What a week! It was busy, it was stressful, but it was good. My dad is well, D is responding positively to chemo, S turned 11 and I am one week closer to my next vacation. Meanwhile, the weather this weekend is supposed to be summer-like, so for two days I can pretend I already am on summer vacation.
As you know, I was on the fence about going to S’s party since I’ve already seen her, but D is thinking of going and I thought it might be nice to enjoy the nice weather there—with her and everyone else. It will be a perfect day for the party, and I would stay over…able, therefore, to enjoy Sunday on L’s deck as well. I hope D will join me for the overnight, and hope the offer influences her to go. That way if she gets tired during the party she can just crash when she’s ready. She can’t drive herself and is going along with her brother and sister-in-law; I will give her a ride home Sunday. I think I’m in the perfect mood to enjoy the weather and the company and a little time away from my own space.
I guess a change of pace it what I’m after because next week promises to be just as busy as this. In classes I’m starting new units in both Biology and A&P and I have my NHS induction in a couple of weeks so the pressure is on there. Fortunately, this time around I’ve been through it once already and know what to expect. Even better is that I’ll be done with it all a month earlier than last year.
No steak tonight, just comfy clothes and a couple of cocktails. Yummy (homemade) leftovers await, as does a bottle of Riesling and maybe a movie on demand.
Hope you have a good Friday night on deck and a weekend in store, too…
Love,
Barb
PS I am officially a Gleek. (“I swear my cat is reading my diary.”)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunshine... with a few clouds
Hey, Amanda.
It’s okay to be upset when you’re trying so hard to do right by JJ…but it’s a little difficult to respond in writing. This would be a great topic for us to discuss on the phone. That way I can ask a few questions and do my best to be a supportive friend and an objective teacher. Maybe over the weekend?....
S has her birthday party this weekend but I am going to see her today, her actual birthday, so I think I will pass on the party. I have done that in the past. I get to spend time with her this way; at her party she will play with the kids and I won’t get any one-on-one time. I’ll put the feelers out tonight when I’m there. If L needs me to help out, then I’ll probably go. I’ll let you know for sure so maybe we can plan a phone call.
I’m looking forward to our princess pedicures this afternoon. I can already imagine the look on her face when I pick her up at school with a Mylar birthday balloon. I’m such a dork, I even took extra time to wear a top five outfit and wear my hair down. I want the kids at school to see S’s fancy aunt pick her up; I want her to be proud. Not sure where we’re going for dinner, but I’m sure it will be fun.
Unlike tomorrow…and the waiting that will follow until my Dad gets his results.
Hope you are having a good week.
Love You,
Barb
It’s okay to be upset when you’re trying so hard to do right by JJ…but it’s a little difficult to respond in writing. This would be a great topic for us to discuss on the phone. That way I can ask a few questions and do my best to be a supportive friend and an objective teacher. Maybe over the weekend?....
S has her birthday party this weekend but I am going to see her today, her actual birthday, so I think I will pass on the party. I have done that in the past. I get to spend time with her this way; at her party she will play with the kids and I won’t get any one-on-one time. I’ll put the feelers out tonight when I’m there. If L needs me to help out, then I’ll probably go. I’ll let you know for sure so maybe we can plan a phone call.
I’m looking forward to our princess pedicures this afternoon. I can already imagine the look on her face when I pick her up at school with a Mylar birthday balloon. I’m such a dork, I even took extra time to wear a top five outfit and wear my hair down. I want the kids at school to see S’s fancy aunt pick her up; I want her to be proud. Not sure where we’re going for dinner, but I’m sure it will be fun.
Unlike tomorrow…and the waiting that will follow until my Dad gets his results.
Hope you are having a good week.
Love You,
Barb
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Ranting and Raving
Hey there.
Before I start my little rant here, let me just apologize ahead of time if I'm the parent you, as a teacher, hate. I'm trying to keep my teacher hat on while I deal with my own kid and his teacher, but it's a difficult balance.
I just had the most unsettling meeting with JJ's math/science teacher and I came out of there fuming. She was completely rude to me, totally unhelpful and then, on top of it, had this attitude that made me feel like she hates my kid.
Argh! I'm writing here because otherwise I might email the principal and I know that's not the right thing to do. I just don't know how to handle her. Part of me thinks it's so close to the end of the year, why bother? But then there are still eight weeks left...and he has to go in there every day and be a failure because, in part, she's not doing much to help him (us) be successful.
In 6th grade, having just come from the elementary school where parent-teacher communication rocked, these kids are suddenly expected to be 100% responsible for everything. I think it's unreasonable to expect that they can make this leap without any help, so I'm all about keeping up with his binder, checking on line every day for missing work, emailing his teachers, etc. I try really hard not to babysit him, I hold him accountable as much as I possibly can, and I make every effort not to be a helicopter mom.
But I went in there this morning to collect some work, and she got all pissy with me, asking where JJ was and why he wasn't with me; usually we do these things with the student, he could answer all these questions if he were here, [he's just playing you]. Well, beotch, he's home with a fever and a sinus infection, so I thought I'd get some of this work to make up and redo, while he's out. Sorry for trying to be a good parent. Here I am, showing up at 7:00, all organized and shit, all my questions ready, busting my butt to help him make changes, and she treats me like I'm making things worse by trying to help him.
I'm so frustrated!! His other core teacher (LA/SS) was all ready to meet with me, had his progress report printed out, packets of things to redo already made up - and he was friendly, positive, and helpful. Even when he said things like, "There's nothing unusual about JJ sitting and doing nothing for long periods of time", I felt like he was trying to give me information, not judging my kid. (And I'm the first person to tell you that JJ has the attention span of a gnat, so I really appreciate when other people can see that, just because he isn't paying attention, it doesn't mean he's a bad kid.) This teacher clearly wants to help JJ, sets aside the time to work with me...is that asking too much? I mean, my God! What about all those sh***y kids whose parents never come out of the woodwork for anything other than to sue the school when they suddenly realize their 5th grader can't read (true story!)???
I went to this seminar a few years ago, and although it was 80% Motivational Speaker, there was some value to what the guy espoused. He believed that while due dates are important, the real goal in education is that the student learns the material. Period. If that's true, then a student should be able to redo an assignment until it's right and the skill is mastered. I agree, no teacher has the time to correct a million re-dos, coming in every day, all year long. But JJ's teacher's alternative to that just doesn't sit right with me. She told me "I make 10 extra copies of each assignment. Once they're gone, they're gone. So if he didn't get one while they were in the basket, he can't make up it up." Really? You can't make one more copy? Here, give me the original, I'll go make it for you. I KNOW he's supposed to get it while it's in the basket, but the fact is that he DIDN'T, and I'd like to HELP him make that right. Do I suck???
Ok, enough of me. I just want to scream. Partly because this woman is a b***h and partly because my kid is a problem student and I have no idea what it is I'm supposed to be doing to help him change that. I'm trying to be the parent that cares, that wants to help the teacher have a better experience with my child, blah, blah, blah. I try to be the parent I wanted to work with when I was teaching. I feel like I'm at the school all the time, I feel like I'm on him 24/7 about his work, I feel like I'm as involved as I can possibly be, in all the ways they tell us parents are supposed to be. Still, I feel like I'm treading water. Barely.
Suggestions. Ms. K?
Wow...hope you're having a good day :)
Before I start my little rant here, let me just apologize ahead of time if I'm the parent you, as a teacher, hate. I'm trying to keep my teacher hat on while I deal with my own kid and his teacher, but it's a difficult balance.
