Catching Up

Hey, Barb.

Sorry for the lapse in writing...seems to be a pattern with me. I write furiously every day for weeks, then I can't think of a single thing to say. Or find any desire to say it.

I've had kind of a down week, compared to the more positively colored ones I've been enjoying since I discovered my naturopath.  I haven't written much about the changes I've experienced, but they've been huge. Coupled with my weekly sessions with MC, I've made some great progress.  I am feeling strong and balanced and capable and pretty much I am Woman, Hear Me Roar.  The thing is, over the years, with the help of my ridiculously low self worth, I've created this totally stupid and helpless wife persona.  Now that I'm ready to change it, and actually be the smart, educated, capable woman that I am, I'm struggling horribly with J.  Not because he's doing anything wrong, but because he's not in on my little secret - about being the person I really am on the inside - so he's still treating me like always.  AND IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!!!

I would love to write more about it, but it's already 9:30 and I'm zonked, so maybe tomorrow. I mentally wrote something yesterday that I will try to put on paper in the morning.  I have already decided not to work tomorrow, since J will be home in the afternoon. I just want to enjoy the house to myself a little longer.

This week, I got a taste of what it must be like to be a single working mom, and I'm exhausted.  I'm not whining, it's just that I'm not used to working at a paying job all day, then still doing all the things I normally do with JJ after school, and get all the stuff done that I normally do during the day.  Quite frankly, it sucks.  I am just not a person who needs to "have it all". I don't need a career and kids and to be attached to my Blackberry 24/7 to be "satisfied". I'm really good with my job: my one kid, my one husband, my one household and an occasional part-time gig that puts a little cash in the bank.  I used to feel guilty, like I was shorting the entire female half of the human race, by not wanting more than this.  But I don't. And that's ok.  And guess what else I've come to accept? I'm really good at my job. 

However.....the paying job is just that: paying. So, for now, I'm going to buck up and be grateful that I am employable (on some level) and that there is work for me to do.  Instead of complaining about it.

Complete topic change: Have you read "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett?  Both my mom and JB fell in love with it, and my book club chose it for this month. I was so excited to read something I actually wanted to read that I started it immediately...and now I have two weeks left before we meet again and only one chapter left to read!

I have to say, it's one of the best books I have read in a very long time.  It is gorgeously written, and a debut novel, no less. The story is so intricate, and so human; I can't get enough of it.  It's the kind of book you can't put down, but you force yourself to, because if you don't, it will end.

Ok, off to bed now...so I can read that last chapter.  JJ had a very big day today and we will have to get up a little early tomorrow because of it - he got his first pair of contact lenses today :)  But, it did take him awhile to get them in, so I thought I'd leave a little extra time for that in the morning.

I swear, I am such a sap. I'm in the bathroom, teaching him how to put them in, take them out, clean them, bla, bla, bla.... and I'm pretty sure the way I was feeling about it was how I would feel if he were my daughter and she had just gotten her first period.  What a dork I am.  He's so cute...all grown up-like...

On that little warm fuzzy, I wish you a good morning and a Happy Friday.

Love you,
A