a guest post; in-laws seem to be a hot button. :)

This weekend has been good otherwise. I had dinner Friday night with CK across the street. JK cooked the entire meal and it was awesome! Oh! Except I offered to bring the salad and I made your Greek salad.  It was a huge hit :) Thanks!  I got home fairly early and spent an hour and a half on the phone with KN (Bro's not-really-girlfriend) since we couldn't seem to coordinate a call any other time. We had a great conversation beyond BroJ about getting together in the spring with other girlfriends from highschool, then got to reminiscing about Princess Diana's wedding in light of Prince William's upcoming marriage. Mostly, it was nice not to talk only about my supremely dysfunctional brother. We can't decide where we're going on our trip, but I am so looking forward to a long weekend away with the three of them. I feel so fortunate to have maintained those friendships over so many years.

Saturday was really pretty great. I woke up late, to a text from S&T saying they were making scones and would I like to come for coffee? So I walked over there in my pjs and we sat around jaw-jacking for a couple of hours before S got a wild hair to go to the Saturday market. The two of us headed down there and left the kids with T (I love that guy).  We bought several plants and some breads and rolls from the bakery, then wandered around looking at all the crafts and things. We haven't been yet this year, so it was really nice. Later in the afternoon it started to rain, so I bagged planting the plants and curled up on the couch to watch "Up In The Air" with George Clooney. It totally ruined my mood so I took a long, hot bath and listened to classical music until it was time to get ready for dinner :)

S, T and I were invited over to K&R's for dinner - crab, salmon and ribs, no, I wasn't stuffed - because K's niece was staying with them for the weekend (the one whose mom just died). It was very fun and we had a great time getting to know her niece. Played a little Wii and got home before ten.

Today I took JJ to see the Blue Angels and that was awesome, as always. We haven't been in a few years, so he didn't really remember much of it. It was like I was taking him for the first time and I got a big kick out of how much he loved it. He's got TA and my nephew AJ over now, and the three of them all have model fighter jets; JJ of course, has his new Blue Angel. I keep hearing their voices "Control Tower, this is Blue Angel Number 4, do you copy?" ... "Roger, Blue Angel, ready for takeoff." and I'm sitting here with a big smile on my face. 

I'm going to try my hand at Pad Thai tonight, just from a packet mix, but it's a start. M's bf, IL, is in cooking school and will teach me how to do the real thing from scratch, but I had a craving so I thought I'd try this for now.

Tomorrow I'm meeting my old college friend AH (you remember her from my wedding - husband turned out gay...?) for lunch and shopping, then not much on the books for the rest of the week. I'm starting my second round of HCG tomorrow with my friend JR, so I'll try to keep the socializing to a minimum to aid my success.

Hope you've had a good week and an even better weekend.

Love you,
A

Have Fun!

Hey there...

How nice it was to catch up this afternoon! I know you won't be writing for a few days so I just wanted to wish you a wonderful trip. You can always Facebook, you know, if you want a quicker way to communicate while you're gone. One that takes up less time on the beach, I mean.

Love you!
A

My Fifteen Minutes of Alone Time

Hey,

Thanks for the long post this afternoon. I only just now had a chance to sit down and read, as I've been with the family since I got up this morning. So much to talk about...I'd love to sit down and chat on the phone. This morning I was supposed to have a phone date with my friend K (from highschool) but my parents showed up two hours early and totally blew that.

We took them, my brother and his kids (minus CC) with us to the Scottish Highland Games today. Lots of bagpipe bands and Scottish dancing competitions and such. It was actually really, really fun. My parents loved it. We got back here around 7 and I had to take JJ to a friend's house. When I got back, everyone had Chinese food waiting. We ate and visited some more until I just needed to sit out on my deck by myself for awhile...no such luck. My bro came out and sat with me, followed by my parents...oh, good Lord! Leave me a lone for a minute! It's 10:00 now and BroJ just left, carting the rents with him. My own J is out on a drowning on the lake and has been most of the evening, so I am finally alone. Ok, if you don't count M and his buddy blasting crazy club dance music upstairs. I'll take that.

Anyway...just a quick catch-you-up:

The AA meeting has been a long time in coming. I had strep throat this week so I think I thought it would be a good time to quit drinking, since it hurts like hell anyway. I ended up not going to another meeting, but a fairly new friend of mine goes to AA and she has offered to take me to her women-only meeting on Monday night. I do have a drinking problem, I'm convinced of that. Sometimes it scares me, sometimes I just think I ought to do something about it.

Things with J just haven't been great lately and I'm working on that with MC.  A lot of it is how I deal with things and how I react to his behavior (over which I have no control - imagine!) It has been difficult on our marriage having M back here, to say the least. My anger and resentment issues toward K come out all kinds of sideways on everyone but K, since the bastard's dead and I can't take it out on him. I know I'm doing it and I'm working on it, but some days are better than others.

My relationship with M is good and bad, depending on the day, the hour, sometimes the minute. It's hard to explain. I just don't trust it; it can turn in a heartbeat, in a word --- and I won't have any idea what happened. One minute we'll be laughing and getting along and then next minute I've said something that sets him off like a bomb and we're yelling at each other.  Then the hatred I feel towards his dad eats me alive, until I try to share my frustration with J, who then tells me what I did wrong and what I should have done instead.

At which point I start drinking, until I end up at an AA meeting.

That was brilliant, no? That wrap-it-all up ending? I crack myself up.