I just had the most unsettling meeting with JJ's math/science teacher and I came out of there fuming. She was completely rude to me, totally unhelpful and then, on top of it, had this attitude that made me feel like she hates my kid.
Argh! I'm writing here because otherwise I might email the principal and I know that's not the right thing to do. I just don't know how to handle her. Part of me thinks it's so close to the end of the year, why bother? But then there are still eight weeks left...and he has to go in there every day and be a failure because, in part, she's not doing much to help him (us) be successful.
In 6th grade, having just come from the elementary school where parent-teacher communication rocked, these kids are suddenly expected to be 100% responsible for everything. I think it's unreasonable to expect that they can make this leap without any help, so I'm all about keeping up with his binder, checking on line every day for missing work, emailing his teachers, etc. I try really hard not to babysit him, I hold him accountable as much as I possibly can, and I make every effort not to be a helicopter mom.
But I went in there this morning to collect some work, and she got all pissy with me, asking where JJ was and why he wasn't with me; usually we do these things with the student, he could answer all these questions if he were here, [he's just playing you]. Well, beotch, he's home with a fever and a sinus infection, so I thought I'd get some of this work to make up and redo, while he's out. Sorry for trying to be a good parent. Here I am, showing up at 7:00, all organized and shit, all my questions ready, busting my butt to help him make changes, and she treats me like I'm making things worse by trying to help him.
I'm so frustrated!! His other core teacher (LA/SS) was all ready to meet with me, had his progress report printed out, packets of things to redo already made up - and he was friendly, positive, and helpful. Even when he said things like, "There's nothing unusual about JJ sitting and doing nothing for long periods of time", I felt like he was trying to give me information, not judging my kid. (And I'm the first person to tell you that JJ has the attention span of a gnat, so I really appreciate when other people can see that, just because he isn't paying attention, it doesn't mean he's a bad kid.) This teacher clearly wants to help JJ, sets aside the time to work with me...is that asking too much? I mean, my God! What about all those sh***y kids whose parents never come out of the woodwork for anything other than to sue the school when they suddenly realize their 5th grader can't read (true story!)???
I went to this seminar a few years ago, and although it was 80% Motivational Speaker, there was some value to what the guy espoused. He believed that while due dates are important, the real goal in education is that the student learns the material. Period. If that's true, then a student should be able to redo an assignment until it's right and the skill is mastered. I agree, no teacher has the time to correct a million re-dos, coming in every day, all year long. But JJ's teacher's alternative to that just doesn't sit right with me. She told me "I make 10 extra copies of each assignment. Once they're gone, they're gone. So if he didn't get one while they were in the basket, he can't make up it up." Really? You can't make one more copy? Here, give me the original, I'll go make it for you. I KNOW he's supposed to get it while it's in the basket, but the fact is that he DIDN'T, and I'd like to HELP him make that right. Do I suck???
Ok, enough of me. I just want to scream. Partly because this woman is a b***h and partly because my kid is a problem student and I have no idea what it is I'm supposed to be doing to help him change that. I'm trying to be the parent that cares, that wants to help the teacher have a better experience with my child, blah, blah, blah. I try to be the parent I wanted to work with when I was teaching. I feel like I'm at the school all the time, I feel like I'm on him 24/7 about his work, I feel like I'm as involved as I can possibly be, in all the ways they tell us parents are supposed to be. Still, I feel like I'm treading water. Barely.
Suggestions. Ms. K?
Wow...hope you're having a good day :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Romantic Getaway...Full Steam Ahead
Hey, you.
I know you probably won't read until W goes home, but I thought I'd say hello before I take off this afternoon. I got M off at the airport ok last night but stayed up late to write, and now, at 7:30 am, I'm ready to go back to bed!
I'll probably grab a few little snacky things this morning to take with us - it's a rustic log cabin with a full kitchen, but we're not planning to do much cooking. There are a couple of nice restaurants nearby, but I think we'll do breakfast at "home".
I'll bring a couple of board games, my book...I feel like I should be a knitter. This would be a perfect time to knit. This time of year, the weather is pretty unpredictable up there, so it could be gorgeous and it could be miserable. Or, it could be both. There are hiking trails, etc...should be fun.
Nothing else going on around here. Wishing you and W a wonderful weekend (wow, what whacky words!)
Love you,
A
I know you probably won't read until W goes home, but I thought I'd say hello before I take off this afternoon. I got M off at the airport ok last night but stayed up late to write, and now, at 7:30 am, I'm ready to go back to bed!
I'll probably grab a few little snacky things this morning to take with us - it's a rustic log cabin with a full kitchen, but we're not planning to do much cooking. There are a couple of nice restaurants nearby, but I think we'll do breakfast at "home".
I'll bring a couple of board games, my book...I feel like I should be a knitter. This would be a perfect time to knit. This time of year, the weather is pretty unpredictable up there, so it could be gorgeous and it could be miserable. Or, it could be both. There are hiking trails, etc...should be fun.
Nothing else going on around here. Wishing you and W a wonderful weekend (wow, what whacky words!)
Love you,
A
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful
Hey there.
Your romantic getaway with J sounds perfect --and perfect timing. I'm looking forward to my visit with W beginning tomorrow, but have a busy day today to get through first. At least I'm over the toughest part of the week: chemo with D.
Actually that's not quite accurate. The treatment part of the day was good. D's daughter came with since she was on vacation; I knew what to expect; D didn't have any appointments prior to infusion; we didn't have to do a lot of waiting around. We were in at 9 and out by 2:30 and back at my aunt and uncle's at 3:30. The toughest part of the day came at about 4:30, half way through Oprah when we headed out to the garage so that my uncle could shave her head.
Despite initial promises that this time around chemo wouldn't have as many side effects and she wouldn't lose her hair, she is constantly nauseous, has a perpetual metallic taste in her mouth, and was losing her hair. Last week she held out hope that she wouldn't lose it all, and she went and had a short haircut so that her thinning hair wouldn't be quite as noticeable. But she continued to lose her hair and was finding it everywhere--her pillow, her clothes, sometimes her mouth. Yesterday in the shower it was coming out in clumps when the water hit it. She never got to put shampoo in. Despite having gone through this before, it was still upsetting. She cried. And she and her daughter decided that maybe it was time to take off the rest.
So a little while after we got home, we all went out to the garage. I fashioned a cape out of a garbage bag and put it over D's head while L held her hand and my uncle got the clippers out and my aunt stood by. D was the first to cry, which was our permission to let out a few of the tears we were all determined to hold back.
When all the hair was gone, after L and I checked and got rid of any strays my uncle had missed, my uncle was the first to lean over and kiss and hold her on the head, and through his tears say "Still beautiful. I love you." Then my aunt. Then L. Then me. L then tied a scarf on her head as I swept up the hair and my aunt took care of the clippers.
I hope that never again in my life I have to witness something so painful, beautiful, hopeful, and heart-wrenching. At once it was natural--D again, and still, their vulnerable daughter--and unnatural, for a father should never have to shave his daughter's head. Parents shouldn't have to see their children suffer horrible illness.
I stayed for dinner, two hours around the table that passed in a minute. I thought I would break down when I got in the car, but I didn't. Until just now. But there's no time to wallow....I have laundry to do and meatballs to make and lunch plans with C to cancel. At 3 I have a nail appoitnment, after which I'll stop by my parents' house and have an early dinner with them. Today will be a breeze.
Enjoy the rest of your week and especially your weekend with J...
Love you,
Barb
Your romantic getaway with J sounds perfect --and perfect timing. I'm looking forward to my visit with W beginning tomorrow, but have a busy day today to get through first. At least I'm over the toughest part of the week: chemo with D.
