The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful

Hey there.

Your romantic getaway with J sounds perfect --and perfect timing. I'm looking forward to my visit with W beginning tomorrow, but have a busy day today to get through first. At least I'm over the toughest part of the week: chemo with D.

Actually that's not quite accurate. The treatment part of the day was good. D's daughter came with since she was on vacation; I knew what to expect; D didn't have any appointments prior to infusion; we didn't have to do a lot of waiting around. We were in at 9 and out by 2:30 and back at my aunt and uncle's at 3:30. The toughest part of the day came at about 4:30, half way through Oprah when we headed out to the garage so that my uncle could shave her head.

Despite initial promises that this time around chemo wouldn't have as many side effects and she wouldn't lose her hair, she is constantly nauseous, has a perpetual metallic taste in her mouth, and was losing her hair. Last week she held out hope that she wouldn't lose it all, and she went and had a short haircut so that her thinning hair wouldn't be quite as noticeable. But she continued to lose her hair and was finding it everywhere--her pillow, her clothes, sometimes her mouth. Yesterday in the shower it was coming out in clumps when the water hit it. She never got to put shampoo in. Despite having gone through this before, it was still upsetting. She cried. And she and her daughter decided that maybe it was time to take off the rest.

So a little while after we got home, we all went out to the garage. I fashioned a cape out of a garbage bag and put it over D's head while L held her hand and my uncle got the clippers out and my aunt stood by. D was the first to cry, which was our permission to let out a few of the tears we were all determined to hold back.

When all the hair was gone, after L and I checked and got rid of any strays my uncle had missed, my uncle was the first to lean over and kiss and hold her on the head, and through his tears say "Still beautiful. I love you." Then my aunt. Then L. Then me. L then tied a scarf on her head as I swept up the hair and my aunt took care of the clippers.

I hope that never again in my life I have to witness something so painful, beautiful, hopeful, and heart-wrenching. At once it was natural--D again, and still, their vulnerable daughter--and unnatural, for a father should never have to shave his daughter's head. Parents shouldn't have to see their children suffer horrible illness.

I stayed for dinner, two hours around the table that passed in a minute. I thought I would break down when I got in the car, but I didn't. Until just now. But there's no time to wallow....I have laundry to do and meatballs to make and lunch plans with C to cancel. At 3 I have a nail appoitnment, after which I'll stop by my parents' house and have an early dinner with them. Today will be a breeze.
Enjoy the rest of your week and especially your weekend with J...

Love you,
Barb