Other than that, I'm feeling much better from the antibiotics and tomorrow is kind of a slow day. The guys are all playing golf in the morning so my mom should show up for coffee at some point. She'll hang out with me all day - we may go see a movie - then BLU is coming for a barbecue. BroJ and family were invited too, of course but SCC (she used to be CC , but now she's Super CC) is refusing to come because she says I hate her. That's a whole nother story and there just isn't enough wine here to cover that. 

Monday morning I have a half hour drive to see MC so maybe I can call you then and I can hear about J (am I thinking J, as in highschool???) I'm glad you and D had such a great visit. And I'm very sad about W and how is family is handling this. Between my ex husband dying and K's sister dying, I've seen way more family dysfunction because of death than I ever knew existed.  It's awful that people have to go through that.  He's lucky to have you there to support him.

Also, happy to hear that your uncle is on the upswing. That's very good news, even if it is a long haul. Takes some pressure off D, too, I'm sure.

Looking forward to hearing lots of details in the form of your voice soon,
Love,
A

Good, Good, and Ugly

Hey, Amanda.

I'm feeling so out of touch with you!... I wonder what's going on with J, didn't realize things were not going very well (volatile I think you called it) with M, you threw me for a loop about going to an AA meeting, and I'm curious if this visit from your parents is the one your mom decided to take to check in with your brother after the conversation you had with them in California. Quite a list of things I need more details about, girlfriend, wouldn't you say?

Not much to report here, although I should fill you in on W's mom and D's visit. Oh, and my uncle is in rehab now so that's a good thing too. I'll get more details when I take my cousin D to chemo on Tuesday, but just knowing he's out of the hospital and in a rehab facility is huge. He spent 5 (6?) weeks in a medically induced coma and  2  in a step down unit, and things were pretty uncertain at times, but finally he's in rehab. Definitely good news, although a long road ahead. He went in for heart surgery and came out with a colostomy bag and on dialysis. Whoa.

D's visit was great. She arrived at lunch time on Saturday; after three days here (S, S, M) we headed to Boston on Tuesday morning. We stayed overnight (got a late check out) and she flew home at 4:45 from Boston. It would have been nice to have another day, but because it gave us enough time to hang out here and visit Boston, it ended up being perfect. We had plenty of time just the two of us, visited with my parents, visited with L (she came up for a girls' day: pool time followed by dinner out) and then got a chance to see W in Boston too. (OMG I also saw J--yes, That J, while I was shopping and D was napping...more on that later.) Really, it was a perfect vacation for D--and for me.

As you know, W's mom passed away on Monday...and the services--all of them: viewing, service, burial--are today. Amanda, it has been a week of bickering, a dysfunctional family fiasco. I just want for it to be over for him, for all of them, so they can actually mourn and learn to be without her. I want to talk to W and know he is sad, not just pissed off at yet another thing or person in his family Really. It's been crazy. I'm not attending (easier for me not to be there and need to be taken care of/introduced/ in the way) and am okay with that. I offered and was willing, of course, but W and I decided that what's most important is getting through this with his family, and I agree. Honestly, after the way the week played out, I'm happy to be distant from it.

I think the J story is better told in conversation so you can insert all the OMGs and questions you want as I tell all the details as I remember them...so I'll wait for us to have a chance to talk. I'm poolside today (okay, now I feel awful that I'll be working on a tan while W is burying his mother), and around tomorrow and Monday. Monday night I'm sleeping at D's, Tuesday is chemo, and Wednesday afternoon I head to Newport. I'll have my cell though and alone time, so if we can't catch up in the next couple of days, maybe we can talk then.

Hope you're hanging in there...Miss you!

Love,
Barb

Promise

Hey, A,

Promise to write tomorrow morning while I have my morning coffee...

Love,
Barb

Susie Sunshine

Hey there.

I just realized that D is visiting with you now, so you may not be reading this week. At any rate, I hope you have a great time together!

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle and W's mom.  Crappy news all around. J's sister isn't doing well either, but mostly it's that she has become a royal b***h and is intolerable to be around.  She treats those who care for her like s**t and no one has the guts to just leave her sitting there stewing in her own crankiness.

Things around here are ok - I started back with MC and MC2 today, which was a good thing. I had a complete breakdown with MC and we decided that it was time for me to hit an AA meeting. I drank heavily both Friday and Saturday night, resulting in just feeling awful (mentally and physically) for the entire weekend. Sooo...this afternoon I picked a meeting to go to, when no one would notice if I left for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, it was every stereotyped nightmare I had imagined.

I pulled up to some grange hall and parked between two mud-caked pickup trucks, one with a rebel flag on it. Inside, there were six middle-aged men wearing things like leather Nascar jackets, Penzoil ball caps and steel-toed boots.  No women. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I know, I should have stayed. I should have at least listened, or something. But I felt like I had accidentally stepped into a bad reality show, standing there in my white capris and gold bangles, holding my venti iced chai and my Coach purse. I started to panic. MC promised me that there would be people there "just like me". That I would feel safe. Yeah, not so much. There are other meetings I can go to around here; I shouldn't give up after one bad moment, I know.  Maybe I'll try to hit the one at 7 tonight up here closer to my house, if I can come up with a good alibi.

Anyway.

That's what's going on. Things with J aren't getting any better. Things with M are still volatile and cause me to be nervous all the time. At least I'm back on my magic potion now and starting my second round of HCG on Monday.  If I can just get through this week with my parents visiting, all will be good.  I soooooo wish they weren't coming :(

Enough from Debbie Downer. Enjoy your time with D this week and hopefully we can catch up when our houseguests are all gone.

Love you!
A