Actually that's not quite accurate. The treatment part of the day was good. D's daughter came with since she was on vacation; I knew what to expect; D didn't have any appointments prior to infusion; we didn't have to do a lot of waiting around. We were in at 9 and out by 2:30 and back at my aunt and uncle's at 3:30. The toughest part of the day came at about 4:30, half way through Oprah when we headed out to the garage so that my uncle could shave her head.
Despite initial promises that this time around chemo wouldn't have as many side effects and she wouldn't lose her hair, she is constantly nauseous, has a perpetual metallic taste in her mouth, and was losing her hair. Last week she held out hope that she wouldn't lose it all, and she went and had a short haircut so that her thinning hair wouldn't be quite as noticeable. But she continued to lose her hair and was finding it everywhere--her pillow, her clothes, sometimes her mouth. Yesterday in the shower it was coming out in clumps when the water hit it. She never got to put shampoo in. Despite having gone through this before, it was still upsetting. She cried. And she and her daughter decided that maybe it was time to take off the rest.
So a little while after we got home, we all went out to the garage. I fashioned a cape out of a garbage bag and put it over D's head while L held her hand and my uncle got the clippers out and my aunt stood by. D was the first to cry, which was our permission to let out a few of the tears we were all determined to hold back.
When all the hair was gone, after L and I checked and got rid of any strays my uncle had missed, my uncle was the first to lean over and kiss and hold her on the head, and through his tears say "Still beautiful. I love you." Then my aunt. Then L. Then me. L then tied a scarf on her head as I swept up the hair and my aunt took care of the clippers.
I hope that never again in my life I have to witness something so painful, beautiful, hopeful, and heart-wrenching. At once it was natural--D again, and still, their vulnerable daughter--and unnatural, for a father should never have to shave his daughter's head. Parents shouldn't have to see their children suffer horrible illness.
I stayed for dinner, two hours around the table that passed in a minute. I thought I would break down when I got in the car, but I didn't. Until just now. But there's no time to wallow....I have laundry to do and meatballs to make and lunch plans with C to cancel. At 3 I have a nail appoitnment, after which I'll stop by my parents' house and have an early dinner with them. Today will be a breeze.
Enjoy the rest of your week and especially your weekend with J...
Love you,
Barb
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mundane Week with Happy Ending in Sight!
Hey there.
Today was really busy and I'm beat - even though it's 11:00 and I could have probably gone to bed an hour ago if I hadn't been sucked into Facebook. I went two days without even logging in, then the minute I do, I can't get out.
I worked at my new job today and really enjoyed it. It's very different from a regular classroom in some ways, the same in others. One thing I like is the tutor-student ratio (4:1)...and the fact that they're all pretty self-motivated. I will see it through the end of the year but am not sure I will reapply for the fall; the hours are kind of whacky and from what I hear from other tutors, we need to be super flexible - as in, show up and be ok with it if we get sent home because class was cancelled, that sort of thing.
Before work, I made all the food for my book club dinner tonight and got most of the house cleaned, but when I walked in the door at 3:30 I still had a bunch to do before everyone arrived at 5:00. I refused to rush, and ended up not getting to the dusting...and thought, so what? No one really cares. Period. Big step for me. We read The Body Finder this month so Kim was our "Guest Author" and that was really fun. Most of us know her, but a few didn't, so there were lots of great questions.
Tomorrow I have a Dr's appt for M, a mile-high pile of ironing and some errands to run, then baseball in the evening. Thursday, work, then Friday J and I are going away for the weekend. M leaves Thursday night for Mississippi for his dad's memorial service there, so we thought it would be a good time to take our gift certificate from two years ago to this spa resort near Mt. Rainier. JJ's all set to spend the weekend with a b-ball teammate, and J and are looking forward to getting away and regrouping from M's re-entry (not that it has been bad). I didn't even book a massage, or a sauna - I'm thinking a little sleeping in, some good food and much needed cuddling....
Back home Sunday afternoon, hopefully rejuvenated and ready to go again. I know you have fun weekend plans too, so I'll be thinking of you!
Love you,
A
Today was really busy and I'm beat - even though it's 11:00 and I could have probably gone to bed an hour ago if I hadn't been sucked into Facebook. I went two days without even logging in, then the minute I do, I can't get out.
I worked at my new job today and really enjoyed it. It's very different from a regular classroom in some ways, the same in others. One thing I like is the tutor-student ratio (4:1)...and the fact that they're all pretty self-motivated. I will see it through the end of the year but am not sure I will reapply for the fall; the hours are kind of whacky and from what I hear from other tutors, we need to be super flexible - as in, show up and be ok with it if we get sent home because class was cancelled, that sort of thing.
Before work, I made all the food for my book club dinner tonight and got most of the house cleaned, but when I walked in the door at 3:30 I still had a bunch to do before everyone arrived at 5:00. I refused to rush, and ended up not getting to the dusting...and thought, so what? No one really cares. Period. Big step for me. We read The Body Finder this month so Kim was our "Guest Author" and that was really fun. Most of us know her, but a few didn't, so there were lots of great questions.
Tomorrow I have a Dr's appt for M, a mile-high pile of ironing and some errands to run, then baseball in the evening. Thursday, work, then Friday J and I are going away for the weekend. M leaves Thursday night for Mississippi for his dad's memorial service there, so we thought it would be a good time to take our gift certificate from two years ago to this spa resort near Mt. Rainier. JJ's all set to spend the weekend with a b-ball teammate, and J and are looking forward to getting away and regrouping from M's re-entry (not that it has been bad). I didn't even book a massage, or a sauna - I'm thinking a little sleeping in, some good food and much needed cuddling....
Back home Sunday afternoon, hopefully rejuvenated and ready to go again. I know you have fun weekend plans too, so I'll be thinking of you!
Love you,
A
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Vacation Surprise
Hey, A.
I'm so glad you called today! It was great to while away an hour this afternoon with you. You sound well; I was happy to hear that. After we talked I wrote and never got back to my spring cleaning, but that's okay...a) I got to talk with you , and 2) I have all week--or at least half of a week--to finish what I started.
I'm in my jammies now, with an after-dinner drink, and ready to read a little before bed, so I'll keep this short and will write more in the morning....over leisurely coffee...on my first real day of vacation.
Hope the rest of your day is as good as the first half I heard about....
xo,
Barb
PS If I could fit another ellipsis in, I would... ;-)
I'm so glad you called today! It was great to while away an hour this afternoon with you. You sound well; I was happy to hear that. After we talked I wrote and never got back to my spring cleaning, but that's okay...a) I got to talk with you , and 2) I have all week--or at least half of a week--to finish what I started.
I'm in my jammies now, with an after-dinner drink, and ready to read a little before bed, so I'll keep this short and will write more in the morning....over leisurely coffee...on my first real day of vacation.
Hope the rest of your day is as good as the first half I heard about....
xo,
Barb
PS If I could fit another ellipsis in, I would... ;-)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
One Word: Pasta
I'm so tired it's not normal. I know a lot of what I'm feeling is emotional stress and not true physical fatigue, since I've been gettting at least eight hours of sleep a night, but it feels just the same. Often on days like this I am tempted to go out after school to eat, drink and call it a day (like I did yesterday), but I wasn't in the mood for that today. This morning I decided I would go to the gym, run errands, and come home to make dinner from what I have on hand. My pasta dish of farfalle, peas and pancetta with some good Parmesan did just the trick, and my TJs Riesling is also hitting the spot. Now I'm ready for vacation.
This time last year I was thinking about what to pack for San Diego and reviewing my itinerary; this year that's not in the cards. Everything happens for a reason, though...I'll be around to take D to chemotherapy again and give my aunt and uncle a break. I'm glad I can do that for them. For her. I'm glad that there was not a single awkward moment this past Tuesday when I saw her vulnerable and compromised, yet strong and composed. After the initial hour and a half during which she was interviewed and poked and prodded and I met her oncologist and her case manager, we moved to Infusion. For six hours there she patiently sat in a recliner while liquids—some poison—dripped into her body through a port in her chest. Not once did she complain. Aside from the tubes and the medical personnel and the other women all around us, many in ill-fitting wigs, we could just as well have been at my place—or hers—watching HGTV, reading trashy magazines, chatting about fashion, laughing with L while she was there for a few hours with us. I got her home safely, had a glass of wine with my aunt and uncle, and told them I’d see them soon. Next Tuesday.
I do have some other things planned for vacation as well—happy hour with M, lunch with C, and a visit with W. He’s coming down Thursday and staying until Saturday. I’ll take him back Saturday and we’ll go to the market together and then I’ll still have Sunday for re-entry.
All of this means I’m good. I’m happy and blessed, and I know it will be a long time before I complain about a bad hair day again.
Hope all is well with you, and M's re-entry...
Love you,
Barb
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One Word: Hairclip
Do you have any idea how long it's taken me to get this far?
I'm so excited I don't even care if only half of it is long enough :)
Sunday, April 11, 2010
P.S.
TJ Dark Roast is my absolute favorite coffee ever.
I learned a new word this weekend, thank you. Detritus.
I learned a new word this weekend, thank you. Detritus.
Where the Heck Did that Weekend Go?
Hey, Barb.
Quick note before I hit the hay. I hope you enjoyed your weekend (and that you went to D's after all) and did something for you today.
We were running around most of the time, from baseball to M's dad's house, then doing yardwork and today, cleaning out the playroom and making it M's room. That literally took all day, but it was kind of nice since J was at a funeral most of the time and I was puttering around all by myself.
A little hungover, I might add, since I went out with CK last night (ok, we started at 4) and we drank like fish. We'd been having this FB conversation about living across the street and typing to each other, so we finally just decided to go out to the BLT for beers. We picked up S on the way and ended up drinking lemon drops instead (yum!) The three of us had a really good time, but we had to get S back to go to a b-day party at dinner time. Of course, by then, CK and I were just getting warmed up, so we called K and J and other neighbors over to make nachos and continue drinking until I don't know when. It was very fun, though...I have been trying not to overdo the alcohol for awhile now, so it was nice to just let go.
Yeah, up 'til this morning when my little head was pounding. Still, I had a good day. M can start getting settled into his new space, and JJ's room got a bit of a makeover too, what with moving furniture all around. We had a nice bbq dinner, just the four of us, tonight. Our weather was lovely all weekend but I feel like I didn't really get out and enjoy it much.
Things are going surprisingly, remarkably well here. M is doing great - I can't even tell you how delightful he is to have around. He and some friends went to a club in Seattle last night, and before he left I asked if he wouldn't mind checking in now and again. I explained that while I wasn't going to suddenly restrict his comings and goings, since this is what he's used to, I am still a worry wart. He texted me three times, including once early in the morning to tell me they were safe at home at I's house. That was pretty cool.
I bet I haven't told you that I actually got a job... a real, part time job...? It wasn't like I had to interview or anything; it's an AVID Tutor job at my old highschool, two days a week, 4.5 hours a day. My ex-VP brought me the job posting when I was subbing out there a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested. Do you have AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) at your school? Check out the link if you want http://www.avid.org/about.html. They picked up the program about a year before I left there, so I was sort of familiar with it when I saw the job posting. It will actually work out perfectly for me, since it's only on Tues and Thu, so I can still sub Mon and Fri, leaving my Wednesdays free. Once I become a "certified tutor", I can also apply to work in other districts, so I could potentially end up with five days a week, but still not full time. Anyhoo...my first day of training is Tuesday, so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm contemplating taking tomorrow just to get all my ducks in a row before starting, but I really don't have that many ducks out of order, so I'm just being lazy. Besides, we really need the $$ so I might as well suck it up.
I'm starting to fade away here so I'll sign off. I did get your text Friday night, but J and I were battling and I was all discombobulated, so I didn't call, even though I laughed at the "get off FB" comment. Sorry I just never got around to calling the rest of the weekend.
Hope your week begins well...talk to you soon!
Love, A
Quick note before I hit the hay. I hope you enjoyed your weekend (and that you went to D's after all) and did something for you today.
We were running around most of the time, from baseball to M's dad's house, then doing yardwork and today, cleaning out the playroom and making it M's room. That literally took all day, but it was kind of nice since J was at a funeral most of the time and I was puttering around all by myself.
A little hungover, I might add, since I went out with CK last night (ok, we started at 4) and we drank like fish. We'd been having this FB conversation about living across the street and typing to each other, so we finally just decided to go out to the BLT for beers. We picked up S on the way and ended up drinking lemon drops instead (yum!) The three of us had a really good time, but we had to get S back to go to a b-day party at dinner time. Of course, by then, CK and I were just getting warmed up, so we called K and J and other neighbors over to make nachos and continue drinking until I don't know when. It was very fun, though...I have been trying not to overdo the alcohol for awhile now, so it was nice to just let go.
Yeah, up 'til this morning when my little head was pounding. Still, I had a good day. M can start getting settled into his new space, and JJ's room got a bit of a makeover too, what with moving furniture all around. We had a nice bbq dinner, just the four of us, tonight. Our weather was lovely all weekend but I feel like I didn't really get out and enjoy it much.
Things are going surprisingly, remarkably well here. M is doing great - I can't even tell you how delightful he is to have around. He and some friends went to a club in Seattle last night, and before he left I asked if he wouldn't mind checking in now and again. I explained that while I wasn't going to suddenly restrict his comings and goings, since this is what he's used to, I am still a worry wart. He texted me three times, including once early in the morning to tell me they were safe at home at I's house. That was pretty cool.
I bet I haven't told you that I actually got a job... a real, part time job...? It wasn't like I had to interview or anything; it's an AVID Tutor job at my old highschool, two days a week, 4.5 hours a day. My ex-VP brought me the job posting when I was subbing out there a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested. Do you have AVID (Advancement Via Individual Determination) at your school? Check out the link if you want http://www.avid.org/about.html. They picked up the program about a year before I left there, so I was sort of familiar with it when I saw the job posting. It will actually work out perfectly for me, since it's only on Tues and Thu, so I can still sub Mon and Fri, leaving my Wednesdays free. Once I become a "certified tutor", I can also apply to work in other districts, so I could potentially end up with five days a week, but still not full time. Anyhoo...my first day of training is Tuesday, so I'm looking forward to that.
I'm contemplating taking tomorrow just to get all my ducks in a row before starting, but I really don't have that many ducks out of order, so I'm just being lazy. Besides, we really need the $$ so I might as well suck it up.
I'm starting to fade away here so I'll sign off. I did get your text Friday night, but J and I were battling and I was all discombobulated, so I didn't call, even though I laughed at the "get off FB" comment. Sorry I just never got around to calling the rest of the weekend.
Hope your week begins well...talk to you soon!
Love, A
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Dark Roast and ...Detritus
Good morning....Happy Weekend!!!
My week was good, but long and a little stressful. Grades were due and NHS no-letters went out Thursday; yes-letters followed Friday. At 2:30 yesterday, a Friday afternoon, one of our incompetent guidance counselors called to get information about a non-acceptance decision that a parent was questioning. I left right after that.
I just got up a little while ago (meaning I let myself sleep in), I made my coffee, and now I've settled down at the computer to write for a while before tackling some house projects ...that I'm actually excited about! Yesterday morning I looked around and thought there's got to be a better way to keep my house clean for more than three days at a time....I realized I could use some more storage space, but that would mean cleaning out unnecessary clutter that is currently taking up all my storage space. Case in point: a laundry basket (tall one, shaped more like a garbage pail) in one of my downstairs closets that has been full since I moved here!! Clearly, it was full of clothes I no longer wear or towels I no longer use, right? Wouldn't you know that's exactly what I found--after I got home last night with new shelving for said closet. Last night I got as far as emptying the closet of all its content and putting together the shelves and getting them there; my hallway is still littered with the detritus. That's project number one. When I'm done I think I'll go to the gym, beyond that I haven't decided plans.
I have an invite to D's where she'll be getting together with old high school friends tonight, whom I know from our summer vacations, but I'm not sure if I'll make it over. Monday night I'm picking her up and we're going to L's to sleep over so that Tuesday we'll be closer to her cancer hospital where we have to report at 8:30 for her day of chemo. I probably should go to her impromptu party tonight--so I can spend some time with her relaxed and having fun-- before spending what may be a dreadful day, but I'm not sure how the day will play out.
For now I'm totally enjoying this coffee (I decided to go with the TJs "Joe --Dark Roast" this time) (did I tell you C and I went to the TJs near Boston after school Thursday? We had dinner at Legal's and then shopped...got home 9ish. It was fun.). And being at my keyboard.
Hope you have a good day in store and good weather in your forecast.
Looking forward to hearing from you--call if you want.
Love you,
B
My week was good, but long and a little stressful. Grades were due and NHS no-letters went out Thursday; yes-letters followed Friday. At 2:30 yesterday, a Friday afternoon, one of our incompetent guidance counselors called to get information about a non-acceptance decision that a parent was questioning. I left right after that.
I just got up a little while ago (meaning I let myself sleep in), I made my coffee, and now I've settled down at the computer to write for a while before tackling some house projects ...that I'm actually excited about! Yesterday morning I looked around and thought there's got to be a better way to keep my house clean for more than three days at a time....I realized I could use some more storage space, but that would mean cleaning out unnecessary clutter that is currently taking up all my storage space. Case in point: a laundry basket (tall one, shaped more like a garbage pail) in one of my downstairs closets that has been full since I moved here!! Clearly, it was full of clothes I no longer wear or towels I no longer use, right? Wouldn't you know that's exactly what I found--after I got home last night with new shelving for said closet. Last night I got as far as emptying the closet of all its content and putting together the shelves and getting them there; my hallway is still littered with the detritus. That's project number one. When I'm done I think I'll go to the gym, beyond that I haven't decided plans.
I have an invite to D's where she'll be getting together with old high school friends tonight, whom I know from our summer vacations, but I'm not sure if I'll make it over. Monday night I'm picking her up and we're going to L's to sleep over so that Tuesday we'll be closer to her cancer hospital where we have to report at 8:30 for her day of chemo. I probably should go to her impromptu party tonight--so I can spend some time with her relaxed and having fun-- before spending what may be a dreadful day, but I'm not sure how the day will play out.
For now I'm totally enjoying this coffee (I decided to go with the TJs "Joe --Dark Roast" this time) (did I tell you C and I went to the TJs near Boston after school Thursday? We had dinner at Legal's and then shopped...got home 9ish. It was fun.). And being at my keyboard.
Hope you have a good day in store and good weather in your forecast.
Looking forward to hearing from you--call if you want.
Love you,
B
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
August in April
Hello, Amanda,
I have been in correcting hell (while we are having summer-like temperatures—91 today—that I can’t enjoy) and away from my keyboard but I wanted to say hello and let you know I’m glad to hear you are doing well and taking things a day at a time. Tomorrow my reward for getting grades in and NHS letters out is an afternoon road trip with C out to TJs near Boston….windows open….maybe a stop for a bite to eat and a drink afterward.
I probably won’t write again until the weekend then—if not Friday night then Saturday.
Here’s to wishing you keep riding the wave of happy.
Love,
Barb
I have been in correcting hell (while we are having summer-like temperatures—91 today—that I can’t enjoy) and away from my keyboard but I wanted to say hello and let you know I’m glad to hear you are doing well and taking things a day at a time. Tomorrow my reward for getting grades in and NHS letters out is an afternoon road trip with C out to TJs near Boston….windows open….maybe a stop for a bite to eat and a drink afterward.
I probably won’t write again until the weekend then—if not Friday night then Saturday.
Here’s to wishing you keep riding the wave of happy.
Love,
Barb
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
So Far, So Good
Hey,
Well, my good intentions of writing this morning were vetoed by missed episodes of Justified on-demand. Good looking men on mindless tv show = exactly what my brain needs. Soooo...it's now 11:00 and of course, I'm exhausted again.
Today was a good day. All things considered, having M back in the house is going well. He isn't fully settled in, which is probably annoying him; he doesn't have most of his stuff from the old house over here yet, and we haven't created a bedroom for him here yet. He's still camping out in C's room, living out of a suitcase and cardboard boxes. We need to sit down and figure out what we're going to do as far as that goes, so that he can start to make his own space here.
I am learning to let go of things and to not hover over him (of JJ, for that matter), trying to be the perfect mother. I am learning to stay in bed while they get themselves up and ready for school, and today I even said "no" when JJ called for the umpteenth time this year to ask me to bring his PE clothes down.
Tonight, M was in a choir concert, so JJ and I went to see it. It was actually very good, and I found out that he's going to be in Chamber Choir next year. That's the last thing I would have expected from him, but he seems to enjoy it. It kind of fits in with his new friends; his girlfriend, E, was a self-proclaimed major band geek. We ended up eating dinner after 9, which means I won't sleep well, even without the wine I contemplated having.
Other than that, everything is kind of getting back to normal around here. I am having lunch with KB tomorrow and have a couple of coffee dates this week. I'm thinking I might call Bro J, since he was so nice at the funeral and all. Did I tell you about the phone call, apologizing for falling off the face of the earth? Where he told me he knew he'd dumped a load of s**t on me, then disappeared? He was genuinely sorry and wanted to "make it right", but at the time, I kinda had other stuff on my mind, so I haven't actually talked to him at length. Maybe we'll get together this week.
I find that I'm coping much better with all of this than I might have expected from myself a year ago. I think being in counseling, the new magic potions, and generally just being in a better place have all been put to the test, so to speak. It validates for me the time and effort I've put into all of that, and hopefully will serve to remind me of how one really can get healthier, if one works at it.
I hope your week is going well and that you've got something fun planned for the weekend. As for now, in my new Let Go, Let God / One Day At A Time mentality, my plans beyond breakfast tomorrow only include scheduled baseball games, so I'm hoping for a fun weekend, too.
Love you!
A
Well, my good intentions of writing this morning were vetoed by missed episodes of Justified on-demand. Good looking men on mindless tv show = exactly what my brain needs. Soooo...it's now 11:00 and of course, I'm exhausted again.
Today was a good day. All things considered, having M back in the house is going well. He isn't fully settled in, which is probably annoying him; he doesn't have most of his stuff from the old house over here yet, and we haven't created a bedroom for him here yet. He's still camping out in C's room, living out of a suitcase and cardboard boxes. We need to sit down and figure out what we're going to do as far as that goes, so that he can start to make his own space here.
I am learning to let go of things and to not hover over him (of JJ, for that matter), trying to be the perfect mother. I am learning to stay in bed while they get themselves up and ready for school, and today I even said "no" when JJ called for the umpteenth time this year to ask me to bring his PE clothes down.
Tonight, M was in a choir concert, so JJ and I went to see it. It was actually very good, and I found out that he's going to be in Chamber Choir next year. That's the last thing I would have expected from him, but he seems to enjoy it. It kind of fits in with his new friends; his girlfriend, E, was a self-proclaimed major band geek. We ended up eating dinner after 9, which means I won't sleep well, even without the wine I contemplated having.
Other than that, everything is kind of getting back to normal around here. I am having lunch with KB tomorrow and have a couple of coffee dates this week. I'm thinking I might call Bro J, since he was so nice at the funeral and all. Did I tell you about the phone call, apologizing for falling off the face of the earth? Where he told me he knew he'd dumped a load of s**t on me, then disappeared? He was genuinely sorry and wanted to "make it right", but at the time, I kinda had other stuff on my mind, so I haven't actually talked to him at length. Maybe we'll get together this week.
I find that I'm coping much better with all of this than I might have expected from myself a year ago. I think being in counseling, the new magic potions, and generally just being in a better place have all been put to the test, so to speak. It validates for me the time and effort I've put into all of that, and hopefully will serve to remind me of how one really can get healthier, if one works at it.
I hope your week is going well and that you've got something fun planned for the weekend. As for now, in my new Let Go, Let God / One Day At A Time mentality, my plans beyond breakfast tomorrow only include scheduled baseball games, so I'm hoping for a fun weekend, too.
Love you!
A
Monday, April 5, 2010
Quickie
Hey,
Got home late from baseball tonight and by the time dinner was over, etc...I'm beat. Just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that I will definitely catch you up in the morning.
Happy Tuesday,
A
Got home late from baseball tonight and by the time dinner was over, etc...I'm beat. Just wanted to say a quick hello and let you know that I will definitely catch you up in the morning.
Happy Tuesday,
A
back on line
Hey there, A,
I’m writing in Word while currently unable to get an internet connection—so I’m not sure if you’ve written today….but will begin by asking about your Easter. A good day? Nice and quiet as planned?
We had a small group at my mom’s, which was fine, only among the missing was D—and that was the elephant in the room. We all enjoyed one another’s company, and the food, and the superb weather, but all the while knew D was missing. And not because she was in California or off on an island vacation. She was home because she’s feeling awful—nauseous and wiped out from chemo and unable to think about food never mind be around it. I can understand her wanting to be home in bed, but I missed her. And I wish this would all just go away.
Today it was back to the grind, but since we’re in the last quarter of the year, and the weather is still gorgeous, I did okay. Tonight my plan is to clean up around here a little as my kitchen is a mess and my place in general a disaster area. Oh, and maybe drink a little. Just a little…
Looking forward to hearing your latest.
Love you.
I’m writing in Word while currently unable to get an internet connection—so I’m not sure if you’ve written today….but will begin by asking about your Easter. A good day? Nice and quiet as planned?
We had a small group at my mom’s, which was fine, only among the missing was D—and that was the elephant in the room. We all enjoyed one another’s company, and the food, and the superb weather, but all the while knew D was missing. And not because she was in California or off on an island vacation. She was home because she’s feeling awful—nauseous and wiped out from chemo and unable to think about food never mind be around it. I can understand her wanting to be home in bed, but I missed her. And I wish this would all just go away.
Today it was back to the grind, but since we’re in the last quarter of the year, and the weather is still gorgeous, I did okay. Tonight my plan is to clean up around here a little as my kitchen is a mess and my place in general a disaster area. Oh, and maybe drink a little. Just a little…
Looking forward to hearing your latest.
Love you.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Happy Easter!
Hey Amanda,
I don’t envy you at all what you had to go through this week, but am incredibly proud of you for having gotten through it so well. God does work in mysterious ways, indeed, but also remember that just when you think you have the journey figured out, the itinerary can change again. I guess that’s our incentive to keep our laundry clean and our bags light… Anyway, I am proud of you, and happy for the support you have gotten and will undoubtedly continue to need from friends and family.
Your Easter plans sound nice and quiet, and perfect—although I must say I am not a fan of the honey ham. My mom usually makes regular ham, and turkey breast, and roast beef to feed our modest group of 30. Holidays can be much larger but Easter tends to be one where my cousins indulge their in-laws and celebrate with them, keeping our numbers on the low side. Yeah, right. Square footage issues aside, I couldn’t host 30 now, never mind when I’m 70. God Bless my Mom and Dad, who will get hugs today, by the way, as will everyone else in my big crazy family. I’m looking forward to seeing D, especially, but am secretly worried that she won’t look well, that all the spirit and strength I hear over the phone and get in her text messages will be hidden by fatigue and painful movements. Fingers crossed that once we get laughing, as we always do, I’ll forget this afternoon that she is very sick.
I’m glad I took the time to go to Boston, too. Getting there ended up being a bit of a nightmare, with unexpected traffic on the pike and then in the city, but we had great weather and a great time. I’d send you pictures if we took any, but we didn’t—although I did have my camera with me at the market yesterday and when we went out to dinner Friday night. I feel like W and I are in a good place, making an effort to see each other a bit more often than we have in the past. It’s so nice not to have to go through those frustrated times when we’re overdue for a visit. I got home last night, in time to squeeze in a little me time. What a perfect weekend—W time, me time, and family time.
Me time today includes going to the gym as soon as I’m done writing, then I’ll have mimosas and a nice breakfast and my weekly phone call with my friend D. I’m making the salad for my mom today--mesclun mix with craisins, blue cheese, ultra thin red onions, candied pecans and balsamic vinaigrette. (You should see the size of the bag of mesclun mix got at the market—for 3 dollars!)—but that won’t be a big deal since there’s no cooking involved. Everyone is expected at 3, so I’ll probably get there at 2 to help out.
I hope you enjoy your day. Hello to everyone. (And let’s talk soon!)
Love you,
Barb
I don’t envy you at all what you had to go through this week, but am incredibly proud of you for having gotten through it so well. God does work in mysterious ways, indeed, but also remember that just when you think you have the journey figured out, the itinerary can change again. I guess that’s our incentive to keep our laundry clean and our bags light… Anyway, I am proud of you, and happy for the support you have gotten and will undoubtedly continue to need from friends and family.
Your Easter plans sound nice and quiet, and perfect—although I must say I am not a fan of the honey ham. My mom usually makes regular ham, and turkey breast, and roast beef to feed our modest group of 30. Holidays can be much larger but Easter tends to be one where my cousins indulge their in-laws and celebrate with them, keeping our numbers on the low side. Yeah, right. Square footage issues aside, I couldn’t host 30 now, never mind when I’m 70. God Bless my Mom and Dad, who will get hugs today, by the way, as will everyone else in my big crazy family. I’m looking forward to seeing D, especially, but am secretly worried that she won’t look well, that all the spirit and strength I hear over the phone and get in her text messages will be hidden by fatigue and painful movements. Fingers crossed that once we get laughing, as we always do, I’ll forget this afternoon that she is very sick.
I’m glad I took the time to go to Boston, too. Getting there ended up being a bit of a nightmare, with unexpected traffic on the pike and then in the city, but we had great weather and a great time. I’d send you pictures if we took any, but we didn’t—although I did have my camera with me at the market yesterday and when we went out to dinner Friday night. I feel like W and I are in a good place, making an effort to see each other a bit more often than we have in the past. It’s so nice not to have to go through those frustrated times when we’re overdue for a visit. I got home last night, in time to squeeze in a little me time. What a perfect weekend—W time, me time, and family time.
Me time today includes going to the gym as soon as I’m done writing, then I’ll have mimosas and a nice breakfast and my weekly phone call with my friend D. I’m making the salad for my mom today--mesclun mix with craisins, blue cheese, ultra thin red onions, candied pecans and balsamic vinaigrette. (You should see the size of the bag of mesclun mix got at the market—for 3 dollars!)—but that won’t be a big deal since there’s no cooking involved. Everyone is expected at 3, so I’ll probably get there at 2 to help out.
I hope you enjoy your day. Hello to everyone. (And let’s talk soon!)
Love you,
Barb
Saturday, April 3, 2010
This Part Done
Hi, Barb.
I hope you are safely home, after a good visit with W and a rejuvenating day in Boston. I'm glad you took the time to go. One of these days you'll have to send me some pictures...
So, the memorial service is over and this part of our new journey is over. J, C, JJ and I went out to lunch afterwards, while M went back up to his dad's house with a bunch of his friends and the family from Mississippi. When the four of us got home, a buddy of JJ's came over and the two of them disappeared; within minutes, C, J and I were all sound asleep on the couches with the TV in the background. It was a much needed nap and absolute downtime. After about an hour or so, the kids came in wanting to go to the movies and when I said no, Jack gave me a big hug, a kiss, and said, "ok, I love you, mom." That kid, I tell ya.
We will wander over to K&R's later for a drink or three, and tomorrow we plan to spend a quiet day with just our "new" family. I'll do the traditional ham, and, when asked what vegetable we should have, JJ chose coleslaw. Well....ok, then. S and T made us two huge pans of breakfast burritos and french toast casserole, thinking we might have a houseful of people, but I'm looking forward to just the five of us, reconnecting again, trying to start over.
M did so well today. He even spoke at the service, telling a really funny story that highlighted some of his dad's neuroses. He ended with his own interpretation of his dad's actions: that he acted like that "because he loved me so much, and he just liked to brag about me, and he got so excited about everything I did." I was really proud of him.
I don't know why I was surprised to see many of our friends there, people who haven't seen Matt in over a year, but who are willing to welcome him back with open arms. T&S, K&R, Bro J & CC, people from wine club, CK, her kids, and her mother, who has been "Grandma J" to every kid on this corner since day one. It meant a lot to see his girlfriend and all his friends there, too, all dressed up in and dress shirts and ironed pants, with Converse sneakers and their dads' ties. He's a lucky kid. We're truly a blessed family.
It will be nice to start a new chapter tomorrow and see where this takes us. You know I'm not a religious person, but if I ever believed it to be true, I believe it today: the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Happy Easter, B. Hug your family today, ok?
Love you,
A
I hope you are safely home, after a good visit with W and a rejuvenating day in Boston. I'm glad you took the time to go. One of these days you'll have to send me some pictures...
So, the memorial service is over and this part of our new journey is over. J, C, JJ and I went out to lunch afterwards, while M went back up to his dad's house with a bunch of his friends and the family from Mississippi. When the four of us got home, a buddy of JJ's came over and the two of them disappeared; within minutes, C, J and I were all sound asleep on the couches with the TV in the background. It was a much needed nap and absolute downtime. After about an hour or so, the kids came in wanting to go to the movies and when I said no, Jack gave me a big hug, a kiss, and said, "ok, I love you, mom." That kid, I tell ya.
We will wander over to K&R's later for a drink or three, and tomorrow we plan to spend a quiet day with just our "new" family. I'll do the traditional ham, and, when asked what vegetable we should have, JJ chose coleslaw. Well....ok, then. S and T made us two huge pans of breakfast burritos and french toast casserole, thinking we might have a houseful of people, but I'm looking forward to just the five of us, reconnecting again, trying to start over.
M did so well today. He even spoke at the service, telling a really funny story that highlighted some of his dad's neuroses. He ended with his own interpretation of his dad's actions: that he acted like that "because he loved me so much, and he just liked to brag about me, and he got so excited about everything I did." I was really proud of him.
I don't know why I was surprised to see many of our friends there, people who haven't seen Matt in over a year, but who are willing to welcome him back with open arms. T&S, K&R, Bro J & CC, people from wine club, CK, her kids, and her mother, who has been "Grandma J" to every kid on this corner since day one. It meant a lot to see his girlfriend and all his friends there, too, all dressed up in and dress shirts and ironed pants, with Converse sneakers and their dads' ties. He's a lucky kid. We're truly a blessed family.
It will be nice to start a new chapter tomorrow and see where this takes us. You know I'm not a religious person, but if I ever believed it to be true, I believe it today: the Lord works in mysterious ways.
Happy Easter, B. Hug your family today, ok?
Love you,
A
Friday, April 2, 2010
Peace
Hey, A,
What an awful week; what an eloquent post. It makes perfect sense to me that you are feeling all you are feeling, and it is not selfish at all. What K did was selfish. And honestly, what a shame that he could not have quietly dropped dead, that it couldn't have been a peaceful exit.
I'm headed to Boston later this morning and while I'm really on my own time line, it is a gorgeous day--one I think I'd rather spend walking around Quincy Market than here. Tomorrow is going to be even nicer, so I'm excited about the market early in the morning and going out to lunch and shopping before heading home tomorrow night. I will spend Easter with my family on Sunday, which is also supposed to be a sunny day in the 70s, so it looks like a great long weekend all around.
Hope this finds you well...Call or text whenever you feel like it.
Love you,
Barb
What an awful week; what an eloquent post. It makes perfect sense to me that you are feeling all you are feeling, and it is not selfish at all. What K did was selfish. And honestly, what a shame that he could not have quietly dropped dead, that it couldn't have been a peaceful exit.
I'm headed to Boston later this morning and while I'm really on my own time line, it is a gorgeous day--one I think I'd rather spend walking around Quincy Market than here. Tomorrow is going to be even nicer, so I'm excited about the market early in the morning and going out to lunch and shopping before heading home tomorrow night. I will spend Easter with my family on Sunday, which is also supposed to be a sunny day in the 70s, so it looks like a great long weekend all around.
Hope this finds you well...Call or text whenever you feel like it.
Love you,
Barb
Thursday, April 1, 2010
In the Middle of the Storm
Hey, you.
*long, heavy, dramatic :) sigh*
Wow. What a freakin' week. It's not even Friday yet and I am out of my head exhausted. However, another glass of this merlot and some junk-purging is more appealing that sleep.
I don't even know where to start, and I'm even inclined not to try to recount all the details, but I thought it might be cathartic to at least give a brief rundown. I would love to write elsewhere but I'm afraid of sharing awful details on a public forum, when it's not really my story to tell.
I would write about this:
My son's father is dead. I haven't been married to him for 16 years, but I spent a good deal of my life and love on him when I was younger. Our relationship was tenuous at best, horrifying and destructive at its worst, from the day it began to the moment he died, three days ago.
He didn't just die, though. He committed suicide. He shot himself in the head in his backyard, where anyone - namely our 17 year old son - might find him. He left awful "suicide" notes that said things like "one can only take so much rejection", for people like his son (who secretly adored him), his girlfriend (who loved him). The mess he left was, of course, visible and physical and unconscionable...the mess his girlfriend found when she discovered him there that morning. But it goes so far beyond the cleaning up of blood and shattered flesh.
The emotional mess he has left behind for my already volatile son, the financial and logistical mess left to his surviving family (my son and me), and the new relationship that are being forceably forged, out of sheer necessity, by my son and me.
Maybe that's a good thing, in a way. That this has brought M and I back together, after so long apart. I guess. Mostly it's just so fragile. I'm afraid of what I might say or not say that could set him off. I already managed to ratchet him up to a mid-anxiety state in the funeral home today, to the point that J felt it necessary to tell me to, basically, shut up. I'm terrified to talk to him now. This could all go sideways in the blink of an eye. I feel like I've learned nothing in the year we've had to "cool off" - within days I am already pushing his buttons.
And, it is very hard for me to sit aside and watch him be mothered by other women - his cousin, his dad's girlfriend - to have to allow them to comfort him when I so desperately want to fill that role again. I sit apart from him at the table, while his cousin holds his hand, the gf rubs his back. When questions are asked of him, he looks to them for answers, not me.
And I realize that it's not even my place, even if he would let me. I'm not in this picture anymore; I have nothing to share with him that will comfort him right now. And yet, there is something not right about it. If this were JJ, no other women would come between my son and me, regardless of my "place" in the situation. I realize that I am too late, that the damage that has been done to my relationship with M is permanent. Not because we could never build a new one, but because the one I should have had, could have had, can't be fixed. He's all grown up now and the chance to be his "mom" - the way I feel I am to JJ - is gone.
And, in all my maturity, I blame K for much of that loss. I blame him for the things he told M over the years that no kid ever needs to know about his mother - thing that leave scars, and no room for redemption. For trash talking me and working against me at every turn when I tried to be a good parent and do what was best for M. For pitting us against each other in ways that are so absurdly self-serving it's hard for people to understand who have not had to navigate through his insane mentality.
I am so full of hatred and bitterness that has stewed for 16 years and now feels like it is being ignited to a million times its intensity. Now I am angry, on top of it.
I know, I wasn't the one to find his body. I'm not the one he left behind to answer the thousand "why" and "was it my fault?" doubts that must be crawling through the minds of others. I have no battle with that; I'll be damned if this was my fault, and to be honest, I don't really give a shit why. Instead, I am left to try to hold all the broken pieces together after he's destroyed everyone.
Selfish, huh? That I even think to feel put upon by this. But I do. Suddenly, and without warning, I am in full custody of my estranged kid; at first, it was a blessing in disguise. Now, I am nervous and anxious and I feel like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. I feel completely incapable of handling any or all of this. I can't handle the probate thing, I'm sure of it. I don't even know what questions to ask. I'm probably not even the best person to handle M's trust since at the drop of a hat, I'm likely to launch him. I am stressed to the point that my shoulders ache; I am on edge and trying so, so hard to just keep my mouth shut, for fear of ruining everything.
I know, we all have the strength to carry whatever burdens come our way, that God never gives us more than we can handle, yada yada yada, and I'm sure I'll muddle my way through this one way or another. But at this moment, I have never felt less competent or less confident.
I hate him with everything I have right now. I hate him for leaving M, for the tremendous wreck he's left in his wake, for his selfishness and cowardice and for everything that came before his death too.
And yet, it crosses my mind, every hour or so, that I have lost count of the times I have prayed he would drop dead.
Careful what you wish for, eh?
*long, heavy, dramatic :) sigh*
Wow. What a freakin' week. It's not even Friday yet and I am out of my head exhausted. However, another glass of this merlot and some junk-purging is more appealing that sleep.
I don't even know where to start, and I'm even inclined not to try to recount all the details, but I thought it might be cathartic to at least give a brief rundown. I would love to write elsewhere but I'm afraid of sharing awful details on a public forum, when it's not really my story to tell.
I would write about this:
My son's father is dead. I haven't been married to him for 16 years, but I spent a good deal of my life and love on him when I was younger. Our relationship was tenuous at best, horrifying and destructive at its worst, from the day it began to the moment he died, three days ago.
He didn't just die, though. He committed suicide. He shot himself in the head in his backyard, where anyone - namely our 17 year old son - might find him. He left awful "suicide" notes that said things like "one can only take so much rejection", for people like his son (who secretly adored him), his girlfriend (who loved him). The mess he left was, of course, visible and physical and unconscionable...the mess his girlfriend found when she discovered him there that morning. But it goes so far beyond the cleaning up of blood and shattered flesh.
The emotional mess he has left behind for my already volatile son, the financial and logistical mess left to his surviving family (my son and me), and the new relationship that are being forceably forged, out of sheer necessity, by my son and me.
Maybe that's a good thing, in a way. That this has brought M and I back together, after so long apart. I guess. Mostly it's just so fragile. I'm afraid of what I might say or not say that could set him off. I already managed to ratchet him up to a mid-anxiety state in the funeral home today, to the point that J felt it necessary to tell me to, basically, shut up. I'm terrified to talk to him now. This could all go sideways in the blink of an eye. I feel like I've learned nothing in the year we've had to "cool off" - within days I am already pushing his buttons.
And, it is very hard for me to sit aside and watch him be mothered by other women - his cousin, his dad's girlfriend - to have to allow them to comfort him when I so desperately want to fill that role again. I sit apart from him at the table, while his cousin holds his hand, the gf rubs his back. When questions are asked of him, he looks to them for answers, not me.
And I realize that it's not even my place, even if he would let me. I'm not in this picture anymore; I have nothing to share with him that will comfort him right now. And yet, there is something not right about it. If this were JJ, no other women would come between my son and me, regardless of my "place" in the situation. I realize that I am too late, that the damage that has been done to my relationship with M is permanent. Not because we could never build a new one, but because the one I should have had, could have had, can't be fixed. He's all grown up now and the chance to be his "mom" - the way I feel I am to JJ - is gone.
And, in all my maturity, I blame K for much of that loss. I blame him for the things he told M over the years that no kid ever needs to know about his mother - thing that leave scars, and no room for redemption. For trash talking me and working against me at every turn when I tried to be a good parent and do what was best for M. For pitting us against each other in ways that are so absurdly self-serving it's hard for people to understand who have not had to navigate through his insane mentality.
I am so full of hatred and bitterness that has stewed for 16 years and now feels like it is being ignited to a million times its intensity. Now I am angry, on top of it.
I know, I wasn't the one to find his body. I'm not the one he left behind to answer the thousand "why" and "was it my fault?" doubts that must be crawling through the minds of others. I have no battle with that; I'll be damned if this was my fault, and to be honest, I don't really give a shit why. Instead, I am left to try to hold all the broken pieces together after he's destroyed everyone.
Selfish, huh? That I even think to feel put upon by this. But I do. Suddenly, and without warning, I am in full custody of my estranged kid; at first, it was a blessing in disguise. Now, I am nervous and anxious and I feel like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. I feel completely incapable of handling any or all of this. I can't handle the probate thing, I'm sure of it. I don't even know what questions to ask. I'm probably not even the best person to handle M's trust since at the drop of a hat, I'm likely to launch him. I am stressed to the point that my shoulders ache; I am on edge and trying so, so hard to just keep my mouth shut, for fear of ruining everything.
I know, we all have the strength to carry whatever burdens come our way, that God never gives us more than we can handle, yada yada yada, and I'm sure I'll muddle my way through this one way or another. But at this moment, I have never felt less competent or less confident.
I hate him with everything I have right now. I hate him for leaving M, for the tremendous wreck he's left in his wake, for his selfishness and cowardice and for everything that came before his death too.
And yet, it crosses my mind, every hour or so, that I have lost count of the times I have prayed he would drop dead.
Careful what you wish for, eh?
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